SHARE Walk

Last weekend, Katrina, Isaac, Tim, Anna and I attended our first SHARE Walk together to remember and honor our twin boys who were born prematurely in February.

We got there a little too early, because I wanted to make sure we could get the "Veitengruber Twins" added to the list of babies names that they would read aloud during the ceremony. They were first on that list...and then we had about a two hour wait until the ceremony and walk actually started. Luckily, the weather held out for us so Isaac and Anna were able to run around to burn lots of energy. They had so much fun and even did a silly little photo shoot together.

There was a huge crowd there that day supporting each other. It was a very unique environment - one of sadness, but also the hope and love of everyone coming together. They started off by saying a few words, thanking everyone for coming, reading a couple poems and a couple of women shared a beautiful song. I would guess probably over 200 babies' names read at the beginning of the ceremony. Most people were very respectful and quiet during the reading of the names. Each family raised their pinwheels, released balloons, or showed their support any time their baby's name(s) was read. It was a humbling experience - some families had several babies' names read aloud, one family had 5! I couldn't even imagine!

After all of the babies' names had been read, they did a dove release that was really cool. Then we finally were able to all walk together. We chose the one mile route since we had already been there for an extra two hours. Anna and Isaac did a wonderful job and were such troopers all morning.

After the SHARE Walk, we walked to the little down town area where we found a pub to eat in - we were all starving! We even walked through a little historical scavenger hunt that was....interesting. Anna and Isaac had a lot of fun together, and I'm really glad our families were able to spend the day with each other. I look forward to making this a nice tradition for us every year.

22 & 23 Weeks

Friday, October 13 - 22w, 1d
We had your anatomy scan yesterday and everything went very well. My cervix is staying long and thick, no signs of any issues. You looked wonderful! You're measuring right on track, 45th percentile, and weighing about 1lb, 1oz. You were moving a ton during the scan - we saw you grab your toes, kick them above your head, and you had your hands by your face a lot, but we were still able to get a few really cute pictures of your face.

In two weeks, I'll go for my last cervical check. I'll be 24 weeks and that's when they stop checking my cervix unless they absolutely have to (having negative symptoms) because technically you'll be "viable" if something were to happen, but you need to stay in there for a long, long time still. Over the last month or so, I was worried to stop these cervical checks because it has brought a lot of peace of mind for me, but to see that you're doing so well and that my body is still hanging in there, I'm feeling better. Soon, I'll be far enough along where I'll be back to getting more frequent ultrasounds anyway, so skipping one or two might not be that big of a deal. I'm sure, if for some reason I'm really stressed about it, I'm guessing they'll do one for me.

One issue I've been having has been my fasting blood sugar in the morning. I talked with the nurse practitioner about it yesterday, and about the possibility of going on insulin in the evenings. She set me up with an appointment with their dietician at the end of the month, and in the meantime wants me to really control my diet, especially in the evenings to see if that helps. I haven't been doing the best about laying off the carbs in the evening, so I'm going to really try to up my protein intake to help fill me up after school and after dinner to help keep my post-dinner sugar lower, and then my fasting sugar lower. As much as I don't want to have to go on insulin, I feel like it might make things a lot easier, especially as I get further along. We'll see how the next few weeks pan out. Right now, Little Brother is not showing any signs of being affected by my sugars, so that is reassuring.

Wednesday, October 18 - 22w, 6d
Daddy felt you move for the first time last night. We were laying in bed and you were moving a ton, so I asked him to feel and you gave several big movements for him. It was really cool! Other than that, this week has been pretty uneventful. I'm starting to notice your movements more throughout the day, but the most I feel you is usually after I'm done with my Vest in the evening.

I've been really trying to eat better after school and at night. The problem is, even with eating frequently, I'm not feeling full. I'm used to eating a large meal at dinner, but I've been cautious about what I'm eating and I'm not filling up like usual. I hope I don't notice a decrease or slow down of my weight gain. If it does start to impact, then I'm going to continue to push for insulin.

Wednesday, October 25 - 23w, 6d
Not much to report, but I feel like I've been neglecting the blog lately. I don't remember the last time I've been this busy, holy cow! I feel like I never get a moment of free time lately. Tomorrow afternoon I have my last cervical check, then I have to pick up Anna from swimming, and we have to rush to get to her first parent-teacher conference. I hope you're a flexible little guy because it's going to be go, go, go all the time when you're born, too.

Daddy and I are still completely stuck on what we're going to name you. I thought we had it narrowed down to two choices, but after a long discussion about it this weekend, we can't agree and have added some more "maybes" to the list. Who knows...at least we still have some time, I suppose. Although, this pregnancy is flying by - which has been so nice.

Physically, I've been feeling really good. Last night you were shifting around my belly and laying diagonal - it was really obvious to feel (and Daddy could see) where you were laying, it was pretty funny. Anna isn't quite patient enough to feel you move - or maybe she just doesn't care! I know that there have been times where I've had her feel my belly while you move, but she always says, "Oh, I felt him!" at the wrong time...haha! Maybe when you're a bit bigger and she can actually see you moving around in there she'll be more interested.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

The month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, where families from all over share their experiences of losing a baby during pregnancy or their child shortly after. Specifically, October 15th, is Remembrance Day.

After joining this community on February 5, 2017, I realized how large it really was, but at the same time, how little I had heard of it. Losing a child(ren) is not something that people speak about often because it tends to make others uncomfortable. But I'm lucky to have people in my life who embrace our twins as members of our family and talk with me about them sometimes.

Their footprints were about the size of a small paper clip.

I can't believe it's been over eight months since I gave birth to our twin boys. So much has happened since then, but not a day goes by that I don't think about them. Some days are harder than others, especially with being pregnant again, but I feel like I'm doing alright considering what a tragedy our family has been through. Losing our boys has made me appreciate what I have even more. When a family goes through a loss, it's unexplainable, but it puts in perspective how precious our family is to us and how quickly things can happen.

There are only three pictures I have of our little boys. I couldn't bring myself to take more in the moment at the hospital. I'm sad that we don't have more, but I'm happy that we have these.

Baby B on the left/top, Baby A on the bottom/right

They are extremely special to me and I'm very glad to have them.

I believe that Baby A's feet are on top of Baby B's feet

I am also very happy to have my tattoos of their footprints so that I can carry them with me forever.

I will never, ever forget the two little guys that were supposed to join our family in the summer of 2017. Instead they decided to make their arrival quite too soon at 19 weeks, 4 days, so we were unable to bring them home. It's weird, in a way though, if it weren't for their passing, we wouldn't have Little Brother growing right now.

I still am struggling with "everything happens for a reason". That used to be something I really thought was true, until this happened. I cannot think of a reason that this would happen to our family, but as much as it sucked, we have learned to accept it as part of our reality.

We love you so much, Baby A and Baby B. We promise to keep you in our hearts and memories forever! ~Mommy, Daddy, Anna and Little Brother

20 & 21 Weeks

Friday, September 29th - 20w, 1d
We made it to the half way mark and it feels so good!! Yesterday I had my appointment and the nurse practitioner said that my cervix "looks perfect" and neither of us have any current worries right now. I'm having no pain, no unusual discharge, no cramping, etc. I feel huge, and I'm clearly much bigger than I was with Anna at 20 weeks, but all that I care about is that Little Brother is growing well and my body is holding steady -- both of those things are happening, so I'm very happy.

In two weeks, Tim and I will go in for Little Brother's "big" scan, where they do a nice, long ultrasound to examine every little inch of his body. The twins were born the day before their big scan, so I'm a little nervous as we approach this time, too.
As I'm learning, the anxiety never fully goes away, it's just presenting itself in different ways. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I was terrified to be excited or get attached to the idea of another baby. I was sure that we would going to lose the pregnancy and I didn't want to get my hopes up. Once we knew things were progressing well, I was having anxiety in between and up to each new doctor appointment. I was afraid that I'd get to an appointment and there wouldn't be a heart beat anymore. Recently, I needed to get past the 19+4 mark, and now that we're there, I still can't fully let my guard down. Although everything about this pregnancy has been extremely normal so far, I am too afraid to get my hopes up completely. Of course I'm still embracing this pregnancy - we're still buying little outfits for him, thinking of how to get his room together (clearly from the pictures, that's still a major work in progress), thinking of names, etc., but something in my mind won't let me 100% relax about this pregnancy, but I'm not surprised. Just because we hit 20 weeks, doesn't mean that he can't be born at 22, 23 or 24 weeks. Who's to say he's not going to come early in the 30s?! Heck, I might need to be induced because he won't come out on his own (I'd be okay with that!), but we just never know. I am happy to say that I am much more relaxed during this pregnancy than I expected to be, but there's always going to be something for me to worry about until he is here safely in my arms - IN FEBRUARY and not any sooner!

Monday, October 2nd - 20w, 4d
Baby movements!! You started moving around noticeably at the Cardinals game Friday night that Daddy and I went to. Since then, I've even been able to feel several little bumps outside of my belly with my hands! This is what I had been waiting for! What a sigh of relief every single time I feel a nudge! It's like you're telling me, "Hey mom, I'm still in here and I'm doing well." :) I can't wait for them to get a bit more noticeable so that Daddy and Anna can feel them, too!

This weekend was a good one, but had it's moments. Daddy and I had our first night out together in a long time. We went to the Cardinals game Friday night and spent the night in St. Louis. We picked up Anna to find out that she has an ear infection. After that first dose of medicine, you would never know it! She's back to her ornery old self again, but is a bit more tired than usual. I also got my flu shot on Saturday while we were picking up Anna's antibiotics...'tis the season for germs....

I worry about having you in the middle of flu season. I'm going to be very protective of you (and myself) when you're born. I don't want anyone coming to visit you in the hospital and will probably limit the amount of people that see you right after you're born, too because I'm worried that one or both of us will get sick. We were bringing Anna everywhere with us right after she was born, but in the middle of winter with sick people everywhere, I definitely think we're going to be staying home quite a bit more with you.

Anyway, the rest of the weekend was spent shopping more for your room - I think we finally settled on a color scheme of gray and dull navy blue - and then working on homework for me. Things are super slowly coming along for your room, but we're getting there. We are getting ideas down, it's now up to finding the time for Daddy to get the work done. Hopefully he'll make some good progress this month - can't believe we're in October already! November and December will fly by because of the holidays, and then it'll be a month before you're here already!! This pregnancy really is flying by! :)

Friday, October 6 - 21w, 1d
Your movements are slowly getting stronger and more noticeable throughout the day and I love it! I've had Anna try and feel a couple times, but of course you always stop. I think you're going through another growth spurt because of how big I'm getting. I'm really looking forward to your anatomy scan next week!

This week has been exhausting for me, work-wise. Yesterday I feel like I just hit a wall. After school I was trying to get work done and my head was just pounding, to the point where I laid my head down at my desk and closed my eyes for a little while until I was able to find someone in the building with some Tylenol. I don't know if it's all just catching up with me, or if I was just overtired yesterday, but it sucked. I ended up coming home after getting Anna and laying in bed for a little while, forced myself to complete my master's homework in my room with the lights off, ate dinner and went to bed (I even skipped my treatments because the thought of vibrating with a massive headache did not sound so appealing). Of course now I'm kicking myself this morning for skipping my treatments, but I know that one time is not the end of the world. There's always just so much to do between work, being evaluated this year, working on my master's, keeping up with housework, planning Little Brother's room....I just feel like I can't ever get a break!

I know I shouldn't complain. I'm very lucky to be in the situation I'm in. I'm so lucky to be healthy enough to be pregnant again. I've come across an amazing opportunity to get my master's done over the next year or so. I really do love my job and my family. But I think it's starting to hit me how much I really got myself into this semester! :) I'm about halfway done with my master's classes, so we're starting to get into the bigger papers/projects now which just feels like more busy-work. But, that's life and I know I'll be really happy when this part is over and done!