How's Mama?

I can't believe it's been seven weeks since I've had Calvin! It still amazes me how slow time seems to go at the end of a pregnancy - anxiously anticipating the arrival of your child - and how fast time seems to go when they're actually here. It's also amazing how much I forgot about how much labor and delivery takes a toll on my body.

After having Anna, I think I was in this blissful fog, so excited to finally have my baby, that I blocked out any memories of recovery. This time around, it felt all new. Everything about Calvin's labor and delivery was so different from Anna's. The labor was longer and more intense, but the actual delivery was painless and very fast.

I'm not quite sure why, but I expected myself to bounce back so quickly after having Calvin. Maybe it was because I felt great after having him, I wasn't in a lot of pain at all. Just four days after giving birth (pushing a 7+ pound baby out of my body), I thought it would be totally normal to go with Tim to take him to the doctor, take Anna to school, and run a couple errands. The next day, I felt like I got hit by a truck (and my bleeding picked up a bit)! I pushed myself way too much and had to remind myself to slow down and take it easy. Sometimes that was easier said than done, but I tried. It was hard for me to feel like I was accomplishing anything - the dishes were piling up, I had laundry out the wazoo, and the house was a mess. I didn't like that I wasn't really able to do too much without feeling it, but I reminded myself that it was my job to recover and care for my newborn baby. Calvin and I spent a lot of time in our PJs on the couch. Forensic Files during the day, and the Olympics overnight, became the background noise of the first several weeks of my maternity leave. In order to really help take it easy, about 2-3 weeks after he was born, we decided to send Anna back to the babysitter in the morning. This took some stress off of me - I didn't have to worry about fighting her for a nap, I didn't have to bring the baby out in public to take her to school every day, and I didn't have to try to get us out of the house on time - except to pick her up from school where we just stayed in the car anyway.

After about 3-4 weeks, I started feeling back to myself. My bleeding slowed down a lot, Calvin was nursing really well, my milk supply regulated (it came in A LOT and I had to pump several times the first week or two to feel comfortable) and I was enjoying my time at home with him.

Health-wise, I've been feeling pretty good. I slacked on my treatments over the first week or two, but once I got my Cayston round in the mail, that pushed me to get my treatments in daily. The Cayston really helped move a lot of mucus out of my lungs, that I'm guessing, was trapped/compressed from baby taking up my whole body while pregnant. I just had my first CF clinic visit since having Calvin and I had a pretty good visit (aside from the added three hours in the city due to a flat tire). My lung function was around 80% which is a little lower than I would like it to be, I'm typically 85-88%, but I shouldn't be surprised because I haven't been 100% with my treatments over the last few months. I'm hoping that returning to work and getting back into a routine will help with that. I'm also really hoping that I can start some sort of exercise this spring/summer to help boost my lung function even more...and work on my beautiful squishy tummy that's decided to stick around for a while. I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but just a little wider and squishier this time around.

I've also been back to my MFM team and won't go back unless we plan to have more kids. Everything checked out well with them, so there wasn't really much to discuss. It was pretty cool though, on my way to the appointment, in the lobby, we ran into Jim, the embryologist! He was one of the doctors who helped along our IVF journey to get pregnant with Calvin. He took care of our embryos and called me with updates before the transfer. He was the one that 'picked' Calvin to implant back in May. It was really great running into him. He remembered me, gave me a huge hug and was so excited to see both Anna and Calvin. What a perfect way to wrap up this little journey by running into one of the men that helped make it all happen. :-)

Now I plan to soak up the remaining days of maternity leave with my baby boy. I'll be returning to work on April 9th. Calvin will be a day over two months old then. Luckily though, once I return, I'll only have 7-8 weeks of the school year left before summer break, so I'm looking forward to that. I'm hoping it'll fly by quickly.

Two Months Later

Right now I'm feeling How has it seriously been two months already? combined with Man, this really sucks!

This last month has honestly been harder than I expected, as I posted last week. I've had a lot of moments when I've wondered how far along I'd be with the boys (I rarely bring myself to count it out because that just makes it worse) and how huge I'd be (I can only imagine how bad I'd be waddling now, haha!). I think it's just slowly setting in more that we lost two of our children.

Then I think to myself - when the question comes up of "how many kids do you have?", what am I supposed to say?! If I say 'one', then I feel bad that I'm not counting them as my children because they are/were....but if I say 'three', then comes the explanation and people get awkward and don't know what to say....it's just tough.

That's one thing I've learned this last month especially, please don't feel awkward about my babies! I am so happy to have been able to carry, then see and hold my baby boys, even if it was just for a short time. I love that we were able to see their faces, although it makes me sad that I don't have a picture of them. They are our children and I like to talk about them sometimes. Its OKAY to talk about them and the pregnancy! Please, don't act like they never existed, because they sure were loved by a lot of people! Sure, talking about them sometimes might make me sad, but I've learned that it's okay to feel sad sometimes; I just can't let the sadness consume me -- which I think I've done pretty good about most days. I think about those little guys every single day, and I can't imagine that's going to change, ever. They'll always be our little Butter & Jelly. <3 p="">

Current Struggles

I know this blog has focused on our miscarriage a lot lately, but that's just our life right now. Some days are worse than others - some moments are worse than others. These are some things I've been struggling with lately, that maybe I didn't expect to, or have been affecting more than I thought they would:

Last week I attended a PLC (professional learning community) for school about the effects of childhood trauma on the brain. This is something we've been discussing and learning about as a school and district a lot this year to be better supporters in the classroom. Anyway, the presenter was talking about how much the brain develops so much even as a fetus, before a baby is born. She was saying how things like stress in the mother and/or her smoking/drinking while pregnant has a negative effect on the baby's brain and development that could impact them for the rest of their life. It just made me think about how I tried to provide the best prenatal care that I could for my boys, but I still lost them and how that's not fair! How come the mom that drinks and smokes during her pregnancy can have her baby, but I didn't get to have my two boys...after six months of fertility treatments!
I know that life isn't fair. And I know that's just how the world is, but it just sucked a little bit extra that day, in that moment. It's things like this that pop up every now and then, that makes me think of what could/should have been and makes this whole experience hard.

Another thing that's been bothering me lately is that our boys don't have names. When we were in the hospital, after they were born, several of the nurses/staff asked us if we had names picked out, and we didn't. We thought we had another 3-4 months to pick out their names, so we hadn't really settled on anything - we hadn't even had a ton of ideas yet. Sitting in the hospital, trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I just gave birth to my babies half way through my pregnancy, and that they were dead......the idea of naming them just didn't feel right. We didn't have names picked out. How could I sit and name them when I didn't even get a chance to know them?!
But now, I want to. I have thought about their little faces every single day for the last seven weeks. I have put different names to their faces in my head and I want them to have names. I want them to have identities, even though they'll never grow up in our family - they're still my babies. They're still our sons. I don't know how to go about it, and obviously that's only something Tim and I can decide, but that's what's on my mind recently.

Pregnancy. That's what's on my mind a lot! I, honestly, cannot wait to get pregnant again. And it's not to replace the babies we've lost, but to grow our family the way we've always wanted to. I've written an entire separate blog post about this topic, that I'll share at a later date (no, I'm not pregnant), but it is absolutely something that is on my mind all the time.

Announcements of pregnancy & newborns. It seems like my entire Facebook feed has been filled with positive pregnancy tests, announcements, bump pictures, birth announcements and monthly photos of adorable little newborn babies! And maybe it's because I'm just a little extra sensitive right now, but I just can't handle it!

"I'm supposed to be posting the bump pictures. 
Today is Wednesday, that was the day we took the pictures.
I wonder how giant my belly would be today?
How far along would I be now?
We're supposed to have three kids.
Are they scared to share their news in case something happens? 
Why did my boys get taken away?
I wonder what they would have looked like."


Dreams. I've been having a lot of dreams recently about having babies, being pregnant, etc. One night I had a dream where we had a 4-5 month old son and while I was playing with him & feeding him, I couldn't remember his name or if he had a name. Then he was in an exersaucer, leaned forward, fell out and bumped his head. When I picked him up, he started getting smaller and eventually looked like Baby A. So I started nursing him, and he was back to his normal size and was totally fine. (WEIRD!)
Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant again, with one baby. I couldn't bring myself to find out the gender, I wanted to be surprised. But then someone looked at the screen during the ultrasound and said, "wow, yes, I can tell", and immediately I knew we were having a boy. I got so excited because we would be able to use the clothes that we bought, and still have, for the twins.

I'm guessing this is just the way my mind is working through not having our sons, but my heart still wanting them. I will always wonder how our life would have been different. I am not posting these things to make people feel bad for me. I'm not looking for your opinions on baby names or when would be the best time for us to try to expand our family again. I'm using this as a form of processing for me, and sharing my experience with others so that they can learn from or have someone to connect with if they've gone through something similar. This is real life for me. I don't ever want to forget the two little boys that were supposed to join our family this summer, and this is the way I'm choosing to grieve and process.

One Month Later

Yesterday marked one month exactly since I miscarried our twin boys at 19+4 weeks. I'd have to say that Tim and I have been doing pretty well all things considering. Anna has been a fantastic distraction, and I don't know what/how I'd be doing without her!

Every day is different. Some moments I feel like I was never even pregnant because it was here and gone so fast. Sometimes I so look forward to the day I'm pregnant again. Other days seeing pregnant women makes me angry and jealous. I think a lot about the future, mostly about this summer. I was supposed to have three kids, not just one. The way I thought my summer was going to go is completely different. I try to think about the positives - I get to spend so much more time with Anna than I expected, especially before she starts preschool - but it still makes me sad because we were supposed to be expanding our family this summer and that's not going to happen.

I spent a lot of time last night allowing myself to remember our boys. I think about them often, especially with the perfect necklace I wear from our friends Kristen & Ryan. It's the perfect little reminder of my guys every day. I often think about them quickly and either get distracted by life/work/family, or find a distraction as not to dwell on the sadness of everything. But last night, I allowed myself a couple hours to really think about them and how much our lives have changed. I read posts and stories of other moms who have gone through similar situations. I decided to join a couple local SHARE groups to connect with other women. I shared the story of our boys and allowed myself to be sad for a while.

I keep coming back to a post I read the other day on a blog called "Scary Mommy". It discusses how women tend to have to grieve on their own when they experience and earlier miscarriage and how society doesn't know how to handle or talk about miscarriage even with it being so common. Now, obviously we are not grieving alone and this did not happen early for us, but there were several lines in her post that connected with me:

"You didn’t stay very long, but it doesn’t take long to become part of a family. And for the short time you were with us, you made us a family of four. You made us so, so happy."

"I am sorry you didn’t get to stay longer. I am sorry my body betrayed you. I am sorry that you did not get to grow. I grieve for the future that I had planned for you in that short amount of time. But I am so glad that I knew you, even for the briefest of times. And I will never forget you, little one, not ever."

"... there is no line graph where the love you feel for life inside you increases with the number of weeks it gestates. Pregnant is pregnant. Loss is loss.

Miscarriage isn’t just a loss we feel emotionally. It happens to our bodies, inside of us. We experience it physically. "

"While I have physically and emotionally healed from my miscarriage, I will always remember the life that could have been. I will never forget his due date nor the future I had imagined."

I will always think about what could have been, but I will not dwell on it. As time goes on, I will never, ever forget our two little boys. But our family will become stronger from this and we will move on to be better versions of ourselves.

Second Week - Recovery

Another week down, yet it feels like it's been forever. This week has been a bit easier, but I still think about both boys all the time. I've been playing a lot of "what-if" scenarios in my head this week: What if I knew my water broke? What if I didn't go to my CF appointment? What if I had gone in to be checked just one more time?... I don't like thinking this way because I know that there was absolutely no way to change the outcome of what happened, but sometimes I just can't help but think about it. I think these thoughts will always be in the back of my mind, and I'm looking forward to the days when they don't pop up frequently.

On a brighter note, going back to work felt so good - way better than I expected. In my last post I talked about how I was nervous about how the kids would react, or if things would be weird. Nothing weird or awkward! The kids were just so excited to have me back, I honestly bet half of them forgot why I was even gone. I did get several hugs from kids (and a few from adults) and felt so welcomed back! Everyone was extremely positive and sweet. Thursday, it felt so good to be teaching again. I remember thinking during a lesson, "This is where I'm supposed to be. This is what I'm supposed to be doing." Friday, I got to work and was full of energy. I cleaned and organized my room, rearranged desks, entered grades, sorted papers....all while I was supposed to be at a meeting - oops! Oh well, no biggie. :)

It was nice having a three day weekend, with gorgeous weather, to spend time with friends and my little family. Tim, Anna and I were able to enjoy lots of time outside this weekend which was so fun. It's tricky because I'm glad that I was able to go for a long walk with them this weekend, but it also made me a little sad because I'm not huge, pregnant and waddling like I expected to be. There are little moments like these that pop up day to day where I think to myself, "I wouldn't be able to do this if I was still pregnant." Sometimes I feel like I was never pregnant, but it's times like these where I remember that I absolutely was and those little guys were a part of our life, even for that short amount of time.

I try really hard not to dwell on the what-ifs and that "this would be different if I was still pregnant" moments because I cannot do anything to change what has happened. I don't want to surround myself with negativity and stress - that's not going to help this healing process AT ALL. I feel that both Tim and I have been dealing with everything and beginning to healing really well. We've had some wonderful talks, we've been really positive about everything and it's been great having him throughout all of this over the last couple weeks. I had no idea what to expect or how I'd handle this whole situation two weeks ago, but I really do feel that we've both come a long way and I'm proud of how we're handling everything. I'm sure there will be many tough moments ahead (their due date, this summer, milestones, holidays, etc), but I know that we are strong together and we can make it through. :)

Recovery

Tomorrow I return to work and I'm full of mixed emotions. I'm looking forward to getting back to "normal" as much as I can. I crave routine and I love my job. I miss my kids, but I'm honestly nervous about seeing them for the first time. I'm worried that they're going to have questions that I can't answer, or may bring up emotions that I don't want to face in front of them. It's also going to be hard seeing all of my co-workers again. I'm sure there will be lots of hugs and probably even a few tears, but I'm going to try to be strong for my boys tomorrow and Friday. I chose to go back towards the end of the week so that I can ease myself back into the working world. I'll be working two days this week, then we have a 3 day weekend, and only a 3.5 day work week next week. I think slowly getting back into full time will help my mind and body adjust to working again.

I wanted to use this post to kind of re-cap the last ten days and what my recovery was like, physically and emotionally. To be honest, there are times when it felt like I was never even pregnant because it was ripped away so quickly. Then that makes me sad because I don't ever want to forget our little guys. Then there are times when I think about how far along I would be today and wonder what I would look like, if I would feel them squirming yet, etc.

Sunday - the day of: physically, I really did feel fine on Sunday in the hospital. Baby B was born around 3-3:30am, and for the next 5+ hours my body was forced into labor to deliver their placentas that didn't come out on their own. This process was honestly the worst of it all. I was cramping and in pain for over five hours, constantly pushing to try to get them out. Once they finally came out around 8:30-9, it was the biggest feeling of relief, physically. I don't think I even processed losing the boys because I was so worried about getting the placentas out without losing too much blood or screwing up my reproductive system (neither happened - everything went very well).
The rest of the day, Tim and I had to process what had just happened, and notify our family and friends. Physically, my body felt fine. I wasn't in pain, the cramping subsided and eventually stopped pretty quickly, and I really wasn't even fatigued. Emotionally, I was numb. I don't think I really realized what happened until a few days later. It was sad and really tough to call our family and friends to tell them what happened, but I don't think I really understood it. Tim and I were able to talk through a lot of it, but I wonder how much we really grasped it then.
Sunday evening, I was discharged from the hospital around 6pm. I declined a script for pain medication from the doctor because I was feeling fine in the hospital. We stopped by Walgreens to pick up some Motrin for me in case I had any physical pain when I got home. Once we got settled at home, I noticed that I was struggling to take a deep breath without having pain. I assumed it was from missing a few treatments since being in the hospital, so I forced myself to do a treatment before crashing in my bed. Unfortunately, the albuterol did not feel as good as I expected, and the pain didn't really go away. I was way too tired to even think about it, so I curled up in my bed and passed out for the night. (I hadn't slept since 1:30am, Sunday morning)

Monday - I woke up in pain! My body hurt! And it wasn't my uterus area, either, which surprised me the most. It hurt to breathe, bend, move in certain directions, swallow food/water, etc. The area all around my rib cage, front and back was so sore! I felt like a little old lady. It hurt to stand up straight and take a deep breath, so I was hobbling around the house, breathing very quick, shallow breaths. I tried not to move too much. I realized that I was so sore from bearing down and pushing for five hours! I took Motrin every four hours, but it didn't give me much relief. Anna's sleep schedule was thrown off too, so all three of us did a lot of laying around together this day.

Tuesday - I decided I needed something stronger for this pain! I called the OB who was on-call at the hospital and asked for a script for something. She ended up prescribing me Norco and 600mg of Ibuprofen. We drove to the OB's office to pick up the script for Norco and had to bring it to a Walgreens to get filled - which took an hour because they were so busy!
We also stopped at the funeral home on this day. I thought we were going to pick up our babies, but we just met with one of the employees (my co-teacher's dad, he was amazing!) to discuss how cremation would go and what to expect.
Then, later that afternoon, Anna had her 2.5 year check-up. With all the chaos going on, I thought about rescheduling, but I also thought it would be a good distraction and a nice focus on our little girl. Tim wasn't feeling the best & was also on Benadryl, so I took Anna to her appointment. She was SUCH a big girl! She was able to use the big kid scale for the first time, and they measured her height against the wall for the first time, too. She also allowed the doctor to look at her and listen to her without having to sit on my lap! From her appointment at two years old, Anna gained over two pounds and grew 1.5 inches! The doctor and I were both very pleased with her growth, and I was so proud of how well she did at her appointment. :)
The rest of the day, I took it easy - that was the most I had to do since Sunday, and I was exhausted. I took the Norco as prescribed, but I felt it didn't make a huge difference in my pain level.

Wednesday - Tim went back to work on this day, which made me a little sad, but I know that he's the type of person that needs to keep busy. Thankfully my friend Catie had the day off already due to babysitter issues, so she and her adorable daughter, Lila, came down to hang out with Anna and I. Catie was a huge help! Her and I have been best friends for over ten years and she just gets me. She helped me with things around the house, helped with both girls while we went into school so I could get my midterms done, and even ran to the grocery store for us! It was wonderful being able to spend the day with her, and Anna loved having Lila to play with.
Physically, I was starting to feel better, I was able to breathe a bit better, but still tried to move slow and take it easy. One new symptom I noticed was that my boobs were starting to hurt in the morning, and by afternoon, my milk was coming in. This was not something I even thought about since having the boys, so it really threw me for a loop! It made me sad that my body thought I had the babies home with me and was preparing to feed them. I knew there wasn't much I could do, but figured I'd ask at my doctor appointment the following day.

Thursday - This was definitely my most emotional day. I woke up really sad. I don't know if it was because my physical pain was finally gone, so now I could start processing the emotional pain of it all; or if it was because I had my appointment with MFM and I knew it was going to be so hard to see the team again.
Thankfully my friend Kristin went with me to my appointment. I asked her a couple days in advance because I wasn't sure what I'd feel like being on the Norco and if I should drive. I also wasn't sure if emotionally I'd be able to drive after my appointment, so I was happy when she told me she'd take me. She picked me up early and we hit up the mall for a little bit before the appointment, which was a nice little distraction.
When we got to MFM, they called me back pretty quickly and as soon as the first nurse came in, I lost it. She looked so sad to see me, immediately gave me a hug and we cried together. Once I settled down, I told her the story of how everything happened Sunday and we talked it through. She told me how sad everyone was to hear about it and how they all cried together for me. It was nice to be able to talk to her though. And when she left, the nurse practitioner came in and it was the same thing all over. We hugged, we cried, I talked (a lot) and we had a great conversation. She was able to answer any questions I had, gave me a couple tips on how to help dry my milk, and was extremely comforting. She reassured me that there really was nothing that anyone could have done differently and that unfortunately things like this just happen and there's no way to stop them. After talking to the both of them, I felt better and was able to leave feeling pretty good. Kristin and I got some lunch together and I was so drained when I got home that I took a nap!
I remember thinking on this day, "Oh my goodness, how is it Thursday already?!" Then I realized how quickly Monday was coming up and how I was definitely not ready to go back to work yet. After talking with the nurses and Kristin about how I was feeling, I decided that Monday was not the day I'd go back to work. I decided to take a few more days the next week and make my first week back nice and short. That's when I texted my principal that I'd be coming back in one week, the following Thursday.

Friday - I really don't remember much of what we did on Friday. Anna spent the day with Grandma on Thursday since I had my appointment, but I chose to have her home with me on Friday since it was really my first day home alone without visitors or anything. I know that was the first day I took Benadryl to help dry up my milk, and ended up taking a long nap on the couch. Thankfully Anna also took a long nap in her room, so we were both able to catch up on our sleep.

Saturday - We chose to spend the day with Tim's mom, sister, our nephews and then Tim's Grandma. It was nice to spend time with family and to watch Anna, Cole and Liam play together for a while. They're so funny together and act like siblings, so it's always entertaining.

Sunday - We had a lazy day around the house and it was wonderful! I think we ran some errands, but my days are blurring together, so I honestly don't remember. I know that physically, at this point, I was starting to feel so much more normal. I did have a bit of cramping over the weekend, but that's to be expected. Thankfully it only lasted a day or two and hasn't stuck around.

Monday, Tuesday, & Wednesday - This week has flown by! Over the weekend, I remember thinking to myself that I had no idea what I was going to do this week, but I cannot believe how quickly it's gone by. Anna and I have been able to spend a lot of time together and it's been so nice! We've cuddled a lot, read books, played, painted, went to the museum, to the park and ran some errands. It was wonderful being able to soak up her extra cuddles and spend this time with her before having to return to work.
Each day I slowly felt more normal, both physically and emotionally. My body is getting back to the way it was prior to my pregnancy little by little. My milk is definitely drying up - thanks Benadryl - and I'm no longer in any physical pain from all of this. Emotionally, I'm okay. I am able to laugh with my family and friends, look forward to seeing people and doing things and I don't feel like I'm stuck in a rut. It feels like so long ago that I was pregnant, and sometimes feels like all of this was just a terrible dream. I still have several flashbacks, daily, about holding my baby boys and being in the hospital. I know, with time, that will get better.

And now, here we are - Wednesday night. I'm up later than I wanted to be, but that's not surprising. I'm feeling nervous about returning to work tomorrow because I really don't know how the kids are going to react. I feel bad that I've had to put them through something like this at such a young age.
I can deal with adults, and I'm looking forward to laughing with everyone again, but it's the kids I'm just not sure about. I really hope they allow us to go about our day as normal as possible. I'm worried about crying in front of them. I'm worried that they'll ask me questions that I can't answer. It's just a lot of unknowns which I never like...
Here's to a good night's sleep and cooperative little children tomorrow! :-)