Monday, February 20, 2017

Second Week - Recovery

Another week down, yet it feels like it's been forever. This week has been a bit easier, but I still think about both boys all the time. I've been playing a lot of "what-if" scenarios in my head this week: What if I knew my water broke? What if I didn't go to my CF appointment? What if I had gone in to be checked just one more time?... I don't like thinking this way because I know that there was absolutely no way to change the outcome of what happened, but sometimes I just can't help but think about it. I think these thoughts will always be in the back of my mind, and I'm looking forward to the days when they don't pop up frequently.

On a brighter note, going back to work felt so good - way better than I expected. In my last post I talked about how I was nervous about how the kids would react, or if things would be weird. Nothing weird or awkward! The kids were just so excited to have me back, I honestly bet half of them forgot why I was even gone. I did get several hugs from kids (and a few from adults) and felt so welcomed back! Everyone was extremely positive and sweet. Thursday, it felt so good to be teaching again. I remember thinking during a lesson, "This is where I'm supposed to be. This is what I'm supposed to be doing." Friday, I got to work and was full of energy. I cleaned and organized my room, rearranged desks, entered grades, sorted papers....all while I was supposed to be at a meeting - oops! Oh well, no biggie. :)

It was nice having a three day weekend, with gorgeous weather, to spend time with friends and my little family. Tim, Anna and I were able to enjoy lots of time outside this weekend which was so fun. It's tricky because I'm glad that I was able to go for a long walk with them this weekend, but it also made me a little sad because I'm not huge, pregnant and waddling like I expected to be. There are little moments like these that pop up day to day where I think to myself, "I wouldn't be able to do this if I was still pregnant." Sometimes I feel like I was never pregnant, but it's times like these where I remember that I absolutely was and those little guys were a part of our life, even for that short amount of time.

I try really hard not to dwell on the what-ifs and that "this would be different if I was still pregnant" moments because I cannot do anything to change what has happened. I don't want to surround myself with negativity and stress - that's not going to help this healing process AT ALL. I feel that both Tim and I have been dealing with everything and beginning to healing really well. We've had some wonderful talks, we've been really positive about everything and it's been great having him throughout all of this over the last couple weeks. I had no idea what to expect or how I'd handle this whole situation two weeks ago, but I really do feel that we've both come a long way and I'm proud of how we're handling everything. I'm sure there will be many tough moments ahead (their due date, this summer, milestones, holidays, etc), but I know that we are strong together and we can make it through. :)

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Recovery

Tomorrow I return to work and I'm full of mixed emotions. I'm looking forward to getting back to "normal" as much as I can. I crave routine and I love my job. I miss my kids, but I'm honestly nervous about seeing them for the first time. I'm worried that they're going to have questions that I can't answer, or may bring up emotions that I don't want to face in front of them. It's also going to be hard seeing all of my co-workers again. I'm sure there will be lots of hugs and probably even a few tears, but I'm going to try to be strong for my boys tomorrow and Friday. I chose to go back towards the end of the week so that I can ease myself back into the working world. I'll be working two days this week, then we have a 3 day weekend, and only a 3.5 day work week next week. I think slowly getting back into full time will help my mind and body adjust to working again.

I wanted to use this post to kind of re-cap the last ten days and what my recovery was like, physically and emotionally. To be honest, there are times when it felt like I was never even pregnant because it was ripped away so quickly. Then that makes me sad because I don't ever want to forget our little guys. Then there are times when I think about how far along I would be today and wonder what I would look like, if I would feel them squirming yet, etc.

Sunday - the day of: physically, I really did feel fine on Sunday in the hospital. Baby B was born around 3-3:30am, and for the next 5+ hours my body was forced into labor to deliver their placentas that didn't come out on their own. This process was honestly the worst of it all. I was cramping and in pain for over five hours, constantly pushing to try to get them out. Once they finally came out around 8:30-9, it was the biggest feeling of relief, physically. I don't think I even processed losing the boys because I was so worried about getting the placentas out without losing too much blood or screwing up my reproductive system (neither happened - everything went very well).
The rest of the day, Tim and I had to process what had just happened, and notify our family and friends. Physically, my body felt fine. I wasn't in pain, the cramping subsided and eventually stopped pretty quickly, and I really wasn't even fatigued. Emotionally, I was numb. I don't think I really realized what happened until a few days later. It was sad and really tough to call our family and friends to tell them what happened, but I don't think I really understood it. Tim and I were able to talk through a lot of it, but I wonder how much we really grasped it then.
Sunday evening, I was discharged from the hospital around 6pm. I declined a script for pain medication from the doctor because I was feeling fine in the hospital. We stopped by Walgreens to pick up some Motrin for me in case I had any physical pain when I got home. Once we got settled at home, I noticed that I was struggling to take a deep breath without having pain. I assumed it was from missing a few treatments since being in the hospital, so I forced myself to do a treatment before crashing in my bed. Unfortunately, the albuterol did not feel as good as I expected, and the pain didn't really go away. I was way too tired to even think about it, so I curled up in my bed and passed out for the night. (I hadn't slept since 1:30am, Sunday morning)

Monday - I woke up in pain! My body hurt! And it wasn't my uterus area, either, which surprised me the most. It hurt to breathe, bend, move in certain directions, swallow food/water, etc. The area all around my rib cage, front and back was so sore! I felt like a little old lady. It hurt to stand up straight and take a deep breath, so I was hobbling around the house, breathing very quick, shallow breaths. I tried not to move too much. I realized that I was so sore from bearing down and pushing for five hours! I took Motrin every four hours, but it didn't give me much relief. Anna's sleep schedule was thrown off too, so all three of us did a lot of laying around together this day.

Tuesday - I decided I needed something stronger for this pain! I called the OB who was on-call at the hospital and asked for a script for something. She ended up prescribing me Norco and 600mg of Ibuprofen. We drove to the OB's office to pick up the script for Norco and had to bring it to a Walgreens to get filled - which took an hour because they were so busy!
We also stopped at the funeral home on this day. I thought we were going to pick up our babies, but we just met with one of the employees (my co-teacher's dad, he was amazing!) to discuss how cremation would go and what to expect.
Then, later that afternoon, Anna had her 2.5 year check-up. With all the chaos going on, I thought about rescheduling, but I also thought it would be a good distraction and a nice focus on our little girl. Tim wasn't feeling the best & was also on Benadryl, so I took Anna to her appointment. She was SUCH a big girl! She was able to use the big kid scale for the first time, and they measured her height against the wall for the first time, too. She also allowed the doctor to look at her and listen to her without having to sit on my lap! From her appointment at two years old, Anna gained over two pounds and grew 1.5 inches! The doctor and I were both very pleased with her growth, and I was so proud of how well she did at her appointment. :)
The rest of the day, I took it easy - that was the most I had to do since Sunday, and I was exhausted. I took the Norco as prescribed, but I felt it didn't make a huge difference in my pain level.

Wednesday - Tim went back to work on this day, which made me a little sad, but I know that he's the type of person that needs to keep busy. Thankfully my friend Catie had the day off already due to babysitter issues, so she and her adorable daughter, Lila, came down to hang out with Anna and I. Catie was a huge help! Her and I have been best friends for over ten years and she just gets me. She helped me with things around the house, helped with both girls while we went into school so I could get my midterms done, and even ran to the grocery store for us! It was wonderful being able to spend the day with her, and Anna loved having Lila to play with.
Physically, I was starting to feel better, I was able to breathe a bit better, but still tried to move slow and take it easy. One new symptom I noticed was that my boobs were starting to hurt in the morning, and by afternoon, my milk was coming in. This was not something I even thought about since having the boys, so it really threw me for a loop! It made me sad that my body thought I had the babies home with me and was preparing to feed them. I knew there wasn't much I could do, but figured I'd ask at my doctor appointment the following day.

Thursday - This was definitely my most emotional day. I woke up really sad. I don't know if it was because my physical pain was finally gone, so now I could start processing the emotional pain of it all; or if it was because I had my appointment with MFM and I knew it was going to be so hard to see the team again.
Thankfully my friend Kristin went with me to my appointment. I asked her a couple days in advance because I wasn't sure what I'd feel like being on the Norco and if I should drive. I also wasn't sure if emotionally I'd be able to drive after my appointment, so I was happy when she told me she'd take me. She picked me up early and we hit up the mall for a little bit before the appointment, which was a nice little distraction.
When we got to MFM, they called me back pretty quickly and as soon as the first nurse came in, I lost it. She looked so sad to see me, immediately gave me a hug and we cried together. Once I settled down, I told her the story of how everything happened Sunday and we talked it through. She told me how sad everyone was to hear about it and how they all cried together for me. It was nice to be able to talk to her though. And when she left, the nurse practitioner came in and it was the same thing all over. We hugged, we cried, I talked (a lot) and we had a great conversation. She was able to answer any questions I had, gave me a couple tips on how to help dry my milk, and was extremely comforting. She reassured me that there really was nothing that anyone could have done differently and that unfortunately things like this just happen and there's no way to stop them. After talking to the both of them, I felt better and was able to leave feeling pretty good. Kristin and I got some lunch together and I was so drained when I got home that I took a nap!
I remember thinking on this day, "Oh my goodness, how is it Thursday already?!" Then I realized how quickly Monday was coming up and how I was definitely not ready to go back to work yet. After talking with the nurses and Kristin about how I was feeling, I decided that Monday was not the day I'd go back to work. I decided to take a few more days the next week and make my first week back nice and short. That's when I texted my principal that I'd be coming back in one week, the following Thursday.

Friday - I really don't remember much of what we did on Friday. Anna spent the day with Grandma on Thursday since I had my appointment, but I chose to have her home with me on Friday since it was really my first day home alone without visitors or anything. I know that was the first day I took Benadryl to help dry up my milk, and ended up taking a long nap on the couch. Thankfully Anna also took a long nap in her room, so we were both able to catch up on our sleep.

Saturday - We chose to spend the day with Tim's mom, sister, our nephews and then Tim's Grandma. It was nice to spend time with family and to watch Anna, Cole and Liam play together for a while. They're so funny together and act like siblings, so it's always entertaining.

Sunday - We had a lazy day around the house and it was wonderful! I think we ran some errands, but my days are blurring together, so I honestly don't remember. I know that physically, at this point, I was starting to feel so much more normal. I did have a bit of cramping over the weekend, but that's to be expected. Thankfully it only lasted a day or two and hasn't stuck around.

Monday, Tuesday, & Wednesday - This week has flown by! Over the weekend, I remember thinking to myself that I had no idea what I was going to do this week, but I cannot believe how quickly it's gone by. Anna and I have been able to spend a lot of time together and it's been so nice! We've cuddled a lot, read books, played, painted, went to the museum, to the park and ran some errands. It was wonderful being able to soak up her extra cuddles and spend this time with her before having to return to work.
Each day I slowly felt more normal, both physically and emotionally. My body is getting back to the way it was prior to my pregnancy little by little. My milk is definitely drying up - thanks Benadryl - and I'm no longer in any physical pain from all of this. Emotionally, I'm okay. I am able to laugh with my family and friends, look forward to seeing people and doing things and I don't feel like I'm stuck in a rut. It feels like so long ago that I was pregnant, and sometimes feels like all of this was just a terrible dream. I still have several flashbacks, daily, about holding my baby boys and being in the hospital. I know, with time, that will get better.

And now, here we are - Wednesday night. I'm up later than I wanted to be, but that's not surprising. I'm feeling nervous about returning to work tomorrow because I really don't know how the kids are going to react. I feel bad that I've had to put them through something like this at such a young age.
I can deal with adults, and I'm looking forward to laughing with everyone again, but it's the kids I'm just not sure about. I really hope they allow us to go about our day as normal as possible. I'm worried about crying in front of them. I'm worried that they'll ask me questions that I can't answer. It's just a lot of unknowns which I never like...
Here's to a good night's sleep and cooperative little children tomorrow! :-)

Saturday, February 11, 2017

One Week Later - Emotions

Wow, as we come up on a week already since losing the boys, I am overwhelmed with many emotions.

Of course I'm sad that all of this happened. It hurts that we won't see our little guys grow up together with their sister. I'm still confused as to why this happened - something we will never, ever have the answer to. I'm disappointed that after going through months and months of fertility treatments to even get pregnant, we had to say good-bye to our little boys before they were ready to be born. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted from the actual event of it all, and replaying it in my mind over and over...

But despite all of these "expected" emotions, I've also been overwhelmed with love. The love that I have for my husband and daughter has been my strength to get me through this. The way he has supported me over this week makes me so proud and so lucky to be his wife. We've both been so happy to have Anna as our little ray of sunshine to keep us happy and laughing during the difficult/emotional moments.

But what's more, is that I cannot believe how lucky we are to have such amazing people in our lives! The amount of love that has come our way over this last week has been absolutely amazing and I cannot even begin to put into words (even though I'm going to try) how thankful we are to each and every person that reached out to us.

When such a tragedy happens to a loved one, as an outsider, you don't know what to do or say that's going to make those people feel better. You don't want to say too much, or not enough, and you really don't know what you're supposed to do.
But when the tragedy happens to you, I've realized that it doesn't matter what people say or how much they say - what matters is that they are there and that you know they love you. I didn't know what I wanted people to say to me after all of this -- what could they really say that was going to make me feel better?! What helped was knowing that people cared, no matter how they showed it. Our family and friends have been amazing over this last week. The outpouring of love towards our family has been unbelievable and truly, greatly appreciated. We seriously have the best family supporting us through this situation.

And a special shout-out to my work family! Holy cow, you guys! I've worked in this building for five years, and have seen our staff come together and support each other and our families many, many times. But to be on the receiving end of that support....it's unimaginable. To see that the people you work along side every day (and some you just see in passing because we're all so busy) truly care about you and your family is amazing. Again, I cannot express how thankful we are to everyone who helped cover my classroom, fill in my plans, talk to and support my kids through this hard time, donate their sick days, their time, their energy to make getting through this difficult time just a tad bit easier - it means the world to me.

I know that my emotions are going to be all over the place for a long time coming, and I don't think it's ever something we'll completely get over, but it'll get easier with time. But for those rough, emotional, hard times, I know that we are absolutely surrounded by people that love us so much and that truly makes all the difference. So, to every single person who has reached out to our family in any way, THANK YOU are not big enough words to express how much we appreciate you and your love.

Friday, February 10, 2017

2 1/2!

Two and half, how can it be?! I feel like you've grown up so much over these last six months. It amazes me to see such an independent little person walking around our house! :)


Another big change that will be coming up will be preschool -when you turn 3- and you are SO excited!! We won't know for sure until March whether you got in (I hope so, otherwise you're going to be so disappointed), but you talk about it like you've already been. You're always telling Daddy and I things that you did at preschool. You play games there, you eat with your friends, you use the potty, watch TV, play outside, etc. You have an amazing imagination!

You've been good, but you're getting better, at entertaining yourself. You'll go into your room and just talk away and play for a while. Of course you love when we play with you, but it's nice that you can play on your own. Together, we build puzzles, play with Play-Doh, play Candy Land, Hi-ho Cherry-O, and read books. You also love to sing! It's typically more in the car, but sometimes at home too. If you hear a song you like, but don't know the words, you mumble right along pretending you do. :)

Oh Anna, most days you're so easy and so fun, but those "terrible twos" emotional moments are slowly starting to come out. Along with your yearn to be independent, comes with wanting things your way, all the time. Most days we can negotiate, but sometimes in your mind, it's your way or no way! You cry over little things and are sometimes over emotional about stuff, but we always get through it - even if it's at 3am and you're throwing a huge fit because Daddy turned the bathroom light on instead of Mommy (yes, that just happened a couple weeks ago).

You have such a mix of your Daddy and my personalities, it's cool to see them meshed together into one little person. You definitely took the independence one from both of us, you've got my OCD and need for organization (you love loading/unloading the dishwasher because everything has it's own spot), and you are definitely absorbing Daddy's creative nature which makes me so happy. You love to help Daddy work on everything (especially measuring), you love to draw and color, and you have such a creative imagination. You're also very silly, which you get from both of us!  :)

*You're fully potty trained!
*You can complete get yourself dressed/undressed which is so helpful, and usually pick out your own clothes!
*Just last week you learned how to zip your jacket!! :)
*You know at least 15-20 capital letters, know a few lowercase, a few sounds, how write an O and A (even though the A is upside-down)
*Your vocabulary is expanding by the day! You LOVE to talk!! You're also listening when we don't think you are and tend to repeat things you shouldn't - which is kind of funny!
*You will randomly start dancing at times and it's hilarious! You'll say, "look at these dance moves!"
*Daniel Tiger is still one of your favorite shows, even though Daddy & I are over it!


**I wrote this entire post before we lost your brothers, and debated deleting this section, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

You love to do everything yourself and often say things like, "I a big helper!" I cannot wait for you to become a big sister!! You already love these little babies so much, even though you have no idea the chaos they're going to bring into our lives in a few months. As soon as we found out I was pregnant, you would walk around saying that you had two babies in your belly, too. Now that I'm getting bigger, you'll stick your tummy out, pat it and say, "these are my two babies, they're growing". You also love to pat my belly and say, "Hi babies!" The other day, you were even patting my belly and singing "You Are My Sunshine" to them - it was so adorable!!! I can't wait for you to be able to see/feel their movements, so that it might help you understand a bit that there really are babies in there. You've had to try out all of their things - car seats, stroller, rock n play, any toys we find, etc. You love looking through baby clothes - whether it's sorting through your old stuff, picking clothes at the store, or just staring in the boys' closet.

We hope that some day you'll still get to be the best big sister we know you'll be. Unfortunately, it's just not going to happen as we imagined, and that's okay. You still walk around saying that you have babies in your belly, and sometimes ask where our babies are, and I have to tell you that they're gone. You definitely don't understand what death means or why they're all of a sudden gone, but you've accepted this last tragic week very well.

I am SO proud of the little person you are growing up to be. I love how you love your family and friends; I love how excited you get over the little things; I love that you have a sense of humor and love to laugh with Daddy and I; I love your sweet, caring nature; I love how polite and well-behaved you are; and I love that you are our daughter. You are the perfect fit for Daddy and I and we could not love you more, little Peanut. :-)

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

To Our Beautiful Baby Boys

Baby boys,
You left us too soon. I'm so..... I don't even have the right words to describe how I'm feeling - hurt, sad, confused, disappointed...I could go on and on.

You were 19 weeks and 4 days along, which was about 1/2 way for a twin pregnancy. Your little bodies were perfectly proportioned. You both had distinct and different facial features, meaning you were definitely fraternal. Your fingers, toes, and ears were just perfect. But your lungs were not developed and there was no way you could survive life outside of my womb. Baby A's face was narrower, and his nose was long and skinny. Even though on the ultrasound he looked just like Anna did on one of her ultrasounds, as soon as I saw Baby B's face, he looked just like Anna does now. He had a round little face, with a smaller little button nose just like his sister. Daddy and I were happy that we were able to hold you both for a little while before having to say goodbye. Anna was even able to see you, too.

According to all the doctors and nurses that helped us on Sunday, there was absolutely nothing I could have done differently and things like this "just happen". It definitely doesn't help not having an exact reason, but one of the first things the doctor told me was, "People feel like everything happens for a reason. This does not. There is absolutely no reason that this happened." As much as that sucked to hear, she was right. My body went into "silent preterm labor" meaning I didn't feel it and I didn't know, and I had an incompetent cervix, meaning it opened on it's own, well before it should have. There was nothing anyone could have done differently to save these precious little boys.

Even still, I feel like I've failed. It was my responsibility to grow those babies and keep them in my uterus until they were fully mature. I know that I didn't do anything wrong, but my body still failed. I failed as their mother, and I failed Tim as his wife. I know that these are feelings that I will have to work through on my own time, but right now, they're raw and real.

I'm constantly having flashbacks to my sweet little Baby A being born at home, and knowing that he was gone, but hanging on to any little hope that Baby B would be okay. Deep down, I think I knew it was over, but I wasn't giving up. About an hour after arriving at the hospital, Baby B came out peacefully and was laid on my chest, but he was already gone.

We decided to get your footprints done which are just as precious as ever and are the perfect little way to remember your sweet little frames. We're also having you cremated which is something we never thought we'd have to go through. But you were our babies, even if you were just 8 1/2 inches. You were alive for 19 weeks and I want to remember you always.It's going to be tough moving on from something like this, but we're taking it one day at a time. Anna has been a wonderful distraction for Daddy and I.

We will always remember our little "Butter & Jelly"
Love, Mommy

18 & 19 Weeks

**I debated whether or not to share this post, since I never quite finished it, but I'm going to publish it so I have it for the memories.

January 24 - 18 Weeks today!
The title of the week on my app this morning was "The Smooth Second" -- I beg to differ! This last week has really thrown me off and I cannot wait to be feeling the "smooth" second trimester feelings. Although with twins, I feel like that may have been from about week 12-14, haha!

Yesterday, I woke up with the chills and took some Tylenol every six hours to get through work. When I got home (after a professional development meeting, of course - can't miss out on those hours!) was shaking & felt terrible. I took my temperature with Anna's little ear thermometer and it was 99.8*F. I don't know if that exactly counts as a fever, but I'd say it is based on the way I'm feeling. As soon as the Tylenol wears off, I'm shivering and shaking with a headache until I take it and it kicks in....then of course, I start sweating...

I decided to stay home from work today so I could do extra treatments, although I'm not noticing much difference in my lungs; rest; stay hydrated and just relax. I've had a stressful week with the increasing pressure and bleeding, and now fevers. I'm over it! Thankfully I'm not vomiting, I'm able to keep food and water down just fine, not noticing any respiratory issues. Just headaches, chills/sweats.

I called MFM this morning to let them know about the fevers and they told me I'm allowed to take 2 extra strength Tylenol every six hours, so that's what I've been doing. I also just got off the phone with my CF doctor, who I was supposed to go see tomorrow for my three-month follow-up appointment. She said she doesn't want me driving that far by myself, so if I could get someone to come with me she'd still like to see me. If not, then she's okay with post-poning the visit unless I seem to get worse. She did tell me to have someone local see me and swab me for the flu, just in case. She said it may just be a viral thing that has to run it's coarse, but she wants me to get checked anyway. So as soon as I'm done with my treatments, I'm going to head to Express Care in town to see what they have to say.

January 25 - 18w, 1d

Good news: I don't have the flu! And my fevers are gone!!
I was able to go to my CF clinic appointment today which went pretty well. My lung function is down a tad, but that's to be expected with two growing little guys in there and a little extra mucus production. Lung-wise, I've been feeling great lately, so I'm not worried about the small decrease. I think once I start my Cayston back up in a week or two, it'll help get rid of some of the excess mucus I have going on.
My weight is still hanging at 138lbs which my CF doctor is complete fine with. I told her that I was worried I wasn't gaining enough weight with this pregnancy (only 4lbs so far) and she was worried one bit. She reminded me that I started out this pregnancy much higher than I did when I was pregnant with Anna, so that gives me a little "reserves" to use and means I don't have to gain as much as quickly this time. She thinks the further along I get, I'll eventually start putting on more weight, but she told me not to stress about it. I was able to talk to her and the dietitian today to get some more meal/snack ideas. They definitely don't want me cutting carbs because I need the nutrients and calories, but I just have to watch my sugars. My CF doctor is a bit more lax on what my fasting and two-hour numbers should be, which makes me feel better because I'd been having a hard time keeping them so low.

I feel like I'm finally starting to get better. I've had barely any fever-like symptoms today, only taken 3 Tylenol pills all day, although no naps, so I'm exhausted. I'm very happy that tomorrow is Friday so I can rest this weekend.

January 28 - 18w, 3d
I made it through work yesterday feeling pretty good. I did sit a lot which helps. Again, I'm just so surprised at how quickly I get worn out and tired. This last week has really put into perspective for me how much different and harder growing two humans is than one. I really had no clue!
I'm still having lingering headaches and some leaking/discharge, but I have a feeling those aren't going to go away any time soon. Oh the glamours of pregnancy... :)

I'm so anxious to start feeling the boys move!! Sometimes I can tell when they shift or are maybe sitting close to each other because I'll feel a lot of pressure in a specific area, but I still haven't felt any little flutters or jabs. I also can't wait for Anna to be able to feel them, too. She often gently pats my belly and says "Hi babies". This morning she laid in bed, patting my belly and singing "You Are My Sunshine" to them - it was adorable!!

January 30 - 18w, 5d
I can finally say I'm feeling better! I haven't had a big headache all day, I'm not super exhausted or in a lot of pain - yay!!! Even though I was feeling a lot better at work today, I still reminded myself to take it easy and slow. I sat when I could, walked slow when I had to walk and felt pretty good throughout the day. The boys still seem to be sitting fairly low and often put pressure on my lower uterus, but that's something I'm getting used to.

February 1 - 19 weeks
I think I fully slept through the night last night! I went to bed kind of early, and I don't remember rolling around uncomfortable or switching positions a million times. I actually woke up feeling rested this morning! Woo hoo!!

We're 19 weeks along today and you should be measuring about 6 inches long, each. You could be beginning to get little hairs on your head, your arms and legs are just about proportional to your body now, and your coordination is developing to control your arms and legs better.

I'm so excited for Monday's appointment to get your measurements for the first time. I'm also hoping we'll get lots of cute pictures and be able to see both of your faces. I can't wait to see every little inch of your bodies and make sure you're both healthy and developing as you should be.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

16 & 17 Weeks

January 11 - 16 Weeks today!
Morning:
According to my apps (yes, I have three), you're about the size of avocados - around 4.5 inches long. That's nine inches of babies!! All of my apps say that I should start feeling you soon, and I cannot wait! I can only imagine the shapes and sizes that my belly is going to be with two of you moving around in there!

The products I ordered should be complete either today or tomorrow, so we'll be revealing your genders before the weekend. People (especially co-workers, haha!) are getting very antsy - it's been pretty funny!

Evening:
The order is here! Waiting anxiously for Daddy and Anna to come home so we can make our little announcement. :) I am so surprised at how involved everyone has gotten (especially at work) with these two little beans already. I don't know if its because you're twins that makes it more exciting or what, but it's wonderful knowing we have so much love and support for these little ones!

January 13 - 16+2 weeks
The word is out:


You're both boys!! Anna is going to have two little brothers (even though sometimes she still says you're "girl babies")! I love the way my shirt turned out and Anna is very proud to wear hers - she even added in her own touch of the cape for the picture, which I thought was so perfect.

The shirts came in a day early so that was exciting because people were asking me like crazy! Daddy and I had a bit of fun with it and only showed one side for about an hour before posting the picture above - just had to drive people nuts one last time! :)


Yesterday we received your double stroller in the mail and we all couldn't wait to open it. Of course Anna had to try it out right away and she loved it. Unfortunately Anna's old infant car seat isn't really compatible with the new stroller, so we'll be looking to sell her travel system set and purchase two smaller infant seats for you guys.

Now that we know & have announced your genders, I'm getting very anxious to start on your bedroom! We don't have a specific theme picked out yet, but have a couple ideas. We also don't have any names set in stone and probably won't for a while. I'd like to keep your names to ourselves until after you're born so there's a least some element of surprise.

It's crazy to think I'm almost half way through this pregnancy already!

January 14 - 16w, 3d
Horray for a three-day weekend! Right now, my biggest struggle is food, and I hate it. I want to eat everything in sight, but I have to watch my blood sugars so I don't develop gestational diabetes. It was around this time in my pregnancy with Anna that I struggled with post-dinner time highs, and I wish I would have written down what we ate all the time!
I'm struggling because I'm trying to eat healthier, but I don't feel like I'm taking in enough fat and calories that way, and I don't seem to ever feel full. Last night I cheated at ate a ton of pizza because I was just so hungry! I'm hoping my CF doctor and dietitian have a few ideas and suggestions of fatty foods that are not going to spike my sugars.

January 18 - 17 weeks!
Anna and I went shopping over the weekend and got better snack and meal (breakfast & lunch) options for me. It's slowly starting to come back to me about what I lived on -- peanut butter, jerky and cheese! I've also started drinking one Boost drink with my lunch at work to help get a little extra calories and protein instead of having water. I'm curious to see what my weight will be next week at my CF appointment. I'm also wondering what my lung function will look like. I don't feel like the boys are squishing my lungs at all - in fact, today they felt so low they were going to fall out! By the time I get to my appointment, I will have been off Cayston for just about two weeks, so we'll see how they're still holding up.

I went to my first local "Moms of Multiples" meeting last night at a church in town and met with three other moms who have twins (and some with other children, too). It was so nice being able to chat and hear their twin pregnancy experiences. I've also been able to meet another local mom with 18 month old twin boys, who loaned me a book about being pregnant with multiples that's been pretty interesting so far. One of the women from the group last night met up with me today to lend me her belly brace/support. As soon as I found out we were having twins, Tim and I always joked that I would need one by the end of my pregnancy -- we were right! I'm almost half-way through (which is crazy!) and I definitely feel "heavy" sometimes. I think it'll really help this spring when I'm getting a lot bigger and still working. I've been trying to, and will continue to try more, to sit as much as possible throughout the day, but sometimes the discomfort is worse when I get up after sitting for a long time. Sometimes I feel it's best do shorter intervals of sitting/walking/standing. I just keep reminding myself that the discomfort I'm feeling now is nothing compared to what it can/will be later, so I'm really trying not to complain!

Speaking of almost being half-way through, twenty more weeks and these little guys will be considered full-term. That would put us at June 7th. I really hope I'm able to make it past the end of the school year so that I don't have to use my sick days/maternity leave for bed rest. As of right now, on our last day of school, I'll be exactly 35 weeks, so I feel like it's do-able, but I'm really going to have to take it easy in April and May at work.


January 20 - 17w, 2d
I was really uncomfortable yesterday throughout the day, but mostly in the evening. I don't know if I stood too much at work, plus taking Anna swimming was just too much on my body, but I was sore. Plus, it felt like the babies were teaming up and laying together on the lowest part of my uterus! At some points I couldn't tell if I was starting to get mini Braxton Hicks, or if it was just the position of the babies, because my whole belly wasn't hard, just the bottom part. Either way, I had Tim help me put Anna to bed so I didn't have to lift her the rest of the night, and I tried to go to bed a little earlier.

This morning I woke up and had a little bit of pinkish-brown mucus-y discharge when I went to the bathroom. From what I've read and talked to people, pink/brown is old blood and if it was red, it'd be new blood and potentially a problem. I'll definitely be calling MFM this morning, just to let them know, but I'm feeling totally fine this morning and definitely not as uncomfortable as I did last night.


January 22 - 17w, 4d (Sunday)
You two have been keeping me on my toes these last couple days. MFM wasn't too concerned about my call on Friday morning, saying that as long as it wasn't bright red and I wasn't having any contractions, I should be fine. Then Friday afternoon it came back as I was packing the car to head to Bloomington then DeKalb - of course...

So I called MFM again, just to be on the safe side. I was uncomfortable throughout the day on Friday, but tried to sit as much as possible. After talking with the nurse, and she consulted the doctor, they decided it was better to have me come in and get checked just to make sure there weren't any problems. So I headed off to Springfield to see what these little boys were up to! First they did an internal ultrasound to check my cervix and the tech was "very pleased". It was measuring just fine and showed no sign of thinning or shortening. Also, we were able to see Baby A's little head way down low, so that confirmed the very low discomfort I'd been having! Then she did an external ultrasound and you two were moving all over the place! I even saw (I think) Baby B moving his arms back and forth, looking like he was trying to push/hit his brother!! Both placentas looked great, fluid levels were normal, both heart rates were in normal range and both boys were very active. All in all, everything looked great. Phew!

They gave me the all-clear to continue my activities as planned, and didn't even tell me to take it easy. They're going to call me on Monday to follow-up and see how I'm doing. Yesterday we did lots of shopping with Linda & Roger, and I had to sit for breaks frequently, but I was able to get a lot more rest/relaxation today which made me feel better. I'm really going to try to take it easy at work this week - wear comfy shoes, sit when I can, drink even more than I am now, etc. I'm hoping this is just a growth spurt/position issue and it goes away. I cannot imagine being this uncomfortable (plus more as they get bigger) for another 20 weeks!

January 23 - 17w, 5d
Oh boys - you just can't let me relax! It's been one heck of a week! I woke up this morning with a terrible headache and tried to get myself to drink lots and lots of water to help get it to go away, but nothing seemed to help. Aside from the headache and feeling really tired, I wasn't feeling a ton of pressure or discomfort down below like I had been Friday & Saturday. I was still having a little bit of discharge, so I was keeping an eye on that, too. Well, around 10:50 this morning at work, I started bleeding - like a period! Thankfully I have amazing co-workers and I was able to leave to head straight to MFM to get checked while I knew my kids would be in good hands.

Originally, the MFM office suggested I go to the local ER because they typically don't see patients for things like this before 20 weeks, but I told them I'd be much more comfortable seeing them (since they know about my CF & history) than a random person in the ER. The nurse on the phone talked to the doctor and he agreed to see me. When I arrived, they checked my blood pressure which was completely normal and pulse ox was 99%. I had another internal ultrasound to check my cervix. We saw Baby A's feet kicking away way down low, which means he was now breech. My cervix looked just fine - again, no signs of labor, thinning or shortening.
She then did an external ultrasound to check on the boys. They both had high heart rates today because they were so active. Baby A was 175, and Baby B was 168. Baby B was nice and squished, folded in half and we saw him kick himself in the head at one point. The tech was great, took her time, measured what she needed and took lots of pictures for me. One of the 3D pictures, I swear Baby A looks a lot like Anna did from one of her 3D pictures. Baby B was harder to see because he was rolled up into a ball. The tech was very pleased to see them moving so much and also said my fluid levels and placentas looked normal.
After the ultrasounds, they did an exam to check for any active bleeding. She could not see any - just brown old blood. So, overall, everything looked normal again, which is good to hear, but also annoying to me because I felt like I got no explanation as to why I was bleeding!
After everyone looked me over, the doctor came in to chat with me before I left. He said that it's not completely uncommon for women to have bleeding in twin pregnancies due to the extra blood supply and pressure. He said I could probably expect to have spotting throughout the pregnancy and this could potentially put me at risk for preterm labor (which I'm already at risk having twins), but everything looks completely normal today. He was very happy that I was willing to come into MFM today instead of going to the ER because he said they know me (CF + twins) and any time you have bleeding, it could be a sign of labor, but thankfully today its just there to stress me out - haha. We joked about how Anna's pregnancy was so easy, that this one couldn't be just as easy, too!

I am so thankful to have such a wonderful team taking care of me. Not once, Friday or today, did I feel like I was inconveniencing them by coming in on such short notice. Everyone was kind, took their time with me, and answered any questions I had. They all commented on how I can call any time I have questions or concerns.
Hopefully I won't have to go back within the next two weeks, before our big anatomy scan coming up. I'm looking forward to watching them spend lots of time examining and measuring each baby. They seem so big on the screen, but I'm curious how they're measuring for their age. Let's hope I don't have to go back until then, and that they behave!! :)

January 24 - 17w, 6d
Bleeding slowed down a significant amount last night after my appointment and seems to be back in brown stage as of this morning- which I'm hoping means it's the end. I still have a slight headache, but they gave me the okay to take Tylenol, so I'll probably keep that handy today.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

14 & 15 Weeks

December 28th - 14 weeks! Hello second trimester!

Note: This one was taken in the evening - all others were in the morning.
December 29 - 14w, 1d
You're definitely growing! Look at that belly already! I've been having lots of stretching pains over the last week or so and according to my apps, you're both about 3.4 inches long and about 1.5oz. That's about 7 inches and 3oz of baby + placentas + your sacs....I guess that belly makes sense! Looking back at my pregnancy with Anna - this belly is about the same size as I was when I was about 23/24 weeks along with her!

Just got a call back from MFM! You are both very low risk for any chromosomal abnormalities! We also found out some gender news - so I immediately called Daddy!!! :)

December 31st - 14w, 3d
Daddy and I are going to get a new (used) car today. We're trading in our beloved Mazda 3 which we bought together a month before we got married. Its been with us for six years, four moves, a wedding, a baby and over 157,000 miles!
Even though we're planning on sending Anna to preschool in the fall, and Daddy will just be taking the two of you to Grandma's, there's no way we'd comfortably be able to fit both of your car seats in our "blue car". The plan is to upgrade to a Mazda 6 wagon, and I hope everything goes smoothly.

January 2 - 14w, 5d
Happy New Year! Thankfully everything went very smooth on Saturday, and Daddy and I came home with a new car. :) It has the right amount of space for our growing family and gets decent gas mileage for Daddy's commute to/from work. We are really liking the fact that it's a used vehicle (2005) because it's already broken in and we don't have to worry about trying to keep it fresh and new with soon to be three kids.

Pregnancy-wise, I've been feeling alright. I'm still having lots of stretching/pain in my low, low abdomen and groin area, but I know that's normal, it's just annoying. I notice it the most when I've been sitting a while and then get up, and also if I've been standing for a long time. With all of the stretching I've been feeling my body doing, and watching my belly grow by the day, I cannot wait to see you two at our ultrasound on Thursday! Daddy's thinking about coming with too in case they're able to confirm your genders. Let's hope you're both cooperating, otherwise we'll have to wait another 4 weeks!
I've also been experiencing some head aches on and off over the last couple days. I'm wondering if it's because I'm not drinking enough water. We bough a 40-pack of water bottles today at Sam's, so hopefully that'll help me, especially with going back to work tomorrow.

Unfortunately, winter break has come to an end. Luckily tomorrow is just Teacher Work Day, so it'll be a nice ease back into the week. I'm looking forward to getting back onto a schedule & routine, but will definitely miss sleeping in and having some lazy days. It's hard to believe this school year is already half way over. It's also hard to believe that I may not finish this school year! On the last day of school, I'll be exactly 35 weeks, so we'll see how my body holds up! I plan to get in contact with a couple of my favorite subs to see if they'd be interested in covering me at the end of the school year, if need be. I'd really like to make it to the end of the year, but I know there are so many unknowns with twin pregnancies as I've written about before.
Well, better get to bed! 4:45 will come way too soon!

January 6 - 15w, 2d
We know your genders!!! I had an ultrasound yesterday and you were both very cooperative and we were able to confirm your genders. Daddy and I are very excited!! We're not sharing just yet because I'm having some things made to help make the reveal a little more fun. Nothing over the top, but something cute. Hopefully they'll be done by next Thursday so we can share our news Friday.

I couldn't believe how big you both looked on the ultrasound yesterday, although the tech said you're probably about a pound a piece (so still very tiny). They didn't measure you at all because you're still so small, but will start measuring next appointment, which will also be our big anatomy scan. With all of the stretching and pain I've been having down low, I thought for sure the ultrasound would be really low yesterday, too. It wasn't. She was looking at you both up higher than expected and she said the top of my uterus is probably just above my belly button - wow! So I guess this belly is babies already :) You were both sideways, each of your heads facing a different direction. I got to see you moving all around, kicking legs and and bending arms. I asked how they determine who's baby A and baby B -- baby A is the one closest to the exit, basically. So the twin on the bottom is baby A, and the one on top is baby B. I'm assuming you'll stay in those positions most of the pregnancy until (hopefully!) you start turning head down to make your exit.

Surprisingly I've only gained 2lbs so far, which made me a little worried, but the NP didn't seem to think it was an issue. They really want me to keep a close watch on my sugars to help avoid gestational diabetes. My blood pressure was totally normal. And all of the blood work I had done around 11-12 weeks came back normal. Even my A1C was 4.6!! Woo hoo! That's within normal-people (aka: non-CF) range! I hope that I'm able to control my sugars with diet and not insulin this pregnancy. So far I've been doing pretty good, just struggling with dinner being a bit on the high end after two hours. Hopefully I can get/keep them under control to avoid further issues.

For now Daddy and I are keep our lips sealed so we don't give your genders away yet. It's was really hard at work today, but I'm going to try my best not to say anything. I'm glad that Daddy and I can settle on names and start coming up with nursery ideas. :-)