38 Weeks

Thursday, February 1 - 38 weeks
This is it, Brother! We're in the homestretch! You did excellent on your ultrasound today - you were breathing a lot, way head down and facing my back. The tech said "baby knows how to exit!" After the ultrasound, I met with the nurse practitioner who checked my cervix. She said I'm about 2-3 centimeters dilated, that my cervix felt a lot lower than two weeks ago, and she could even feel your head. I asked her if she could help move things along a bit, so she went back in a swept my membranes. This means she tried to separate the fluid sac from the uterine lining. Sometimes this helps encourage contractions and labor, so I'm hoping it'll work for us. Since having that done this afternoon, I've had several contractions and some cramping. But now that I've been sitting for a bit tonight after doing my treatments, it's seems to have slowed down. Part of me wants to go straight to bed, another part of me wants to walk around the house to get things moving again. I'm just so antsy to meet you! We'll see how it goes tonight...

Oh, and how could I forget?! Your cousin, Adler, was born this afternoon!! I'm so excited to watch you two grow up together with your other cousins. :)

Friday, February 2 - 38w, 1d
Well, unfortunately nothing happened overnight except me being uncomfortable while I slept. I'm still having some bloody, mucus-y discharge every now and then, so maybe being up and moving at work today will get things going.

Sunday, February 4 - 38w, 3d
I'm still pregnant! All signs of labor beginning have tapered away. I've given up that you're going to make your appearance this weekend. I'm still really uncomfortable, but planning on trying to keep busy today to keep my mind off of not going into labor, and maybe tricking my body into go into labor, haha! Either way, I have five more days of work and just over a week until you're being evicted, so there is an end in sight! Daddy and I have also narrowed your name choices down to two, which is kind of exciting. Now to discuss a middle name....

Monday, February 5 - 38w, 4d
I had my last non-stress test today which was fairly uneventful. I did have about 4 contractions in the half an hour I was hooked up, but they didn't seem to care. I also had them every eight minutes on the drive back home, but then slowed down once I was up and moving for the evening. Even if you decide not to come on your own, it's very reassuring to know that you'll be in our arms in a week! I'm actually starting to look forward to the induction because I know the end result will be SO worth it, even if I don't necessarily want to be induced.

Today also marks one year since our twin boys were born and left this earth. I thought about them quite a bit today, and a lot over the weekend. It's hard to believe an entire year has gone by since we were able to see their faces, hold their tiny little bodies, and kiss their little heads. I'm really glad that Brother did not make his appearance today because I really wanted our boys to have separate birthdays. I'm also very thankful that this pregnancy has been going so much smoother than theirs. It's wonderful to see that my body still knows what to do after such a tragedy. Not a day goes by that I don't think about those two little sweet faces. I am so happy to have their footprints permanently on my body to remind me of our two boys who are no longer with us, but never, ever forgotten.

Tuesday, February 6 - 38w, 5d
It's been a rough day for me. I woke up feeling very uncomfortable and basically remained that way all day. Brother was sitting super low, so I tried to balance sitting down at work for comfort, but walking/standing to try to help convince him to come out....no luck. This evening I tried to take a bath to relax, but with a 3 1/2 year old in the house, that didn't go over so well. I spent the next hour or so trying to catch up on work and homework -- got all of my work caught up, not so much my homework that's due Sunday night. I am SO ready to have this baby! Three more days of work this week and then we just have to get through the weekend. Monday cannot come soon enough right now!

One Year Later

As we are approaching the one year mark of losing the twins, I can't help but feel many mixed emotions.

Some days I still am in disbelief that this even happened.

Some days, like earlier this week, the grief comes over me so strong (even if just for a few seconds) that it hurts.

Some days I feel content and know that there was nothing anyone could have done.

Some days I get angry because I used to believe "everything happens for a reason" and this did not.

Some days I sit and wonder how our lives would be different right now if the boys were born later in the pregnancy and lived. How would we be handling two mobile babies? How messy would our house really be with toys? Would Anna be an amazing big sister, or going a little crazy trying to keep up with them? Or would Tim and I be going a little crazy, too?!

Some days, I relive the day they were born and the guilt comes back full-fledge.

Some days I wonder why our family just wasn't allowed to keep these babies?

I still struggle with the though of how many children do we have? Two? Four?

Some days I just look down at my tattoos and smile. I remember our little babies and am thankful for the opportunity to hold them before we had to let them go.

Some days people see my tattoos for the first time and ask about them. When I explain, they awkwardly apologize.

Not all days are bad. But there is not a single day that goes by that I don't think about the two children we lost.

Tomorrow marks one year since our twin boys were born and left us. It's been a long year, but also it's flown by so fast. It's crazy to think what our family has been through, but we are so lucky to have the support system we do to help us through.

This weekend will always weigh heavy on my heart, for the rest of my life. I hope, as the years go by, the pain will change somehow - maybe, more to hope, more to love, but today and tomorrow, I'm going to think about those sweet little boys, their tiny little faces, fingers, toes and bodies. I'm going to soak up every little squirm and movement from Brother reminding me that he's safe inside my belly, even if just for a few more days. I'm going to be extra thankful for the family I have and hug my baby girl just a little bit tighter. <3 nbsp="" p="">

36 & 37 Weeks

Thursday, January 18 - 36 weeks!
9 months pregnant, here we are! I didn't know if this day would ever come again for me after having the twins so early. I didn't know if my cervix would ever be able to carry another baby to term, but we've made it (technically, full term is next week, but still). I can't wait to see how big you are today, they're finally measuring you again. A month ago you were estimated to be just over 4lbs. I wouldn't be surprised if your'e right around 6lbs today, we'll see. A lot of people have commented on how big I've gotten over the last couple weeks, so you're definitely growing enough that people are noticing.

Thankfully, I'm still feeling pretty good. I have to waddle whenever I walk, but I'm really not that uncomfortable while at work. I've been pretty good about balancing my sitting, standing and walking around which helps. I just have to make sure I wear comfortable shoes, otherwise my back does begin to hurt after a while. Sleeping hasn't been too terrible - I think I'm just getting used to having to turn over several times a night. It's very uncomfortable if I wake up on my back, so I try my best to stay on my side all night. I just have to flip (which is a process!) back and forth all night because my hips get sore. My contractions are still very inconsistent, but I've noticed over the last day or two they are getting a little lower in my uterus and a little more uncomfortable. Brother is also getting so big that he sometimes stretches and/or kicks way down in my hips which does not feel good. Really though, these are all pretty small things. I am very happy that I am still able to work and plan to work up until I go into labor, basically. I've even joked with my coworkers about my water breaking at school! I'm going to start keeping mine & Brother's hospital bags in my car, I think, just in case that really does happen.

Friday, January 19 - 36w, 1d
We had a good appointment yesterday, Brother! I've gained about 16lbs this pregnancy and it seems like a good portion of that is you right now! You passed your biophysical profile - you were moving a ton during the ultrasound, practicing your breathing and you had a good level of fluid. The ultrasound tech also took your measurements and you're estimated weight is already over six pounds (6lbs 8oz, 64th percentile)!! Now, I know that ultrasounds are not the most accurate, and I did ask for a tech who could speed through my ultrasound yesterday because I had to get Anna to swim. I'm guessing you're closer to just six pounds right now, but we'll see. Either way, you're growing very well and the doctor said that you'd be just fine if you were born any time now.

After the ultrasound, they did my Group B strep test (a swab down below) and then she checked my cervix. She said it was way back there, but it's about half way thinned out and about one centimeter dilated. She said if she pushed a little harder, she probably could have felt your head, but she didn't want to make me too uncomfortable. You were way head down during your ultrasound, so that's good, too.

There's been talk of inducing me a little early due to my gestational diabetes, but I'm still on the fence about it. Although it would be nice to have an "ending date", I'd really like you to come on your own when you're ready. But, on the other hand, the doctor said that if we wait too long, it could cause some complications due to the gestational diabetes...plus, you're already getting big (but they are not concerned about your size, you are not "too big" right now). So, it's a discussion that we will continue each week at my appointments and just kind of see how things are going. I was scheduled for an induction with Anna and never ended up needing it because she came on her own, and I'd really like the same for you, but we'll see. Either way, you'll be here in just a matter of weeks!! :)

Friday, January 26 - 37w, 1d
37 weeks seems so close to the end, yay! As usual, I had an appointment yesterday and, as usual, you're doing great. Your head was way down low so there was no chance of seeing your little face. Your booty is up high and always wiggling around. Your fluid level still looked good, you were moving like crazy and practicing your breathing -- everything you're supposed to be doing.

I'm still hanging in there, luckily, still not terribly uncomfortable. I'm big, I'm waddling, but I'm not in pain. I'm just inpatient and ready to hold you!! My contractions have continued, but still irregularly. A couple days this week, I thought I might have been dripping some fluid, but it turns out I might have just been dripping some pee instead...oh the joys of the end of pregnancy!

My group B came back positive (did with Anna, too), so I'll be sure to get a round of antibiotics during my labor to help keep you healthy during delivery. We have an induction date set - I reluctantly agreed. Originally they wanted it to be at 39 weeks, but I pushed back a little and we compromised for a few days later. Doctors do not want me going past my due date because the risk of you being stillborn increases because of my gestational diabetes and my need for insulin. As I've mentioned before, as much as I can't wait to see you and hold you, I really don't want to have to be induced. I'm worried it'll not work or lead to a c-section. I voiced my concerns, but my doctors feel I'll do well with an induction because my body is already (very slowly) beginning to prepare for labor and because I've had a successful vaginal delivery in the past. So, if you could come on your own any time now, I'd be totally okay with that! :)

I'm very lucky to have an awesome maternity leave sub who's going to fill in for me while I'm gone at work. She's been coming in to watch me, get to know the kids better, and see what we're doing for the last week or so. It's wonderful having an extra set of hands around sometimes, and it's been really nice getting everything set for her. Unfortunately, I'll only be able to take six weeks off because that's all I have sick time for. So really, the later Brother comes, the better for me because it'll get my maternity leave that much closer to backing up to spring break.

Wednesday, January 31 - 37w, 6d
Tomorrow is officially baby month! I am so ready! Last night I was having inconsistent contractions for a couple hours, but eventually they slowed down and disappeared overnight. Brother felt a lot lower this morning and I was pretty uncomfortable at work today for the first time. I'm hoping the contractions keep up so that he can make his appearance soon. :) Tomorrow I am going in for my scheduled appointment and the NP should be checking my cervix. I'm hoping that'll help get things moving along, too.

2017

Wow, what a year! Just when I think things can't possibly be tougher than the year before, I am proven wrong.

We began this year excited for and anticipating the arrival of our twin little boys. We just purchased a larger vehicle to accommodate three car seats and slowly started discussing nursery plans. Unfortunately, this opportunity was ripped away from us in the early morning hours of February 5th, when little Baby A decided to make his arrival (and Baby B just a couple hours later) at just 19 weeks and 4 days. It was absolutely one of the hardest things I have ever been through, truly awful. But we very thankfully had wonderful family, friends, and work-family supporting us and are able to look back on our little guys, now 10 months later and remember their sweet little faces. Some days/moments have been harder than others, but I think that Tim and I are healing well.

This tragedy was not going to stop us from expanding our family, in March we continued the discussion with our fertility doctor about trying to get get pregnant again, this time making sure there was just one little baby when the time came. At the same time, I was learning how to cope and deal with my mixed emotions about losing two babies in such a tragic way.

April was a very memorable month for me because my sister-in-law, Katrina, and I decided to get tattoos to remember the children we've lost. I still am so grateful to have my boys' little footprints on me every single day. It reminds me what we've been through and what I'm so lucky to have now.

May was filled with fertility treatments, shots, appointments and ended with our first IVF transfer and four frozen embryos. It was an emotional month because I was also wrapping up a school year with several coworkers who would not be returning the following year.

In June we found out our IVF was successful, and the worry set in immediately. I was terrified of losing the baby again; I was afraid to get attached to the pregnancy only to see if fail; each doctor appointment was more stressful than the one before as I anticipated bad news each time.

In July, I was grateful to see my pregnancy progress normally and was so anxious to spill the beans! Anna and I spent lots of time together, doing fun things and soaking up the joys of summer.

August brought mixed emotions and back to the grind of busy schedules - six months since delivering the twins, Anna turned three, we shared the news of our Rainbow Baby & a new baby cousin due only weeks apart, Anna started preschool, we found out Rainbow Baby is a BOY, and I started my Master's.

In September, the MFM team began to monitor my cervix to make sure it was staying strong (no issues, thank goodness!) and I began my appointments every two weeks. We also went on our annual family camping trip which was really warm this year, but as always, so much fun!

October was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. Tim, Anna, Katrina, Isaac and I attended the SHARE Walk in Missouri to remember our boys. Their support has meant the world to me this year! To end the month, I started insulin and was officially diagnosed with gestational diabetes.

November was fairly uneventful. I was super busy keeping up with teaching and Master's homework, but also had the opportunity to attend a National Science Teacher Conference in Milwaukee with a few of my awesome coworkers. We Daddy also got started on Brother's room!

December was busy with end of the semester projects and homework, but it was worth it because I passed both classes with an A! We continued to make some progress on Brother's room in between all of our family Christmases.


This is a year that we will never forget. Tim & I's lives were forever changed this year after losing two of our children. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful, supportive husband who helped get me through this awful time. I'm also super thankful to be ending this year on a positive note. Brother is now 33+5 weeks along and developing beautifully. Anna is thriving in school, growing and maturing right before our eyes. We are very lucky! I hope that our biggest challenge this upcoming year is raising two kids while working full time and while I continue my Master's -- that sounds like enough for me! Every year for the last four years, I've had to report the death of a loved one on my annual review, and I'm hoping that this year will bring health and happiness to all of those around us!

28 & 29 Weeks

Thursday, November 23 - 28 weeks
Happy Thanksgiving! I am beyond thankful to be having such a normal, easy, healthy pregnancy this time around! I'm so excited to officially be in the third trimester now -- you'll be here before we know it!
Today was a busy, but productive day. Daddy finished the ceiling in your bedroom and hung your ceiling fan. Tomorrow I'm hoping he'll clear out the room so we can finally paint the walls! We also started putting up our Christmas decorations around the house today. I'd love to get a tree soon so we can put the presents around it, since they've been wrapped since Halloween. This year we have six stockings hanging along the mantel. Mommy, Daddy, Anna, Baby A, Baby B and yours. :) It was a little sad seeing their little stockings and name plates from last year, but I plan to keep them up in memory of your brothers.

Sunday, November 26 - 28w, 3d
Back to the daily grind tomorrow and finally another ultrasound! We had a great, relaxing yet productive weekend. I always look forward to this weekend because we get to spend so much time together as a family. Its the longest weekend we typically have off together all year.

I'm really looking forward to your ultrasound tomorrow because it's been six weeks since you've been measured and about a month since we've had an ultrasound. I'm sure you're going to look so much bigger! I just hope you're not getting too big.

Tuesday, November 28 - 28w, 5d
I had your appointment yesterday and everything went very well. You are definitely not too big, in fact, measured small-normal at around the 13th percentile. At first this concerned me a bit because the last time you were measured, you were in the 45th percentile, so that seemed like a big drop to me, but the nurse assured me that they aren't worried at all. She said you could have been going through a growth spurt the last time you were measured.

Needless to say, I don't think we're going to have any issues with you getting too big by the end of this pregnancy. I think we're actually going to be more aware that you're not too small...just like we did with Anna. Your estimated weight was about 2lbs 7oz which is right on track according to the nurse and my apps, so that's really good. I thought you looked so big in there, and completely squished. You were moving all around while the tech was measuring you and had your legs in front of your face pretty much the whole time. Every now and then you'd peek out between your legs and we'd see your nose and lips. You were also clapping the bottoms of your feet together at one point which was pretty funny. We also saw you practicing your breathing, which is excellent that you're doing that already.

I'll go back in two weeks for just a regular check-up, no ultrasound. And then after that, I go back right after Christmas and I'll be 32 weeks, so that's when the appointments will start happening twice weekly because of the gestational diabetes. Speaking of, my sugars have been better - although, not the best when we eat out at Chinese or Culver's! But, for right now, they are not increasing my insulin since overall the numbers seem to be getting better, so I was happy about that. Yesterday, I also got the whopping cough vaccine, so that I can pass some of it on to you before you're born.

Monday, December 4 - 29w, 4d
Wow, December already - that means you'll be here in just two short months! I'm so excited! I can't wait to snuggle your little squishy self! Although, it's going to be a long two months because the last few days my discomfort has really kicked in. I've been having a hard time getting comfortable when sleeping, standing/walking for too long makes me hurt, and standing after sitting or laying is not fun either. I don't know how I'm going to make it another two months - lots of sitting.
A coworker made the comment yesterday, "you better watch it because that's how it all started last time". I didn't even think of that, but she's right. I was getting really uncomfortable like this a few weeks before I had the boys. But somehow, this feels different. This feels like normal pregnancy progression discomfort. I'm not having any leaking or discharge and Brother is moving around all the time, which is really reassuring. I go back to the doctor a week from today, so we'll see how I feel then and I'll definitely be bringing it up if I become concerned.
In other news, we are still completely stuck on what to name you! I thought we had it narrowed down to a couple choices, but then we look at lists again and add/change things. I really hope we can choose soon because it's driving me crazy! I had a dream the other night that we had you home from the hospital for a week and you still didn't have a name. Your name is going to end up just being Brother! Ha!

SHARE Walk

Last weekend, Katrina, Isaac, Tim, Anna and I attended our first SHARE Walk together to remember and honor our twin boys who were born prematurely in February.

We got there a little too early, because I wanted to make sure we could get the "Veitengruber Twins" added to the list of babies names that they would read aloud during the ceremony. They were first on that list...and then we had about a two hour wait until the ceremony and walk actually started. Luckily, the weather held out for us so Isaac and Anna were able to run around to burn lots of energy. They had so much fun and even did a silly little photo shoot together.

There was a huge crowd there that day supporting each other. It was a very unique environment - one of sadness, but also the hope and love of everyone coming together. They started off by saying a few words, thanking everyone for coming, reading a couple poems and a couple of women shared a beautiful song. I would guess probably over 200 babies' names read at the beginning of the ceremony. Most people were very respectful and quiet during the reading of the names. Each family raised their pinwheels, released balloons, or showed their support any time their baby's name(s) was read. It was a humbling experience - some families had several babies' names read aloud, one family had 5! I couldn't even imagine!

After all of the babies' names had been read, they did a dove release that was really cool. Then we finally were able to all walk together. We chose the one mile route since we had already been there for an extra two hours. Anna and Isaac did a wonderful job and were such troopers all morning.

After the SHARE Walk, we walked to the little down town area where we found a pub to eat in - we were all starving! We even walked through a little historical scavenger hunt that was....interesting. Anna and Isaac had a lot of fun together, and I'm really glad our families were able to spend the day with each other. I look forward to making this a nice tradition for us every year.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

The month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, where families from all over share their experiences of losing a baby during pregnancy or their child shortly after. Specifically, October 15th, is Remembrance Day.

After joining this community on February 5, 2017, I realized how large it really was, but at the same time, how little I had heard of it. Losing a child(ren) is not something that people speak about often because it tends to make others uncomfortable. But I'm lucky to have people in my life who embrace our twins as members of our family and talk with me about them sometimes.

Their footprints were about the size of a small paper clip.

I can't believe it's been over eight months since I gave birth to our twin boys. So much has happened since then, but not a day goes by that I don't think about them. Some days are harder than others, especially with being pregnant again, but I feel like I'm doing alright considering what a tragedy our family has been through. Losing our boys has made me appreciate what I have even more. When a family goes through a loss, it's unexplainable, but it puts in perspective how precious our family is to us and how quickly things can happen.

There are only three pictures I have of our little boys. I couldn't bring myself to take more in the moment at the hospital. I'm sad that we don't have more, but I'm happy that we have these.

Baby B on the left/top, Baby A on the bottom/right

They are extremely special to me and I'm very glad to have them.

I believe that Baby A's feet are on top of Baby B's feet

I am also very happy to have my tattoos of their footprints so that I can carry them with me forever.

I will never, ever forget the two little guys that were supposed to join our family in the summer of 2017. Instead they decided to make their arrival quite too soon at 19 weeks, 4 days, so we were unable to bring them home. It's weird, in a way though, if it weren't for their passing, we wouldn't have Little Brother growing right now.

I still am struggling with "everything happens for a reason". That used to be something I really thought was true, until this happened. I cannot think of a reason that this would happen to our family, but as much as it sucked, we have learned to accept it as part of our reality.

We love you so much, Baby A and Baby B. We promise to keep you in our hearts and memories forever! ~Mommy, Daddy, Anna and Little Brother

20 & 21 Weeks

Friday, September 29th - 20w, 1d
We made it to the half way mark and it feels so good!! Yesterday I had my appointment and the nurse practitioner said that my cervix "looks perfect" and neither of us have any current worries right now. I'm having no pain, no unusual discharge, no cramping, etc. I feel huge, and I'm clearly much bigger than I was with Anna at 20 weeks, but all that I care about is that Little Brother is growing well and my body is holding steady -- both of those things are happening, so I'm very happy.

In two weeks, Tim and I will go in for Little Brother's "big" scan, where they do a nice, long ultrasound to examine every little inch of his body. The twins were born the day before their big scan, so I'm a little nervous as we approach this time, too.
As I'm learning, the anxiety never fully goes away, it's just presenting itself in different ways. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I was terrified to be excited or get attached to the idea of another baby. I was sure that we would going to lose the pregnancy and I didn't want to get my hopes up. Once we knew things were progressing well, I was having anxiety in between and up to each new doctor appointment. I was afraid that I'd get to an appointment and there wouldn't be a heart beat anymore. Recently, I needed to get past the 19+4 mark, and now that we're there, I still can't fully let my guard down. Although everything about this pregnancy has been extremely normal so far, I am too afraid to get my hopes up completely. Of course I'm still embracing this pregnancy - we're still buying little outfits for him, thinking of how to get his room together (clearly from the pictures, that's still a major work in progress), thinking of names, etc., but something in my mind won't let me 100% relax about this pregnancy, but I'm not surprised. Just because we hit 20 weeks, doesn't mean that he can't be born at 22, 23 or 24 weeks. Who's to say he's not going to come early in the 30s?! Heck, I might need to be induced because he won't come out on his own (I'd be okay with that!), but we just never know. I am happy to say that I am much more relaxed during this pregnancy than I expected to be, but there's always going to be something for me to worry about until he is here safely in my arms - IN FEBRUARY and not any sooner!

Monday, October 2nd - 20w, 4d
Baby movements!! You started moving around noticeably at the Cardinals game Friday night that Daddy and I went to. Since then, I've even been able to feel several little bumps outside of my belly with my hands! This is what I had been waiting for! What a sigh of relief every single time I feel a nudge! It's like you're telling me, "Hey mom, I'm still in here and I'm doing well." :) I can't wait for them to get a bit more noticeable so that Daddy and Anna can feel them, too!

This weekend was a good one, but had it's moments. Daddy and I had our first night out together in a long time. We went to the Cardinals game Friday night and spent the night in St. Louis. We picked up Anna to find out that she has an ear infection. After that first dose of medicine, you would never know it! She's back to her ornery old self again, but is a bit more tired than usual. I also got my flu shot on Saturday while we were picking up Anna's antibiotics...'tis the season for germs....

I worry about having you in the middle of flu season. I'm going to be very protective of you (and myself) when you're born. I don't want anyone coming to visit you in the hospital and will probably limit the amount of people that see you right after you're born, too because I'm worried that one or both of us will get sick. We were bringing Anna everywhere with us right after she was born, but in the middle of winter with sick people everywhere, I definitely think we're going to be staying home quite a bit more with you.

Anyway, the rest of the weekend was spent shopping more for your room - I think we finally settled on a color scheme of gray and dull navy blue - and then working on homework for me. Things are super slowly coming along for your room, but we're getting there. We are getting ideas down, it's now up to finding the time for Daddy to get the work done. Hopefully he'll make some good progress this month - can't believe we're in October already! November and December will fly by because of the holidays, and then it'll be a month before you're here already!! This pregnancy really is flying by! :)

Friday, October 6 - 21w, 1d
Your movements are slowly getting stronger and more noticeable throughout the day and I love it! I've had Anna try and feel a couple times, but of course you always stop. I think you're going through another growth spurt because of how big I'm getting. I'm really looking forward to your anatomy scan next week!

This week has been exhausting for me, work-wise. Yesterday I feel like I just hit a wall. After school I was trying to get work done and my head was just pounding, to the point where I laid my head down at my desk and closed my eyes for a little while until I was able to find someone in the building with some Tylenol. I don't know if it's all just catching up with me, or if I was just overtired yesterday, but it sucked. I ended up coming home after getting Anna and laying in bed for a little while, forced myself to complete my master's homework in my room with the lights off, ate dinner and went to bed (I even skipped my treatments because the thought of vibrating with a massive headache did not sound so appealing). Of course now I'm kicking myself this morning for skipping my treatments, but I know that one time is not the end of the world. There's always just so much to do between work, being evaluated this year, working on my master's, keeping up with housework, planning Little Brother's room....I just feel like I can't ever get a break!

I know I shouldn't complain. I'm very lucky to be in the situation I'm in. I'm so lucky to be healthy enough to be pregnant again. I've come across an amazing opportunity to get my master's done over the next year or so. I really do love my job and my family. But I think it's starting to hit me how much I really got myself into this semester! :) I'm about halfway done with my master's classes, so we're starting to get into the bigger papers/projects now which just feels like more busy-work. But, that's life and I know I'll be really happy when this part is over and done!

18 & 19 Weeks

Thursday, September 14th - 18 weeks

I'm having some anxiety about this afternoon's appointment. I'm just nervous. The closer I get to that 19 week mark, the more anxiety I've been feeling. I'm glad that we're going camping this weekend, it'll help keep me a little distracted. But it's also going to bring up more emotions because this is the first year of camp without Alayna or our boys. We're quickly approaching the one year anniversary of our niece's death which makes me really sad. It also happens to fall on this pregnancy's 19+4, which is how far along I was when I lost the twins. How in the world did those two days happen to fall together - what are the chances of that?

I just want to see your body moving. I still am not feeling much of anything, so I need some reassurance today. Getting through the next two weeks is going to be difficult. I never made it to my 20 week appointment with the twins, so that's going to be a big deal for me this time around.

Evening update: Ultrasound looked great today! My cervix was measuring nice and long and you were moving all over the place. The tech didn't spend a ton of time just watching you (she was down to business), but did comment a couple times about how much you were moving. Now beings the two week wait until my 20 week ultrasound. I think it's going to be a long two weeks, but I'm sure we'll get through it. I also think it'll be a nice little milestone to hit, but don't think that my anxiety will stop there. Nothing says that once you're past a certain number of weeks that you won't miscarry. Just because we get to the 20 week mark doesn't ensure that everything is good to go for the second half of the pregnancy. I'm hoping the rest of this pregnancy goes as quickly and as smooth as the first half!

Friday, September 22 - 19w, 1d
Here we are, in our 19th week. I'm glad to say that, so far, I haven't been having too much anxiety about Monday (19+4) and I've been feeling really good pregnancy-wise. I had my CF appointment yesterday and my lung function is unchanged since June, so that's great. I really think that my extra-busy schedule has helped keep my mind from wandering too much lately.

Pregnancy symptoms I've been having: Pregnancy brain! I swear the farther along I get with this little guy, the more of my brain cells he is zapping! I feel like a total ditz lately, forgetting silly things all the time! Another symptom is stretching -> my belly is stretching and so are my boobs. It's like my body is finally kicking into gear and growing this baby. And...to grow the baby, of course he needs food. I've been SO hungry the last couple of days! Little Brother must be going through a growth spurt because I feel like I'm needing to eat every couple of hours. This week at work I haven't been able to make it between breakfast and lunch without eating a protein bar or something, then I'm usually starving again by the time school's out at 2:15. I've gained about 4-5 pounds so far in this pregnancy, which I think is pretty normal considering my weight was higher to begin with.

I'm just really looking forward to the next few weeks, but then I worry when I say that because, 'what if it doesn't come'? I want to feel his movements more. I want to have lots and lots of ultrasounds. I want to watch my belly get bigger. I want to start decorating his room. I want this to stay a reality, all the way until February.

Monday, September 25 - 19w, 4d
We made it. At this gestational age, on February 5th, your twin brothers were born just a couple hours apart. It feels good knowing that things have been going so smoothly this pregnancy. It's tricky, though, because it's not like that worry is going to vanish now that we've made it past the time when they were born. There's absolutely nothing that says just because we've made it this far, we're in the clear. It's just a different worry now. I feel like each week is an accomplishment. Each week I get further along with you, the happier I am with my body and the closer (slowly) we are to you being full term and us bringing you home. Even though I still have half of my pregnancy to go, I feel like there's a teeny tiny light at the end of the tunnel and the path to get there may have some worries and anxiety, but it seems doable at this moment in time.

I can say with certainty that this day was much easier, emotionally, than I expected it to be. I really think that's because everything has been going so "normal" so far. I feel like that's the word I've been using to describe myself a lot lately, especially when people ask = normal - and I like it. I don't have any mucus-y discharge. I don't have any leaking. I don't have any bleeding. I don't have any cramping or pain. I am not uncomfortable to the point where I have to sit all the time. I don't feel like you're going to fall out because there's so much pressure down below. I can work without feeling worried or in pain. I can play and take care of Anna (although I try not to lift her too much) without getting completely uncomfortable. Yes, I feel huge. I think my belly is about twice as big this time around as it was with Anna, but I don't care. If I have to be huge to carry a healthy baby, then I'll take it. Seeing my belly grow means that you are growing and that's all I can ask for right now.

At this point in my pregnancy I feel much more relaxed than I expected to. I've learned that stressing about things isn't necessary or helpful. Of course sometimes those thoughts take over and I have to deal with them at the time, but they definitely aren't as frequent any more. I think I'll still have a touch of anxiety before every doctor appointment, but that's okay. I hope that I can continue going every two weeks for the rest of the pregnancy, but we'll see what they say.

I can't wait to feel you moving more often. It's still very few and far between, and small little pops and flicks - nothing too big yet. But, I know how big you are right now, after holding your brothers on this day. It's not surprising that I'm unable to feel the movements of your tiny little body. I can't wait 'til you're bigger and stronger. I can't wait for Anna to feel your movements and see your body shifting in my belly. There are so many things I look forward to, but they day you're born (far, far from now) is definitely the most anticipated one.

Little Brother, we love you so much and can't wait for you  are so excited for you to join our family. We will wait as long as needed to meet you. Please stay in Mommy's belly for at least 19 more weeks. As much as we'd love to cuddle and love on you, it's not time for you to arrive just yet. We promise to continue to talk to you, read to you and take care of you until they day you are born.

August 5th

Today's been a big day for our family!

• Celebrating Anna's upcoming third birthday

Anna turns three on August 8th, so today we celebrated with our friends and family. I can't believe our little girl is three years old and will be starting preschool in just under two weeks! It was an excellent party and everyone had so much fun!! I love how close Anna is with her cousins and how much fun everyone has together.

• Today marks six months since I delivered the twins

Six months ago, today, our twin baby boys were born. It hard to wrap my mind around the fact that this much time has gone by already. Sometimes I try to imagine what our life would be like now if they were born full term, but that makes me sad and it's impossible to know how things would have been different. But....we've had some exciting news to focus on the last couple months....

• Today, we announced at Anna's party that I'm pregnant again with our rainbow baby!! 

Anna will be having a new little brother or sister arrive in February 2018. She will also be having a new baby cousin! Baby cousin is due on the twins' birthday, February 5th, and our rainbow bean is due just ten days later!
This baby is already loved by so many and its arrival is very anxiously awaited by many as well. It's been a different start to pregnancy for me this time around because it's been stressful but exciting to be pregnant again. This time we went through IVF, which was different from Anna and the twins, but we wanted to ensure that we only got pregnant with one baby. There's a lot more detail in my "fertility journey" posts, but I'll just share a little of what is was like this time around with some pictures of the process:

Meds arrived - top box is CF med, bottom box is IVF meds

Everything that was in the box -- a little intimidating at first

Coaching my way through my first couple injections - it took almost 30 just to get pregnant

Here's our little rainbow baby as a 5-day embryo! This is RIGHT before they inserted it into my uterus. 

A HUGE shout-out to Tim for giving me a nightly progesterone shot for 10 weeks! Every single night, from retrieval (May 25th) until yesterday, at 8:30pm, he would give me my dose of progesterone.....right in the booty cheek! He never once complained and was always so good about it!
So if you're keeping count, that's just about 100 injections over the last 12 weeks to conceive and maintain a healthy environment for this little bean. I have a lot more posts to share that I've been writing over the last 12 weeks, but we're very excited (and I'm a little nervous/anxious) to have this shot at being parents again!!

• Last but not least, one month of compliance with my treatments since my birthday

In honor of our beautiful children, I've been working really hard over the last month to remain complain with my treatments. It was especially hard to hook myself up and shake tonight after such a long, draining (but super fun) day, but it's all for Tim & our kids! :) I plan to keep this streak up for a long time!!

All the Feels

Today (Wednesday, May 24) brings up a lot of emotions for me (seems to be the trend lately!) and this is the way that I've learned how to process them all.

• Last day with JD and others at Parsons

Today is my last day of my fifth year of teaching. Today is also the last day of several of my coworkers in our building. We have several people leaving our school because they have either accepted a different job within the district, or for some, out of the district. 

One of those people is our principal. I have been SO lucky to work under such an amazing leader and boss, who has become a good friend. I'll never forget my interview at his school (it was so hot & I was in a pants suit!) and leaving there thinking about how bad I wanted that position. When he called me to offer me the position, I'll always remember the excitement I felt! I was like a kid on Christmas morning! I couldn't wait to start in my first classroom as a kindergarten teacher. I appreciate him giving me the opportunity to begin my career under his leadership. He has taught me so much about myself as an educator and as a person. I appreciate his constructive criticism, advice, humor, guidance, compassion, understanding, support and friendship over the last five years. Our building will absolutely never be the same without him and his strong personality, but I'm happy to see him moving on and up to something he's passionate about - helping others and supporting teachers.
There are several other people moving on from our building, some who have become good friends as well. I really hope we're able to keep in touch despite our busy schedules and growing families. Next school year is going to be very strange walking into our school without these guys, and seeing so many new faces. I don't do well with change sometimes and it's definitely going to be an adjustment. 

• 35 weeks

Today I would have been 35 weeks pregnant with the twins (can you imagine how huge I'd be?!). I remember counting ahead when I was pregnant to figure out if/when I'd take some time off at the end of the school year to relax before the babies were born. 35 weeks is the national average for twin delivery, so I feel like if I was still pregnant, they really would have been coming any day. Now is when they were supposed to be born, not three months ago. I was supposed to spend my summer juggling nursing two newborn little boys and entertaining a toddler, but that's never going to happen. I really try not to dwell on moments like this, but over the next few weeks - when they should have been making their arrival - they're going to be on my mind A LOT. 

• IVF/Retrieval

Instead of preparing for the birth of our boys, we're now preparing for another pregnancy. It feels like we're back at square one, starting all over again. It's exciting and scary all at the same time. Tomorrow morning we'll go in to have all of my follicles removed and fertilized for the next few days under the careful watch of our fertility clinic. We are so lucky to have them fairly local and I cannot thank them enough for helping us have our beautiful children. It sucks to have to start all over again, but the way things are going, we'll hopefully have some exciting news to share this summer. 

I know I've written about it before, but the idea of being pregnant again brings up mixed emotions. Of course we'd be very excited to add to our family, but there's always going to be doubt in my mind that I'll be able to carry the baby full term again. Thankfully I have an amazing team of high-risk doctors who better know I'll be calling them for everything this time around! I know I'll be in good hands and closely monitored, but it still makes me nervous that we could have a similar outcome.
But right now I need to focus on "the now" and not stress about things I cannot control, which is very hard for me to do, but I'm trying. I'm glad to have the summer off work now to help me relax. :)

Mother's Day

I debated for a long time on whether I'd participate in the "mother's day photo" trend going around on Facebook. Lots of mommies have been sharing a picture of when they were pregnant, when their child(ren) were first born, and a picture of their child(ren) now. I have loved looking at everyone's posts, but I didn't know if I could bring myself to share mine.

Today, unlike any other day, the boys have been on my mind....but today, more so than others. Today, I should have been preparing for the upcoming birth of our two baby boys that would most likely have been making their entrance very soon. Instead, I remember holding their teeny-tiny little bodies in the middle of the night at the hospital.

I'm full of many mixed emotions today and I really don't know how to word all of it. I'm really trying to keep the memory of our twin boys positive as much as possible. I don't want to always be sad when I think of them. Yes, it's hard to think about "what could have been", but I can't dwell on it. I just remember their sweet faces and cherish the few photos we have. So tonight, I am going to share with you a photo that I wasn't sure I'd ever share with anyone other than a few select people. But I am proud to be the mommy of three children this year, even if two of them are our angel babies.

Here's a picture of me one week before giving birth to Anna, I was 38 weeks pregnant here. Then, one week later, she was born! Finally, the picture on the right is from today, at 2 3/4 years old. :)
Bottom left is the last picture I have of my baby bump with the twins (in my bathing suit before taking Anna to swim lessons). I was 19+1 weeks. Just three short days later, I gave birth to the boys. And the final picture is now, how I'll always keep the memory of these little guys with me. :)

Our first born! How is she so big already?!

Our twin baby boys, born about two hours apart. I could not believe how different they looked! Baby B is on the left. He had a round face with a little button nose, looking very much like Anna does now. Baby A is on the right, with a long, narrow face and a longer, skinnier nose than his brother - looking a lot like Daddy. I don't have any pictures of their faces, but these ultrasound photos were taken less than two weeks before they were born and are very accurate. 

No Mother's Day (or any holiday, really) will ever be the same after this year. I'll always be missing two of our children, but hope that we can add some more cute little ones to the family one day.

Remembering Our Children

(Un)Fortunately, losing our children has brought my sister-in-law, Katrina, and I a lot closer over the last few months. There's no pain like it, and someone who's never lost a child will never know the feeling. Even with our stories being so different, we've been able to connect through our heartache.

Katrina lost her daughter, our niece, Alayna in September 2016 when she passed away in her sleep without an explanation. I had no idea what to think, how to feel, or what to say to Katrina to even begin to understand how she was feeling or what she was going through. In fear of saying the wrong thing or bringing up sad emotions, I tried to give her space, but really, that was one of the worst things I could have done.

When the boys were born in February, Katrina and I started talking a lot more. We could grieve together. I could tell her how I was feeling without being embarrassed because she had been there. We had a lot of good conversations and she really helped me deal with the mess of emotions running through my head!

As we were talking, the topic of tattoos came up. We both expressed how we've always wanted one, but never had a "good enough" reason to get one. Neither of us thought this would be our reason, but that's just the way life works out sometimes.

I've been so worried over the last month that one day I'm going to forget about my babies. I know we only had them for such a short, short time, but I still carried them and they left a HUGE impression on my heart! I don't ever want to forget about our two sons. When I first saw their tiny little footprints in the hospital, I thought about getting them as a tattoo so that they'd always be with me. I didn't think I'd ever do it, but it hung in the back of my mind.

Then Katrina and I started talking about getting tattoos for our children, and the idea started becoming a reality. For the last almost two months, we've been planning this weekend. We planned to get tattoos together to remember the sweet babies/child we lost. Then, we'd walk together, with our families, to support Annie's Hope which is an amazing organization that helped Katrina's family through their grief after Alayna died.

I felt like this would be a nice thing to do together to honor our children. So....we did!

On Friday afternoon, Katrina and I went to a local tattoo shop in her neighborhood and retold the stories of our babies to the cool piercing guy while we waited for our artist to get ready. Everyone in the shop was super nice, and we were both super nervous! Our artist, Toph, was very considerate of our wants, and was very patient with me when I was picky about my placement. Apparently my tattoos are technically upside down, but it's what I had been picturing in my mind for the last two months, and he was so sweet, and did it for me. :)

I was so worried that it was going to look terrible and that I was going to be stuck with it for the rest of my life! I am VERY pleased to say that I LOVE the way my sweet babies' feet turned out and I am so proud to carry them with me forever.

Baby A is on my right wrist and Baby B is on my left wrist. I chose these places specifically because that's the side I held them on when I held them together in the hospital.
The artist did enlarge them just a tiny bit so he could add a little more detail, but they are very close to true size and are almost identical to the tiny little prints we brought home from the hospital. They're absolutely perfect!

Katrina got a mother-daughter tattoo to honor and remember Alayna. She went back and forth for a long time on the style and placement, but I think she picked the most adorable and sweet tattoo! I absolutely love the way it turned out, right down to the bow that Alayna would always wear!!

It was such a special way for us to work through the grief and heartache we've been feeling, and will continue to feel. But now we have these beautiful, special tattoos to always remember that we are mothers to these children, too, even if they're not with us anymore.


Saturday morning, even through the pouring rain, we attended the Walk for Hope. It was full of positive, uplifting people there to support one another going through grief of a loved one. The kids loved walking through the rain and giant puddles - Anna had so much fun! This is one weekend I'll never forget, and look forward to many more walks to remember Alayna.

I wish this wasn't so blurry, but it was really hard taking pictures in the rain with a wet phone! We did a balloon release before the walk and this is Anna carrying Alayna's balloon :)

Nothing better than running & jumping through the puddles!

After!

Love this because you can see the rose on the back of her shirt & her matching rose bow made by Katrina :)

Family selfie...sort of....in our Team Alayna shirts

All of Team Alayna, smiling big despite the rain!

Two Months Later

Right now I'm feeling How has it seriously been two months already? combined with Man, this really sucks!

This last month has honestly been harder than I expected, as I posted last week. I've had a lot of moments when I've wondered how far along I'd be with the boys (I rarely bring myself to count it out because that just makes it worse) and how huge I'd be (I can only imagine how bad I'd be waddling now, haha!). I think it's just slowly setting in more that we lost two of our children.

Then I think to myself - when the question comes up of "how many kids do you have?", what am I supposed to say?! If I say 'one', then I feel bad that I'm not counting them as my children because they are/were....but if I say 'three', then comes the explanation and people get awkward and don't know what to say....it's just tough.

That's one thing I've learned this last month especially, please don't feel awkward about my babies! I am so happy to have been able to carry, then see and hold my baby boys, even if it was just for a short time. I love that we were able to see their faces, although it makes me sad that I don't have a picture of them. They are our children and I like to talk about them sometimes. Its OKAY to talk about them and the pregnancy! Please, don't act like they never existed, because they sure were loved by a lot of people! Sure, talking about them sometimes might make me sad, but I've learned that it's okay to feel sad sometimes; I just can't let the sadness consume me -- which I think I've done pretty good about most days. I think about those little guys every single day, and I can't imagine that's going to change, ever. They'll always be our little Butter & Jelly. <3 p="">

Current Struggles

I know this blog has focused on our miscarriage a lot lately, but that's just our life right now. Some days are worse than others - some moments are worse than others. These are some things I've been struggling with lately, that maybe I didn't expect to, or have been affecting more than I thought they would:

Last week I attended a PLC (professional learning community) for school about the effects of childhood trauma on the brain. This is something we've been discussing and learning about as a school and district a lot this year to be better supporters in the classroom. Anyway, the presenter was talking about how much the brain develops so much even as a fetus, before a baby is born. She was saying how things like stress in the mother and/or her smoking/drinking while pregnant has a negative effect on the baby's brain and development that could impact them for the rest of their life. It just made me think about how I tried to provide the best prenatal care that I could for my boys, but I still lost them and how that's not fair! How come the mom that drinks and smokes during her pregnancy can have her baby, but I didn't get to have my two boys...after six months of fertility treatments!
I know that life isn't fair. And I know that's just how the world is, but it just sucked a little bit extra that day, in that moment. It's things like this that pop up every now and then, that makes me think of what could/should have been and makes this whole experience hard.

Another thing that's been bothering me lately is that our boys don't have names. When we were in the hospital, after they were born, several of the nurses/staff asked us if we had names picked out, and we didn't. We thought we had another 3-4 months to pick out their names, so we hadn't really settled on anything - we hadn't even had a ton of ideas yet. Sitting in the hospital, trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I just gave birth to my babies half way through my pregnancy, and that they were dead......the idea of naming them just didn't feel right. We didn't have names picked out. How could I sit and name them when I didn't even get a chance to know them?!
But now, I want to. I have thought about their little faces every single day for the last seven weeks. I have put different names to their faces in my head and I want them to have names. I want them to have identities, even though they'll never grow up in our family - they're still my babies. They're still our sons. I don't know how to go about it, and obviously that's only something Tim and I can decide, but that's what's on my mind recently.

Pregnancy. That's what's on my mind a lot! I, honestly, cannot wait to get pregnant again. And it's not to replace the babies we've lost, but to grow our family the way we've always wanted to. I've written an entire separate blog post about this topic, that I'll share at a later date (no, I'm not pregnant), but it is absolutely something that is on my mind all the time.

Announcements of pregnancy & newborns. It seems like my entire Facebook feed has been filled with positive pregnancy tests, announcements, bump pictures, birth announcements and monthly photos of adorable little newborn babies! And maybe it's because I'm just a little extra sensitive right now, but I just can't handle it!

"I'm supposed to be posting the bump pictures. 
Today is Wednesday, that was the day we took the pictures.
I wonder how giant my belly would be today?
How far along would I be now?
We're supposed to have three kids.
Are they scared to share their news in case something happens? 
Why did my boys get taken away?
I wonder what they would have looked like."


Dreams. I've been having a lot of dreams recently about having babies, being pregnant, etc. One night I had a dream where we had a 4-5 month old son and while I was playing with him & feeding him, I couldn't remember his name or if he had a name. Then he was in an exersaucer, leaned forward, fell out and bumped his head. When I picked him up, he started getting smaller and eventually looked like Baby A. So I started nursing him, and he was back to his normal size and was totally fine. (WEIRD!)
Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant again, with one baby. I couldn't bring myself to find out the gender, I wanted to be surprised. But then someone looked at the screen during the ultrasound and said, "wow, yes, I can tell", and immediately I knew we were having a boy. I got so excited because we would be able to use the clothes that we bought, and still have, for the twins.

I'm guessing this is just the way my mind is working through not having our sons, but my heart still wanting them. I will always wonder how our life would have been different. I am not posting these things to make people feel bad for me. I'm not looking for your opinions on baby names or when would be the best time for us to try to expand our family again. I'm using this as a form of processing for me, and sharing my experience with others so that they can learn from or have someone to connect with if they've gone through something similar. This is real life for me. I don't ever want to forget the two little boys that were supposed to join our family this summer, and this is the way I'm choosing to grieve and process.

One Month Later

Yesterday marked one month exactly since I miscarried our twin boys at 19+4 weeks. I'd have to say that Tim and I have been doing pretty well all things considering. Anna has been a fantastic distraction, and I don't know what/how I'd be doing without her!

Every day is different. Some moments I feel like I was never even pregnant because it was here and gone so fast. Sometimes I so look forward to the day I'm pregnant again. Other days seeing pregnant women makes me angry and jealous. I think a lot about the future, mostly about this summer. I was supposed to have three kids, not just one. The way I thought my summer was going to go is completely different. I try to think about the positives - I get to spend so much more time with Anna than I expected, especially before she starts preschool - but it still makes me sad because we were supposed to be expanding our family this summer and that's not going to happen.

I spent a lot of time last night allowing myself to remember our boys. I think about them often, especially with the perfect necklace I wear from our friends Kristen & Ryan. It's the perfect little reminder of my guys every day. I often think about them quickly and either get distracted by life/work/family, or find a distraction as not to dwell on the sadness of everything. But last night, I allowed myself a couple hours to really think about them and how much our lives have changed. I read posts and stories of other moms who have gone through similar situations. I decided to join a couple local SHARE groups to connect with other women. I shared the story of our boys and allowed myself to be sad for a while.

I keep coming back to a post I read the other day on a blog called "Scary Mommy". It discusses how women tend to have to grieve on their own when they experience and earlier miscarriage and how society doesn't know how to handle or talk about miscarriage even with it being so common. Now, obviously we are not grieving alone and this did not happen early for us, but there were several lines in her post that connected with me:

"You didn’t stay very long, but it doesn’t take long to become part of a family. And for the short time you were with us, you made us a family of four. You made us so, so happy."

"I am sorry you didn’t get to stay longer. I am sorry my body betrayed you. I am sorry that you did not get to grow. I grieve for the future that I had planned for you in that short amount of time. But I am so glad that I knew you, even for the briefest of times. And I will never forget you, little one, not ever."

"... there is no line graph where the love you feel for life inside you increases with the number of weeks it gestates. Pregnant is pregnant. Loss is loss.

Miscarriage isn’t just a loss we feel emotionally. It happens to our bodies, inside of us. We experience it physically. "

"While I have physically and emotionally healed from my miscarriage, I will always remember the life that could have been. I will never forget his due date nor the future I had imagined."

I will always think about what could have been, but I will not dwell on it. As time goes on, I will never, ever forget our two little boys. But our family will become stronger from this and we will move on to be better versions of ourselves.