Our Infertility Journey: Round Three, Part Three

Click here for Part One

Click here for Part Two

Thursday, May 25 - Retrieval Day
It's the morning of retrieval and I'm getting so excited to see how many eggs they're able to get today! I haven't really thought about the fact that I'll be sedated and having a procedure, that hasn't really made me nervous yet. I'm just so anxious to see how the next three-five days go, and I'm already looking forward to the transfer. :)

PM update: Well my nerves set in pretty much as soon as we got there. We arrived a few minutes early, but they were waiting for us and took us back immediately. They had me take a pill, then set up my IV. The woman who did it was fantastic and got me in the elbow crack on the first poke. :) They had me change into a gown and told Tim to put XXL "scrubs" over his clothes - he looked hilarious! We both had to wear the hairnets and booties, then they brought us back. When they laid me on the table, they hooked up a blood pressure cuff, O2 monitor on my finger, put an O2 canal in my nose and that's when I started getting nervous because I was about to be knocked out. They wheeled me back into the procedure room next door and had Tim stay in the recovery room, but he was able to watch what they were doing on the TV.

I remember when they wheeled me in the fertility doctor said, "you ready?" and I said, "this is kind of intimidating!" and he calmly said,"no, you'll be fine". Then the nurse explained that she was going to be right by my head and that if I open my eyes during the procedure, I might see her and hear them all talking. Then she started putting the meds into my IV and I kind of remember them saying, "is she still awake?". During the procedure, I remember hearing the doctor count, "9, 10" and then later I felt some pressure/cramping and heard him say "14"...then I was out again.

After they were done, I kind of remember waking up and them making me stumble (with their help) back into the recovery room where I just laid and slept. Tim went to do his part and I didn't want to move when he got back - I was so tired! While I was in recovery, I remember coughing a few times and having a really productive cough, but I just swallowed the mucus because I was too sore to move. I remember asking Tim how many they got, or maybe saying, "did they get 14?" I'm sure I asked him a few times. Finally, I had a few sips of water and Tim helped me get dressed, then they wheeled me out to the car.

After leaving the fertility clinic, I felt kind of nauseous, but just assumed it was because of being sedated. We stopped to get gas and I ended up throwing up. I was trying to text our neighbor who was watching Anna, but I couldn't focus. I just opened the passenger door and threw up on the ground, haha! It was all mucus and water. I think I threw up about 3-4 times, but I felt a lot better after I did. I slept pretty much all of the way home (we were home around 11:30, I think) and wobbled straight to bed. At some point, Anna came in and slept with me for a little while, according to Tim. I don't remember much. I tried to get up and eat around 2:30 or so, but felt like I was going to throw up again, so I just went back to bed and slept til about 5-5:30.

I finally got up, went outside with Tim and Anna for a few minutes, and then just hung out on the couch for the rest of the night. I was able to eat and drink a bit without feeling too sick. I haven't taken any pain meds and don't feel too horrible. I feel kind of crampy, but it's bearable. I'm not allowed to lift anything over 20lbs (Anna) until after my pregnancy test in a couple weeks. And now I'll be anxiously awaiting the call from Jim, the embryologist, tomorrow to see how many of the 14 follicles fertilized and made it through the night.

I also had to start Medrol (pill) until the transfer and also progesterone shots. Those shots are intimidating and I've heard they're awful. They have to be given in the upper, outer butt region, into the muscle by Tim. I was SO nervous that it was going to hurt so bad, especially with him giving it to me instead of me just doing it myself, but he did so good! It didn't hurt as bad as I expected it to, so tomorrow night when he does it, hopefully I won't be shaking like I was tonight!

Friday, May 26
Just got my phone call today and it's good news! Out of the 14 eggs they got yesterday, 10 of them have fertilized into embryos!! The embryologist said that typically 50% of them will make it to day 5 (today being day 1), so we're hoping that we'll have five good embryos on Tuesday. From there, they'll take the best one to implant and freeze any left overs. I'm hoping this weekend goes by quickly and that things go well Tuesday afternoon. :-)

Sunday, May 28
Anxiously awaiting the call about our little embryos!

We have NINE perfect little embryos still going (one looks a bit odd, haha)!! He still thinks that we'll have about five by Tuesday, which will give us a great chance of picking the best of the best to implant and freeze the rest! :) I am SO happy that all of this is going so well! I really have been pretty relaxed over the last couple of weeks because everything has been going the way it should be and that's very reassuring right now.

Monday, May 29
It's been four days since our little embryos became fertilized and started developing. Tomorrow, we'll go in and they'll pick "the best" one to implant in my uterus (and hope there are a few great ones to freeze). About this time in development, the embryo is ready to embed itself into the uterine lining and begin developing even more. I have VERY high hopes that this little bean will stick and thus begins the next worried nine months of my life. I am ready to embark on this pregnancy journey again, no matter what happens. I'm ready for some good news. I'm prepared to worry a lot. I'm ready to finally bring home a baby brother or sister for Anna (which she thinks grows in my belly and then comes out my butt!). We're set to go in for a blood pregnancy test on June 9th, which is two weeks from the first day of fertilization, so I really hope the next week and a half pass by quickly or that I start feeling different soon.

Wednesday, May 31 - One day post-transfer
Just under 24 hours ago, we watched our precious little embryo go from the lab's petri dish, where it's been under great care, into my uterus where we hope it'll begin to develop into a beautiful little fetus. We even got our first ultrasound picture of our tiny little white "speck" after the procedure was done.

The procedure itself was relatively easy. The hardest part was trying not to pee myself! So, directions were to come to the office with a full bladder because....well, I'm not sure why, but I'm a rule-follower. So I tried to hydrate really well in the days leading up to the transfer and drank a lot of Gatorade on the way there. We arrived about a half hour early (again, as they told me to) and I already needed to pee then, but figured I could hold it for 30 minutes. Turns out for some reason the doctor was running late and the procedure didn't begin for an hour and a half after we arrived! I'm sure Tim was tired of listening to me complain about how BAD I had to pee, but it was torture! I ended up asking to go a little bit because I couldn't hold it anymore....it was a very temporary relief.

Anyway, around 1:45ish, they walked us back into the same area as the retrieval. We put on our booties and hairnets and walked into the room where the doctor told us we had a "beautiful embryo". They set up an external ultrasound on my belly while the doctor prepared me. The room was adjacent to the lab, so we literally watched the embryologist put our little embryo under the microscope which projected onto the TV in our room. We were able to see it move around a little bit before he sucked it into the catheter. He handed the catheter through the window joining the rooms, to the doctor who then used the ultrasound to guide the insertion of the embryo way up into my uterus. It was fascinating to watch! And took all of about five minutes! Finally, they emptied my bladder for me (such relief!) and reclined me back in the bed. The pushed the bed into the recovery room where I laid, and Tim sat, for 35 minutes. After that, I was able to get dressed and leave. My only instructions were to take it easy the rest of the day and all of the day today.

I decided to ask Grandma watch Anna today so that I could really take it easy as the doctor told me I should. I'm allowed to resume normal activity tomorrow, but try not to stay on my feet too long and I'm still not allowed to lift over 20lbs. This has been tough because I've never realized how much I pick up Anna during the day - whether it's to help her reach/see something, get in or out of the car or shopping cart, or just when she needs a little snuggle, especially at bedtime. We've explained to her that I can't pick her up right now because I was a little sore (after the transfer) and then that the doctors put a baby in my belly yesterday. Of course she doesn't quite understand what that could mean months from now, but it satisfied her questioning and we've been holding hands to go to bed instead of me carrying her, and she's been really good about letting Tim do more things for her. She's also been talking about me having baby(ies) in my belly since being pregnant with the twins, so this is not really new for her to hear.

Oh, and how could I forget - we have some embryos to freeze! Before the transfer yesterday, the embryologist came to talk with us about our little embryos. He said they chose the best and most mature one to implant yesterday, but that I'd likely have another 3-4 to freeze today. He wanted to let them develop for another day before deciding how many and which ones to freeze, so I'm curious to know how many he chose. I'm excited that we have the possibility of doing this again without having to go through ALL of the steps. He said that frozen transfer would definitely not be as many appointments and that I'd probably be doing an oral medication (not injections) and a patch, along with the progesterone shots leading up to the transfer. This definitely gives me some peace of mind because even if this little bean that's in there now doesn't stick, we have some "back-ups" ready to go. This also makes me excited that we may be able to have more kids down the road. It's been a lot to process over the last few weeks, but I can honestly say that I've had a good experience. I was so nervous before beginning, but it's all been working out so well. I hope that we're able to bring home our rainbow baby in nine months (and no sooner!).

And now we wait until next Friday, and I will soak up every minute with my beautiful baby little girl because we are so lucky to have her! :)

Friday, June 2 - 3 days post-transfer
One more week!! I was very tempted to take a pregnancy test this morning just because, but I restrained myself. I know it's way too early, but maybe Sunday or Monday...haha! I'm not noticing any huge symptoms or signs yet. I am still having some cramping in my uterus area, but that's about it. Oh, and tonight, my face is kind of oily and is breaking out, but that could just be because I was outside all day for our garage sale. I've been trying to take it easy as much as possible and Tim's still giving me my nightly progesterone injection. He's been very helpful around the house and with Anna these last few days.

Sunday, June 4 - 5 days post-transfer
I took a pregnancy test this morning just for the hell of it, but it was negative. It's still pretty early, but I'm getting anxious to know what's going on in there. I wish I was having some kind of physical symptoms, but I guess it's still kind of early for that, too. Hopefully Anna and I can keep busy during the days this week so that Friday will be here quickly.

Monday, June 5 - 6 days post-transfer
Negative again. I keep feeling the sides of my boobs hoping they'll be sore one of these times. I know it's still technically early, but I'm dying over here! I plan to test every day this week up to my blood test Friday morning. I'm sure this is going to be the longest week ever!

Afternoon addition: I've been thinking about that negative test all day! I'm starting to seriously doubt that the IVF worked. Even with a busy day today, it's constantly been on my mind. I just want to feel something, to reassure myself that it's working. But I also need to start considering that it may not have worked, and that we still have 3-4 embryos left to try again.

Tuesday, June 6 - One Week post-transfer
I took two tests this morning around 5am and was extremely disappointed when they looked negative. I laid in bed almost in tears thinking that this really might not work. Around 7, when I got up again, I decided to look at the tests, just to double check. Well, it looked like there might have been the faintest second line ever on them...but it also could have just been an evaporation line because it was two hours later. So I took another test (#3 for the day) and if I hold it in the correct light, I can see a second line. I'm REALLY hoping I'm not going crazy here. Thankfully we have plans all day, so the soonest I'll test again will be this evening. It's been 12 days since fertilization, which is about the earliest I've gotten the second line on my previous pregnancies, so we'll see. I am completely torn.

PM update: I took a fourth test today and there is the lightest second line ever there - even Tim saw it! I'm getting hopeful again...I have seven tests left and two more days until my blood test. I'm sure I'll use every single one of those tests through Friday morning. Let's just hope this line gets progressively darker these next couple days!

Wednesday, June 7 - 8 days post-transfer
The line definitely didn't get darker this morning. I'm making myself a mess obsessing over these little tests. If I really think about it, I'm not feeling any different at all, but I am over-analyzing everything. I feel silly writing this down each day, but I really am making myself go nuts over here. I know I should probably just stop testing and wait for the blood test Friday morning, but I'm so hoping that I will get a decent positive at home first. Right now I'm wondering if this super light second line is just because of the extra progesterone/hormones in my body from the IVF cycle. Just within the last 24 hours I've been down, then up, and now down again - I need to quit doing this to myself, but I just want to be pregnant so bad!!

Thursday, June 8 - 9 days post-transfer
I'm honestly feeling defeated. I have very little hope left. I took a test last night and another this morning and the lines were the same - super faint. It has not gotten any darker since Tuesday morning, so I'm taking that as the pregnancy isn't progressing, kind of similar to what happened after our very first IUI before Anna (when I had a very low number, just enough to register on the test, but then it went down) - that's what I'm guessing will happen. We'll have confirmation tomorrow, but as of right now, I'm expecting them to tell me it hasn't worked. I guess I could be surprised and get some good news, but I'm not counting on it. Right now I'm just trying to remind myself of the positives - that we have some frozen embryos and all summer to keep trying.
I appreciate my friends and sister-in-law who have helped keep me busy this week and have been extremely positive and reassuring as I drive myself crazy over this. It's just been so hard because I feel like we've gotten so close, twice now (the twins and now this), but it's just not working.

Friday, June 9 - 10 days post-transfer
It's darker, people! It's darker! Just between yesterday evening's test and this morning's. MAYBE, just maybe we might have some positive news....I can actually see the second line clearly without having to hold it at a weird angle or in certain light.

I'm back from Springfield and anxiously awaiting my phone call. I told the lady taking my blood that I felt like I was going to throw up because I was so nervous, haha. She said, "I just ask that you don't throw up on me." Then she asked if I cheated - I said, "uh yeah!" And she just laughed.
Even with the darker line this morning, I'm still nervous about the HCG level not being strong enough.

I'm pregnant!!!! My HCG level is 188, which is just one point lower than when I got pregnant with Anna. The fertility doctor was the one who called me (with everyone in the room with him on speaker) at about 11:25 this morning. I was so nervous because not only was he the one that called me, but it was also not the afternoon. This made my heart sink & I told him he was making me nervous! He said, "You're going to be a mommy again!" I almost started crying, my hands were shaking, and I was so happy! It's been a LONG ten days and I was extremely doubtful at times, and Tim was, too. The doctor told me that everything looks great, to keep up with the progesterone shots, and to come back on Tuesday morning for a follow-up blood test. If everything looks good from there, then we'll schedule an ultrasound. YAY!

And now the nerves kind of set in, in a different way. I really, really hope this pregnancy sticks! It's tricky right now because I literally am feeling no different. So to think, "I'm pregnant" still definitely hasn't set in (it's only been two hours) and I think it won't until we see the little baby and hear it's heartbeat. Even still, it's going to be hard to decide when to announce to everyone. I'm going to want to tell everyone immediately, but I know that Tim likes to be a bit more cautious and wait a little longer.

Tuesday, June 13 - Two weeks post-transfer
It's 3:37pm and I'm STILL waiting for the fertility clinic to call me back about my blood draw this morning! I'm currently doing my second set of treatments for the day, and if they don't call by the time I'm done, then I'm calling them!

Wednesday, June 14 - 15 days post-transfer
I called the clinic when I was done with my treatments and they "left a message for the nurse to call me." Probably about ten minutes later, they finally did call. She asked how I was doing, and I told her I was nervous. She said, "No need to be nervous." Woo hoo! My level climbed just as it was supposed to and was now at 731. I asked about my progesterone and she said it was well above 40! :) They'd like me to continue my progesterone injections and then when I'm out of those, I'm going to switch to the vaginal suppositories (same ones I was on when pregnant with Anna), I'm guessing for the first trimester. We have our first ultrasound scheduled for a week from today! I can't wait!

I guess this brings us to the end of Journey #3 - we're officially pregnant. Let's hope that this little bean sticks and makes his/her arrival later this winter. :-)

All the Feels

Today (Wednesday, May 24) brings up a lot of emotions for me (seems to be the trend lately!) and this is the way that I've learned how to process them all.

• Last day with JD and others at Parsons

Today is my last day of my fifth year of teaching. Today is also the last day of several of my coworkers in our building. We have several people leaving our school because they have either accepted a different job within the district, or for some, out of the district. 

One of those people is our principal. I have been SO lucky to work under such an amazing leader and boss, who has become a good friend. I'll never forget my interview at his school (it was so hot & I was in a pants suit!) and leaving there thinking about how bad I wanted that position. When he called me to offer me the position, I'll always remember the excitement I felt! I was like a kid on Christmas morning! I couldn't wait to start in my first classroom as a kindergarten teacher. I appreciate him giving me the opportunity to begin my career under his leadership. He has taught me so much about myself as an educator and as a person. I appreciate his constructive criticism, advice, humor, guidance, compassion, understanding, support and friendship over the last five years. Our building will absolutely never be the same without him and his strong personality, but I'm happy to see him moving on and up to something he's passionate about - helping others and supporting teachers.
There are several other people moving on from our building, some who have become good friends as well. I really hope we're able to keep in touch despite our busy schedules and growing families. Next school year is going to be very strange walking into our school without these guys, and seeing so many new faces. I don't do well with change sometimes and it's definitely going to be an adjustment. 

• 35 weeks

Today I would have been 35 weeks pregnant with the twins (can you imagine how huge I'd be?!). I remember counting ahead when I was pregnant to figure out if/when I'd take some time off at the end of the school year to relax before the babies were born. 35 weeks is the national average for twin delivery, so I feel like if I was still pregnant, they really would have been coming any day. Now is when they were supposed to be born, not three months ago. I was supposed to spend my summer juggling nursing two newborn little boys and entertaining a toddler, but that's never going to happen. I really try not to dwell on moments like this, but over the next few weeks - when they should have been making their arrival - they're going to be on my mind A LOT. 

• IVF/Retrieval

Instead of preparing for the birth of our boys, we're now preparing for another pregnancy. It feels like we're back at square one, starting all over again. It's exciting and scary all at the same time. Tomorrow morning we'll go in to have all of my follicles removed and fertilized for the next few days under the careful watch of our fertility clinic. We are so lucky to have them fairly local and I cannot thank them enough for helping us have our beautiful children. It sucks to have to start all over again, but the way things are going, we'll hopefully have some exciting news to share this summer. 

I know I've written about it before, but the idea of being pregnant again brings up mixed emotions. Of course we'd be very excited to add to our family, but there's always going to be doubt in my mind that I'll be able to carry the baby full term again. Thankfully I have an amazing team of high-risk doctors who better know I'll be calling them for everything this time around! I know I'll be in good hands and closely monitored, but it still makes me nervous that we could have a similar outcome.
But right now I need to focus on "the now" and not stress about things I cannot control, which is very hard for me to do, but I'm trying. I'm glad to have the summer off work now to help me relax. :)

Our Infertility Journey: Round Three, Part Two

Click here for Part One

Wednesday, April 12
I received my IVF calendar/schedule and meds list in the mail yesterday. It's slowly starting to feel more real! I also have two appointments scheduled already over the next few weeks. Next week, Tim and I both have to go in for blood work and I'm also getting an ultrasound. Then about a month from now, I have my baseline scan and blood work scheduled.
According to the schedule, it looks like transfer and retrieval are going to be around the end of the school year and into Memorial Day weekend. I might have to miss the last day or two of school, but I'm okay with that. I just need to find a sub who'll cover for me on the days I'll have scans.
I'm still currently waiting to get my second period, but it should be here any day now.

Wednesday, April 19
Finally, my second period started a few days ago on Sunday and I began taking my birth control on Monday. Tim and I had to get initial blood work done today (they had to stick me three times & dig around, ugh!) and they did a saline ultrasound on me to make sure everything looked okay down there after the miscarriage. Thankfully, everything looked great and we are on track to being IVF on May 12! On that day, I'll have my baseline scan and labs to begin the IVF process. Between now and then, I'll make sure that I get all of my meds through the mail-order fertility pharmacy and continue the birth control until May 9.

Friday, April 21
I'm getting a bit nervous about being pregnant again. I'm so worried that every little thing I feel is going to make me think something is wrong. I keep telling Tim that if I get pregnant this summer, I'm just going to lay around all summer and not strain myself at all. I'm worried that my cervix won't hold up and that being checked every two weeks won't be often enough. Just under two weeks went by between the last time I was checked and when the boys were unexpectedly born. I'm worried about going back to work if/when I get pregnant, especially in the heat - thank goodness I have that room air conditioner!
Even with all of these worries, I am SO excited to get pregnant again. I can't wait to have more kids! I'm really, really hopeful that it's going to work on the first try. I hope that my body responds appropriately to all of the hormones and medications (wow, that med list is LONG!), that I don't get too over-stimulated, and that we have several embryos that survive. If we do have more than one, we plan on freezing the extras to implant at a later date to have more children through a frozen transfer cycle.
Oh, one of my other worries, of course, is getting pregnant with twins. Now I'm pretty sure everyone on the staff knows that we are planning on only transferring and implanting ONE embryo, but I still have that fear that it'll split into identical twins - there's no way to control that. I don't know what I'd do if I found out it was twins again - I'd be terrified! Of course, we'd deal with it, and I really wouldn't want to move my entire pregnancy, but I could never go the route of 'selective reduction'. So right now, I'm really hoping that it works on the first try and we get pregnant with ONE little bean this time around. :)

Monday, May 1
We're officially in IVF month. In February, when we first met with the clinic, May seemed so far away, but here we are less than two weeks away from my baseline scan. Over the last week or so, I've been back and forth with the fertility pharmacy and the fertility clinic making sure that the correct meds are ordered and covered by insurance. IVF has a lot more medications than my IUIs, so making phone calls without my list is impossible. Unfortunately, one of my meds, Lupron, isn't covered by my insurance. I called the fertility clinic this afternoon to see if there's a replacement drug available, because I'm not paying $649 out of pocket for it! In the meantime, the fertility pharmacy is going to mail me all of the meds that have been approved by insurance this week. Hopefully this will help narrow down what's left. Thank goodness they ship quickly in case we need something last minute - I feel like next Friday is going to be here before we know it.

Right now the plan is to continue birth control until May 9th, then I should start my period. On May 12th I'll go in for my baseline scan (ultrasound to check that I don't have any cysts or anything that'll prevent us from moving forward) and labs (to make sure my hormone levels are in check). Then, they'll tell me exactly which medications I'll be taking, how much, and when to begin, to stimulate follicle growth. The nice part about going through the IVF process is that we can harvest eggs from both ovaries this time (unlike IUI where eggs on my right side were useless because I don't have a fallopian tube there), so hopefully we'll get a lot!

Thursday, May 4
I'm getting stressed out already, and I don't like it! I've been playing phone tag with my fertility clinic over the last four days trying to figure out if I have the right medications. They've been returning my afternoon calls the following morning....while I'm working.

I got a shipment of meds yesterday in the mail, and two of them were not on my original list of meds that I'd be getting. It's worrying me that I just paid $80 for these two (plus $105 for others) and they aren't even what I need. I'm sure there's no return policy!

Monday, May 8
Thankfully I was able to get in contact with someone at my clinic on Friday and discovered that the two meds that weren't listed were basically just generic brands for medications I needed, so we're good! Now the issue is that one of my hormone levels on my blood work from April was a bit high. This means I'm at a higher risk for hyper-stimulating. If this happened, then I'd have to trigger with a specific shot, one that's not covered by insurance and is $649. It also means that if I did hyper-stimulate, they may follow through with the retrieval of eggs, but may need to freeze any embryos to implant them the next cycle, to allow my body to recover from the over stimulation.

All of these unknown factors are making me a bit nervous, but I'm definitely not as stressed about everything as I felt on Thursday of last week. Tomorrow is my last day of birth control, then I'm expecting to get my period on Wednesday/Thursday and I'll be going in to get my baseline scan and labs done on Friday. This is also when I'll be learning all about what medications I'll begin taking and injecting. It's getting close....

Friday, May 12
I'm so happy to not be feeling stressed out right now!! I had my baseline scan and labs this morning and everything looked great on my scan. They even were able to get my vein in one poke (with some maneuvering), so I'd call it a success. One of the nurses was able to answer all of my questions in the office, and then they told me they'd call me this afternoon to tell me my instructions based on my lab results.
Well, just got my call from the clinic and I'll only be doing two shots per day - how easy is that?! I'll also be taking an oral antibiotic (Tim, too) for ten days while preparing for retrieval. So, starting tonight, I'll be doing Gonal-F and Menopur injections each evening, and I'll be going back on Wednesday (today's Friday) to see how I'm progressing. Thanks to one of my favorite techs, she's going to scan me at 7:15am so that I can get my blood work and get back to work as soon as possible.
The tricky part about all of this is that I'll have to be seen a lot by my fertility clinic so they can monitor my follicles and ovaries very carefully to watch for hyper-stimulation, so that means lots of trips to Springfield which is 45 minutes one-way, and also some time from work. Thankfully I have amazing and very understanding co-workers who are willing to step in and help watch my class while I have to be out so much.

Wednesday, May 17
Up bright and early (as usual) to get to Springfield and back this morning without missing too much work. Of course I had a dream last night that I ended up taking a school bus there instead of driving, and we got lost out in the middle of no where. By the time we got to Springfield, I learned that their clinic had moved to Decatur, actually in the office of my school building (convenient, huh?!). Can you tell I'm stressed about being late to work?! I feel bad, but appreciate SO much, that people are giving up their plan times to watch my kids so that I don't have to get a random sub for an hour.

Anyway, I'll be leaving in less than an hour to head to Springfield. I'm hoping to be the first one there so I can get in and out quickly. They'll be doing an internal ultrasound to look at my ovaries and count & measure the follicles that are growing inside. I'm so excited to be able to consider BOTH sides this time around, something we've never been able to do before. Then I'll be getting blood work done - they usually struggle to find a vein - to check/monitor my hormone levels. I'm guessing, just like on Friday, that they'll meet with the doctor after lunch and call me this afternoon to update me on my information and any changes I'll have to make.

Good news, everything seems to progressing as it should! :) I was indeed the first one there and had my scan quickly. I had 18 follicles, 8 on one side and 10 on the other. They were pleased to see that I didn't have any giant ones, so I'm guessing that means I'm not hyper-stimulating...yet. For some reason they always struggle to take my blood. It took three people and three pokes to finally get a vein. They better get it together because I'm going to be back a lot over the next few weeks!
One of the nurses called this afternoon and told me to continue both of my shots (Gonal-F & Menopur), keeping the dosage the same, and to return on Friday morning. That will be one week into the shots, and I'm curious to see how much will change in two days. I'm already going on day six tonight. This retrieval is going to be here before too long!

Friday, May 19
I had another scan with labs this morning. Thankfully they are so flexible and didn't even care that I showed up a half hour before my scheduled time so I could get back to work. AND, they even got my vein on the first poke!
I had three measurable follicles on each side today. This surprised me, especially since I thought I had 18 just two days ago. But I tried not to stress too much about it - we only need ONE.
After speaking with one of the nurses this afternoon, things seem to be progressing well. I'm now adding another injection to my nightly routine - Cetrotide. It's supposed to help the eggs mature, but keep me from ovulating too soon. I'll be going back to the fertility clinic on Sunday morning for my next check.
Retrieval is coming up quick. Tonight was my 8th night of injections. Let's hope that the six eggs that are growing continue to grow and mature like they're supposed to, and maybe a couple more will sprout up by Sunday. The more eggs they retrieve, the greater chance we have of a good quality egg fertilizing and developing before they transfer it back into my uterus.

Sunday, May 21
More labs and another ultrasound this morning. It was packed!! I didn't think it would be so busy on a Sunday, but I think every woman going through IVF was there this morning. Thankfully I didn't have to rush in and out to get back to work because they were a bit slow-moving because they were so busy.
Today I had 10 measurable follicles. :) Two of them are pretty big already and the rest vary in size. They want me to continue my three injections tonight and come back tomorrow morning for another scan and labs. Right now, it looks like I'll be having my retrieval on Wednesday (last day of school). And, good news, it looks like I won't have to pay $649 for a Lupron trigger shot!!! So far my hormone levels have been normal and I'm not hyper-stimulating, so I can trigger with Ovidrel which I already have in my fridge!
I'm getting excited for my retrieval because I'm anxious to see how many follicles they can harvest. I hope we have good quality embryos, but I just have to keep reminding myself that we just only need one....and hope that it takes when they put it back in.

Tuesday, May 23
I'm am completely over driving back and forth to Springfield and getting poked a million times, but we're having good results, so I really shouldn't/can't complain. Yesterday, my follicles were similar in size to Sunday, so they wanted me to do my three shots again last night and come back today to see if they got any bigger - they sure did! The nurse who did my ultrasound, Holly (my favorite!), told me that I looked great and was definitely ready for retrieval after today's scan. They were able to get my blood after one poke today (took FOUR yesterday), so I took today's appointment as a definite win...especially because they told me that I have about 15 follicles!! Of course not all of them are mature enough, so they're guessing they'll be able to retrieve about 12 good ones. I can't wait! I really hope things go well. :)
So, I'm all set for retrieval on Thursday. I have to do two trigger shots tonight (the ones I already have, NOT the $649 one - woo hoo!) and then go in tomorrow morning to make sure my hormones are reacting appropriately to the trigger shot. Then Tim and I will go in on Thursday morning for the retrieval. After they take out my eggs, Tim will do his part and then they'll try to fertilize all of the mature eggs. From there, we wait 3-5 days to see which one(s) develop properly into embryos and they'll put one back in when it's ready. If we do have any left over good quality embryos, Tim and I plan to freeze them to transfer (one at a time) at a later date.
I am getting really excited to see how this all pans out over the next few weeks! This whole process has definitely been more involved than an IUI, but it really hasn't been as tough as I expected it to be...so far. The injections have been manageable (I've done 26 so far, plus the two triggers tonight); I'm so thankful that I haven't over-stimulated; and I'm also so thankful that I have been responding to the injections appropriately.
And a HUGE shout-out to my work family for helping cover my kiddos over the last two weeks when I've had to come a little late on some days. I really, really appreciate you understanding that I need to go through this to help grow our little family.


From here I'll begin recording "part three" and will hopefully share it if/when we get some good news. :)

Our Infertility Journey: Round Three, Part One

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. To raise awareness, I'm going to begin sharing our third fertility journey. 

(If you'd like to read our previous two fertility journeys, scroll down under the "What I write about" section and click on the word "infertility" and you'll actually want to read from the bottom-up to go in order.)

This time around is going to be much different than years past, because the idea of getting pregnant after a loss is extremely terrifying and so exciting at the same time. When I type these blogs, I keep them in a "journal style" to capture my true feelings and thoughts for that day, along with the progress of our fertility treatments. With my past two pregnancies, I've shared all of the posts after knowing I was already pregnant. This time around, I haven't decided how much I want to share. More than ever, I feel like every pregnancy and every life should be celebrated, no matter how long. That being said, it makes me nervous to share every detail while we're going through it. So, I'll be sharing information as I'm comfortable this time around, and I'm not sure what that's going to look like yet. 

I started this blog post just 12 days after we lost our boys because I was trying to look to the future and find something positive and hopeful to focus on. I have no idea where this third journey is going to take us. I feel like it's the scariest one so far: 


February 17

After the miscarriage of our twin boys at 19 weeks and 4 days, it was never a question in my mind or Tim's mind about whether or not we'd try again. We could not have this tragedy stop our family from growing like we always wanted it to. We both agreed that as soon as my body was ready, and our emotions were ready, that we'd start trying again.

I'm very happy to say that the wheels are already in motion on expanding our family again. It gives me hope. It gives me something to look forward to. Surprisingly, it makes me excited to go back again because I believe it's possible for me to get pregnant again and I'm having really good feelings about it all right now. 

Yesterday, I was contacted by the fertility clinic letting me know that they heard about what happened from MFM and they asked if we were interested in coming back - of course I said yes! So we set up a follow-up meeting with the fertility doctor for next Wednesday afternoon. Tim and I talked about it last night and we're both looking forward to it. As of right now, our plan/ideas are to go through with another IUI (I'd like to start right off with injections, where we left off last time), and not to do the actual procedure unless there is ONE mature follicle on the correct side. 

When I got pregnant with the boys, there were two mature follicles when I went in for the IUI. One was a little smaller than the other, so I really didn't think it would take, but in the back of my mind, I knew it was a possibility. This time around, I only want to go forward with one follicle at a time. We will never know why we lost our boys, but I don't think my body can handle twins again. Maybe it was the stress of two babies on my "sick" body, maybe it was just that my cervix gave out because of the added weight/pressure of two growing boys - who knows...we never will. But it makes me nervous to go through with another twin pregnancy because everything about Anna's "singleton" pregnancy was perfect and easy. I know my body can handle one baby, so that's the route that I'd personally feel comfortable with.

Our fertility doctor has been very understanding and respectful of our wants/feelings in the past, so I hope that he's open to hear what we have to say and willing to work with us again. :)


February 22
We met with our fertility doctor this afternoon and it went really well. He wants us to wait until I've had two periods before trying again. Originally, I wanted to pick up where we left off (injections & IUI), but now I'm torn...of course.
When I explained to the Dr. that I wanted to try IUI again he completely understood. But when I told him that I was against going through with the IUI if I have more than one mature follicle, he started talking about doing IVF instead. There are a lot more controlled components when it comes to IVF, including the number of fertilized eggs (embryos) that would be put back in my uterus. He feels that we'd be very successful with IVF, which we had discussed in the fall, because it is so controlled and I don't have too many issues beyond the one Fallopian tube. Thankfully we still have time to decide what we want to do. It was really nice discussing our options today because this makes me hopeful and gives me something to look forward to.

I'm torn because we've been successful with IUI, but it could take some time to get the right circumstances for it to work again. With IVF, our time could be shorter, but the process is a bit more intense. As of right now, we're scheduled to do IVF in May, but the more I thought about it after we left, that is probably one of the last months I'd pick to do that because of it being the last month of the school year. So, when I get my first period, they'd like to me to call them and I think I'm going to ask them to push the IVF back to June or July, so I will be less stressed and more available for appointments. Now we have to decide if we want to try an IUI in April and/or May, or just go straight to IVF this time. Again, I'm glad we have time to think about it because its a lot to consider, but I'm so glad we have something to look forward to in the next few months.


March 14
I started spotting last night, finally (5 weeks and one day later)!! I've never wanted a period so bad in my life! I am so ready to get the ball rolling on fertility treatments again, As of right now, after milling our options over in my head several times over the last few weeks, I think I want to go straight to IVF. I am so anxious to get pregnant again because the need to grow our family is so strong. I feel like IVF will get us there the quickest, hopefully. It all depends on my cycles and what my body decides to do that will determine the timing. If it happens in May, great. If we have to wait til June,that's fine, too. I just hope that my spotting turns into a full period today! As long as it does, I'll be calling the fertility clinic to let them know and see what our next steps are.


March 27
So far so good, my body had a regular period for a few days and I'm probably about 2-3 weeks out from my next one.


April 6
It's been two months, yesterday, since the boys were born. According to my fertility tracker app, my period should be starting next week. That would be nice because I have next week off for spring break, so if I have to have any appointments at the fertility clinic, my schedule is wide open. This will be my second period, meaning we'd get the ball rolling on IVF, starting with birth control (weird, right?!) which is ready and waiting with all of my other meds.
IVF is starting to feel within grasp now and it's making me a little nervous when I think about the intensity of everything - lots of shots and new meds, possible over-stimulation, retrieval, transfer, etc... It makes me nervous that the process is going to be stressful and emotional, but I have to keep my eye on the end goal which is expanding our family. I hope that when I do get my period and the clinic checks my body, everything looks good to begin in May.

Our (In)Fertility Journey: Round Two, Part Three.

Saturday, September 24
I had my cyst-check on Monday right after work, and thankfully everything looked clear. :) I also missed two days of birth control while camping, oops, so my period actually started the day I went in for the cyst check - convenient! They took some blood work and told me that I'd most likely start my injection on Wednesday, as long as my blood work checked out. Again, thankfully, everything was fine and my meds shipped Wednesday afternoon so I was able to give myself the first one that night. I'm scheduled to go back for a scan on Monday again to check the progress of my follicles. I'm definitely having mixed emotions. This is our last chance to get pregnant the IUI route so I'm very hopeful, but I'm also pretty much hopeless because we've had basically nothing but bad luck since May. Monday's appointment is going to show us whether we can have hope for this final IUI or not, so we'll see.

In other news, in the three week birth control period, I got a call from the fertility clinic saying that Tim and I needed to attend an IVF informational meeting one evening. So we arranged to have Anna stay the night at Grandma's so we could have a nice hot date learning about IVF in detail. The meeting was actually very informative and I felt like it gave Tim and I a lot of information to talk about, and what to look forward, too. I feel like it prepared me to go through IVF mentally. I mean, it's not too much more than what I'm doing now (as far as meds), but it also looks like it's going to be quite a bit more emotionally involved. I've definitely comes to terms with going the IVF route, and I think it helped get Tim a bit closer to my side, too.

Thursday, October 6
My first scan after the injections wasn't very informative. It showed that follicles were growing on each side, but neither side had a dominate or large follicle just yet. They asked me to come back on Friday, where our results were pretty similar. I had 2-3 follicles (some on each side!!) measuring about 12mm, and they need to be 18-20mm to be considered mature and ready for ovulation. I was told to come back the following Monday.
I went in on Monday for another ultrasound and they always look at the right ovary first. There was a large follicle measuring about 17mm on the right side, and one a little bit smaller. The tech remarked how I looked like I was almost ready to trigger, but I was a little frustrated because my follicle was on the right again. Then she went over to the left side and there were two big follicles!!! It's the first time since May that I've produced a mature-sized follicle on my left side! One was measuring 17mm and the other was just a bit smaller. I was so excited - we finally had our chance!! When she was done, the tech went to get a nurse to discuss next steps. The nurse told me to trigger Wednesday night for an IUI on Thursday at 10am.
Here I am, Thursday afternoon, relaxing at home after the IUI this morning. The last couple days and this morning I've been feeling a dull pain/cramping/discomfort in my ovary area, so I'm hoping that's a good sign that my body is preparing itself properly. My hopes are so high for this cycle! It's the first time I've ovulated from my left side, and when we were trying with Anna, each time we did an IUI with a follicle on the left it worked (one did for a couple days, and the other full term), so I'm this will be just what we need...we'll find out in two weeks.

Friday, October 14th
I'm 8 days past my IUI and I am driving myself CRAZY symptom spotting every little feeling! The day of and the day after the IUI, I felt more bloated/crampy/uncomfortable than I remember with previous IUIs. I asked the fertility doctor about it right before the procedure, but he said that it was just my body's way of preparing itself.

Just days after, I was feeling some discomfort towards the middle-left side of my uterus. I was feeling some tight, pulling pains, kind of like round ligament pains. This Wednesday morning I noticed my boobs were feeling slightly sore near my armpit area. The sensation increased a bit yesterday and today...even sometimes getting that feeling right before having a let-down when nursing (obviously I'm won't, but I haven't felt that in a long time!). The soreness has even moved just the sides to towards the top, as well. After talking about all of my weird feelings with a couple good friends, I couldn't wait any longer and took a pregnancy test this afternoon. I really didn't think it would show anything because it's still so early, but I just had to try. Of course it was negative, but I'm not feeling disappointed. In fact, I just placed an order for 20 test strips that should be here by Monday or Tuesday! :)

I really have a good feeling about this, just from the signs from my body. But, if this doesn't work, I am honestly going to be devastated because in my mind, right now, I'm pregnant. I'll continue to test all week because it's going to be on my mind constantly (still) until I know a for-sure answer. If I'm feeling all of this and I get my period next week, it's going to crush me. It's also going to make me think I am a bit crazy for thinking myself into being pregnant and having these feeling for nothing....let's hope that's not the case.

Monday, October 17th
11 days post IUI and I took a dollar store test this morning that had the faintest second line I have ever seen!!!! I'm super excited, but still a little cautious. It's still very early and I don't want to go telling the world yet because of what happened the first "successful" IUI back in 2013. I will know for sure on Thursday when I go get blood work. I will continue to take a test every day this week, and hope the line gets darker, until I'm able to get to Springfield on Thursday (day 14). This morning's test just verifies, for me, that I'm NOT CRAZY and what have been feeling is real!! This has NOT set in yet, but it's exciting just typing it out!

Thursday, October 20th
I'm pregnant!!! I've been taking tests all week and they've slowly been getting darker. This morning I went to the fertility clinic to get blood work done since today is two weeks since my IUI. I anxiously awaited the call all day to hear what my levels were, checking my phone a million times throughout the day. I even called at 12:30 during my recess and at 2:30 after school with no luck, just reaching the secretary who couldn't find an available nurse. They finally called me at 3:00pm and the nurse immediately started with, "How are you feeling?" I said,"Umm...pregnant!" She laughed and said, "Well you are!" I asked what my number was and again, she laughed while saying 449.

*When I was 14 days post IUI with Anna, my number was a 189, so I was very shocked to hear such a high number. I immediately asked. "Uhh...does that mean there's more than one?!" And she replied that there could be....what?!?! I couldn't believe it!! I was expecting to hear a good number because of the way I had been feeling for the past week, and I jokingly threw around the idea with a friend, but I was completely surprised to hear there could be more than one baby growing!

The nurse was SO happy for me and was so sweet on the phone! She kept saying how excited she was for me and how "it really did just need to be on that side". (Tim was right!) She told me my Progesterone level was "greater than 40" which is excellent. They want it to be between 18-20. I asked if it was higher because of the possibility of multiples, but she said no, it's just a really healthy pregnancy. :-) **I'm still shaking my head in disbelief as I'm writing this!**

Once I contained myself a bit (my hands were getting sweaty just talking to her on the phone), I asked what the next steps were. They want to see me back on Monday morning for another blood test. My hormone level should double every 24 hours or so, which means my number should be around 3,600 when they call me back Monday afternoon. And if everything goes well Monday, we'll schedule our first scan for two weeks later...which is when we're really find out how many babies we're talking about here!! She also told me that I may feel nauseous since my hormone levels are so high - so far, so good there (although I'm already feeling like my nose is on high alert).

After I hung up the phone, I just sat there in disbelief. I didn't want to tell Tim over the phone because I wanted to see his reaction, so instead I called one of my CF friends who's been helping me through the last two long weeks waiting for this result. She was just as shocked as I was about the possibility of two babies, but was also so excited. Then, of course, I had to call Catie! Again...you could hear the surprise and disbelief in her voice, too! The more I talked about it...it still didn't sink in. It felt weird using words like "they" and "them" instead of "it".

I composed myself enough to get some work done at school before heading home. I couldn't wait for Tim and Anna to come home!! They got here right as I finished up my treatments. I couldn't hold it in very long and had to tell Tim right away. His face was hilarious! It was just for a split second, but the look of shock (and maybe a little panic ;) ) was there and then gone. He's mister non-emotional and didn't really say too much about it, but kept reminding me that we don't know for sure yet. He always thinks I'm crazy for getting to ahead of myself. Of course I was thinking about trying to come up with two baby names, him making another crib, where we're going to fit all of their stuff, how I'm going to breastfeed two babies, etc and he would just shake his head. Haha! I know that it's a possibility that it could be one baby, and that's totally okay with me. The idea of having two babies (and a three year old) is a little scary right now, but if that happens, that we'll deal with it.

I also called my CF doctor tonight to get her in the loop. She was SO happy and of course, surprised when I mentioned the possibility of two. She said that I'm on the extremely healthy side of CF and she sees me just like she would any other woman walking around carrying two little babies, so she's not too worried. We discussed me staying on Kalydeco for this pregnancy because I didn't feel comfortable coming off of it and she told that she supports my decision which I really appreciate. There aren't any medications that I need to stop at the moment, and I go back for a routine visit November 10th (which is most likely the week I'll have my first scan), so we'll just make sure everything's looking good lung function-wise. I've been feeling really good lately, so I hope it continues over the next nine months and beyond.

So I'm done telling people - friends and family will find out eventually. Either when I get too big to hide it or when we decide to make our announcement. I am REALLY looking forward to our first scan and seeing what we're dealing with - it'll feel so much more real then! I am so excited for Anna to be a big sister. She is going to be the BEST! She loves babies and will be such a big helper. I am beyond excited right now that I feel like I can go on and on all night, but I'm stopping here! :)


Monday, October 24th
This morning I have my next blood draw to make sure everything is progressing well. I've been very relaxed over the weekend about everything. I even threw away the pregnancy tests I've done and only took one more to see if the line would get any darker - it barely did. I'm still feeling alright - no sickness or nausea. Some smells are worse than others (like popcorn, gross!), but I haven't felt like I've been going to puke, yet. Sometimes when I'm switching my position during my sleep, I feel a little pull or cramp in my uterus area, so I'm sure it's already starting to grow and stretch. I just want to know if we're talking about "it" or "them". I'm hoping that we'll schedule the ultrasound today, so that I at least have that date to look forward to. :)

Friday, October 28th
So the fertility clinic never called me back on Monday afternoon, so I ended up calling them Tuesday morning. My HCG level was 1,549 and my progesterone was 40. These are still excellent numbers! We have our first ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday, November 9th, and I'll be a day shy of seven weeks then. I'm SO excited!! I really want to know how many babies are in there! My HCG levels are still considered high, so we'll see...

Our (In)Fertility Journey: Round Two, Part Two.

Feeling a little nervous about the way the last post ended....nothing compared to how nervous I was about this meeting! It was mid-cycle in July. This round of treatments had been canceled pending this meeting.

I asked Tim to take off work for this so he could be there to support me and hear our new plan of action. We discussed the first issue of how I had been ovulating on the wrong side for the past three months. Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing a fertility clinic can do to have my body ovulate on a specific side - that was just up to my body. 

Another major issue that was brought to my attention was my uterine lining, or lack there of. Apparently in June and July, my uterine lining was "too thin" to sustain a pregnancy. So why they had me try an IUI in June I'm not really sure, but I didn't think of that until after we left. The oral drug, Fermara, I had been taking was supposed to help stimulate follicle growth as well as my lining, but it wasn't doing it's job and/or my body wasn't responding properly. This just blew my mind because it's exactly what we used to get pregnant with Anna, so why wouldn't it be working now? Mentally and emotionally, I wasn't ready for IVF yet. It was nearing the beginning of the school year which is one of the most stressful times of the year. I didn't want to use up all of my sick days for IVF appointments, and emotionally, I just wasn't ready to give up in IUI yet. It had worked before, why not now?! Thankfully, there was one more option left before IVF. 

After explaining to the doctor that I wasn't ready to start IVF yet, he said that there was one more thing we could try before IVF. We'd pursue IUI, but instead of taking Fermara, I'd do an injectable hormone. They'd put me on a low dose so I didn't over-stimulate, I'd still do the Ovidrel trigger shot and we'd still do an IUI as in cycles previous. I'd have to do a daily injection and have a couple more ultrasounds (plus blood work each time) to monitor my ovaries. The biggest concern was over-stimulation and a multiple pregnancy. Because of my CF, my fertility doctor (and high risk OB, but not as much) really wants to avoid a multiple pregnancy. I agreed to do the injectable hormones because I really wanted to keep trying for an IUI. We made a plan - we'd try the IUI with injectables and if I wasn't pregnant in October, then we'd take November off to prepare for IVF in December over Christmas break. This would allow us three more rounds (August, September and October) to try an IUI, and put my IVF over Christmas break which should help reduce the number of days I'd have to take off work for appointments. 

I was very thankful that the doctor was so understanding and that he listened to our wants and needs. I also appreciate that he is looking out for our best interest. He feels like we'd be very successful with IVF because we wouldn't have to worry about which side I'm ovulating on and because he thinks I'd respond to the medications well, but I just wasn't ready yet. Leaving that appointment, I felt very good. I loved the feeling of having a plan and I was glad that we still had a few IUI cycles left to try. I was very hopefully that the injectable medication would be exactly what we needed. 

Fast forward a couple weeks to the beginning of August when my cycle started again. I had to get in for my baseline ultrasound between days 1-3 of my cycle because I had to start the injectables earlier in my cycle than the oral meds. *In the last two weeks, the fertility clinic had contacted my insurance to get me approved for the injectable medication. Of course when they called to order it when my cycle started, that couldn't be an easy task either. My cycle started on a Wednesday and they wanted me to begin the injections that Friday night. I was on the phone with several different people Wednesday and Thursday trying to get this medication over-nighted to me by Friday and they were all giving me the run around. Then I found out that the medication that was prescribed wasn't covered by my insurance and it would cost thousands of dollars out of pocket -- that wasn't an option. So then I had to call the fertility clinic back to see if I could take the "generic" kind. Thankfully the nurse was amazing and got it all straightened out for me and my meds arrive on Friday afternoon. 

So, the injections weren't too bad. It was only one a day and the needle wasn't big. They were also preloaded in a cartridge which was really nice. I went into the fertility clinic a few days after starting. My follicles were responding well, but it looked like my biggest one(s) were going to be on the WRONG side AGAIN! I went back a few days later to double check and I had two huge follicles on the wrong side and one just under the wanted measurement on the correct side. I was almost in tears during the ultrasound. I was SO frustrated!!! They wanted me to do an IUI anyway (again). My lining responded perfectly to the medication and the doctor said there's always a chance that one of the follicles to move to the other side where my fallopian tube was (they've seen it happen, just not often). So, I actually triggered that night and we went in for the IUI on a Sunday, the day before I went back to school. Perfect timing. 

The whole week after the IUI I felt weird. I was having random cramping throughout the week and just felt a little off. The whole next week I felt absolutely nothing. Even though the start of the year was keeping me very busy, it was always on the back of my mind. We were running out of time. If this one didn't work, the next one would probably make me use a sick day or two for appointments - which is a sick day or two less saved up for maternity leave. On day twelve of my two week wait, I had some brown discharge which had me thinking in both extremes. Either it was implantation bleeding or the start of my period. Of course, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I convinced myself to chill out because it was still early. I didn't have any discharge on day thirteen and did not take a test. Day fourteen came and I couldn't bring myself to take a test. I didn't want to be disappointed yet again. The whole day, off and on, I was having brown spotting. It was driving me crazy because my period wouldn't just start already, so I kept going back and forth getting my hopes up that it was implantation bleeding. Finally, around dinner time, my period came on full-fledged, so I didn't have to think about it anymore. I can't say I was surprised, because again, we didn't have the right circumstances, but I really had my hopes up that first week after feeling so weird. 

So, I called the fertility clinic the next day (Monday) to start my second round of injectables. The night before, I was thinking to myself "we have two more months; two more shots to get this right before IVF". I was able to get an appointment for my baseline scan right after work. I headed over to the fertility clinic and during the scan, there looked to be a huge follicle on my correct side. For a split second I thought to myself, "Finally! Let's do this! Let's trigger for an IUI!" But I quickly realized that I just started my period, so there was no way I could already have a mature follicle - that's when I knew something was wrong. The girl who was doing my scan was obviously new because it took her forever and I could tell she didn't want to say much. When I asked her if it was a follicle already, she reluctantly said no, that it was a cyst. I knew it couldn't be a good sign. When she was finished, she told me to wait there until a nurse came to talk with me about next steps. 

The nurse was really nice, but you could tell she felt bad. She told me that the cyst isn't uncommon after all of the meds I had been on recently. She said that if we went ahead with this cycle and the injectables, that all of the hormones would go straight to the cyst which would just make it bigger. I had to start on birth control (what?!) to help get rid of the cyst. Apparently that helps get rid of them. I'd take a low dose birth control for three weeks, go back for a "cyst check", and if it was gone, I'd stop the birth control and wait for my cycle to begin again. While holding back the tears (emotional much?), I asked if we'd still have time to do one more cycle? I wasn't sure if we had to be pregnant by October, or if we could still try in October to be pregnant in November. She said that since my cycle will likely start towards the end of September, we'd still have time to try one more time before taking November off to prepare for IVF. And in that short time, "two more months" quickly turned into "one more month". 

So here we are, I've been on the birth control for just over a week now. I haven't had any side effects from it, but I'm so ready to be done. It is a little nice to not be stressed this month with fertility appointments, it's frustrating that we only have one more shot at IUI. Realistically, we could post-pone our IVF, but it takes months to get on the list (we were put on the list in July for December) because it fills up so fast. I can't put this off any longer. I'm at a point right now where I feel like IVF is just the way we have to go, and I really have a strong feeling that it's going to work for us because so many of the factors are controlled. Tim's struggling to accept IVF as our route. He feels like it's our last chance and doesn't want to give up on IUI when we haven't even had the correct circumstances. I completely understand where he's coming from, and I'm really bummed that IUI most likely isn't going to work for us this time, but emotionally and mentally, I don't know how many more rounds of it I can go through. He wants to keep trying month after month until my left ovary decides to get itself in gear, but we're already going on month five and I'm getting so drained. I don't think he completely understands how emotionally exhausting it is for me every month - he's better at controlling his emotions and not getting his hopes up than I am. But it's also not his body. I feel like my body is failing, and if there's another option that could potentially work better, than I think that's the route we have to take. I feel like people who don't go through fertility don't have a clue what couples go through. They don't realize how taxing it is on a relationship. I am so lucky that Tim has been so supportive throughout this entire process, and even talks about having a third child (which means he's willing to go through all of this again) one day. We'll see what the future brings, and we have to take this journey one step at a time. It's only something that him and I can decide together which is why we don't share much while we're going through it. 

Our (In)Fertility Journey - Part Two

To read "Part One" please click here.

After getting settled into our new rental house, setting up my classroom, and starting a brand new job teaching Kindergarten, you'd think the last thing on my mind would be getting pregnant - of course not! It's something I've always wanted and I knew it wasn't going to happen without help. I learned that one of my teacher partners was currently going through fertility treatments and decided to confide in her everything that we had gone through and asked where she was getting her fertility help from. She referred us to a wonderful clinic about 45 minutes from our new town. In late October 2012, I had my first consultation with the head nurse at the clinic.

The consultation went very well, in my opinion. I explained everything that we had been through with the genetic counselor, and the Clomid and she wanted to take a step back, dig deeper, and figure out why I wasn't getting pregnant before just putting me on some hormones. Good idea! I already liked this clinic better! And, when I asked if they had experience with CF and pregnancy, she told me she had a woman with CF in the previous day who was working towards her second pregnancy - awesome! :-) So over the next couple months I had several tests done including lots of blood work and a procedure called an HSG, and Tim had to get a semen analysis done - just to make sure he wasn't the problem. During my HSG, they inserted dye into my uterus and through my Fallopian tubes to make sure that they weren't blocked or obstructed in any way. They took x-rays the whole time to watch the dye to make sure it flowed through my tubes properly. The procedure itself wasn't too terrible, just some mild cramping during. After the procedure (which was done by an extremely pregnant doctor...of course), the doctor told me that she noticed some slight dilating in my tubes, but otherwise everything looked fine. She didn't go into detail about what that meant, so I was under the impression that this "dilating" wasn't going to be a problem...

At the end of December, a couple days before Christmas, we finally met with the fertility doctor who went over the results of all of the testing we had done over the past couple months. Tim's semen sample was pretty good, some of his sperm were not fully mature, but he said he had a big enough sample of ones that were, that he wasn't too concerned. He referred Tim to a male reproductive specialist who didn't give him too much information. Tim ended up researching online how to make his sample better, and started taking some vitamins. When he had a repeat test done a couple months later, his sample was completely normal. :) If only my issues were solved with a few extra vitamins...

The fertility doctor then explained that my hormone levels looked normal, but my tubes did not. He said that they were filled with an "embryo-toxic fluid" called hydrosalpinx which is harmful to my follicles and any embryo that tried to implant in my uterus. He said it would be best if we just "took them out". And I think that I was in such shock from trying to absorb all of this that I misunderstood what he said and thought he meant we had to take out my whole female reproductive system! I started crying while he was talking because I though "this is it, I'm never going to be able to have kids. They just have to rip everything out of me." That was not the case. He re-explained it to me, assuring me that we could still get pregnant even if I didn't have Fallopian tubes, we just couldn't do it naturally - it'd have to be through IVF.

The job of the Fallopian tubes is to bring the mature follicle to the uterus to wait for sperm to fertilize it. Without Fallopian tubes, there's no way the mature follicle could get to the uterus which meant there would be no way to naturally get pregnant. The IVF would help me produce mature follicles, then they would have to surgically be removed from my ovaries, Tim would give a semen sample, and our egg & sperm would be fertilized in a lab, and once it was mature enough, it would be inserted (through a catheter) back into my uterus to hopefully implant itself.

The plan was to have a laparoscopic surgery, which would be minimally invasive with two or three tiny incisions, to remove my Fallopian tubes. Once we decided to do the surgery though, there was obviously no going back - we would have to get pregnant through IVF. We left the appointment with a lot of information to digest and a surgery scheduled for the end of February to remove my tubes.