How's Mama?

I can't believe it's been seven weeks since I've had Calvin! It still amazes me how slow time seems to go at the end of a pregnancy - anxiously anticipating the arrival of your child - and how fast time seems to go when they're actually here. It's also amazing how much I forgot about how much labor and delivery takes a toll on my body.

After having Anna, I think I was in this blissful fog, so excited to finally have my baby, that I blocked out any memories of recovery. This time around, it felt all new. Everything about Calvin's labor and delivery was so different from Anna's. The labor was longer and more intense, but the actual delivery was painless and very fast.

I'm not quite sure why, but I expected myself to bounce back so quickly after having Calvin. Maybe it was because I felt great after having him, I wasn't in a lot of pain at all. Just four days after giving birth (pushing a 7+ pound baby out of my body), I thought it would be totally normal to go with Tim to take him to the doctor, take Anna to school, and run a couple errands. The next day, I felt like I got hit by a truck (and my bleeding picked up a bit)! I pushed myself way too much and had to remind myself to slow down and take it easy. Sometimes that was easier said than done, but I tried. It was hard for me to feel like I was accomplishing anything - the dishes were piling up, I had laundry out the wazoo, and the house was a mess. I didn't like that I wasn't really able to do too much without feeling it, but I reminded myself that it was my job to recover and care for my newborn baby. Calvin and I spent a lot of time in our PJs on the couch. Forensic Files during the day, and the Olympics overnight, became the background noise of the first several weeks of my maternity leave. In order to really help take it easy, about 2-3 weeks after he was born, we decided to send Anna back to the babysitter in the morning. This took some stress off of me - I didn't have to worry about fighting her for a nap, I didn't have to bring the baby out in public to take her to school every day, and I didn't have to try to get us out of the house on time - except to pick her up from school where we just stayed in the car anyway.

After about 3-4 weeks, I started feeling back to myself. My bleeding slowed down a lot, Calvin was nursing really well, my milk supply regulated (it came in A LOT and I had to pump several times the first week or two to feel comfortable) and I was enjoying my time at home with him.

Health-wise, I've been feeling pretty good. I slacked on my treatments over the first week or two, but once I got my Cayston round in the mail, that pushed me to get my treatments in daily. The Cayston really helped move a lot of mucus out of my lungs, that I'm guessing, was trapped/compressed from baby taking up my whole body while pregnant. I just had my first CF clinic visit since having Calvin and I had a pretty good visit (aside from the added three hours in the city due to a flat tire). My lung function was around 80% which is a little lower than I would like it to be, I'm typically 85-88%, but I shouldn't be surprised because I haven't been 100% with my treatments over the last few months. I'm hoping that returning to work and getting back into a routine will help with that. I'm also really hoping that I can start some sort of exercise this spring/summer to help boost my lung function even more...and work on my beautiful squishy tummy that's decided to stick around for a while. I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but just a little wider and squishier this time around.

I've also been back to my MFM team and won't go back unless we plan to have more kids. Everything checked out well with them, so there wasn't really much to discuss. It was pretty cool though, on my way to the appointment, in the lobby, we ran into Jim, the embryologist! He was one of the doctors who helped along our IVF journey to get pregnant with Calvin. He took care of our embryos and called me with updates before the transfer. He was the one that 'picked' Calvin to implant back in May. It was really great running into him. He remembered me, gave me a huge hug and was so excited to see both Anna and Calvin. What a perfect way to wrap up this little journey by running into one of the men that helped make it all happen. :-)

Now I plan to soak up the remaining days of maternity leave with my baby boy. I'll be returning to work on April 9th. Calvin will be a day over two months old then. Luckily though, once I return, I'll only have 7-8 weeks of the school year left before summer break, so I'm looking forward to that. I'm hoping it'll fly by quickly.

One Year Later

As we are approaching the one year mark of losing the twins, I can't help but feel many mixed emotions.

Some days I still am in disbelief that this even happened.

Some days, like earlier this week, the grief comes over me so strong (even if just for a few seconds) that it hurts.

Some days I feel content and know that there was nothing anyone could have done.

Some days I get angry because I used to believe "everything happens for a reason" and this did not.

Some days I sit and wonder how our lives would be different right now if the boys were born later in the pregnancy and lived. How would we be handling two mobile babies? How messy would our house really be with toys? Would Anna be an amazing big sister, or going a little crazy trying to keep up with them? Or would Tim and I be going a little crazy, too?!

Some days, I relive the day they were born and the guilt comes back full-fledge.

Some days I wonder why our family just wasn't allowed to keep these babies?

I still struggle with the though of how many children do we have? Two? Four?

Some days I just look down at my tattoos and smile. I remember our little babies and am thankful for the opportunity to hold them before we had to let them go.

Some days people see my tattoos for the first time and ask about them. When I explain, they awkwardly apologize.

Not all days are bad. But there is not a single day that goes by that I don't think about the two children we lost.

Tomorrow marks one year since our twin boys were born and left us. It's been a long year, but also it's flown by so fast. It's crazy to think what our family has been through, but we are so lucky to have the support system we do to help us through.

This weekend will always weigh heavy on my heart, for the rest of my life. I hope, as the years go by, the pain will change somehow - maybe, more to hope, more to love, but today and tomorrow, I'm going to think about those sweet little boys, their tiny little faces, fingers, toes and bodies. I'm going to soak up every little squirm and movement from Brother reminding me that he's safe inside my belly, even if just for a few more days. I'm going to be extra thankful for the family I have and hug my baby girl just a little bit tighter. <3 nbsp="" p="">

18 & 19 Weeks

Thursday, September 14th - 18 weeks

I'm having some anxiety about this afternoon's appointment. I'm just nervous. The closer I get to that 19 week mark, the more anxiety I've been feeling. I'm glad that we're going camping this weekend, it'll help keep me a little distracted. But it's also going to bring up more emotions because this is the first year of camp without Alayna or our boys. We're quickly approaching the one year anniversary of our niece's death which makes me really sad. It also happens to fall on this pregnancy's 19+4, which is how far along I was when I lost the twins. How in the world did those two days happen to fall together - what are the chances of that?

I just want to see your body moving. I still am not feeling much of anything, so I need some reassurance today. Getting through the next two weeks is going to be difficult. I never made it to my 20 week appointment with the twins, so that's going to be a big deal for me this time around.

Evening update: Ultrasound looked great today! My cervix was measuring nice and long and you were moving all over the place. The tech didn't spend a ton of time just watching you (she was down to business), but did comment a couple times about how much you were moving. Now beings the two week wait until my 20 week ultrasound. I think it's going to be a long two weeks, but I'm sure we'll get through it. I also think it'll be a nice little milestone to hit, but don't think that my anxiety will stop there. Nothing says that once you're past a certain number of weeks that you won't miscarry. Just because we get to the 20 week mark doesn't ensure that everything is good to go for the second half of the pregnancy. I'm hoping the rest of this pregnancy goes as quickly and as smooth as the first half!

Friday, September 22 - 19w, 1d
Here we are, in our 19th week. I'm glad to say that, so far, I haven't been having too much anxiety about Monday (19+4) and I've been feeling really good pregnancy-wise. I had my CF appointment yesterday and my lung function is unchanged since June, so that's great. I really think that my extra-busy schedule has helped keep my mind from wandering too much lately.

Pregnancy symptoms I've been having: Pregnancy brain! I swear the farther along I get with this little guy, the more of my brain cells he is zapping! I feel like a total ditz lately, forgetting silly things all the time! Another symptom is stretching -> my belly is stretching and so are my boobs. It's like my body is finally kicking into gear and growing this baby. And...to grow the baby, of course he needs food. I've been SO hungry the last couple of days! Little Brother must be going through a growth spurt because I feel like I'm needing to eat every couple of hours. This week at work I haven't been able to make it between breakfast and lunch without eating a protein bar or something, then I'm usually starving again by the time school's out at 2:15. I've gained about 4-5 pounds so far in this pregnancy, which I think is pretty normal considering my weight was higher to begin with.

I'm just really looking forward to the next few weeks, but then I worry when I say that because, 'what if it doesn't come'? I want to feel his movements more. I want to have lots and lots of ultrasounds. I want to watch my belly get bigger. I want to start decorating his room. I want this to stay a reality, all the way until February.

Monday, September 25 - 19w, 4d
We made it. At this gestational age, on February 5th, your twin brothers were born just a couple hours apart. It feels good knowing that things have been going so smoothly this pregnancy. It's tricky, though, because it's not like that worry is going to vanish now that we've made it past the time when they were born. There's absolutely nothing that says just because we've made it this far, we're in the clear. It's just a different worry now. I feel like each week is an accomplishment. Each week I get further along with you, the happier I am with my body and the closer (slowly) we are to you being full term and us bringing you home. Even though I still have half of my pregnancy to go, I feel like there's a teeny tiny light at the end of the tunnel and the path to get there may have some worries and anxiety, but it seems doable at this moment in time.

I can say with certainty that this day was much easier, emotionally, than I expected it to be. I really think that's because everything has been going so "normal" so far. I feel like that's the word I've been using to describe myself a lot lately, especially when people ask = normal - and I like it. I don't have any mucus-y discharge. I don't have any leaking. I don't have any bleeding. I don't have any cramping or pain. I am not uncomfortable to the point where I have to sit all the time. I don't feel like you're going to fall out because there's so much pressure down below. I can work without feeling worried or in pain. I can play and take care of Anna (although I try not to lift her too much) without getting completely uncomfortable. Yes, I feel huge. I think my belly is about twice as big this time around as it was with Anna, but I don't care. If I have to be huge to carry a healthy baby, then I'll take it. Seeing my belly grow means that you are growing and that's all I can ask for right now.

At this point in my pregnancy I feel much more relaxed than I expected to. I've learned that stressing about things isn't necessary or helpful. Of course sometimes those thoughts take over and I have to deal with them at the time, but they definitely aren't as frequent any more. I think I'll still have a touch of anxiety before every doctor appointment, but that's okay. I hope that I can continue going every two weeks for the rest of the pregnancy, but we'll see what they say.

I can't wait to feel you moving more often. It's still very few and far between, and small little pops and flicks - nothing too big yet. But, I know how big you are right now, after holding your brothers on this day. It's not surprising that I'm unable to feel the movements of your tiny little body. I can't wait 'til you're bigger and stronger. I can't wait for Anna to feel your movements and see your body shifting in my belly. There are so many things I look forward to, but they day you're born (far, far from now) is definitely the most anticipated one.

Little Brother, we love you so much and can't wait for you  are so excited for you to join our family. We will wait as long as needed to meet you. Please stay in Mommy's belly for at least 19 more weeks. As much as we'd love to cuddle and love on you, it's not time for you to arrive just yet. We promise to continue to talk to you, read to you and take care of you until they day you are born.

16 & 17 Weeks

Thursday, August 31 - 16 weeks
We're 16 weeks along in this journey and I cannot wait for my doctor's appointment this afternoon!

It's been almost 5 weeks since my last appointment, and it's been 8 weeks since my last ultrasound! Today I have a feeling of excitement for my appointment, and that feels a lot better than nerves and anxiety. I haven't had any terrible dreams in the last couple weeks, although we are approaching the timing in my pregnancy when I started getting uncomfortable and having issues. I really don't like comparing the pregnancies, because carrying two babies is completely different than carrying one, but it was so recent, it's hard not to compare sometimes.

I've been feeling so good lately, pregnancy wise, though. Sometimes, I don't feel like I'm pregnant at all, which is wonderful. Of course I have some groin and low uterus stretching when getting up after I've been sitting/laying for a while, but I know that's perfectly normal for this gestational age. I have very normal energy level -- considering how exhausted I am from back to school and starting my masters, I'd say that I've been feeling really good.

At my last appointment, they told me at 16 weeks they'd start checking my cervix to monitor it for any changes. Today, we start that. It's a little nerve-wrecking to watch for your cervix to begin failing, and hoping for the best, but going off of the way my body's been feeling, I think we'll be in the clear today. I should be going back every two weeks until 24 weeks, which is what they told me last time. I don't know what's so significant about 24 weeks, but we'll see what they say today. I just can't wait to look at that screen and see Little Brother's body moving all around, look at his face developing and just watch him for a little bit - soak it in, realize that this is really happening again.

Update after appointment: It was SO good to see you, little brother!! The ultrasound tech and I were both surprised to see that you were basically folded in half today! I can't imagine you're that squished yet, but maybe you just like to fold up -- just like Anna did. You looked good. We were able to watch you move your arms and legs a lot, wave, open and close your mouth, and just wiggle all around. It was also confirmed today that you are indeed a boy. It was so reassuring to see all of your fingers and toes, your beautiful little face and perfectly growing body.

My cervix is holding up very well. They don't want it to be under 2.5 and mine was measuring a 5, so I was (and doctors were) very pleased. I'll be going every two weeks for an ultrasound to check my cervix, placenta, and fluid around baby. This will end at 24 weeks because technically then baby will be "viable", so placing a cerclage (stitch closing the cervix) is not seen as effective at this gestational age - this is what was explained to me this afternoon. I'm hoping that everything continues to go well.

I'm still having a hard time wrapping my mind around bringing home another baby. It just feels very surreal. I think I'm still struggling to really accept that we'll be having another child in our house later this winter because I'm still afraid to get my hopes up. I see my growing belly. I saw him moving all around today. I'm slowly starting to feel the beginning flutters. But I still had to tell myself at the ultrasound today, "that's my child". I feel like I'm on the outside looking into someone else being pregnant. It sounds weird to put it into words - I don't know how to explain it. Of course I'm excited to have another baby, but I still have this fear in the back of my mind that we won't be bringing him home.

Friday, September 8th - 17w, 1d
Hey little brother! It's been a week since your appointment and just another week until I'll see you again. It's a good feeling knowing that I'm going so often right now. This was about the time I started to feel off and funky with the twins, so it's really reassuring to feel so normal right now. I really cannot complain about this pregnancy at all.
Your little flutters are becoming a little more noticeable, although still few and far between. I'm excited for when they get stronger so Daddy and Anna can feel them - I think Anna's going to love that!

Daddy and I have started talking about names for you. We have a couple ideas, but nothing that we absolutely love yet. We plan to keep your name a secret until you're born - most likely because it won't be decided on til then anyway!
We also bought you a new stroller this last weekend. We were up visiting friends and we all went to Buy, Buy, Baby and they had a nice stroller on clearance for super cheap. We took it back to our friends' place to see if we liked it and we did. We got such a good deal. So now we'll plan on selling Anna's old car seat/stroller combo so that we can get you a new car seat that fits in with this type of stroller. Your closet is full of stuff - diapers, wipes, clothes, toys, books, etc. I'm getting excited to start working (watching Daddy work) on your room. Hopefully once things settle down for him at work he'll be able to start spending time on it.

Monday, September 11 - 17 w, 4d
Not too much to update here. I've been feeling really good the past few days. I haven't felt much movement from you, but I know it's still early. I'm really looking forward to my appointment on Thursday. It's just an ultrasound - no doctor visit. Just looking forward to more good news.
Daddy, Anna and I went to Hobby Lobby this weekend to try to get some ideas for your bedroom. They had some cute stuff that gave us a few ideas, but nothing set in stone yet. Daddy has a lot to do in your room before we can even think to start decorating. I can't believe we're almost half way through this pregnancy already. It feels like it's flying by! I know February is going to be here before we know it.

Wednesday, September 13 - 17w, 6d
I've started to have a fear creep slowly back into my thoughts over the last day or so. I'm terrified that when I go for my ultrasound tomorrow that you aren't going to be moving. I'm so afraid that you won't have a heart beat.
Physically, I've been feeling just fine and I have had no signs of issues, but something is making me really nervous. I don't know if it's because things are finally starting to settle down with work, school, home, etc., so I'm thinking about you more often. I don't know if it's because we're just getting closer to the day when the twins were born (19w, 4d), or the anniversary of when Alayna died. There's a lot of sadness approaching and I guess I'm just expecting something else to go wrong, too.

All the Feels

Today (Wednesday, May 24) brings up a lot of emotions for me (seems to be the trend lately!) and this is the way that I've learned how to process them all.

• Last day with JD and others at Parsons

Today is my last day of my fifth year of teaching. Today is also the last day of several of my coworkers in our building. We have several people leaving our school because they have either accepted a different job within the district, or for some, out of the district. 

One of those people is our principal. I have been SO lucky to work under such an amazing leader and boss, who has become a good friend. I'll never forget my interview at his school (it was so hot & I was in a pants suit!) and leaving there thinking about how bad I wanted that position. When he called me to offer me the position, I'll always remember the excitement I felt! I was like a kid on Christmas morning! I couldn't wait to start in my first classroom as a kindergarten teacher. I appreciate him giving me the opportunity to begin my career under his leadership. He has taught me so much about myself as an educator and as a person. I appreciate his constructive criticism, advice, humor, guidance, compassion, understanding, support and friendship over the last five years. Our building will absolutely never be the same without him and his strong personality, but I'm happy to see him moving on and up to something he's passionate about - helping others and supporting teachers.
There are several other people moving on from our building, some who have become good friends as well. I really hope we're able to keep in touch despite our busy schedules and growing families. Next school year is going to be very strange walking into our school without these guys, and seeing so many new faces. I don't do well with change sometimes and it's definitely going to be an adjustment. 

• 35 weeks

Today I would have been 35 weeks pregnant with the twins (can you imagine how huge I'd be?!). I remember counting ahead when I was pregnant to figure out if/when I'd take some time off at the end of the school year to relax before the babies were born. 35 weeks is the national average for twin delivery, so I feel like if I was still pregnant, they really would have been coming any day. Now is when they were supposed to be born, not three months ago. I was supposed to spend my summer juggling nursing two newborn little boys and entertaining a toddler, but that's never going to happen. I really try not to dwell on moments like this, but over the next few weeks - when they should have been making their arrival - they're going to be on my mind A LOT. 

• IVF/Retrieval

Instead of preparing for the birth of our boys, we're now preparing for another pregnancy. It feels like we're back at square one, starting all over again. It's exciting and scary all at the same time. Tomorrow morning we'll go in to have all of my follicles removed and fertilized for the next few days under the careful watch of our fertility clinic. We are so lucky to have them fairly local and I cannot thank them enough for helping us have our beautiful children. It sucks to have to start all over again, but the way things are going, we'll hopefully have some exciting news to share this summer. 

I know I've written about it before, but the idea of being pregnant again brings up mixed emotions. Of course we'd be very excited to add to our family, but there's always going to be doubt in my mind that I'll be able to carry the baby full term again. Thankfully I have an amazing team of high-risk doctors who better know I'll be calling them for everything this time around! I know I'll be in good hands and closely monitored, but it still makes me nervous that we could have a similar outcome.
But right now I need to focus on "the now" and not stress about things I cannot control, which is very hard for me to do, but I'm trying. I'm glad to have the summer off work now to help me relax. :)

Two Months Later

Right now I'm feeling How has it seriously been two months already? combined with Man, this really sucks!

This last month has honestly been harder than I expected, as I posted last week. I've had a lot of moments when I've wondered how far along I'd be with the boys (I rarely bring myself to count it out because that just makes it worse) and how huge I'd be (I can only imagine how bad I'd be waddling now, haha!). I think it's just slowly setting in more that we lost two of our children.

Then I think to myself - when the question comes up of "how many kids do you have?", what am I supposed to say?! If I say 'one', then I feel bad that I'm not counting them as my children because they are/were....but if I say 'three', then comes the explanation and people get awkward and don't know what to say....it's just tough.

That's one thing I've learned this last month especially, please don't feel awkward about my babies! I am so happy to have been able to carry, then see and hold my baby boys, even if it was just for a short time. I love that we were able to see their faces, although it makes me sad that I don't have a picture of them. They are our children and I like to talk about them sometimes. Its OKAY to talk about them and the pregnancy! Please, don't act like they never existed, because they sure were loved by a lot of people! Sure, talking about them sometimes might make me sad, but I've learned that it's okay to feel sad sometimes; I just can't let the sadness consume me -- which I think I've done pretty good about most days. I think about those little guys every single day, and I can't imagine that's going to change, ever. They'll always be our little Butter & Jelly. <3 p="">

Current Struggles

I know this blog has focused on our miscarriage a lot lately, but that's just our life right now. Some days are worse than others - some moments are worse than others. These are some things I've been struggling with lately, that maybe I didn't expect to, or have been affecting more than I thought they would:

Last week I attended a PLC (professional learning community) for school about the effects of childhood trauma on the brain. This is something we've been discussing and learning about as a school and district a lot this year to be better supporters in the classroom. Anyway, the presenter was talking about how much the brain develops so much even as a fetus, before a baby is born. She was saying how things like stress in the mother and/or her smoking/drinking while pregnant has a negative effect on the baby's brain and development that could impact them for the rest of their life. It just made me think about how I tried to provide the best prenatal care that I could for my boys, but I still lost them and how that's not fair! How come the mom that drinks and smokes during her pregnancy can have her baby, but I didn't get to have my two boys...after six months of fertility treatments!
I know that life isn't fair. And I know that's just how the world is, but it just sucked a little bit extra that day, in that moment. It's things like this that pop up every now and then, that makes me think of what could/should have been and makes this whole experience hard.

Another thing that's been bothering me lately is that our boys don't have names. When we were in the hospital, after they were born, several of the nurses/staff asked us if we had names picked out, and we didn't. We thought we had another 3-4 months to pick out their names, so we hadn't really settled on anything - we hadn't even had a ton of ideas yet. Sitting in the hospital, trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I just gave birth to my babies half way through my pregnancy, and that they were dead......the idea of naming them just didn't feel right. We didn't have names picked out. How could I sit and name them when I didn't even get a chance to know them?!
But now, I want to. I have thought about their little faces every single day for the last seven weeks. I have put different names to their faces in my head and I want them to have names. I want them to have identities, even though they'll never grow up in our family - they're still my babies. They're still our sons. I don't know how to go about it, and obviously that's only something Tim and I can decide, but that's what's on my mind recently.

Pregnancy. That's what's on my mind a lot! I, honestly, cannot wait to get pregnant again. And it's not to replace the babies we've lost, but to grow our family the way we've always wanted to. I've written an entire separate blog post about this topic, that I'll share at a later date (no, I'm not pregnant), but it is absolutely something that is on my mind all the time.

Announcements of pregnancy & newborns. It seems like my entire Facebook feed has been filled with positive pregnancy tests, announcements, bump pictures, birth announcements and monthly photos of adorable little newborn babies! And maybe it's because I'm just a little extra sensitive right now, but I just can't handle it!

"I'm supposed to be posting the bump pictures. 
Today is Wednesday, that was the day we took the pictures.
I wonder how giant my belly would be today?
How far along would I be now?
We're supposed to have three kids.
Are they scared to share their news in case something happens? 
Why did my boys get taken away?
I wonder what they would have looked like."


Dreams. I've been having a lot of dreams recently about having babies, being pregnant, etc. One night I had a dream where we had a 4-5 month old son and while I was playing with him & feeding him, I couldn't remember his name or if he had a name. Then he was in an exersaucer, leaned forward, fell out and bumped his head. When I picked him up, he started getting smaller and eventually looked like Baby A. So I started nursing him, and he was back to his normal size and was totally fine. (WEIRD!)
Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant again, with one baby. I couldn't bring myself to find out the gender, I wanted to be surprised. But then someone looked at the screen during the ultrasound and said, "wow, yes, I can tell", and immediately I knew we were having a boy. I got so excited because we would be able to use the clothes that we bought, and still have, for the twins.

I'm guessing this is just the way my mind is working through not having our sons, but my heart still wanting them. I will always wonder how our life would have been different. I am not posting these things to make people feel bad for me. I'm not looking for your opinions on baby names or when would be the best time for us to try to expand our family again. I'm using this as a form of processing for me, and sharing my experience with others so that they can learn from or have someone to connect with if they've gone through something similar. This is real life for me. I don't ever want to forget the two little boys that were supposed to join our family this summer, and this is the way I'm choosing to grieve and process.

One Month Later

Yesterday marked one month exactly since I miscarried our twin boys at 19+4 weeks. I'd have to say that Tim and I have been doing pretty well all things considering. Anna has been a fantastic distraction, and I don't know what/how I'd be doing without her!

Every day is different. Some moments I feel like I was never even pregnant because it was here and gone so fast. Sometimes I so look forward to the day I'm pregnant again. Other days seeing pregnant women makes me angry and jealous. I think a lot about the future, mostly about this summer. I was supposed to have three kids, not just one. The way I thought my summer was going to go is completely different. I try to think about the positives - I get to spend so much more time with Anna than I expected, especially before she starts preschool - but it still makes me sad because we were supposed to be expanding our family this summer and that's not going to happen.

I spent a lot of time last night allowing myself to remember our boys. I think about them often, especially with the perfect necklace I wear from our friends Kristen & Ryan. It's the perfect little reminder of my guys every day. I often think about them quickly and either get distracted by life/work/family, or find a distraction as not to dwell on the sadness of everything. But last night, I allowed myself a couple hours to really think about them and how much our lives have changed. I read posts and stories of other moms who have gone through similar situations. I decided to join a couple local SHARE groups to connect with other women. I shared the story of our boys and allowed myself to be sad for a while.

I keep coming back to a post I read the other day on a blog called "Scary Mommy". It discusses how women tend to have to grieve on their own when they experience and earlier miscarriage and how society doesn't know how to handle or talk about miscarriage even with it being so common. Now, obviously we are not grieving alone and this did not happen early for us, but there were several lines in her post that connected with me:

"You didn’t stay very long, but it doesn’t take long to become part of a family. And for the short time you were with us, you made us a family of four. You made us so, so happy."

"I am sorry you didn’t get to stay longer. I am sorry my body betrayed you. I am sorry that you did not get to grow. I grieve for the future that I had planned for you in that short amount of time. But I am so glad that I knew you, even for the briefest of times. And I will never forget you, little one, not ever."

"... there is no line graph where the love you feel for life inside you increases with the number of weeks it gestates. Pregnant is pregnant. Loss is loss.

Miscarriage isn’t just a loss we feel emotionally. It happens to our bodies, inside of us. We experience it physically. "

"While I have physically and emotionally healed from my miscarriage, I will always remember the life that could have been. I will never forget his due date nor the future I had imagined."

I will always think about what could have been, but I will not dwell on it. As time goes on, I will never, ever forget our two little boys. But our family will become stronger from this and we will move on to be better versions of ourselves.

Second Week - Recovery

Another week down, yet it feels like it's been forever. This week has been a bit easier, but I still think about both boys all the time. I've been playing a lot of "what-if" scenarios in my head this week: What if I knew my water broke? What if I didn't go to my CF appointment? What if I had gone in to be checked just one more time?... I don't like thinking this way because I know that there was absolutely no way to change the outcome of what happened, but sometimes I just can't help but think about it. I think these thoughts will always be in the back of my mind, and I'm looking forward to the days when they don't pop up frequently.

On a brighter note, going back to work felt so good - way better than I expected. In my last post I talked about how I was nervous about how the kids would react, or if things would be weird. Nothing weird or awkward! The kids were just so excited to have me back, I honestly bet half of them forgot why I was even gone. I did get several hugs from kids (and a few from adults) and felt so welcomed back! Everyone was extremely positive and sweet. Thursday, it felt so good to be teaching again. I remember thinking during a lesson, "This is where I'm supposed to be. This is what I'm supposed to be doing." Friday, I got to work and was full of energy. I cleaned and organized my room, rearranged desks, entered grades, sorted papers....all while I was supposed to be at a meeting - oops! Oh well, no biggie. :)

It was nice having a three day weekend, with gorgeous weather, to spend time with friends and my little family. Tim, Anna and I were able to enjoy lots of time outside this weekend which was so fun. It's tricky because I'm glad that I was able to go for a long walk with them this weekend, but it also made me a little sad because I'm not huge, pregnant and waddling like I expected to be. There are little moments like these that pop up day to day where I think to myself, "I wouldn't be able to do this if I was still pregnant." Sometimes I feel like I was never pregnant, but it's times like these where I remember that I absolutely was and those little guys were a part of our life, even for that short amount of time.

I try really hard not to dwell on the what-ifs and that "this would be different if I was still pregnant" moments because I cannot do anything to change what has happened. I don't want to surround myself with negativity and stress - that's not going to help this healing process AT ALL. I feel that both Tim and I have been dealing with everything and beginning to healing really well. We've had some wonderful talks, we've been really positive about everything and it's been great having him throughout all of this over the last couple weeks. I had no idea what to expect or how I'd handle this whole situation two weeks ago, but I really do feel that we've both come a long way and I'm proud of how we're handling everything. I'm sure there will be many tough moments ahead (their due date, this summer, milestones, holidays, etc), but I know that we are strong together and we can make it through. :)

Recovery

Tomorrow I return to work and I'm full of mixed emotions. I'm looking forward to getting back to "normal" as much as I can. I crave routine and I love my job. I miss my kids, but I'm honestly nervous about seeing them for the first time. I'm worried that they're going to have questions that I can't answer, or may bring up emotions that I don't want to face in front of them. It's also going to be hard seeing all of my co-workers again. I'm sure there will be lots of hugs and probably even a few tears, but I'm going to try to be strong for my boys tomorrow and Friday. I chose to go back towards the end of the week so that I can ease myself back into the working world. I'll be working two days this week, then we have a 3 day weekend, and only a 3.5 day work week next week. I think slowly getting back into full time will help my mind and body adjust to working again.

I wanted to use this post to kind of re-cap the last ten days and what my recovery was like, physically and emotionally. To be honest, there are times when it felt like I was never even pregnant because it was ripped away so quickly. Then that makes me sad because I don't ever want to forget our little guys. Then there are times when I think about how far along I would be today and wonder what I would look like, if I would feel them squirming yet, etc.

Sunday - the day of: physically, I really did feel fine on Sunday in the hospital. Baby B was born around 3-3:30am, and for the next 5+ hours my body was forced into labor to deliver their placentas that didn't come out on their own. This process was honestly the worst of it all. I was cramping and in pain for over five hours, constantly pushing to try to get them out. Once they finally came out around 8:30-9, it was the biggest feeling of relief, physically. I don't think I even processed losing the boys because I was so worried about getting the placentas out without losing too much blood or screwing up my reproductive system (neither happened - everything went very well).
The rest of the day, Tim and I had to process what had just happened, and notify our family and friends. Physically, my body felt fine. I wasn't in pain, the cramping subsided and eventually stopped pretty quickly, and I really wasn't even fatigued. Emotionally, I was numb. I don't think I really realized what happened until a few days later. It was sad and really tough to call our family and friends to tell them what happened, but I don't think I really understood it. Tim and I were able to talk through a lot of it, but I wonder how much we really grasped it then.
Sunday evening, I was discharged from the hospital around 6pm. I declined a script for pain medication from the doctor because I was feeling fine in the hospital. We stopped by Walgreens to pick up some Motrin for me in case I had any physical pain when I got home. Once we got settled at home, I noticed that I was struggling to take a deep breath without having pain. I assumed it was from missing a few treatments since being in the hospital, so I forced myself to do a treatment before crashing in my bed. Unfortunately, the albuterol did not feel as good as I expected, and the pain didn't really go away. I was way too tired to even think about it, so I curled up in my bed and passed out for the night. (I hadn't slept since 1:30am, Sunday morning)

Monday - I woke up in pain! My body hurt! And it wasn't my uterus area, either, which surprised me the most. It hurt to breathe, bend, move in certain directions, swallow food/water, etc. The area all around my rib cage, front and back was so sore! I felt like a little old lady. It hurt to stand up straight and take a deep breath, so I was hobbling around the house, breathing very quick, shallow breaths. I tried not to move too much. I realized that I was so sore from bearing down and pushing for five hours! I took Motrin every four hours, but it didn't give me much relief. Anna's sleep schedule was thrown off too, so all three of us did a lot of laying around together this day.

Tuesday - I decided I needed something stronger for this pain! I called the OB who was on-call at the hospital and asked for a script for something. She ended up prescribing me Norco and 600mg of Ibuprofen. We drove to the OB's office to pick up the script for Norco and had to bring it to a Walgreens to get filled - which took an hour because they were so busy!
We also stopped at the funeral home on this day. I thought we were going to pick up our babies, but we just met with one of the employees (my co-teacher's dad, he was amazing!) to discuss how cremation would go and what to expect.
Then, later that afternoon, Anna had her 2.5 year check-up. With all the chaos going on, I thought about rescheduling, but I also thought it would be a good distraction and a nice focus on our little girl. Tim wasn't feeling the best & was also on Benadryl, so I took Anna to her appointment. She was SUCH a big girl! She was able to use the big kid scale for the first time, and they measured her height against the wall for the first time, too. She also allowed the doctor to look at her and listen to her without having to sit on my lap! From her appointment at two years old, Anna gained over two pounds and grew 1.5 inches! The doctor and I were both very pleased with her growth, and I was so proud of how well she did at her appointment. :)
The rest of the day, I took it easy - that was the most I had to do since Sunday, and I was exhausted. I took the Norco as prescribed, but I felt it didn't make a huge difference in my pain level.

Wednesday - Tim went back to work on this day, which made me a little sad, but I know that he's the type of person that needs to keep busy. Thankfully my friend Catie had the day off already due to babysitter issues, so she and her adorable daughter, Lila, came down to hang out with Anna and I. Catie was a huge help! Her and I have been best friends for over ten years and she just gets me. She helped me with things around the house, helped with both girls while we went into school so I could get my midterms done, and even ran to the grocery store for us! It was wonderful being able to spend the day with her, and Anna loved having Lila to play with.
Physically, I was starting to feel better, I was able to breathe a bit better, but still tried to move slow and take it easy. One new symptom I noticed was that my boobs were starting to hurt in the morning, and by afternoon, my milk was coming in. This was not something I even thought about since having the boys, so it really threw me for a loop! It made me sad that my body thought I had the babies home with me and was preparing to feed them. I knew there wasn't much I could do, but figured I'd ask at my doctor appointment the following day.

Thursday - This was definitely my most emotional day. I woke up really sad. I don't know if it was because my physical pain was finally gone, so now I could start processing the emotional pain of it all; or if it was because I had my appointment with MFM and I knew it was going to be so hard to see the team again.
Thankfully my friend Kristin went with me to my appointment. I asked her a couple days in advance because I wasn't sure what I'd feel like being on the Norco and if I should drive. I also wasn't sure if emotionally I'd be able to drive after my appointment, so I was happy when she told me she'd take me. She picked me up early and we hit up the mall for a little bit before the appointment, which was a nice little distraction.
When we got to MFM, they called me back pretty quickly and as soon as the first nurse came in, I lost it. She looked so sad to see me, immediately gave me a hug and we cried together. Once I settled down, I told her the story of how everything happened Sunday and we talked it through. She told me how sad everyone was to hear about it and how they all cried together for me. It was nice to be able to talk to her though. And when she left, the nurse practitioner came in and it was the same thing all over. We hugged, we cried, I talked (a lot) and we had a great conversation. She was able to answer any questions I had, gave me a couple tips on how to help dry my milk, and was extremely comforting. She reassured me that there really was nothing that anyone could have done differently and that unfortunately things like this just happen and there's no way to stop them. After talking to the both of them, I felt better and was able to leave feeling pretty good. Kristin and I got some lunch together and I was so drained when I got home that I took a nap!
I remember thinking on this day, "Oh my goodness, how is it Thursday already?!" Then I realized how quickly Monday was coming up and how I was definitely not ready to go back to work yet. After talking with the nurses and Kristin about how I was feeling, I decided that Monday was not the day I'd go back to work. I decided to take a few more days the next week and make my first week back nice and short. That's when I texted my principal that I'd be coming back in one week, the following Thursday.

Friday - I really don't remember much of what we did on Friday. Anna spent the day with Grandma on Thursday since I had my appointment, but I chose to have her home with me on Friday since it was really my first day home alone without visitors or anything. I know that was the first day I took Benadryl to help dry up my milk, and ended up taking a long nap on the couch. Thankfully Anna also took a long nap in her room, so we were both able to catch up on our sleep.

Saturday - We chose to spend the day with Tim's mom, sister, our nephews and then Tim's Grandma. It was nice to spend time with family and to watch Anna, Cole and Liam play together for a while. They're so funny together and act like siblings, so it's always entertaining.

Sunday - We had a lazy day around the house and it was wonderful! I think we ran some errands, but my days are blurring together, so I honestly don't remember. I know that physically, at this point, I was starting to feel so much more normal. I did have a bit of cramping over the weekend, but that's to be expected. Thankfully it only lasted a day or two and hasn't stuck around.

Monday, Tuesday, & Wednesday - This week has flown by! Over the weekend, I remember thinking to myself that I had no idea what I was going to do this week, but I cannot believe how quickly it's gone by. Anna and I have been able to spend a lot of time together and it's been so nice! We've cuddled a lot, read books, played, painted, went to the museum, to the park and ran some errands. It was wonderful being able to soak up her extra cuddles and spend this time with her before having to return to work.
Each day I slowly felt more normal, both physically and emotionally. My body is getting back to the way it was prior to my pregnancy little by little. My milk is definitely drying up - thanks Benadryl - and I'm no longer in any physical pain from all of this. Emotionally, I'm okay. I am able to laugh with my family and friends, look forward to seeing people and doing things and I don't feel like I'm stuck in a rut. It feels like so long ago that I was pregnant, and sometimes feels like all of this was just a terrible dream. I still have several flashbacks, daily, about holding my baby boys and being in the hospital. I know, with time, that will get better.

And now, here we are - Wednesday night. I'm up later than I wanted to be, but that's not surprising. I'm feeling nervous about returning to work tomorrow because I really don't know how the kids are going to react. I feel bad that I've had to put them through something like this at such a young age.
I can deal with adults, and I'm looking forward to laughing with everyone again, but it's the kids I'm just not sure about. I really hope they allow us to go about our day as normal as possible. I'm worried about crying in front of them. I'm worried that they'll ask me questions that I can't answer. It's just a lot of unknowns which I never like...
Here's to a good night's sleep and cooperative little children tomorrow! :-)

One Week Later - Emotions

Wow, as we come up on a week already since losing the boys, I am overwhelmed with many emotions.

Of course I'm sad that all of this happened. It hurts that we won't see our little guys grow up together with their sister. I'm still confused as to why this happened - something we will never, ever have the answer to. I'm disappointed that after going through months and months of fertility treatments to even get pregnant, we had to say good-bye to our little boys before they were ready to be born. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted from the actual event of it all, and replaying it in my mind over and over...

But despite all of these "expected" emotions, I've also been overwhelmed with love. The love that I have for my husband and daughter has been my strength to get me through this. The way he has supported me over this week makes me so proud and so lucky to be his wife. We've both been so happy to have Anna as our little ray of sunshine to keep us happy and laughing during the difficult/emotional moments.

But what's more, is that I cannot believe how lucky we are to have such amazing people in our lives! The amount of love that has come our way over this last week has been absolutely amazing and I cannot even begin to put into words (even though I'm going to try) how thankful we are to each and every person that reached out to us.

When such a tragedy happens to a loved one, as an outsider, you don't know what to do or say that's going to make those people feel better. You don't want to say too much, or not enough, and you really don't know what you're supposed to do.
But when the tragedy happens to you, I've realized that it doesn't matter what people say or how much they say - what matters is that they are there and that you know they love you. I didn't know what I wanted people to say to me after all of this -- what could they really say that was going to make me feel better?! What helped was knowing that people cared, no matter how they showed it. Our family and friends have been amazing over this last week. The outpouring of love towards our family has been unbelievable and truly, greatly appreciated. We seriously have the best family supporting us through this situation.

And a special shout-out to my work family! Holy cow, you guys! I've worked in this building for five years, and have seen our staff come together and support each other and our families many, many times. But to be on the receiving end of that support....it's unimaginable. To see that the people you work along side every day (and some you just see in passing because we're all so busy) truly care about you and your family is amazing. Again, I cannot express how thankful we are to everyone who helped cover my classroom, fill in my plans, talk to and support my kids through this hard time, donate their sick days, their time, their energy to make getting through this difficult time just a tad bit easier - it means the world to me.

I know that my emotions are going to be all over the place for a long time coming, and I don't think it's ever something we'll completely get over, but it'll get easier with time. But for those rough, emotional, hard times, I know that we are absolutely surrounded by people that love us so much and that truly makes all the difference. So, to every single person who has reached out to our family in any way, THANK YOU are not big enough words to express how much we appreciate you and your love.

Our (In)Fertility Journey - Part Two

To read "Part One" please click here.

After getting settled into our new rental house, setting up my classroom, and starting a brand new job teaching Kindergarten, you'd think the last thing on my mind would be getting pregnant - of course not! It's something I've always wanted and I knew it wasn't going to happen without help. I learned that one of my teacher partners was currently going through fertility treatments and decided to confide in her everything that we had gone through and asked where she was getting her fertility help from. She referred us to a wonderful clinic about 45 minutes from our new town. In late October 2012, I had my first consultation with the head nurse at the clinic.

The consultation went very well, in my opinion. I explained everything that we had been through with the genetic counselor, and the Clomid and she wanted to take a step back, dig deeper, and figure out why I wasn't getting pregnant before just putting me on some hormones. Good idea! I already liked this clinic better! And, when I asked if they had experience with CF and pregnancy, she told me she had a woman with CF in the previous day who was working towards her second pregnancy - awesome! :-) So over the next couple months I had several tests done including lots of blood work and a procedure called an HSG, and Tim had to get a semen analysis done - just to make sure he wasn't the problem. During my HSG, they inserted dye into my uterus and through my Fallopian tubes to make sure that they weren't blocked or obstructed in any way. They took x-rays the whole time to watch the dye to make sure it flowed through my tubes properly. The procedure itself wasn't too terrible, just some mild cramping during. After the procedure (which was done by an extremely pregnant doctor...of course), the doctor told me that she noticed some slight dilating in my tubes, but otherwise everything looked fine. She didn't go into detail about what that meant, so I was under the impression that this "dilating" wasn't going to be a problem...

At the end of December, a couple days before Christmas, we finally met with the fertility doctor who went over the results of all of the testing we had done over the past couple months. Tim's semen sample was pretty good, some of his sperm were not fully mature, but he said he had a big enough sample of ones that were, that he wasn't too concerned. He referred Tim to a male reproductive specialist who didn't give him too much information. Tim ended up researching online how to make his sample better, and started taking some vitamins. When he had a repeat test done a couple months later, his sample was completely normal. :) If only my issues were solved with a few extra vitamins...

The fertility doctor then explained that my hormone levels looked normal, but my tubes did not. He said that they were filled with an "embryo-toxic fluid" called hydrosalpinx which is harmful to my follicles and any embryo that tried to implant in my uterus. He said it would be best if we just "took them out". And I think that I was in such shock from trying to absorb all of this that I misunderstood what he said and thought he meant we had to take out my whole female reproductive system! I started crying while he was talking because I though "this is it, I'm never going to be able to have kids. They just have to rip everything out of me." That was not the case. He re-explained it to me, assuring me that we could still get pregnant even if I didn't have Fallopian tubes, we just couldn't do it naturally - it'd have to be through IVF.

The job of the Fallopian tubes is to bring the mature follicle to the uterus to wait for sperm to fertilize it. Without Fallopian tubes, there's no way the mature follicle could get to the uterus which meant there would be no way to naturally get pregnant. The IVF would help me produce mature follicles, then they would have to surgically be removed from my ovaries, Tim would give a semen sample, and our egg & sperm would be fertilized in a lab, and once it was mature enough, it would be inserted (through a catheter) back into my uterus to hopefully implant itself.

The plan was to have a laparoscopic surgery, which would be minimally invasive with two or three tiny incisions, to remove my Fallopian tubes. Once we decided to do the surgery though, there was obviously no going back - we would have to get pregnant through IVF. We left the appointment with a lot of information to digest and a surgery scheduled for the end of February to remove my tubes.

Jeremy Locke

The world lost a good man early this morning and my heart is breaking. There are so many emotions running through my head, but mostly anger and sadness. I'm angry that Jeremy was only given 29 years on this Earth. I'm angry that CF and pneumonia teamed up against him. I'm angry that he was never given his second chance. I'm sad that he was only married to Jessie for just over three months. I'm sad that the last time we saw him was on his wedding day. I'm angry and sad that Jessie is going through this.

I'm happy (and lucky) to have known Jeremy and that I call him my friend. I'm happy that we got to live across the hall from Jessie & Jeremy for a year and got to know each other. I'm happy that Jessie decided to wear a Great Strides t-shirt to class so that I could use it as a conversation starter which has led to years of friendship. I'm so happy that we attended Jessie and Jeremy's wedding in September because it was the most love-filled wedding I have ever been to!

I hate you, CF. I hate you for taking away my friend and making his young wife a widow. Watching you take Jeremy so quickly makes me want to kick your ass even harder than I am now - to show you that you can't keep doing this!

Please keep Jessie and Jeremy's family in your thoughts and prayers as we wrap up this year and as they grieve, mourn and celebrate the life of Jeremy.

CF Awareness Month Blog #26 - In Memorium

So far in my life, I've only personally known one CF patient who's died, my friend Joe, and it was very difficult for me. And I say 'so far' because I know that as I connect with more cysters and fibros in the online CF community, eventually (hopefully years and years down the road) I'm going to start losing more friends. It may not necessarily be to CF, but it's still tough when you have that connection with them. You know exactly how they were feeling and what they had to deal with day to day.

Summer 2005 - 17 years old

When I walk in Great Strides, or when I'm running around my neighborhood, or feeling particularly negative about wanting to do my treatments, I think about my friend Joe. I'm doing this, whether it's running, raising awareness, or doing my treatments, because I can. I think about all of the things that Joe wanted to do with his life and how, unfortunately, he's not around to do them anymore. I think about how he would want me to be happy and healthy, and to do the things I love. I do it for him. I do it for those who have lost their life from CF. To show them that I'm not going to give up because I know they didn't give up when they were fighting, too. I am doing everything in my power to make those who are no longer with us because of CF, proud. And their families proud. I do it to prove to myself that I can beat CF each day. I will not let CF run my life.

CF Awareness Month Blog #12 - Cracking Point

**Happy 200th Post**

Having Cystic Fibrosis isn't easy to deal with everyday. There are times when I really want to skip my treatments. There are times where I think, "Why me?" There are times I get scared about the future. But thankfully, for me, those times are getting to be fewer and farther between.
As I've mentioned in previous blog posts this month, I really struggled with accepting my CF in middle school and high school. There were times when I would just cry in my room because I was so scared about what the future held for me, or because I was so frustrated that I had to work so hard to keep myself healthy each day. But I'm very happy to say that with the support of my friends, then meeting Tim in college, and the encouragement of my CF doctor, I was able to work through those tough emotions and see that I'm much happier thinking positively about my life. CF has kept me on my toes the past few years (as I think it always will), throwing some challenges my way lately, but I know that I can get through it. Keeping a positive attitude and taking things day by day definitely keep me from cracking!

CF Awareness Month Blog #10 - Pros & Cons

Pros:

• I think the CF has really helped shape me into the person I am today, and I'm very proud of that person - I'm independent, strong, determined, a leader, optimistic & loving.
• I've been welcomed with open arms into the great online CF community! It's a wonderful place to meet people who are struggling through similar things and it's also an excellent place to reach out and help others. Thanks to Blogger, CysticLife, CFLiving, Facebook, etc...
• CF has forced me to be the healthiest version of myself. I want to take care of my body so it can last as long as possible. I feel that if I didn't have CF, I wouldn't understand how precious having a "healthy" body would be, and I don't think I'd take care of myself as well as I do now.
• Kind of going with the above statement, I feel like I have a greater appreciation for life. Being faced with a life-threatening disease, it makes you appreciate each day that you have knowing that your health could decline really at any moment. Of course, I hate to think like that, I really try to stay positive, and that's really made me enjoy everyday even more! And that's my motivation to be the healthiest version of myself!

Cons:

• It's time consuming! Having CF takes up a lot of time in my life with daily treatments and lots of doctor appointments. Sometimes I wonder what I'd be doing with all my time if I didn't have to do treatments...Along the same lines, it's annoying to have to lug all of my treatments with me whenever we go out of town.
• It's always something. I feel like there's always something that is 'wrong' whether it's low lung function, low weight, chest infection, diabetes scare....they never seem to all be 'good' at the same time.
• CF is expensive.
• It's emotionally tolling. It took me a long time to accept CF as a part of my life. It's always in the back of my mind that my health can decline, and that one day I might have to be in the hospital regularly with IVs, and that one day I might have to be listed for a lung transplant.

With all of this being said, to me it seems like the Pros far out-weigh the Cons here, for me. But I would still never wish that anyone would have to go through this. I can't say that I wish I never had CF because I don't know what kind of person I would have become without it and I am very proud of the person I am today. If I could get rid of CF today, I'd gladly do that because I'd still have the understanding and appreciation from living with CF for nearly 25 years...if that makes any sense.

New CFF Regulations

I received an email today from the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation informing me on the new infection control regulations between CFers. (My thoughts about it are below)

CF Foundation Updates Infection Prevention and Control Policy for All Foundation Events and Meetings

March 14, 2013

The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation recently updated its Infection Prevention and Control Policy for all Foundation events, meetings and offices to protect the health of people with cystic fibrosis.

The Foundation took this step based on increasing medical evidence of a greater risk that people with CF could spread destructive germs to others with CF, which may lead to severe or worsening lung disease. The new policy reflects the advice of leading CF medical experts and published medical research.

The key elements of the Foundation’s policy are:

• Indoor events: At any Foundation-sponsored indoor event or meeting, including gatherings such as chapter committee meetings, only one person with CF may be present and he or she will be designated in close consultation with event chairs and key event volunteers.
  
• Outdoor events: At Foundation-sponsored outdoor events or gatherings, people with CF need to maintain a distance of at least 6 feet from each other.
  
• B. cepacia: Under no circumstances shall individuals who have ever had a confirmed positive sputum culture for Burkholderia cepacia (B. cepacia)complex attend any Foundation events, meetings or offices.

“We understand that these changes may be difficult for many in our community,” said Robert J. Beall, Ph.D., president and CEO of the Foundation. “However, we want to be sure that we are doing all we can to reduce the risk of cross-infection among people with the disease. The health and well-being of people with CF is our top concern — it is at the heart of all we do.”

The Foundation is expanding its use of teleconferencing and live videocasts to help make it possible for people with CF to participate in indoor Foundation events and meetings and is exploring other new technologies to engage people with CF in all of its activities.

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I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. On one hand, I understand. It's to keep us healthy and from spreading our germs/bacteria to other CFers...but at what point to we have to put ourselves in a bubble? What about when I go to my CF clinic appointments, how are they going to seclude us in the waiting room? And I've even seen that at some Great Strides events (even though they're outdoors) CFers have had to wear a lei to identify themselves as having CF. Are all CF fundraising events going to be like this now? What about the black tie events and indoor things throughout the year where several CF patients were able to speak and tell about their experiences? It's tricky when we're trying to live as normal as possible, but yet we can't because we can't be around each other and everywhere we go we have to identify as a CFer. I'm not just a CF patient. I'm a daughter, sister, wife, aunt, teacher, and friend, too.

All I have to say is thank goodness  for social media! I'm very thankful to have things like Facebook, CysticLife, CFLiving.com, blogs, etc to connect with other CFers. When you're going through something, and you feel like no one else understands, what do you want to do? You want to talk to someone who's going through the same thing as you; you don't want to feel like you're completely alone in all of this and that's what Facebook, CysticLife, CFLiving, blogging, and forums have been able to do for me and many, many other cysters, fibros and parents of CFers. Although this is discouraging, we can't let it define us! We have to keep our relationships strong exactly how we've been doing it. It's so important now to spread the word about these amazing websites and forums for CFers to connect. 

Anyone want to buy me a webcam so I can keep in touch (and see) my cysters & fibros since I'm not allowed to see them unless we're yelling, outdoors, six feet away?! ;-)

Ahhhh!!!

That's how I'm feeling right now!!! Nervous. Excited. Anxious. Overwhelmed. Excited. Little bit more nervous. 

I cannot believe how fast this past week and a half has gone by! A huge thank you to everyone that helped us in our moving process. It was quite stressful for me the morning of the move because we literally had to pack everyone's vehicles full to fit everything (and we still didn't get everything), but we made it and that's all that matters. We've been in our house for almost a week now and we're slowly settling in. Up until this afternoon, our refrigerator and stove were in our living room....Tim was laying tile floors in the kitchen, so now we have our appliances where they belong so we were able to unpack the rest of the kitchen boxes this evening. :-) Clutter, mess, and disorganization make me very uneasy/crabby, so I'm feeling much more relaxed now that more things are organized. Garbage day is also tomorrow, so we were able to put lots of stuff on the curb = less clutter in the house!

Besides unpacking and settling into our house, I've also spent a ton of time in my classroom this week! I've met a few of the other teachers and actually got to be on the interview committee to find me an assistant. It was interesting being on the other side of that process, especially since I was just on the opposite side a couple months ago! I've done a lot of work in my room this week and it's finally starting to look like a classroom! I still have several things to do (organize my class library, finish bulletin boards, laminating...) so I'll be trying to manage my time wisely over the next week. Monday-Wednesday I have all day New Teacher Orientation meetings, Thursday is a teacher work day and our Open House (get to meet the kinders and their parents, and the students drop off their supplies) and Friday is a district-wide Rally and then a teacher work day....then the following Monday is the first day of school! Yikes! It's coming up quick. Here a few of the latest pictures of my classroom - I've completely rearranged and added some color to the room by getting some of my bulletin boards done:

Tim playing in the books/puzzles/games area :-)

The view from my desk/group table. I put the rug in the front of
the classroom instead of along side where I originally thought I
wanted it. I really like it this way!

Word Wall - this is where we'll be posting all of the words
we're learning to read this year

The side board where the calendar/schedule will be posted.
Here's a view of a couple of the bulletin boards I've done so far.

As I mentioned, I still have a lot to do but it's a huge difference from when I first saw the room. And with all of this going on, I haven't missed a treatment. :-) They've been getting done much later in the evening than typical for me, but that's just because I don't have a routine yet. On the other hand, I haven't gone running at all. I'm just constantly on the move between my classroom set-up and unpacking at home, I honestly don't even feel like going. I might try to get out there tomorrow and take advantage of the break in the heat....but don't hold me to it. My parents are also coming to visit this weekend, so I doubt I'll go then. I really hope that once school starts and I'm in more of a routine that I can get back out there. That's about all for now. Gotta get my rest for House Calls tomorrow -- showing up at new families' houses welcoming them to our school...should be interesting. :-)