Our Infertility Journey: Round Three, Part One

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. To raise awareness, I'm going to begin sharing our third fertility journey. 

(If you'd like to read our previous two fertility journeys, scroll down under the "What I write about" section and click on the word "infertility" and you'll actually want to read from the bottom-up to go in order.)

This time around is going to be much different than years past, because the idea of getting pregnant after a loss is extremely terrifying and so exciting at the same time. When I type these blogs, I keep them in a "journal style" to capture my true feelings and thoughts for that day, along with the progress of our fertility treatments. With my past two pregnancies, I've shared all of the posts after knowing I was already pregnant. This time around, I haven't decided how much I want to share. More than ever, I feel like every pregnancy and every life should be celebrated, no matter how long. That being said, it makes me nervous to share every detail while we're going through it. So, I'll be sharing information as I'm comfortable this time around, and I'm not sure what that's going to look like yet. 

I started this blog post just 12 days after we lost our boys because I was trying to look to the future and find something positive and hopeful to focus on. I have no idea where this third journey is going to take us. I feel like it's the scariest one so far: 


February 17

After the miscarriage of our twin boys at 19 weeks and 4 days, it was never a question in my mind or Tim's mind about whether or not we'd try again. We could not have this tragedy stop our family from growing like we always wanted it to. We both agreed that as soon as my body was ready, and our emotions were ready, that we'd start trying again.

I'm very happy to say that the wheels are already in motion on expanding our family again. It gives me hope. It gives me something to look forward to. Surprisingly, it makes me excited to go back again because I believe it's possible for me to get pregnant again and I'm having really good feelings about it all right now. 

Yesterday, I was contacted by the fertility clinic letting me know that they heard about what happened from MFM and they asked if we were interested in coming back - of course I said yes! So we set up a follow-up meeting with the fertility doctor for next Wednesday afternoon. Tim and I talked about it last night and we're both looking forward to it. As of right now, our plan/ideas are to go through with another IUI (I'd like to start right off with injections, where we left off last time), and not to do the actual procedure unless there is ONE mature follicle on the correct side. 

When I got pregnant with the boys, there were two mature follicles when I went in for the IUI. One was a little smaller than the other, so I really didn't think it would take, but in the back of my mind, I knew it was a possibility. This time around, I only want to go forward with one follicle at a time. We will never know why we lost our boys, but I don't think my body can handle twins again. Maybe it was the stress of two babies on my "sick" body, maybe it was just that my cervix gave out because of the added weight/pressure of two growing boys - who knows...we never will. But it makes me nervous to go through with another twin pregnancy because everything about Anna's "singleton" pregnancy was perfect and easy. I know my body can handle one baby, so that's the route that I'd personally feel comfortable with.

Our fertility doctor has been very understanding and respectful of our wants/feelings in the past, so I hope that he's open to hear what we have to say and willing to work with us again. :)


February 22
We met with our fertility doctor this afternoon and it went really well. He wants us to wait until I've had two periods before trying again. Originally, I wanted to pick up where we left off (injections & IUI), but now I'm torn...of course.
When I explained to the Dr. that I wanted to try IUI again he completely understood. But when I told him that I was against going through with the IUI if I have more than one mature follicle, he started talking about doing IVF instead. There are a lot more controlled components when it comes to IVF, including the number of fertilized eggs (embryos) that would be put back in my uterus. He feels that we'd be very successful with IVF, which we had discussed in the fall, because it is so controlled and I don't have too many issues beyond the one Fallopian tube. Thankfully we still have time to decide what we want to do. It was really nice discussing our options today because this makes me hopeful and gives me something to look forward to.

I'm torn because we've been successful with IUI, but it could take some time to get the right circumstances for it to work again. With IVF, our time could be shorter, but the process is a bit more intense. As of right now, we're scheduled to do IVF in May, but the more I thought about it after we left, that is probably one of the last months I'd pick to do that because of it being the last month of the school year. So, when I get my first period, they'd like to me to call them and I think I'm going to ask them to push the IVF back to June or July, so I will be less stressed and more available for appointments. Now we have to decide if we want to try an IUI in April and/or May, or just go straight to IVF this time. Again, I'm glad we have time to think about it because its a lot to consider, but I'm so glad we have something to look forward to in the next few months.


March 14
I started spotting last night, finally (5 weeks and one day later)!! I've never wanted a period so bad in my life! I am so ready to get the ball rolling on fertility treatments again, As of right now, after milling our options over in my head several times over the last few weeks, I think I want to go straight to IVF. I am so anxious to get pregnant again because the need to grow our family is so strong. I feel like IVF will get us there the quickest, hopefully. It all depends on my cycles and what my body decides to do that will determine the timing. If it happens in May, great. If we have to wait til June,that's fine, too. I just hope that my spotting turns into a full period today! As long as it does, I'll be calling the fertility clinic to let them know and see what our next steps are.


March 27
So far so good, my body had a regular period for a few days and I'm probably about 2-3 weeks out from my next one.


April 6
It's been two months, yesterday, since the boys were born. According to my fertility tracker app, my period should be starting next week. That would be nice because I have next week off for spring break, so if I have to have any appointments at the fertility clinic, my schedule is wide open. This will be my second period, meaning we'd get the ball rolling on IVF, starting with birth control (weird, right?!) which is ready and waiting with all of my other meds.
IVF is starting to feel within grasp now and it's making me a little nervous when I think about the intensity of everything - lots of shots and new meds, possible over-stimulation, retrieval, transfer, etc... It makes me nervous that the process is going to be stressful and emotional, but I have to keep my eye on the end goal which is expanding our family. I hope that when I do get my period and the clinic checks my body, everything looks good to begin in May.

Our (In)Fertility Journey: Round Two, Part Three.

Saturday, September 24
I had my cyst-check on Monday right after work, and thankfully everything looked clear. :) I also missed two days of birth control while camping, oops, so my period actually started the day I went in for the cyst check - convenient! They took some blood work and told me that I'd most likely start my injection on Wednesday, as long as my blood work checked out. Again, thankfully, everything was fine and my meds shipped Wednesday afternoon so I was able to give myself the first one that night. I'm scheduled to go back for a scan on Monday again to check the progress of my follicles. I'm definitely having mixed emotions. This is our last chance to get pregnant the IUI route so I'm very hopeful, but I'm also pretty much hopeless because we've had basically nothing but bad luck since May. Monday's appointment is going to show us whether we can have hope for this final IUI or not, so we'll see.

In other news, in the three week birth control period, I got a call from the fertility clinic saying that Tim and I needed to attend an IVF informational meeting one evening. So we arranged to have Anna stay the night at Grandma's so we could have a nice hot date learning about IVF in detail. The meeting was actually very informative and I felt like it gave Tim and I a lot of information to talk about, and what to look forward, too. I feel like it prepared me to go through IVF mentally. I mean, it's not too much more than what I'm doing now (as far as meds), but it also looks like it's going to be quite a bit more emotionally involved. I've definitely comes to terms with going the IVF route, and I think it helped get Tim a bit closer to my side, too.

Thursday, October 6
My first scan after the injections wasn't very informative. It showed that follicles were growing on each side, but neither side had a dominate or large follicle just yet. They asked me to come back on Friday, where our results were pretty similar. I had 2-3 follicles (some on each side!!) measuring about 12mm, and they need to be 18-20mm to be considered mature and ready for ovulation. I was told to come back the following Monday.
I went in on Monday for another ultrasound and they always look at the right ovary first. There was a large follicle measuring about 17mm on the right side, and one a little bit smaller. The tech remarked how I looked like I was almost ready to trigger, but I was a little frustrated because my follicle was on the right again. Then she went over to the left side and there were two big follicles!!! It's the first time since May that I've produced a mature-sized follicle on my left side! One was measuring 17mm and the other was just a bit smaller. I was so excited - we finally had our chance!! When she was done, the tech went to get a nurse to discuss next steps. The nurse told me to trigger Wednesday night for an IUI on Thursday at 10am.
Here I am, Thursday afternoon, relaxing at home after the IUI this morning. The last couple days and this morning I've been feeling a dull pain/cramping/discomfort in my ovary area, so I'm hoping that's a good sign that my body is preparing itself properly. My hopes are so high for this cycle! It's the first time I've ovulated from my left side, and when we were trying with Anna, each time we did an IUI with a follicle on the left it worked (one did for a couple days, and the other full term), so I'm this will be just what we need...we'll find out in two weeks.

Friday, October 14th
I'm 8 days past my IUI and I am driving myself CRAZY symptom spotting every little feeling! The day of and the day after the IUI, I felt more bloated/crampy/uncomfortable than I remember with previous IUIs. I asked the fertility doctor about it right before the procedure, but he said that it was just my body's way of preparing itself.

Just days after, I was feeling some discomfort towards the middle-left side of my uterus. I was feeling some tight, pulling pains, kind of like round ligament pains. This Wednesday morning I noticed my boobs were feeling slightly sore near my armpit area. The sensation increased a bit yesterday and today...even sometimes getting that feeling right before having a let-down when nursing (obviously I'm won't, but I haven't felt that in a long time!). The soreness has even moved just the sides to towards the top, as well. After talking about all of my weird feelings with a couple good friends, I couldn't wait any longer and took a pregnancy test this afternoon. I really didn't think it would show anything because it's still so early, but I just had to try. Of course it was negative, but I'm not feeling disappointed. In fact, I just placed an order for 20 test strips that should be here by Monday or Tuesday! :)

I really have a good feeling about this, just from the signs from my body. But, if this doesn't work, I am honestly going to be devastated because in my mind, right now, I'm pregnant. I'll continue to test all week because it's going to be on my mind constantly (still) until I know a for-sure answer. If I'm feeling all of this and I get my period next week, it's going to crush me. It's also going to make me think I am a bit crazy for thinking myself into being pregnant and having these feeling for nothing....let's hope that's not the case.

Monday, October 17th
11 days post IUI and I took a dollar store test this morning that had the faintest second line I have ever seen!!!! I'm super excited, but still a little cautious. It's still very early and I don't want to go telling the world yet because of what happened the first "successful" IUI back in 2013. I will know for sure on Thursday when I go get blood work. I will continue to take a test every day this week, and hope the line gets darker, until I'm able to get to Springfield on Thursday (day 14). This morning's test just verifies, for me, that I'm NOT CRAZY and what have been feeling is real!! This has NOT set in yet, but it's exciting just typing it out!

Thursday, October 20th
I'm pregnant!!! I've been taking tests all week and they've slowly been getting darker. This morning I went to the fertility clinic to get blood work done since today is two weeks since my IUI. I anxiously awaited the call all day to hear what my levels were, checking my phone a million times throughout the day. I even called at 12:30 during my recess and at 2:30 after school with no luck, just reaching the secretary who couldn't find an available nurse. They finally called me at 3:00pm and the nurse immediately started with, "How are you feeling?" I said,"Umm...pregnant!" She laughed and said, "Well you are!" I asked what my number was and again, she laughed while saying 449.

*When I was 14 days post IUI with Anna, my number was a 189, so I was very shocked to hear such a high number. I immediately asked. "Uhh...does that mean there's more than one?!" And she replied that there could be....what?!?! I couldn't believe it!! I was expecting to hear a good number because of the way I had been feeling for the past week, and I jokingly threw around the idea with a friend, but I was completely surprised to hear there could be more than one baby growing!

The nurse was SO happy for me and was so sweet on the phone! She kept saying how excited she was for me and how "it really did just need to be on that side". (Tim was right!) She told me my Progesterone level was "greater than 40" which is excellent. They want it to be between 18-20. I asked if it was higher because of the possibility of multiples, but she said no, it's just a really healthy pregnancy. :-) **I'm still shaking my head in disbelief as I'm writing this!**

Once I contained myself a bit (my hands were getting sweaty just talking to her on the phone), I asked what the next steps were. They want to see me back on Monday morning for another blood test. My hormone level should double every 24 hours or so, which means my number should be around 3,600 when they call me back Monday afternoon. And if everything goes well Monday, we'll schedule our first scan for two weeks later...which is when we're really find out how many babies we're talking about here!! She also told me that I may feel nauseous since my hormone levels are so high - so far, so good there (although I'm already feeling like my nose is on high alert).

After I hung up the phone, I just sat there in disbelief. I didn't want to tell Tim over the phone because I wanted to see his reaction, so instead I called one of my CF friends who's been helping me through the last two long weeks waiting for this result. She was just as shocked as I was about the possibility of two babies, but was also so excited. Then, of course, I had to call Catie! Again...you could hear the surprise and disbelief in her voice, too! The more I talked about it...it still didn't sink in. It felt weird using words like "they" and "them" instead of "it".

I composed myself enough to get some work done at school before heading home. I couldn't wait for Tim and Anna to come home!! They got here right as I finished up my treatments. I couldn't hold it in very long and had to tell Tim right away. His face was hilarious! It was just for a split second, but the look of shock (and maybe a little panic ;) ) was there and then gone. He's mister non-emotional and didn't really say too much about it, but kept reminding me that we don't know for sure yet. He always thinks I'm crazy for getting to ahead of myself. Of course I was thinking about trying to come up with two baby names, him making another crib, where we're going to fit all of their stuff, how I'm going to breastfeed two babies, etc and he would just shake his head. Haha! I know that it's a possibility that it could be one baby, and that's totally okay with me. The idea of having two babies (and a three year old) is a little scary right now, but if that happens, that we'll deal with it.

I also called my CF doctor tonight to get her in the loop. She was SO happy and of course, surprised when I mentioned the possibility of two. She said that I'm on the extremely healthy side of CF and she sees me just like she would any other woman walking around carrying two little babies, so she's not too worried. We discussed me staying on Kalydeco for this pregnancy because I didn't feel comfortable coming off of it and she told that she supports my decision which I really appreciate. There aren't any medications that I need to stop at the moment, and I go back for a routine visit November 10th (which is most likely the week I'll have my first scan), so we'll just make sure everything's looking good lung function-wise. I've been feeling really good lately, so I hope it continues over the next nine months and beyond.

So I'm done telling people - friends and family will find out eventually. Either when I get too big to hide it or when we decide to make our announcement. I am REALLY looking forward to our first scan and seeing what we're dealing with - it'll feel so much more real then! I am so excited for Anna to be a big sister. She is going to be the BEST! She loves babies and will be such a big helper. I am beyond excited right now that I feel like I can go on and on all night, but I'm stopping here! :)


Monday, October 24th
This morning I have my next blood draw to make sure everything is progressing well. I've been very relaxed over the weekend about everything. I even threw away the pregnancy tests I've done and only took one more to see if the line would get any darker - it barely did. I'm still feeling alright - no sickness or nausea. Some smells are worse than others (like popcorn, gross!), but I haven't felt like I've been going to puke, yet. Sometimes when I'm switching my position during my sleep, I feel a little pull or cramp in my uterus area, so I'm sure it's already starting to grow and stretch. I just want to know if we're talking about "it" or "them". I'm hoping that we'll schedule the ultrasound today, so that I at least have that date to look forward to. :)

Friday, October 28th
So the fertility clinic never called me back on Monday afternoon, so I ended up calling them Tuesday morning. My HCG level was 1,549 and my progesterone was 40. These are still excellent numbers! We have our first ultrasound scheduled for Wednesday, November 9th, and I'll be a day shy of seven weeks then. I'm SO excited!! I really want to know how many babies are in there! My HCG levels are still considered high, so we'll see...

Our (In)Fertility Journey: Round Two, Part Two.

Feeling a little nervous about the way the last post ended....nothing compared to how nervous I was about this meeting! It was mid-cycle in July. This round of treatments had been canceled pending this meeting.

I asked Tim to take off work for this so he could be there to support me and hear our new plan of action. We discussed the first issue of how I had been ovulating on the wrong side for the past three months. Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing a fertility clinic can do to have my body ovulate on a specific side - that was just up to my body. 

Another major issue that was brought to my attention was my uterine lining, or lack there of. Apparently in June and July, my uterine lining was "too thin" to sustain a pregnancy. So why they had me try an IUI in June I'm not really sure, but I didn't think of that until after we left. The oral drug, Fermara, I had been taking was supposed to help stimulate follicle growth as well as my lining, but it wasn't doing it's job and/or my body wasn't responding properly. This just blew my mind because it's exactly what we used to get pregnant with Anna, so why wouldn't it be working now? Mentally and emotionally, I wasn't ready for IVF yet. It was nearing the beginning of the school year which is one of the most stressful times of the year. I didn't want to use up all of my sick days for IVF appointments, and emotionally, I just wasn't ready to give up in IUI yet. It had worked before, why not now?! Thankfully, there was one more option left before IVF. 

After explaining to the doctor that I wasn't ready to start IVF yet, he said that there was one more thing we could try before IVF. We'd pursue IUI, but instead of taking Fermara, I'd do an injectable hormone. They'd put me on a low dose so I didn't over-stimulate, I'd still do the Ovidrel trigger shot and we'd still do an IUI as in cycles previous. I'd have to do a daily injection and have a couple more ultrasounds (plus blood work each time) to monitor my ovaries. The biggest concern was over-stimulation and a multiple pregnancy. Because of my CF, my fertility doctor (and high risk OB, but not as much) really wants to avoid a multiple pregnancy. I agreed to do the injectable hormones because I really wanted to keep trying for an IUI. We made a plan - we'd try the IUI with injectables and if I wasn't pregnant in October, then we'd take November off to prepare for IVF in December over Christmas break. This would allow us three more rounds (August, September and October) to try an IUI, and put my IVF over Christmas break which should help reduce the number of days I'd have to take off work for appointments. 

I was very thankful that the doctor was so understanding and that he listened to our wants and needs. I also appreciate that he is looking out for our best interest. He feels like we'd be very successful with IVF because we wouldn't have to worry about which side I'm ovulating on and because he thinks I'd respond to the medications well, but I just wasn't ready yet. Leaving that appointment, I felt very good. I loved the feeling of having a plan and I was glad that we still had a few IUI cycles left to try. I was very hopefully that the injectable medication would be exactly what we needed. 

Fast forward a couple weeks to the beginning of August when my cycle started again. I had to get in for my baseline ultrasound between days 1-3 of my cycle because I had to start the injectables earlier in my cycle than the oral meds. *In the last two weeks, the fertility clinic had contacted my insurance to get me approved for the injectable medication. Of course when they called to order it when my cycle started, that couldn't be an easy task either. My cycle started on a Wednesday and they wanted me to begin the injections that Friday night. I was on the phone with several different people Wednesday and Thursday trying to get this medication over-nighted to me by Friday and they were all giving me the run around. Then I found out that the medication that was prescribed wasn't covered by my insurance and it would cost thousands of dollars out of pocket -- that wasn't an option. So then I had to call the fertility clinic back to see if I could take the "generic" kind. Thankfully the nurse was amazing and got it all straightened out for me and my meds arrive on Friday afternoon. 

So, the injections weren't too bad. It was only one a day and the needle wasn't big. They were also preloaded in a cartridge which was really nice. I went into the fertility clinic a few days after starting. My follicles were responding well, but it looked like my biggest one(s) were going to be on the WRONG side AGAIN! I went back a few days later to double check and I had two huge follicles on the wrong side and one just under the wanted measurement on the correct side. I was almost in tears during the ultrasound. I was SO frustrated!!! They wanted me to do an IUI anyway (again). My lining responded perfectly to the medication and the doctor said there's always a chance that one of the follicles to move to the other side where my fallopian tube was (they've seen it happen, just not often). So, I actually triggered that night and we went in for the IUI on a Sunday, the day before I went back to school. Perfect timing. 

The whole week after the IUI I felt weird. I was having random cramping throughout the week and just felt a little off. The whole next week I felt absolutely nothing. Even though the start of the year was keeping me very busy, it was always on the back of my mind. We were running out of time. If this one didn't work, the next one would probably make me use a sick day or two for appointments - which is a sick day or two less saved up for maternity leave. On day twelve of my two week wait, I had some brown discharge which had me thinking in both extremes. Either it was implantation bleeding or the start of my period. Of course, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I convinced myself to chill out because it was still early. I didn't have any discharge on day thirteen and did not take a test. Day fourteen came and I couldn't bring myself to take a test. I didn't want to be disappointed yet again. The whole day, off and on, I was having brown spotting. It was driving me crazy because my period wouldn't just start already, so I kept going back and forth getting my hopes up that it was implantation bleeding. Finally, around dinner time, my period came on full-fledged, so I didn't have to think about it anymore. I can't say I was surprised, because again, we didn't have the right circumstances, but I really had my hopes up that first week after feeling so weird. 

So, I called the fertility clinic the next day (Monday) to start my second round of injectables. The night before, I was thinking to myself "we have two more months; two more shots to get this right before IVF". I was able to get an appointment for my baseline scan right after work. I headed over to the fertility clinic and during the scan, there looked to be a huge follicle on my correct side. For a split second I thought to myself, "Finally! Let's do this! Let's trigger for an IUI!" But I quickly realized that I just started my period, so there was no way I could already have a mature follicle - that's when I knew something was wrong. The girl who was doing my scan was obviously new because it took her forever and I could tell she didn't want to say much. When I asked her if it was a follicle already, she reluctantly said no, that it was a cyst. I knew it couldn't be a good sign. When she was finished, she told me to wait there until a nurse came to talk with me about next steps. 

The nurse was really nice, but you could tell she felt bad. She told me that the cyst isn't uncommon after all of the meds I had been on recently. She said that if we went ahead with this cycle and the injectables, that all of the hormones would go straight to the cyst which would just make it bigger. I had to start on birth control (what?!) to help get rid of the cyst. Apparently that helps get rid of them. I'd take a low dose birth control for three weeks, go back for a "cyst check", and if it was gone, I'd stop the birth control and wait for my cycle to begin again. While holding back the tears (emotional much?), I asked if we'd still have time to do one more cycle? I wasn't sure if we had to be pregnant by October, or if we could still try in October to be pregnant in November. She said that since my cycle will likely start towards the end of September, we'd still have time to try one more time before taking November off to prepare for IVF. And in that short time, "two more months" quickly turned into "one more month". 

So here we are, I've been on the birth control for just over a week now. I haven't had any side effects from it, but I'm so ready to be done. It is a little nice to not be stressed this month with fertility appointments, it's frustrating that we only have one more shot at IUI. Realistically, we could post-pone our IVF, but it takes months to get on the list (we were put on the list in July for December) because it fills up so fast. I can't put this off any longer. I'm at a point right now where I feel like IVF is just the way we have to go, and I really have a strong feeling that it's going to work for us because so many of the factors are controlled. Tim's struggling to accept IVF as our route. He feels like it's our last chance and doesn't want to give up on IUI when we haven't even had the correct circumstances. I completely understand where he's coming from, and I'm really bummed that IUI most likely isn't going to work for us this time, but emotionally and mentally, I don't know how many more rounds of it I can go through. He wants to keep trying month after month until my left ovary decides to get itself in gear, but we're already going on month five and I'm getting so drained. I don't think he completely understands how emotionally exhausting it is for me every month - he's better at controlling his emotions and not getting his hopes up than I am. But it's also not his body. I feel like my body is failing, and if there's another option that could potentially work better, than I think that's the route we have to take. I feel like people who don't go through fertility don't have a clue what couples go through. They don't realize how taxing it is on a relationship. I am so lucky that Tim has been so supportive throughout this entire process, and even talks about having a third child (which means he's willing to go through all of this again) one day. We'll see what the future brings, and we have to take this journey one step at a time. It's only something that him and I can decide together which is why we don't share much while we're going through it. 

Our (In)Fertility Journey: Round Two, Part One.

Here we go again...

*Reader beware: These posts will include talk of periods, ovulation, semen, etc...if you're uncomfortable, don't continue. I want to help spread the word about fertility treatments and help to inform others either going through it, thinking about, or anyone who can relate - especially people with CF.

Tim and I always knew we wanted to have more than one child...as many of you know, Tim always jokes that "only children are weird". When Anna was about 9-10 months old, my cycle finally came back. When she turned one, we decided to start trying on our own again, but soon realized we'd have to go the fertility round again when my cycles never regulated. 

In November 2015, I went to see our amazing fertility doctor to discuss the steps we'd need to take to try for another baby. I thought we'd have to go through more testing, blood work, etc. since it had been two years since I had gotten pregnant. Much to my surprise, he was pretty much ready to start me on meds right then and there! Tim and I weren't sure when we wanted to start fertility treatments exactly (he wanted to time things, I wanted to start asap), so I told the doctor we weren't ready just yet, but that I just wanted to know the direction we'd head when we were ready. He was understood and explained that we'd pick up right where we left off. We'd use the same oral hormone and ovulation injection, and go with an IUI which is what we did to get pregnant with Anna. All he wanted me to do was get the A-OK from the high risk OB team who took care of me during my first pregnancy. 

Tim and I decided that we'd try on our own for a little bit longer and pursue fertility in the spring/summer. I made my appointment with the high risk OB in March and she was so excited to see me back. She was very pleased with my health and was so excited to have me as a patient again. The only thing she needed me to do was have an echo on my heart to rule out pulmonary hypertension (which could be there because of my CF). She felt that with my health as good as it was, I'd be fine, but it was more of a formality. I had my echo done over spring break, in April, and the OB said it was "the most normal echo report I have seen in a while". She sent the results to the fertility clinic and said she'd see me "soon for an OB visit". If only it were that easy...

We decided to start fertility up in May since it was the end of the school year and I'd be able to have my appointments over the summer...plus, if it worked out, we'd be set for a spring baby -- aka: maternity leave at the end of the school year + longer time with baby over the summer. Again, if only it were that easy...

We went in at the start of my cycle in May. For those of you who don't know, I only have one Fallopian tube. That means when I ovulate on the side without the tube, the chances of me getting pregnant are extremely slim, even with IUI. So, the follicle has to be on the correct side, which is the left side, for me to have a good chance of getting pregnant with an IUI. In May, I started taking the oral drug, Fermara, to help stimulate my follicles to grow. Of course this month, my body decided to produce its biggest follicle on the wrong side. Lovely. So we were told to still do the trigger shot and have timed intercourse. This, to me, is a waste of time and money. There's a reason we're at a fertility clinic, but whatever. It's basically their way of us at least trying something. Needless to say, it didn't work.

In June, we did the same thing, used Fermara. This time I produced a very large follicle on the WRONG side again! The doctor told us it wouldn't hurt to try an IUI this time around. We knew the chances weren't great, but figured why not? So we went in for the IUI the morning we scheduled to leave for vacation. Two weeks later....no good. I wasn't surprised, but still disappointed. I felt like maybe we had a bit more of a chance. 

In July, we did the Fermara again. And I ovulated on the wrong side AGAIN! So if you're keeping track, that's three months in a row that I ovulated on the same side. It's a myth that you ovulate on opposite sides every month! After my ultrasound, when I saw the follicle on the wrong side, I wanted to cry. I was getting so frustrated. This was the last month we'd go through treatments before school started and it was a bust, again! Then the clinic called me and wanted to schedule a meeting with the doctor to discuss other options. This freaked me out a bit. I knew the only option left was IVF and I wasn't ready to throw in the towel on IUIs yet. We hadn't even had the right circumstances yet. I was quite nervous to meet with the fertility doctor, but I knew it had to be something important for him to arrange a meeting mid-cycle.

Our (In)Fertility Journey - Part Four, Conclusion

Read "Part One" here.
Read "Part Two" here.
Read "Part Three" here.

Every part of the July cycle was exactly the same, except instead of doing timed intercourse, when I was ovulating Tim would go in and provide a sample. Then they would wash his sample, pulling out the strongest 5 million sperm from around 20-30 million to give us the best chances. I would go in and have his sample inserted, past my cervix and directly into my uterus with a catheter. The procedure itself took less than a minute and felt very similar to a pap smear with a bit more discomfort. I told the doctor to make sure to "aim left" since that's where my mature follicle was, he said he'd try! ;) Then they had my lie on the table for about 15-20 minutes, and then I was free to go about my normal activities. Two weeks after the procedure, I would take a pregnancy test to see if it worked.

My IUI happened to fall on the morning of the first day of Country Thunder (four day long country concert in Wisconsin), so as soon as the procedure was over, I spent four hours driving north to see the first night of performers. (Unfortunately, I took too long to get there & traffic was horrible, so I decided to skip the concerts and head back to my friend's cottage to relax). Thankfully, I was preoccupied all weekend, and of course very relaxed, which was nice because it kept my mind off of the fact that I could be growing a baby inside me!

Thirteen grueling days later (yes, I tested a day early - I couldn't wait!), I took a pregnancy test. Shortly after I took it, there was no second line (negative), so I threw it in the bathroom garbage can. A couple hours later, I went to use the bathroom and decided to pull the test out of the garbage and look at it again...just in case. To my surprise, there was a faint second line! I couldn't believe it! I thought for sure it was just an evaporation line because it had been a couple hours, but just to make sure I took another test. This time I followed the directions on the test and waited the entire five minutes before allowing myself back in the bathroom to look at it again. Longest five minutes ever! When I went back in....there were two pink lines!!!! I was absolutely shocked!! I called the fertility clinic to see if I could come in for blood work within the next day or two, and they told me that I could come in right then! So of course I hopped in the truck and drove there as fast as I legally could! :) A couple hours later, they called me back and told me that for a viable pregnancy, my hcg level should be above 20 and mine was 25. They said that we should be "cautiously optimistic" and come back in two days for a repeat blood test. So, in the meantime, I was trying to decide how to tell Tim. I didn't want to tell him over the phone because I wanted to see his reaction. I went to Target to buy him a new hamper (since his broke during the move - oh yeah, we had just moved into our first house a couple weeks prior) and I bought a St. Louis Cardinals onsie. I kept the onsie in the bag and put it in the hamper. When Tim got home and saw it, he was completely shocked! He said, "I didn't think about how I'd react when it actually did happen." Needless to say, we were extremely excited!

Two days later, the day of my bestie's rehearsal dinner, I went back to the fertility clinic first thing in the morning to get repeat blood work. They told me they'd call me in the afternoon with the results and then we'd go from there. When I got the call from the fertility clinic only an hour or two later, I knew something was up. The head nurse was on the other line and told me that my hcg level actually went down to a 19, which means that this was not a viable pregnancy (it should have at least doubled). They suspected that the egg probably fertilized, but never implanted. She explained that its extremely common and that if I wasn't being monitored so closely, I probably would have never known. This being a Friday, they wanted to see me back on Monday to make sure that my levels continued to drop and get back to normal. She suggested taking the month of August off from any treatment to let my body/hormones regulate, and then we'd try again in September. I was crushed. I had no idea what to say. I couldn't believe it. For the past two days I was on the biggest high of my life and it all came crashing down in that moment. When I got off the phone, I cried. I tried to compose myself enough to call Tim. I wasn't going to see him the rest of the weekend because I was going up for my friend's wedding and Tim had to work all weekend. I couldn't keep my composure on the phone with him for very long, and it was so hard doing it over the phone. I decided to pack up my things for the weekend quickly, stop by his work on the way up north and see him. I couldn't go all weekend without seeing him. I brought lunch and we sat in an empty apartment where he was working for the day, just wondering why it happened this way. *Looking back, I understand it's very common for women to miscarry (especially this early on), but at this time, I just couldn't wrap my mind around it.* Something we had been working so hard for years on, and wanting so bad, was just at our finger tips and ripped away from us. While I was with Tim, my CF doctor called me (I texted her to call me) and I told her the news. She was extremely understanding and was an amazing person to talk to about this. She reassured me that in the month of August, she would do everything she could to get me on Kalydeco because she really felt it would help me get healthier and might even help me get pregnant - this, at least, gave me a little something to look forward to. After Tim's lunch break, I headed up north, put on my happy face and watched my best friend get married! It was a great distraction, but it was still pretty difficult. Over the weekend, my period started, only about a day later than it would have typically, so the nurse was right - if I hadn't done any tests or blood work, I would have never known I was pregnant.

Looking back, it was actually pretty nice having the month of August off of any fertility treatments because the beginning of a school year is very busy and stressful. At the end of August, I started taking Kalydeco! When my cycle started at the end of August/beginning of September, I started another round of the same treatment. I was determined to do another IUI. We knew the procedure would work, we just had to try again! This month my mature follicle was on my right side - the side with no tube - so the chances of me getting pregnant were extremely slim, but I pushed for another IUI anyway. Not a huge surprise when it didn't work two weeks later, but I was still bummed. Tim and I agreed to not go through another IUI until my mature follicle was back on the left where we needed it to be. In October, my follicle was on the right side again, so we didn't do anything that cycle. Again, it was kind of nice to have a break and not stress about it, but it was still another month gone by that I wasn't pregnant. In November, my follicle was finally back on the left side!! I was so excited to finally go through another IUI with better chances this time.

My IUI was on Thursday, November 21st, first thing in the morning. It was the day of my first graders' Thanksgiving Feast put on by our partner church, so I decided to take a 1/2 day in the morning for the procedure and then go back to work for the afternoon. The IUI went well, same procedure as last time. While I was having the IUI done, the head nurse was asking why Tim and I didn't just go for IVF. I explained our situation and how, really, this was our second "good" IUI and that I didn't want to go for IVF until I knew these IUIs weren't going to work. I told her that I thought the IUI was just what I needed, but she said she was going to sign us up for a IVF consultation meeting in March/April to do a summer IVF in case these didn't work. I just brushed it off and didn't think about it too much after.

Twelve days later, on Tuesday, December 3rd, I took a pregnancy test. Tim was annoyed that I did it two days early because of what happened last time only a day early, but I just couldn't wait any longer! My boobs were killing me, so it had me thinking...

This leads me to this post!

The test was positive!!!! I took another test Wednesday morning, Wednesday evening, and then again Thursday morning before getting blood work later that morning. My hcg level was 189....much, much stronger than the first time. The following Monday, my hcg level rose just as it was supposed to, to a nice strong 1,015! Two weeks later, Tim and I went to our first ultrasound at six weeks, three days, and saw our little peanut (blob) for the first time - it was so unreal!

It took me a long time to accept the fact that I was pregnant. I kept telling people I was pregnant, and I saw it on the ultrasound, saw it on the million pregnancy tests I took, but it took a long time for it to sink in! It really took the physical changes to my body and then finding out it was a girl for me to start bonding with her and accepting that this is reality. Even today, at 20 weeks - halfway through my pregnancy - I still find it hard to believe. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to wake up from this crazy dream only to find out it's not really true. But I try to push that aside and embrace what is happening! This little miracle child is growing perfectly inside me and will be our daughter in only four more months!

There is absolutely no way I would have made it through this process without my amazing husband, Tim. He has been an amazing support and trooper, going through his share of testing, too, to make this happen. There were times over the last three years where I just wanted to throw in the towel and give up (ask him about the time I trapped him in the bathroom and cried...). There were plenty of times where I thought this was never going to happen for us. But he was always there, with a level head, to keep me pushing through. I couldn't have asked for a better person to be at my side through all of this. I know he is going to be an AMAZING dad to this little girl. He already loves her so much. It's absolutely amazing to see how involved he already is and I can't wait to see him interacting with her once she's here. :-)

I know this sounds so cliche, but I hope this helps people who are going through similar experiences to never give up!! Also, don't be ashamed or embarrassed by what you're going through! Thankfully, along the way, I felt more comfortable sharing bits of our experiences with some family and close friends. This really helped me realize it was nothing to be ashamed of, but I also didn't publicly document it as we went along because it was very emotionally tolling for us. PLEASE, please, please ask me any questions if you or someone you know is going through a similar experience and I will gladly share more of our experiences with you.

And if you have some friends or family who you think should start having kids, maybe this will help you be a little bit more sensitive to why they don't yet...
When people would ask when we were going to have kids while we were going through all of this, I would just brush it off as "hopefully soon" or "eventually", when all I wanted to shout at them sometimes was "I CAN'T!" or "We've only been trying for ____ months/years!" You have absolutely no idea what people are going through in their personal lives. Please try to be sensitive to others, especially during such an emotional process.

The reason I titled this series "(in)fertility" is because I feel like the word infertility has such a negative connotation to it, but that's often what it's referred to. I prefer to use the word fertility because I feel like it gives me hope. No one wants to hear that they're "infertile". But going through 'fertility treatments' at least gives me the outlook that we're a work in progress. Clearly our journey was not short or easy, but it was absolutely, positively, 100% worth it. Here I am, halfway through my pregnancy already, but I will never forget what we had to go through to get to this point. This little girl has been so deeply wanted and loved well before she was even created. 

Thank you so much for reading. I hope you've learned something from me sharing our story. :)

Our (In)Fertility Journey - Part Three

Read Part One here.
Read Part Two here.

After the appointment, I felt defeated. Removing my Fallopian tubes was such a permanent decision, but it was our only option if we wanted to have children. A few weeks after the appointment, I had a CF clinic appointment and brought all of this up to my CF doctor. Surprisingly, she was not on board. She did not want me to go through surgery because she wanted me to get a second opinion. She thought the surgery was too drastic of a measure and that we could do IVF without having to remove my tubes. She was seeing the CF side of things and my fertility doctor was seeing the "getting me pregnant" side of things.
I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I deeply respect my CF doctor and everything she has to say, and I've never gone against her advice before, but I just knew I had to go through with the surgery. It was very hard for me for a couple weeks, deciding if I was going to go through with it, but I finally called my CF doctor and told her it was something I had to do. She supported me and apologized for sounding so against it, and she understood why I wanted to go through with it.

On a Thursday in late February, Tim and I headed out to the hospital to have my tubes removed. Here's what I wrote about the surgery the day after:
"Overall, things went well. We arrived at the hospital at 12:30pm expecting the surgery to start around 2:30. Well of course it didn't go according to plan – I was taken in the operating room around 3:45 and the surgery began around 4:30. All I remember is going into the operating room, switching myself onto the operating bed and the anesthesiologist telling me not to be nervous and that I'll be in good hands. Next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room around 7-7:15pm with a mask on my face giving me some albuterol. They let me go as soon as I was able to get up and walk to the bathroom. I had to prove that I could urinate (to make sure nothing got messed up down there) and then they let me get dressed and leave. We didn't get home until almost 11pm because the roads were terrible due to the snow and ice storm we got while we were at the hospital.

My fertility doctor was the one who performed the surgery and talked to my husband, Tim, after the surgery was over. He told Tim that I only had one tube removed! Apparently both of my tubes were surrounded by a significant amount of scar tissue (I'm assuming from my meconium surgery at birth). They removed the scar tissue on my right side and my right tube because it was so dilated and bad. They removed the scar tissue from my left side and around the tube and realized that my left tube is perfectly fine – no mucus or fluid in it! Yay! Due to the amount of scar tissue, I had to have 4 incisions, but they're pretty small.

The doctor also told my husband that we aren't going to go straight to IVF. My husband said he wants to put me on "drugs" and let us try to get pregnant naturally! I was VERY surprised and excited to hear this!!! Going into the surgery, I thought when I came out there was no chance of us getting pregnant naturally anymore! I don't know if this means Clomid or IUI, but our post-op appointment is next week, Thursday morning, so we'll be able to discuss everything then – I'm really looking forward to that.
Finally, my lungs are doing pretty well. I haven't tried my Vest yet, but I did do an albuterol treatment this morning to help open and loosen things up. I am able to cough and spit, but it's a little painful, mostly for the incision right at my belly button. I've also only been taking ibuprofen for the pain. They wrote me a prescription for Zofran (or something), but I haven't had it filled yet – I don't think it's necessary. 
Long story short, no IVF right away! I still have one Fallopian tube! And now I'm recovering at home and I'm not as uncomfortable as I thought I would be. Overall, I'd say it was a successful surgery!"

The next week, I had a follow-up appointment with the fertility doctor to check my incisions and discuss the next steps. It worked out perfectly that right after the surgery, I got my period, so I was at the beginning of a brand new cycle to start treatment. We decided to try six months of Fermara (which is just like Clomid, but since I didn't respond to it before, he wanted to try something different) with timed intercourse. Then if it didn't work within six months, we'd go to Fermara with IUI.

Of course I was super hopeful that the first round would work and was heartbroken when it didn't, but the doctor and nurse both told us it'll take a few rounds to get everything right. Since I was only doing each round with one working Fallopian tube on my left side, if my mature follicle was on the right that month, there was a very, very slim chance it would work at all because there was no way the follicle could get to the right spot without a tube to transport it. So each month I would take Fermara on days 5-9 of my cycle, then I'd go in for internal ultrasounds around day 12 and every few days after to make sure my follicles were growing and to see which side they were on. Once my follicle(s) were large/mature enough, I would give myself a shot of Ovadril to make myself ovulate. Then we'd do what we had to do and wait two weeks to see if it worked. We did this for four months, March - June, with no success. It was very emotionally tolling for me because each month I'd get my hopes up and each month I kept getting negative tests. There was even a month where I produced three mature follicles and nothing happened - that was frustrating! So after many discussions with Tim, we decided to try our July cycle with Fermara, Ovadril and an IUI.