Calvin, One Year!

To my rainbow baby,

Today you are one year old! Today we celebrate you being a part of our family for the last year. You have brought so much happiness into our family - I couldn't imagine life without you!

You have learned so much this month! You're walking!!! You started taking your first steps a few weeks ago and were cruising around furniture really well, but wouldn't let go and walk on your own. Then on your birthday, you decided it was time to walk everywhere! We went to Anna's school family dance that night and you walked all over that gym, it was so cute!

You've started imitating a lot, especially animal sounds. You know dog, pig, cow and duck on your own, but also imitate monkey, bear/tiger/lion, and owl. You love looking at your animal books - it's really the only time you'll sit still.

You're also absorbing so much by listening to us talk. You're learning how to give things when someone says, "Can I have that?" and you are learning how to put things back (not just take them out).

You've also learned how to stand in your high chair and need to be watched like a hawk while you're in there. You are going to be a handful over this next year... I can feel it. Anna loved to climb (and still does), but I have a feeling you're going to try to get into everything and climb.

You are still a good eater, although your huge appetite comes and goes now. You still nurse a 4-5 times a day on the weekend and a few times a day during the week - usually after naps and before you go to bed for the night. I want to continue nursing at least through flu season in hopes of keeping you as healthy as possible. That means I'll probably continue pumping for at least a few more weeks - never thought I'd say that, but it's worth it. You no longer take bottles, but take pumped milk and whole milk from a cup. You still have only 4 teeth, although I could have sworn you were getting more this month the way you've been a little extra fussy... not yet though. Your nighttime sleep is still great and you typically take 2 naps a day, but sometimes an extra catnap is needed in the evening. At your one year appointment, you weighed 18lbs 11oz and are 29.92 inches tall.

Things you love: books, animals, Anna, Archie, singing Wheels on the Bus & trying to do the motions, when someone chases you and says, "I'm gonna get ya!", The Office theme song (you dance every time), your paci, being outside, climbing

Things you dislike: getting your diaper changed, when I don't pick you up, falling down when you're walking, when things get taken away from you (we're better at tricking you now that you know what it means when we ask if we can have something).

This has been an exhausting year for me, but also so, so fulfilling! I never knew how much love I could have for my kids, and it's just the best thing ever. I'm looking forward to this summer with you and Anna!
Love you, Bubba!

38 Weeks

Thursday, February 1 - 38 weeks
This is it, Brother! We're in the homestretch! You did excellent on your ultrasound today - you were breathing a lot, way head down and facing my back. The tech said "baby knows how to exit!" After the ultrasound, I met with the nurse practitioner who checked my cervix. She said I'm about 2-3 centimeters dilated, that my cervix felt a lot lower than two weeks ago, and she could even feel your head. I asked her if she could help move things along a bit, so she went back in a swept my membranes. This means she tried to separate the fluid sac from the uterine lining. Sometimes this helps encourage contractions and labor, so I'm hoping it'll work for us. Since having that done this afternoon, I've had several contractions and some cramping. But now that I've been sitting for a bit tonight after doing my treatments, it's seems to have slowed down. Part of me wants to go straight to bed, another part of me wants to walk around the house to get things moving again. I'm just so antsy to meet you! We'll see how it goes tonight...

Oh, and how could I forget?! Your cousin, Adler, was born this afternoon!! I'm so excited to watch you two grow up together with your other cousins. :)

Friday, February 2 - 38w, 1d
Well, unfortunately nothing happened overnight except me being uncomfortable while I slept. I'm still having some bloody, mucus-y discharge every now and then, so maybe being up and moving at work today will get things going.

Sunday, February 4 - 38w, 3d
I'm still pregnant! All signs of labor beginning have tapered away. I've given up that you're going to make your appearance this weekend. I'm still really uncomfortable, but planning on trying to keep busy today to keep my mind off of not going into labor, and maybe tricking my body into go into labor, haha! Either way, I have five more days of work and just over a week until you're being evicted, so there is an end in sight! Daddy and I have also narrowed your name choices down to two, which is kind of exciting. Now to discuss a middle name....

Monday, February 5 - 38w, 4d
I had my last non-stress test today which was fairly uneventful. I did have about 4 contractions in the half an hour I was hooked up, but they didn't seem to care. I also had them every eight minutes on the drive back home, but then slowed down once I was up and moving for the evening. Even if you decide not to come on your own, it's very reassuring to know that you'll be in our arms in a week! I'm actually starting to look forward to the induction because I know the end result will be SO worth it, even if I don't necessarily want to be induced.

Today also marks one year since our twin boys were born and left this earth. I thought about them quite a bit today, and a lot over the weekend. It's hard to believe an entire year has gone by since we were able to see their faces, hold their tiny little bodies, and kiss their little heads. I'm really glad that Brother did not make his appearance today because I really wanted our boys to have separate birthdays. I'm also very thankful that this pregnancy has been going so much smoother than theirs. It's wonderful to see that my body still knows what to do after such a tragedy. Not a day goes by that I don't think about those two little sweet faces. I am so happy to have their footprints permanently on my body to remind me of our two boys who are no longer with us, but never, ever forgotten.

Tuesday, February 6 - 38w, 5d
It's been a rough day for me. I woke up feeling very uncomfortable and basically remained that way all day. Brother was sitting super low, so I tried to balance sitting down at work for comfort, but walking/standing to try to help convince him to come out....no luck. This evening I tried to take a bath to relax, but with a 3 1/2 year old in the house, that didn't go over so well. I spent the next hour or so trying to catch up on work and homework -- got all of my work caught up, not so much my homework that's due Sunday night. I am SO ready to have this baby! Three more days of work this week and then we just have to get through the weekend. Monday cannot come soon enough right now!

One Year Later

As we are approaching the one year mark of losing the twins, I can't help but feel many mixed emotions.

Some days I still am in disbelief that this even happened.

Some days, like earlier this week, the grief comes over me so strong (even if just for a few seconds) that it hurts.

Some days I feel content and know that there was nothing anyone could have done.

Some days I get angry because I used to believe "everything happens for a reason" and this did not.

Some days I sit and wonder how our lives would be different right now if the boys were born later in the pregnancy and lived. How would we be handling two mobile babies? How messy would our house really be with toys? Would Anna be an amazing big sister, or going a little crazy trying to keep up with them? Or would Tim and I be going a little crazy, too?!

Some days, I relive the day they were born and the guilt comes back full-fledge.

Some days I wonder why our family just wasn't allowed to keep these babies?

I still struggle with the though of how many children do we have? Two? Four?

Some days I just look down at my tattoos and smile. I remember our little babies and am thankful for the opportunity to hold them before we had to let them go.

Some days people see my tattoos for the first time and ask about them. When I explain, they awkwardly apologize.

Not all days are bad. But there is not a single day that goes by that I don't think about the two children we lost.

Tomorrow marks one year since our twin boys were born and left us. It's been a long year, but also it's flown by so fast. It's crazy to think what our family has been through, but we are so lucky to have the support system we do to help us through.

This weekend will always weigh heavy on my heart, for the rest of my life. I hope, as the years go by, the pain will change somehow - maybe, more to hope, more to love, but today and tomorrow, I'm going to think about those sweet little boys, their tiny little faces, fingers, toes and bodies. I'm going to soak up every little squirm and movement from Brother reminding me that he's safe inside my belly, even if just for a few more days. I'm going to be extra thankful for the family I have and hug my baby girl just a little bit tighter. <3 nbsp="" p="">

I'm Still Here!

I haven't posted a blog in over two months...oops! I'm kind of glad though because it means I've really been too busy enjoying my summer! :)

Unfortunately, there's only one more week of summer vacation left for this working mama. I go back to work on August 15th and the students come back on the 17th. But I'm getting ahead of myself...you must be wondering what I've been doing all summer...

Anna and I have been keeping busy! We have been trying to get out and do something everyday. We've spent many hours at two local libraries, completing the Summer Reading Program at each of them. We also started "1,000 Books Before Kindergarten" through one of the libraries and are currently on 188 since starting at the end of May. (I wish I would have learned about it sooner because I'm pretty sure we'd be close to done by now!) We've attended many play groups and made some new friends. We've been in many, many pools and Anna is becoming quite a confident little fish.

At the end of June we took our first family vacation with Tim's sisters and their families, and Tim's Aunt & Uncle. It was SO fun!! It was our first family vacation, and Tim & I's first vacation since our honeymoon almost six years ago.

July flew by filled with more trips to the libraries, pools, parks, museums and play groups. And now, unbelievably, it's August already! August has mixed emotions for me. It's a little sad because it's the end of my time with Anna, but the excitement of starting a new school year balances it out a little. August is also an exciting time because we celebrate Anna's birthday! I cannot believe she is going to be TWO next week! She's grown up and changed so much just this summer! I'll be doing her two year post next week, so I'm not going to put too much in here, except to say that she is potty trained!! I'm so proud of her and I love the little person she's growing up to be!

Health-wise I've been feeling really good this summer. I haven't had any chest infections. I'm just starting up my round of Cayston today, so that should get my lungs in tip top shape for my CF appointment next week and the beginning of the school year. I definitely haven't exercised as much as I could/should have this summer, so there's always that to improve on, otherwise things are going really well here.

Well, that's all for now. We're really busy at home right now preparing for Anna's "blue birthday" party tomorrow! :)

One and Three Quarters

21 months, one and 3/4, Almost two!!! What?? How??

Baby Big girl, you're growing and learning right before our eyes, and it's so fun and you're so silly!!

You're starting to display typical toddler behaviors like requesting specific colors of things (green plate for dinner, purple cup, blue spoon, etc) and you prefer blue of everything - thankfully you don't (yet) throw a fit if we don't have something in that color. You're good about picking from what's already there....for now....You're also beginning to test the limits on rules. Your most recent one is screaming. It drives me crazy! I'm hoping it'll pass soon. :)

You're definitely getting smarter every day and I swear your ears are ALWAYS listening to everything that's going on around you because you pick up on everything, or join in on Mommy and Daddy's conversations when we didn't think you were paying attention. You can also count to thirteen and know all of your colors.
And I'm probably jinxing myself for putting this down, but you still are an amazing sleeper at night. You know the routine (jammies, brush teeth, hugs, then bed) and once we get started you follow it through and go down without a fight. We're thinking about transitioning you to a big girl bed this summer, so I'm hoping this routine will help make that a little easier.
Speaking of summer (which is only two short weeks away for us!!), we're also going to try potty training. Now, I say try because I know you're still young, but you've pooped on the potty a couple times and I honestly think you're smart enough to pick up on it, so we're going to give it a shot. If it completely back fires, then so be it, but that's the plan.

Some of your favorite things at the moment include:

• The color blue! Blue Easter dress, blue "Alayna shoes", blue bike, blue ponies, blue bows....you get the idea. If I can't get you to put in a bow or pony, I just have to find a blue one and you'll enthusiastically say, "yeah!"
• Playing with your babies! You've been carrying around a baby, or three, all day every day for the past few weeks. They eat with you in your high chair, sit next to you in your car seat, sleep tucked under your arms, go ni-night in various places, and get dropped on their heads a lot. Their names include: Pink Baby, Elmo Baby, Dolly (that's at grandma's), White Baby, and all the rest are Other One Baby

You brought home this giant baby from Grandma's and
were mad when it didn't fit with you in your high chair

• Singing - We sing (or count) while we brush your teeth, all the time in the car, or just while we're playing at home. It's an awesome way to cheer you up or distract you, if need be. Some of your favorites are: Itsy-Bitsy Spider, Wheels on the Bus, Turtle in a Box, ABCs, Row Your Boat, Hurry, Hurry Drive the Fire Truck and One - Two, Buckle My Shoe.

"Wheels on the bus go round & round"

• The "bi-bary" and Baby Talk - We took this session off of swimming lessons to go back to Baby Talk, which is a little play group one night a week at the library. We sing songs, listen to a story, and play with other kids. You love it! You'll get up on the little stage with the other kids and dance and jump around - its so cute. :)
• Menards - you get super excited when you hear the song on the radio, you recognize it when we drive by and when we use the bags at home! You're a professional Menards shopper:

I have a feeling this is what our whole summer is going to look like: 

And I can't wait!!!

Toddler Talk

Someone discovered Oreos dipped in milk!

I love listening to your ever-expanding vocabulary and your own versions of words. I feel if I don't write them down now, I'll forget them!

• You now call Archie Erchie
• You said your first "sentence" the other day: Ozzie at home. Who knew adding a simple little word ''at'' would make me so proud!
• You're getting better with putting words together with less pauses in between - your speech is getting more fluent
• You call Liam, Miam, which has come a long way from the previous version bee-but
• You can say ball, bubbles, baby as clear as day, but you still say gook for book
• You know many of your body parts, including your nina, and pointed to Daddy in that area, assuming he had one too, haha!
• You've started requesting songs to sing including itsy-pider, row-row, and toh-toh box (Turtle in a Box)
• You call monkeys okies
• One of my recent favorites are nope and yep!
• Peanut butter is peter butter
• When we're going to brush your teeth, you just put them together and call it beef
• You wanted to help with the dishes the other night, so you needed your stool moved. I was trying to get you to say, help me please, or stool please. Instead, you said move it right here. Haha!

My two favorite people in the whole world!

Other little tid-bits I don't want to forget:

• You know capital letters A, N, and O. You can spell your name on your door :-)
• You're starting to learn your colors and always request a "blue one" when it comes to anything, so you wear your blue bow or pony a lot, and you have a blue Easter dress. When you don't know the color of something, you usually guess that it's green. But you're picking up on them quickly. You knew red, yellow, purple and green yesterday without help. :) 
• You finally broke the 20lb mark! At your 18 month appointment, you were 19lbs 8oz (and sick) which worried the doctor a little bit. We took you for a weight check (one month later) and you were 20lbs 11oz! That's my girl!
• You love to help with the dishes, it's become your chore to help empty the dishwasher. It started with just throwing the silverware into the drawer, now you use your stool and sort the butter knives, spoons and forks. You also love taking out the plates and pretty much anything on the bottom rack. You get frustrated because you can't reach the top rack yet.

You're growing and learning so fast! This summer is going to be so fun!!!

18 Months Old

A year and a half, how can it be?! I feel like we just celebrated your first birthday, and the last six months have flown by!!

I'm pretty sure I said it in your last post about you being a "full-blown toddler", but I think I was wrong. NOW you're definitely there, tantrums and all. :-)

My little reader

You are transitioning from two naps to one per day, which means you can get quite cranky in the evenings and tend to cry about little things, but usually it's not too hard to distract you with something else. Other than some evenings, you are just the happiest little girl!

Here are some things about you at this age that I just don't want to forget:

• No more paci!!! We got rid of it the second week of my winter break and it wasn't too bad. The first night I cut the tip off which really pissed you off. So the next night I just didn't give it to you at all. Any time you'd ask for/about it, we'd remind you that pacis were for babies and that you were a big girl. I also had you throw one of them in the garbage, so that helped, too.
• You're so smart. Sure every parent thinks their child is smart, but I am just amazed by how much you pick up, remember, and recall in the correct context. Ex: family members, animal names and sounds, objects, etc.
• You talk so much! You're starting to put 2-3 words together and you're usually pretty easy to understand.
• This is definitely the stage of "monkey-see, monkey-do". You have a ton of language/words on your own, but you also repeat everything - words and actions!
• You love to read books, especially the ones Aunt Katrina got you for Christmas with the flaps. You also enjoy animal books, dinosaur books, and The Foot Book by Dr. Seuss. One page in there I read it "slllllooooooooowww feeeeet, quick feet" in a slow and quick voice which you love and mimic every time!
• You're obsessed with "meme" which is what you call chapstick. You like to carry it around constantly and get really mad if we won't let you have it. It drives me crazy and I'm really tempted to get rid of it just like the paci! *Update, out of sight, out of mind for about the last week, yay!
• You love Ozzie and sometimes Archie ("Itchy"). You have to find them and hug them each night before bed("bet"). Ozzie tends to love you back, but will let you know when you've bothered him a bit too much, Archie still runs past you and keeps his distance as much as possible. We're trying to teach/remind you to be nice ("mice") instead of smacking or pulling his tail. :)
• If you don't know the name of something you just called it "iss" for this.
• When you see or hear something that you don't know you say "sat?" for what's that?
• You don't use the word no and answer yeah ("dah") to every question.
• You love to sit with me while I'm doing my treatments and taking my medicine ("messies"). You enjoy looking at pictures on my tablet and listening to your voice vibrate.
• We started swim lessons again in the toddler class and you're doing so well.
• You know the capital letter A and sometimes O, and you can count to two, and think everything is the color blue. :)

These last few months have flown by and I love this stage!! I love watching you discover new things. I love playing with you and listening to you play. Your imagination is starting to grow - you love playing with Grandma's kitchen and you've started feeding your little baby. I just want to soak up every minute with you because I can't believe how fast you're growing! 

This will be your last "months" post because saying anything over 18 months just sounds weird. You're officially a year and a half...and then I'm sure I'll find myself saying "she'll be two this summer" and "almost two" sooner than I can even believe! We love you so much baby little girl!

January Clinic Visit

Anna and I arrived home from a successful clinic day just a little while ago....but next time, remind me not to take a toddler on a six-hour round trip. :)

We started our day off around 5:15am, which is typical for us during the week. Tim accidently took the car to work because that's what he's used to, so Anna and I had to take the truck to Bloomington (luckily it's on the way) to switch it for the car. Poor Anna thought we had arrived at our destination and was not very happy with me when she went from one car seat into another. So for the next hour she was fussing and fighting sleep. Finally, she fell asleep and stayed asleep for almost another hour. We were on track to make it to clinic about ten minutes early, until we hit lovely Chicago traffic. Since we were completely stopped, I texted my doctor and let her know we'd be about a half hour late. The traffic ended up clearing quicker than I expected, so that gave us plenty of time to park and get in a diaper change/bathroom break without having to rush to check in.

So happy to be out of the car and in her "chair"

My appointment was pretty uneventful, which the doctor and I both agreed was a good thing. Thankfully, even though I'm not on Cayston right now, my lung function is pretty much the same as last time, at 88%. 😃 I've been lucky enough (so far) to not catch whatever Tim has and all the junk that's going around school. I hope it's able to stay that way these last couple months of winter, but that would be pretty much a miracle.

I talked to Dr. Dowell about getting an Afflo Vest, especially for travel, so she's going to see what she can find out for me before my next appointment. I'm also in the market for a travel nebulizer, one that can be plugged into the car. If anyone uses/knows a good brand, please let me know.

After seeing the doctor, we went to get my labs done and finally, a chest x-ray. I was concerned they wouldn't allow Anna in when I was getting the x-ray which would not allow me to get it, but they were very helpful. They x-ray tech just took her in the stroller behind where she stands and did both x-rays very quickly before Anna realized she couldn't see me. It worked out perfectly.

Anna really was a good sport during all of this at the hospital. She was talking to me more than I expected her to with people around, but of course, just stared at people when they talked to her. :)
Next time I take her though, it'll have to be a time where we come up the night before because that poor girl was so sick of sitting...who could blame her?! Every time we'd stop at a light she would say, "home" because she thought we'd pulled into the driveway; or while driving on the highway, many times she said, "Mommy, out!" As much as I know the doctors like to see her, and I like her to be comfortable with Mommy going to the doctor, I think next time she'll just stay with Grandma!

15 Months Old

11/8/15

Anna,
Yesterday you turned 15 months old! In some ways that seems so young compared to what you can do because you act so "old" to me. I have to remind myself you're slowly transitioning into a toddler still.

One word to describe you, that we call you all the time is silly! You make us laugh everyday! There is hardly ever a day where you are crabby. You're always so happy, giggling and smiling. :) I hope you never lose your sense of humor and your constant joy.

Here's where you get some of your silly from - Daddy!

The amount you have changed from your first birthday is incredible (although you're probably similar in size!). Your vocabulary has grown exponentially from simple sounds to over 30 words and just recently two words put together like "eat" then "banana". You're starting to say more names including Cole, "Ees" for Aunt Elise and mam-aw for Grandma Dorothy....you refuse to say Liam. Anytime we ask you to repeat Liam, you just say "Co" instead. :)

You with "mam-aw"

 You are walking, and trying to run, all over the place and you climb on everything! You're usually great at climbing up, but the getting down part hasn't come as easy yet. You've learned how to turn your noisy toys off and on, you love to chase the cats (and get in slap fights with Archie), and you spell your name on your door and above your crib before you go to bed each night - right now it's just A-a-a-a...

My two favorite people!

You're a pretty independent and confident little girl when you warm up at new places, and especially when we got to Baby Talk times. You love kids and have started referring to all other children as "baby".

We are so lucky and thankful to have such a sweet little girl to call our daughter! We love you so much!!
~Mommy & Daddy

Expanding Vocabulary

We went for our first family hike over the weekend :)

You're 13 months old now and finally beginning to say words! Forget the typical mama and dada, you skipped that stage, started with animal sounds and now words. There are some words you can say on your own (below) and you try to repeat a lot of things we say.

Quack, Quack - very high pitch "tat, tat"
Dog sound (and any unknown animal) - "woo, woo"
Moo - "boo"
Bear - growling
Bubbles - "bub-buh" or "buh-bo"
Drink - "dink"
Cup - "pup"
Sit - "tit"
Chip - "tit"
Boo! - "bew"
Cat/Kitty/Ozzie/Archie - "ah-ah" like a meow sound, the first one's high, second one's lower
Just within the last couple days you've been calling Ozzie "Izzy"
The letter A - loud and clear on that one when you point to the A on your door
Boat - "bope"
Book - "boop" (sounds like book with an ending p sound)
Diaper - "by-ber"
"Uh oh"
Kick - "key-key-key"
Up - "up"

You learned the sign for bath and you use it when you hear the shower running, or when you want to get in the tub. You also make an "ahh" sound (that you would make after taking a cold drink on a hot day) when she sees any kind of cup/drink. It's amazing how you went from babbling to repeating so quickly! You rarely sign more & please anymore, unless you're prompted/reminded. I definitely want to teach you more signs to help expand your vocabulary even more though. Every month I feel like "is my favorite stage" because you're just growing up into such a smart and fun little girl!

One Year Old!

Anna,
You are one now! We had your first birthday party on Saturday and I'd say it was a success even though you were way too tired to even enjoy your cake. :)

Its absolutely crazy how fast your first year of life has gone by! I feel like I could go on and on talking about everything that's happened over the last year, but I'm going to try a different method today.

Favorite things to do:

• Walk everywhere, all the time (except in the grass)
• Push your shopping cart that Daddy made you around the house
• Carry anything (especially clothes) around the house with you while you walk
• Go outside
• "Color" with crayons and sidewalk chalk
• Wear sunglasses

Abilities/Talents:

• Your receptive language is amazing! You're starting to understand simple directions and you're usually good about following them.
• You also know what many objects/actions are and will get/do them when asked.
• You know several animal sounds - doggy, kitty, duck, cow, bear
• You're starting to point to things and trying to say them. Just today you kept pointing at your balloons and saying 'buh'
• You consistently sign more, please, eat, book, and wave for bye-bye/ni-night

You don't like:

• When things are taken away from you or being told no
• Being held/cuddled as much, unless its bedtime
• Being in your car seat for long periods of time
• Getting your diaper changed

Favorite foods:

• Cheese!
• Baked beans
• Peanut butter on toast
• Bananas

The amount you have changed this year is amazing! Although we've had a few bumps in the road, being your mommy has been the most wonderful gift! I cannot wait to watch you grow up, continue to learn, and play with you. You are one of the happiest kids I know and you bring so much joy to our family! Here's to the next year being even more fun than the first! We love you so much baby girl!!!

World Breastfeeding Week

#normalizebreastfeeding

I never thought I'd be one of "those moms" who breastfed her baby until she was a year old, but here we are and I'm so proud!

I'm proud that my "sick" body was able to provide the best for Anna for this long, and that I was able to stick with it during the school year. This would not have been possible without my very supportive husband, Tim​, and my super supportive co-workers (especially Shelley​)!!
I am posting this in honor of World Breastfeeding Week.

I now understand the commitment breastfeeding mothers endure to provide for their babies, but the satisfaction and bond is absolutely worth it! Thank you to my friends & family for supporting us along this journey.