38 Weeks

Thursday, February 1 - 38 weeks
This is it, Brother! We're in the homestretch! You did excellent on your ultrasound today - you were breathing a lot, way head down and facing my back. The tech said "baby knows how to exit!" After the ultrasound, I met with the nurse practitioner who checked my cervix. She said I'm about 2-3 centimeters dilated, that my cervix felt a lot lower than two weeks ago, and she could even feel your head. I asked her if she could help move things along a bit, so she went back in a swept my membranes. This means she tried to separate the fluid sac from the uterine lining. Sometimes this helps encourage contractions and labor, so I'm hoping it'll work for us. Since having that done this afternoon, I've had several contractions and some cramping. But now that I've been sitting for a bit tonight after doing my treatments, it's seems to have slowed down. Part of me wants to go straight to bed, another part of me wants to walk around the house to get things moving again. I'm just so antsy to meet you! We'll see how it goes tonight...

Oh, and how could I forget?! Your cousin, Adler, was born this afternoon!! I'm so excited to watch you two grow up together with your other cousins. :)

Friday, February 2 - 38w, 1d
Well, unfortunately nothing happened overnight except me being uncomfortable while I slept. I'm still having some bloody, mucus-y discharge every now and then, so maybe being up and moving at work today will get things going.

Sunday, February 4 - 38w, 3d
I'm still pregnant! All signs of labor beginning have tapered away. I've given up that you're going to make your appearance this weekend. I'm still really uncomfortable, but planning on trying to keep busy today to keep my mind off of not going into labor, and maybe tricking my body into go into labor, haha! Either way, I have five more days of work and just over a week until you're being evicted, so there is an end in sight! Daddy and I have also narrowed your name choices down to two, which is kind of exciting. Now to discuss a middle name....

Monday, February 5 - 38w, 4d
I had my last non-stress test today which was fairly uneventful. I did have about 4 contractions in the half an hour I was hooked up, but they didn't seem to care. I also had them every eight minutes on the drive back home, but then slowed down once I was up and moving for the evening. Even if you decide not to come on your own, it's very reassuring to know that you'll be in our arms in a week! I'm actually starting to look forward to the induction because I know the end result will be SO worth it, even if I don't necessarily want to be induced.

Today also marks one year since our twin boys were born and left this earth. I thought about them quite a bit today, and a lot over the weekend. It's hard to believe an entire year has gone by since we were able to see their faces, hold their tiny little bodies, and kiss their little heads. I'm really glad that Brother did not make his appearance today because I really wanted our boys to have separate birthdays. I'm also very thankful that this pregnancy has been going so much smoother than theirs. It's wonderful to see that my body still knows what to do after such a tragedy. Not a day goes by that I don't think about those two little sweet faces. I am so happy to have their footprints permanently on my body to remind me of our two boys who are no longer with us, but never, ever forgotten.

Tuesday, February 6 - 38w, 5d
It's been a rough day for me. I woke up feeling very uncomfortable and basically remained that way all day. Brother was sitting super low, so I tried to balance sitting down at work for comfort, but walking/standing to try to help convince him to come out....no luck. This evening I tried to take a bath to relax, but with a 3 1/2 year old in the house, that didn't go over so well. I spent the next hour or so trying to catch up on work and homework -- got all of my work caught up, not so much my homework that's due Sunday night. I am SO ready to have this baby! Three more days of work this week and then we just have to get through the weekend. Monday cannot come soon enough right now!

2017

Wow, what a year! Just when I think things can't possibly be tougher than the year before, I am proven wrong.

We began this year excited for and anticipating the arrival of our twin little boys. We just purchased a larger vehicle to accommodate three car seats and slowly started discussing nursery plans. Unfortunately, this opportunity was ripped away from us in the early morning hours of February 5th, when little Baby A decided to make his arrival (and Baby B just a couple hours later) at just 19 weeks and 4 days. It was absolutely one of the hardest things I have ever been through, truly awful. But we very thankfully had wonderful family, friends, and work-family supporting us and are able to look back on our little guys, now 10 months later and remember their sweet little faces. Some days/moments have been harder than others, but I think that Tim and I are healing well.

This tragedy was not going to stop us from expanding our family, in March we continued the discussion with our fertility doctor about trying to get get pregnant again, this time making sure there was just one little baby when the time came. At the same time, I was learning how to cope and deal with my mixed emotions about losing two babies in such a tragic way.

April was a very memorable month for me because my sister-in-law, Katrina, and I decided to get tattoos to remember the children we've lost. I still am so grateful to have my boys' little footprints on me every single day. It reminds me what we've been through and what I'm so lucky to have now.

May was filled with fertility treatments, shots, appointments and ended with our first IVF transfer and four frozen embryos. It was an emotional month because I was also wrapping up a school year with several coworkers who would not be returning the following year.

In June we found out our IVF was successful, and the worry set in immediately. I was terrified of losing the baby again; I was afraid to get attached to the pregnancy only to see if fail; each doctor appointment was more stressful than the one before as I anticipated bad news each time.

In July, I was grateful to see my pregnancy progress normally and was so anxious to spill the beans! Anna and I spent lots of time together, doing fun things and soaking up the joys of summer.

August brought mixed emotions and back to the grind of busy schedules - six months since delivering the twins, Anna turned three, we shared the news of our Rainbow Baby & a new baby cousin due only weeks apart, Anna started preschool, we found out Rainbow Baby is a BOY, and I started my Master's.

In September, the MFM team began to monitor my cervix to make sure it was staying strong (no issues, thank goodness!) and I began my appointments every two weeks. We also went on our annual family camping trip which was really warm this year, but as always, so much fun!

October was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. Tim, Anna, Katrina, Isaac and I attended the SHARE Walk in Missouri to remember our boys. Their support has meant the world to me this year! To end the month, I started insulin and was officially diagnosed with gestational diabetes.

November was fairly uneventful. I was super busy keeping up with teaching and Master's homework, but also had the opportunity to attend a National Science Teacher Conference in Milwaukee with a few of my awesome coworkers. We Daddy also got started on Brother's room!

December was busy with end of the semester projects and homework, but it was worth it because I passed both classes with an A! We continued to make some progress on Brother's room in between all of our family Christmases.


This is a year that we will never forget. Tim & I's lives were forever changed this year after losing two of our children. I am so thankful to have such a wonderful, supportive husband who helped get me through this awful time. I'm also super thankful to be ending this year on a positive note. Brother is now 33+5 weeks along and developing beautifully. Anna is thriving in school, growing and maturing right before our eyes. We are very lucky! I hope that our biggest challenge this upcoming year is raising two kids while working full time and while I continue my Master's -- that sounds like enough for me! Every year for the last four years, I've had to report the death of a loved one on my annual review, and I'm hoping that this year will bring health and happiness to all of those around us!

28 & 29 Weeks

Thursday, November 23 - 28 weeks
Happy Thanksgiving! I am beyond thankful to be having such a normal, easy, healthy pregnancy this time around! I'm so excited to officially be in the third trimester now -- you'll be here before we know it!
Today was a busy, but productive day. Daddy finished the ceiling in your bedroom and hung your ceiling fan. Tomorrow I'm hoping he'll clear out the room so we can finally paint the walls! We also started putting up our Christmas decorations around the house today. I'd love to get a tree soon so we can put the presents around it, since they've been wrapped since Halloween. This year we have six stockings hanging along the mantel. Mommy, Daddy, Anna, Baby A, Baby B and yours. :) It was a little sad seeing their little stockings and name plates from last year, but I plan to keep them up in memory of your brothers.

Sunday, November 26 - 28w, 3d
Back to the daily grind tomorrow and finally another ultrasound! We had a great, relaxing yet productive weekend. I always look forward to this weekend because we get to spend so much time together as a family. Its the longest weekend we typically have off together all year.

I'm really looking forward to your ultrasound tomorrow because it's been six weeks since you've been measured and about a month since we've had an ultrasound. I'm sure you're going to look so much bigger! I just hope you're not getting too big.

Tuesday, November 28 - 28w, 5d
I had your appointment yesterday and everything went very well. You are definitely not too big, in fact, measured small-normal at around the 13th percentile. At first this concerned me a bit because the last time you were measured, you were in the 45th percentile, so that seemed like a big drop to me, but the nurse assured me that they aren't worried at all. She said you could have been going through a growth spurt the last time you were measured.

Needless to say, I don't think we're going to have any issues with you getting too big by the end of this pregnancy. I think we're actually going to be more aware that you're not too small...just like we did with Anna. Your estimated weight was about 2lbs 7oz which is right on track according to the nurse and my apps, so that's really good. I thought you looked so big in there, and completely squished. You were moving all around while the tech was measuring you and had your legs in front of your face pretty much the whole time. Every now and then you'd peek out between your legs and we'd see your nose and lips. You were also clapping the bottoms of your feet together at one point which was pretty funny. We also saw you practicing your breathing, which is excellent that you're doing that already.

I'll go back in two weeks for just a regular check-up, no ultrasound. And then after that, I go back right after Christmas and I'll be 32 weeks, so that's when the appointments will start happening twice weekly because of the gestational diabetes. Speaking of, my sugars have been better - although, not the best when we eat out at Chinese or Culver's! But, for right now, they are not increasing my insulin since overall the numbers seem to be getting better, so I was happy about that. Yesterday, I also got the whopping cough vaccine, so that I can pass some of it on to you before you're born.

Monday, December 4 - 29w, 4d
Wow, December already - that means you'll be here in just two short months! I'm so excited! I can't wait to snuggle your little squishy self! Although, it's going to be a long two months because the last few days my discomfort has really kicked in. I've been having a hard time getting comfortable when sleeping, standing/walking for too long makes me hurt, and standing after sitting or laying is not fun either. I don't know how I'm going to make it another two months - lots of sitting.
A coworker made the comment yesterday, "you better watch it because that's how it all started last time". I didn't even think of that, but she's right. I was getting really uncomfortable like this a few weeks before I had the boys. But somehow, this feels different. This feels like normal pregnancy progression discomfort. I'm not having any leaking or discharge and Brother is moving around all the time, which is really reassuring. I go back to the doctor a week from today, so we'll see how I feel then and I'll definitely be bringing it up if I become concerned.
In other news, we are still completely stuck on what to name you! I thought we had it narrowed down to a couple choices, but then we look at lists again and add/change things. I really hope we can choose soon because it's driving me crazy! I had a dream the other night that we had you home from the hospital for a week and you still didn't have a name. Your name is going to end up just being Brother! Ha!

SHARE Walk

Last weekend, Katrina, Isaac, Tim, Anna and I attended our first SHARE Walk together to remember and honor our twin boys who were born prematurely in February.

We got there a little too early, because I wanted to make sure we could get the "Veitengruber Twins" added to the list of babies names that they would read aloud during the ceremony. They were first on that list...and then we had about a two hour wait until the ceremony and walk actually started. Luckily, the weather held out for us so Isaac and Anna were able to run around to burn lots of energy. They had so much fun and even did a silly little photo shoot together.

There was a huge crowd there that day supporting each other. It was a very unique environment - one of sadness, but also the hope and love of everyone coming together. They started off by saying a few words, thanking everyone for coming, reading a couple poems and a couple of women shared a beautiful song. I would guess probably over 200 babies' names read at the beginning of the ceremony. Most people were very respectful and quiet during the reading of the names. Each family raised their pinwheels, released balloons, or showed their support any time their baby's name(s) was read. It was a humbling experience - some families had several babies' names read aloud, one family had 5! I couldn't even imagine!

After all of the babies' names had been read, they did a dove release that was really cool. Then we finally were able to all walk together. We chose the one mile route since we had already been there for an extra two hours. Anna and Isaac did a wonderful job and were such troopers all morning.

After the SHARE Walk, we walked to the little down town area where we found a pub to eat in - we were all starving! We even walked through a little historical scavenger hunt that was....interesting. Anna and Isaac had a lot of fun together, and I'm really glad our families were able to spend the day with each other. I look forward to making this a nice tradition for us every year.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

The month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, where families from all over share their experiences of losing a baby during pregnancy or their child shortly after. Specifically, October 15th, is Remembrance Day.

After joining this community on February 5, 2017, I realized how large it really was, but at the same time, how little I had heard of it. Losing a child(ren) is not something that people speak about often because it tends to make others uncomfortable. But I'm lucky to have people in my life who embrace our twins as members of our family and talk with me about them sometimes.

Their footprints were about the size of a small paper clip.

I can't believe it's been over eight months since I gave birth to our twin boys. So much has happened since then, but not a day goes by that I don't think about them. Some days are harder than others, especially with being pregnant again, but I feel like I'm doing alright considering what a tragedy our family has been through. Losing our boys has made me appreciate what I have even more. When a family goes through a loss, it's unexplainable, but it puts in perspective how precious our family is to us and how quickly things can happen.

There are only three pictures I have of our little boys. I couldn't bring myself to take more in the moment at the hospital. I'm sad that we don't have more, but I'm happy that we have these.

Baby B on the left/top, Baby A on the bottom/right

They are extremely special to me and I'm very glad to have them.

I believe that Baby A's feet are on top of Baby B's feet

I am also very happy to have my tattoos of their footprints so that I can carry them with me forever.

I will never, ever forget the two little guys that were supposed to join our family in the summer of 2017. Instead they decided to make their arrival quite too soon at 19 weeks, 4 days, so we were unable to bring them home. It's weird, in a way though, if it weren't for their passing, we wouldn't have Little Brother growing right now.

I still am struggling with "everything happens for a reason". That used to be something I really thought was true, until this happened. I cannot think of a reason that this would happen to our family, but as much as it sucked, we have learned to accept it as part of our reality.

We love you so much, Baby A and Baby B. We promise to keep you in our hearts and memories forever! ~Mommy, Daddy, Anna and Little Brother

18 & 19 Weeks

Thursday, September 14th - 18 weeks

I'm having some anxiety about this afternoon's appointment. I'm just nervous. The closer I get to that 19 week mark, the more anxiety I've been feeling. I'm glad that we're going camping this weekend, it'll help keep me a little distracted. But it's also going to bring up more emotions because this is the first year of camp without Alayna or our boys. We're quickly approaching the one year anniversary of our niece's death which makes me really sad. It also happens to fall on this pregnancy's 19+4, which is how far along I was when I lost the twins. How in the world did those two days happen to fall together - what are the chances of that?

I just want to see your body moving. I still am not feeling much of anything, so I need some reassurance today. Getting through the next two weeks is going to be difficult. I never made it to my 20 week appointment with the twins, so that's going to be a big deal for me this time around.

Evening update: Ultrasound looked great today! My cervix was measuring nice and long and you were moving all over the place. The tech didn't spend a ton of time just watching you (she was down to business), but did comment a couple times about how much you were moving. Now beings the two week wait until my 20 week ultrasound. I think it's going to be a long two weeks, but I'm sure we'll get through it. I also think it'll be a nice little milestone to hit, but don't think that my anxiety will stop there. Nothing says that once you're past a certain number of weeks that you won't miscarry. Just because we get to the 20 week mark doesn't ensure that everything is good to go for the second half of the pregnancy. I'm hoping the rest of this pregnancy goes as quickly and as smooth as the first half!

Friday, September 22 - 19w, 1d
Here we are, in our 19th week. I'm glad to say that, so far, I haven't been having too much anxiety about Monday (19+4) and I've been feeling really good pregnancy-wise. I had my CF appointment yesterday and my lung function is unchanged since June, so that's great. I really think that my extra-busy schedule has helped keep my mind from wandering too much lately.

Pregnancy symptoms I've been having: Pregnancy brain! I swear the farther along I get with this little guy, the more of my brain cells he is zapping! I feel like a total ditz lately, forgetting silly things all the time! Another symptom is stretching -> my belly is stretching and so are my boobs. It's like my body is finally kicking into gear and growing this baby. And...to grow the baby, of course he needs food. I've been SO hungry the last couple of days! Little Brother must be going through a growth spurt because I feel like I'm needing to eat every couple of hours. This week at work I haven't been able to make it between breakfast and lunch without eating a protein bar or something, then I'm usually starving again by the time school's out at 2:15. I've gained about 4-5 pounds so far in this pregnancy, which I think is pretty normal considering my weight was higher to begin with.

I'm just really looking forward to the next few weeks, but then I worry when I say that because, 'what if it doesn't come'? I want to feel his movements more. I want to have lots and lots of ultrasounds. I want to watch my belly get bigger. I want to start decorating his room. I want this to stay a reality, all the way until February.

Monday, September 25 - 19w, 4d
We made it. At this gestational age, on February 5th, your twin brothers were born just a couple hours apart. It feels good knowing that things have been going so smoothly this pregnancy. It's tricky, though, because it's not like that worry is going to vanish now that we've made it past the time when they were born. There's absolutely nothing that says just because we've made it this far, we're in the clear. It's just a different worry now. I feel like each week is an accomplishment. Each week I get further along with you, the happier I am with my body and the closer (slowly) we are to you being full term and us bringing you home. Even though I still have half of my pregnancy to go, I feel like there's a teeny tiny light at the end of the tunnel and the path to get there may have some worries and anxiety, but it seems doable at this moment in time.

I can say with certainty that this day was much easier, emotionally, than I expected it to be. I really think that's because everything has been going so "normal" so far. I feel like that's the word I've been using to describe myself a lot lately, especially when people ask = normal - and I like it. I don't have any mucus-y discharge. I don't have any leaking. I don't have any bleeding. I don't have any cramping or pain. I am not uncomfortable to the point where I have to sit all the time. I don't feel like you're going to fall out because there's so much pressure down below. I can work without feeling worried or in pain. I can play and take care of Anna (although I try not to lift her too much) without getting completely uncomfortable. Yes, I feel huge. I think my belly is about twice as big this time around as it was with Anna, but I don't care. If I have to be huge to carry a healthy baby, then I'll take it. Seeing my belly grow means that you are growing and that's all I can ask for right now.

At this point in my pregnancy I feel much more relaxed than I expected to. I've learned that stressing about things isn't necessary or helpful. Of course sometimes those thoughts take over and I have to deal with them at the time, but they definitely aren't as frequent any more. I think I'll still have a touch of anxiety before every doctor appointment, but that's okay. I hope that I can continue going every two weeks for the rest of the pregnancy, but we'll see what they say.

I can't wait to feel you moving more often. It's still very few and far between, and small little pops and flicks - nothing too big yet. But, I know how big you are right now, after holding your brothers on this day. It's not surprising that I'm unable to feel the movements of your tiny little body. I can't wait 'til you're bigger and stronger. I can't wait for Anna to feel your movements and see your body shifting in my belly. There are so many things I look forward to, but they day you're born (far, far from now) is definitely the most anticipated one.

Little Brother, we love you so much and can't wait for you  are so excited for you to join our family. We will wait as long as needed to meet you. Please stay in Mommy's belly for at least 19 more weeks. As much as we'd love to cuddle and love on you, it's not time for you to arrive just yet. We promise to continue to talk to you, read to you and take care of you until they day you are born.

Clinic Day

Just a quick post about my clinic appointment today.

I've been feeling really good, CF-wise, the last couple of months. A few weeks ago I was having some sinus issues, but I'm not sure if it was a cold or just allergies/change of weather. Whatever it was, thankfully it didn't stick around long and didn't get into my lungs. 

Today's appointment went well. As usual, I dreaded the three hour drive to Chicago (and would be okay never going to the city again if it wasn't for my amazing doctor). I made good time and was even called back right at my scheduled appointment time. I was a little nervous to do my PFTs today because when I was about this pregnant with the twins and did PFTs, I'm convinced it played a part in what set things in motion into their labor about a week or two later. Either way, this is a different pregnancy and I'm feeling completely different - in a good way. My lung function is stable at 85% today, which I was glad to see, but not surprised. My weight is slowly, steadily increasing. Doctor said I looked and sounded really good, and honestly, there wasn't really much to talk about this time around. I'll be going back in three months...and hopefully then again after I have Little Brother (even though I know she'll want to see me again). Overall, it was a successful clinic day and I'm glad that my body and lungs are cooperating with this pregnancy! 

Mother's Day

I debated for a long time on whether I'd participate in the "mother's day photo" trend going around on Facebook. Lots of mommies have been sharing a picture of when they were pregnant, when their child(ren) were first born, and a picture of their child(ren) now. I have loved looking at everyone's posts, but I didn't know if I could bring myself to share mine.

Today, unlike any other day, the boys have been on my mind....but today, more so than others. Today, I should have been preparing for the upcoming birth of our two baby boys that would most likely have been making their entrance very soon. Instead, I remember holding their teeny-tiny little bodies in the middle of the night at the hospital.

I'm full of many mixed emotions today and I really don't know how to word all of it. I'm really trying to keep the memory of our twin boys positive as much as possible. I don't want to always be sad when I think of them. Yes, it's hard to think about "what could have been", but I can't dwell on it. I just remember their sweet faces and cherish the few photos we have. So tonight, I am going to share with you a photo that I wasn't sure I'd ever share with anyone other than a few select people. But I am proud to be the mommy of three children this year, even if two of them are our angel babies.

Here's a picture of me one week before giving birth to Anna, I was 38 weeks pregnant here. Then, one week later, she was born! Finally, the picture on the right is from today, at 2 3/4 years old. :)
Bottom left is the last picture I have of my baby bump with the twins (in my bathing suit before taking Anna to swim lessons). I was 19+1 weeks. Just three short days later, I gave birth to the boys. And the final picture is now, how I'll always keep the memory of these little guys with me. :)

Our first born! How is she so big already?!

Our twin baby boys, born about two hours apart. I could not believe how different they looked! Baby B is on the left. He had a round face with a little button nose, looking very much like Anna does now. Baby A is on the right, with a long, narrow face and a longer, skinnier nose than his brother - looking a lot like Daddy. I don't have any pictures of their faces, but these ultrasound photos were taken less than two weeks before they were born and are very accurate. 

No Mother's Day (or any holiday, really) will ever be the same after this year. I'll always be missing two of our children, but hope that we can add some more cute little ones to the family one day.

Two Months Later

Right now I'm feeling How has it seriously been two months already? combined with Man, this really sucks!

This last month has honestly been harder than I expected, as I posted last week. I've had a lot of moments when I've wondered how far along I'd be with the boys (I rarely bring myself to count it out because that just makes it worse) and how huge I'd be (I can only imagine how bad I'd be waddling now, haha!). I think it's just slowly setting in more that we lost two of our children.

Then I think to myself - when the question comes up of "how many kids do you have?", what am I supposed to say?! If I say 'one', then I feel bad that I'm not counting them as my children because they are/were....but if I say 'three', then comes the explanation and people get awkward and don't know what to say....it's just tough.

That's one thing I've learned this last month especially, please don't feel awkward about my babies! I am so happy to have been able to carry, then see and hold my baby boys, even if it was just for a short time. I love that we were able to see their faces, although it makes me sad that I don't have a picture of them. They are our children and I like to talk about them sometimes. Its OKAY to talk about them and the pregnancy! Please, don't act like they never existed, because they sure were loved by a lot of people! Sure, talking about them sometimes might make me sad, but I've learned that it's okay to feel sad sometimes; I just can't let the sadness consume me -- which I think I've done pretty good about most days. I think about those little guys every single day, and I can't imagine that's going to change, ever. They'll always be our little Butter & Jelly. <3 p="">

Current Struggles

I know this blog has focused on our miscarriage a lot lately, but that's just our life right now. Some days are worse than others - some moments are worse than others. These are some things I've been struggling with lately, that maybe I didn't expect to, or have been affecting more than I thought they would:

Last week I attended a PLC (professional learning community) for school about the effects of childhood trauma on the brain. This is something we've been discussing and learning about as a school and district a lot this year to be better supporters in the classroom. Anyway, the presenter was talking about how much the brain develops so much even as a fetus, before a baby is born. She was saying how things like stress in the mother and/or her smoking/drinking while pregnant has a negative effect on the baby's brain and development that could impact them for the rest of their life. It just made me think about how I tried to provide the best prenatal care that I could for my boys, but I still lost them and how that's not fair! How come the mom that drinks and smokes during her pregnancy can have her baby, but I didn't get to have my two boys...after six months of fertility treatments!
I know that life isn't fair. And I know that's just how the world is, but it just sucked a little bit extra that day, in that moment. It's things like this that pop up every now and then, that makes me think of what could/should have been and makes this whole experience hard.

Another thing that's been bothering me lately is that our boys don't have names. When we were in the hospital, after they were born, several of the nurses/staff asked us if we had names picked out, and we didn't. We thought we had another 3-4 months to pick out their names, so we hadn't really settled on anything - we hadn't even had a ton of ideas yet. Sitting in the hospital, trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I just gave birth to my babies half way through my pregnancy, and that they were dead......the idea of naming them just didn't feel right. We didn't have names picked out. How could I sit and name them when I didn't even get a chance to know them?!
But now, I want to. I have thought about their little faces every single day for the last seven weeks. I have put different names to their faces in my head and I want them to have names. I want them to have identities, even though they'll never grow up in our family - they're still my babies. They're still our sons. I don't know how to go about it, and obviously that's only something Tim and I can decide, but that's what's on my mind recently.

Pregnancy. That's what's on my mind a lot! I, honestly, cannot wait to get pregnant again. And it's not to replace the babies we've lost, but to grow our family the way we've always wanted to. I've written an entire separate blog post about this topic, that I'll share at a later date (no, I'm not pregnant), but it is absolutely something that is on my mind all the time.

Announcements of pregnancy & newborns. It seems like my entire Facebook feed has been filled with positive pregnancy tests, announcements, bump pictures, birth announcements and monthly photos of adorable little newborn babies! And maybe it's because I'm just a little extra sensitive right now, but I just can't handle it!

"I'm supposed to be posting the bump pictures. 
Today is Wednesday, that was the day we took the pictures.
I wonder how giant my belly would be today?
How far along would I be now?
We're supposed to have three kids.
Are they scared to share their news in case something happens? 
Why did my boys get taken away?
I wonder what they would have looked like."


Dreams. I've been having a lot of dreams recently about having babies, being pregnant, etc. One night I had a dream where we had a 4-5 month old son and while I was playing with him & feeding him, I couldn't remember his name or if he had a name. Then he was in an exersaucer, leaned forward, fell out and bumped his head. When I picked him up, he started getting smaller and eventually looked like Baby A. So I started nursing him, and he was back to his normal size and was totally fine. (WEIRD!)
Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant again, with one baby. I couldn't bring myself to find out the gender, I wanted to be surprised. But then someone looked at the screen during the ultrasound and said, "wow, yes, I can tell", and immediately I knew we were having a boy. I got so excited because we would be able to use the clothes that we bought, and still have, for the twins.

I'm guessing this is just the way my mind is working through not having our sons, but my heart still wanting them. I will always wonder how our life would have been different. I am not posting these things to make people feel bad for me. I'm not looking for your opinions on baby names or when would be the best time for us to try to expand our family again. I'm using this as a form of processing for me, and sharing my experience with others so that they can learn from or have someone to connect with if they've gone through something similar. This is real life for me. I don't ever want to forget the two little boys that were supposed to join our family this summer, and this is the way I'm choosing to grieve and process.

One Month Later

Yesterday marked one month exactly since I miscarried our twin boys at 19+4 weeks. I'd have to say that Tim and I have been doing pretty well all things considering. Anna has been a fantastic distraction, and I don't know what/how I'd be doing without her!

Every day is different. Some moments I feel like I was never even pregnant because it was here and gone so fast. Sometimes I so look forward to the day I'm pregnant again. Other days seeing pregnant women makes me angry and jealous. I think a lot about the future, mostly about this summer. I was supposed to have three kids, not just one. The way I thought my summer was going to go is completely different. I try to think about the positives - I get to spend so much more time with Anna than I expected, especially before she starts preschool - but it still makes me sad because we were supposed to be expanding our family this summer and that's not going to happen.

I spent a lot of time last night allowing myself to remember our boys. I think about them often, especially with the perfect necklace I wear from our friends Kristen & Ryan. It's the perfect little reminder of my guys every day. I often think about them quickly and either get distracted by life/work/family, or find a distraction as not to dwell on the sadness of everything. But last night, I allowed myself a couple hours to really think about them and how much our lives have changed. I read posts and stories of other moms who have gone through similar situations. I decided to join a couple local SHARE groups to connect with other women. I shared the story of our boys and allowed myself to be sad for a while.

I keep coming back to a post I read the other day on a blog called "Scary Mommy". It discusses how women tend to have to grieve on their own when they experience and earlier miscarriage and how society doesn't know how to handle or talk about miscarriage even with it being so common. Now, obviously we are not grieving alone and this did not happen early for us, but there were several lines in her post that connected with me:

"You didn’t stay very long, but it doesn’t take long to become part of a family. And for the short time you were with us, you made us a family of four. You made us so, so happy."

"I am sorry you didn’t get to stay longer. I am sorry my body betrayed you. I am sorry that you did not get to grow. I grieve for the future that I had planned for you in that short amount of time. But I am so glad that I knew you, even for the briefest of times. And I will never forget you, little one, not ever."

"... there is no line graph where the love you feel for life inside you increases with the number of weeks it gestates. Pregnant is pregnant. Loss is loss.

Miscarriage isn’t just a loss we feel emotionally. It happens to our bodies, inside of us. We experience it physically. "

"While I have physically and emotionally healed from my miscarriage, I will always remember the life that could have been. I will never forget his due date nor the future I had imagined."

I will always think about what could have been, but I will not dwell on it. As time goes on, I will never, ever forget our two little boys. But our family will become stronger from this and we will move on to be better versions of ourselves.

Second Week - Recovery

Another week down, yet it feels like it's been forever. This week has been a bit easier, but I still think about both boys all the time. I've been playing a lot of "what-if" scenarios in my head this week: What if I knew my water broke? What if I didn't go to my CF appointment? What if I had gone in to be checked just one more time?... I don't like thinking this way because I know that there was absolutely no way to change the outcome of what happened, but sometimes I just can't help but think about it. I think these thoughts will always be in the back of my mind, and I'm looking forward to the days when they don't pop up frequently.

On a brighter note, going back to work felt so good - way better than I expected. In my last post I talked about how I was nervous about how the kids would react, or if things would be weird. Nothing weird or awkward! The kids were just so excited to have me back, I honestly bet half of them forgot why I was even gone. I did get several hugs from kids (and a few from adults) and felt so welcomed back! Everyone was extremely positive and sweet. Thursday, it felt so good to be teaching again. I remember thinking during a lesson, "This is where I'm supposed to be. This is what I'm supposed to be doing." Friday, I got to work and was full of energy. I cleaned and organized my room, rearranged desks, entered grades, sorted papers....all while I was supposed to be at a meeting - oops! Oh well, no biggie. :)

It was nice having a three day weekend, with gorgeous weather, to spend time with friends and my little family. Tim, Anna and I were able to enjoy lots of time outside this weekend which was so fun. It's tricky because I'm glad that I was able to go for a long walk with them this weekend, but it also made me a little sad because I'm not huge, pregnant and waddling like I expected to be. There are little moments like these that pop up day to day where I think to myself, "I wouldn't be able to do this if I was still pregnant." Sometimes I feel like I was never pregnant, but it's times like these where I remember that I absolutely was and those little guys were a part of our life, even for that short amount of time.

I try really hard not to dwell on the what-ifs and that "this would be different if I was still pregnant" moments because I cannot do anything to change what has happened. I don't want to surround myself with negativity and stress - that's not going to help this healing process AT ALL. I feel that both Tim and I have been dealing with everything and beginning to healing really well. We've had some wonderful talks, we've been really positive about everything and it's been great having him throughout all of this over the last couple weeks. I had no idea what to expect or how I'd handle this whole situation two weeks ago, but I really do feel that we've both come a long way and I'm proud of how we're handling everything. I'm sure there will be many tough moments ahead (their due date, this summer, milestones, holidays, etc), but I know that we are strong together and we can make it through. :)

Recovery

Tomorrow I return to work and I'm full of mixed emotions. I'm looking forward to getting back to "normal" as much as I can. I crave routine and I love my job. I miss my kids, but I'm honestly nervous about seeing them for the first time. I'm worried that they're going to have questions that I can't answer, or may bring up emotions that I don't want to face in front of them. It's also going to be hard seeing all of my co-workers again. I'm sure there will be lots of hugs and probably even a few tears, but I'm going to try to be strong for my boys tomorrow and Friday. I chose to go back towards the end of the week so that I can ease myself back into the working world. I'll be working two days this week, then we have a 3 day weekend, and only a 3.5 day work week next week. I think slowly getting back into full time will help my mind and body adjust to working again.

I wanted to use this post to kind of re-cap the last ten days and what my recovery was like, physically and emotionally. To be honest, there are times when it felt like I was never even pregnant because it was ripped away so quickly. Then that makes me sad because I don't ever want to forget our little guys. Then there are times when I think about how far along I would be today and wonder what I would look like, if I would feel them squirming yet, etc.

Sunday - the day of: physically, I really did feel fine on Sunday in the hospital. Baby B was born around 3-3:30am, and for the next 5+ hours my body was forced into labor to deliver their placentas that didn't come out on their own. This process was honestly the worst of it all. I was cramping and in pain for over five hours, constantly pushing to try to get them out. Once they finally came out around 8:30-9, it was the biggest feeling of relief, physically. I don't think I even processed losing the boys because I was so worried about getting the placentas out without losing too much blood or screwing up my reproductive system (neither happened - everything went very well).
The rest of the day, Tim and I had to process what had just happened, and notify our family and friends. Physically, my body felt fine. I wasn't in pain, the cramping subsided and eventually stopped pretty quickly, and I really wasn't even fatigued. Emotionally, I was numb. I don't think I really realized what happened until a few days later. It was sad and really tough to call our family and friends to tell them what happened, but I don't think I really understood it. Tim and I were able to talk through a lot of it, but I wonder how much we really grasped it then.
Sunday evening, I was discharged from the hospital around 6pm. I declined a script for pain medication from the doctor because I was feeling fine in the hospital. We stopped by Walgreens to pick up some Motrin for me in case I had any physical pain when I got home. Once we got settled at home, I noticed that I was struggling to take a deep breath without having pain. I assumed it was from missing a few treatments since being in the hospital, so I forced myself to do a treatment before crashing in my bed. Unfortunately, the albuterol did not feel as good as I expected, and the pain didn't really go away. I was way too tired to even think about it, so I curled up in my bed and passed out for the night. (I hadn't slept since 1:30am, Sunday morning)

Monday - I woke up in pain! My body hurt! And it wasn't my uterus area, either, which surprised me the most. It hurt to breathe, bend, move in certain directions, swallow food/water, etc. The area all around my rib cage, front and back was so sore! I felt like a little old lady. It hurt to stand up straight and take a deep breath, so I was hobbling around the house, breathing very quick, shallow breaths. I tried not to move too much. I realized that I was so sore from bearing down and pushing for five hours! I took Motrin every four hours, but it didn't give me much relief. Anna's sleep schedule was thrown off too, so all three of us did a lot of laying around together this day.

Tuesday - I decided I needed something stronger for this pain! I called the OB who was on-call at the hospital and asked for a script for something. She ended up prescribing me Norco and 600mg of Ibuprofen. We drove to the OB's office to pick up the script for Norco and had to bring it to a Walgreens to get filled - which took an hour because they were so busy!
We also stopped at the funeral home on this day. I thought we were going to pick up our babies, but we just met with one of the employees (my co-teacher's dad, he was amazing!) to discuss how cremation would go and what to expect.
Then, later that afternoon, Anna had her 2.5 year check-up. With all the chaos going on, I thought about rescheduling, but I also thought it would be a good distraction and a nice focus on our little girl. Tim wasn't feeling the best & was also on Benadryl, so I took Anna to her appointment. She was SUCH a big girl! She was able to use the big kid scale for the first time, and they measured her height against the wall for the first time, too. She also allowed the doctor to look at her and listen to her without having to sit on my lap! From her appointment at two years old, Anna gained over two pounds and grew 1.5 inches! The doctor and I were both very pleased with her growth, and I was so proud of how well she did at her appointment. :)
The rest of the day, I took it easy - that was the most I had to do since Sunday, and I was exhausted. I took the Norco as prescribed, but I felt it didn't make a huge difference in my pain level.

Wednesday - Tim went back to work on this day, which made me a little sad, but I know that he's the type of person that needs to keep busy. Thankfully my friend Catie had the day off already due to babysitter issues, so she and her adorable daughter, Lila, came down to hang out with Anna and I. Catie was a huge help! Her and I have been best friends for over ten years and she just gets me. She helped me with things around the house, helped with both girls while we went into school so I could get my midterms done, and even ran to the grocery store for us! It was wonderful being able to spend the day with her, and Anna loved having Lila to play with.
Physically, I was starting to feel better, I was able to breathe a bit better, but still tried to move slow and take it easy. One new symptom I noticed was that my boobs were starting to hurt in the morning, and by afternoon, my milk was coming in. This was not something I even thought about since having the boys, so it really threw me for a loop! It made me sad that my body thought I had the babies home with me and was preparing to feed them. I knew there wasn't much I could do, but figured I'd ask at my doctor appointment the following day.

Thursday - This was definitely my most emotional day. I woke up really sad. I don't know if it was because my physical pain was finally gone, so now I could start processing the emotional pain of it all; or if it was because I had my appointment with MFM and I knew it was going to be so hard to see the team again.
Thankfully my friend Kristin went with me to my appointment. I asked her a couple days in advance because I wasn't sure what I'd feel like being on the Norco and if I should drive. I also wasn't sure if emotionally I'd be able to drive after my appointment, so I was happy when she told me she'd take me. She picked me up early and we hit up the mall for a little bit before the appointment, which was a nice little distraction.
When we got to MFM, they called me back pretty quickly and as soon as the first nurse came in, I lost it. She looked so sad to see me, immediately gave me a hug and we cried together. Once I settled down, I told her the story of how everything happened Sunday and we talked it through. She told me how sad everyone was to hear about it and how they all cried together for me. It was nice to be able to talk to her though. And when she left, the nurse practitioner came in and it was the same thing all over. We hugged, we cried, I talked (a lot) and we had a great conversation. She was able to answer any questions I had, gave me a couple tips on how to help dry my milk, and was extremely comforting. She reassured me that there really was nothing that anyone could have done differently and that unfortunately things like this just happen and there's no way to stop them. After talking to the both of them, I felt better and was able to leave feeling pretty good. Kristin and I got some lunch together and I was so drained when I got home that I took a nap!
I remember thinking on this day, "Oh my goodness, how is it Thursday already?!" Then I realized how quickly Monday was coming up and how I was definitely not ready to go back to work yet. After talking with the nurses and Kristin about how I was feeling, I decided that Monday was not the day I'd go back to work. I decided to take a few more days the next week and make my first week back nice and short. That's when I texted my principal that I'd be coming back in one week, the following Thursday.

Friday - I really don't remember much of what we did on Friday. Anna spent the day with Grandma on Thursday since I had my appointment, but I chose to have her home with me on Friday since it was really my first day home alone without visitors or anything. I know that was the first day I took Benadryl to help dry up my milk, and ended up taking a long nap on the couch. Thankfully Anna also took a long nap in her room, so we were both able to catch up on our sleep.

Saturday - We chose to spend the day with Tim's mom, sister, our nephews and then Tim's Grandma. It was nice to spend time with family and to watch Anna, Cole and Liam play together for a while. They're so funny together and act like siblings, so it's always entertaining.

Sunday - We had a lazy day around the house and it was wonderful! I think we ran some errands, but my days are blurring together, so I honestly don't remember. I know that physically, at this point, I was starting to feel so much more normal. I did have a bit of cramping over the weekend, but that's to be expected. Thankfully it only lasted a day or two and hasn't stuck around.

Monday, Tuesday, & Wednesday - This week has flown by! Over the weekend, I remember thinking to myself that I had no idea what I was going to do this week, but I cannot believe how quickly it's gone by. Anna and I have been able to spend a lot of time together and it's been so nice! We've cuddled a lot, read books, played, painted, went to the museum, to the park and ran some errands. It was wonderful being able to soak up her extra cuddles and spend this time with her before having to return to work.
Each day I slowly felt more normal, both physically and emotionally. My body is getting back to the way it was prior to my pregnancy little by little. My milk is definitely drying up - thanks Benadryl - and I'm no longer in any physical pain from all of this. Emotionally, I'm okay. I am able to laugh with my family and friends, look forward to seeing people and doing things and I don't feel like I'm stuck in a rut. It feels like so long ago that I was pregnant, and sometimes feels like all of this was just a terrible dream. I still have several flashbacks, daily, about holding my baby boys and being in the hospital. I know, with time, that will get better.

And now, here we are - Wednesday night. I'm up later than I wanted to be, but that's not surprising. I'm feeling nervous about returning to work tomorrow because I really don't know how the kids are going to react. I feel bad that I've had to put them through something like this at such a young age.
I can deal with adults, and I'm looking forward to laughing with everyone again, but it's the kids I'm just not sure about. I really hope they allow us to go about our day as normal as possible. I'm worried about crying in front of them. I'm worried that they'll ask me questions that I can't answer. It's just a lot of unknowns which I never like...
Here's to a good night's sleep and cooperative little children tomorrow! :-)

One Week Later - Emotions

Wow, as we come up on a week already since losing the boys, I am overwhelmed with many emotions.

Of course I'm sad that all of this happened. It hurts that we won't see our little guys grow up together with their sister. I'm still confused as to why this happened - something we will never, ever have the answer to. I'm disappointed that after going through months and months of fertility treatments to even get pregnant, we had to say good-bye to our little boys before they were ready to be born. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted from the actual event of it all, and replaying it in my mind over and over...

But despite all of these "expected" emotions, I've also been overwhelmed with love. The love that I have for my husband and daughter has been my strength to get me through this. The way he has supported me over this week makes me so proud and so lucky to be his wife. We've both been so happy to have Anna as our little ray of sunshine to keep us happy and laughing during the difficult/emotional moments.

But what's more, is that I cannot believe how lucky we are to have such amazing people in our lives! The amount of love that has come our way over this last week has been absolutely amazing and I cannot even begin to put into words (even though I'm going to try) how thankful we are to each and every person that reached out to us.

When such a tragedy happens to a loved one, as an outsider, you don't know what to do or say that's going to make those people feel better. You don't want to say too much, or not enough, and you really don't know what you're supposed to do.
But when the tragedy happens to you, I've realized that it doesn't matter what people say or how much they say - what matters is that they are there and that you know they love you. I didn't know what I wanted people to say to me after all of this -- what could they really say that was going to make me feel better?! What helped was knowing that people cared, no matter how they showed it. Our family and friends have been amazing over this last week. The outpouring of love towards our family has been unbelievable and truly, greatly appreciated. We seriously have the best family supporting us through this situation.

And a special shout-out to my work family! Holy cow, you guys! I've worked in this building for five years, and have seen our staff come together and support each other and our families many, many times. But to be on the receiving end of that support....it's unimaginable. To see that the people you work along side every day (and some you just see in passing because we're all so busy) truly care about you and your family is amazing. Again, I cannot express how thankful we are to everyone who helped cover my classroom, fill in my plans, talk to and support my kids through this hard time, donate their sick days, their time, their energy to make getting through this difficult time just a tad bit easier - it means the world to me.

I know that my emotions are going to be all over the place for a long time coming, and I don't think it's ever something we'll completely get over, but it'll get easier with time. But for those rough, emotional, hard times, I know that we are absolutely surrounded by people that love us so much and that truly makes all the difference. So, to every single person who has reached out to our family in any way, THANK YOU are not big enough words to express how much we appreciate you and your love.

To Our Beautiful Baby Boys

Baby boys,
You left us too soon. I'm so..... I don't even have the right words to describe how I'm feeling - hurt, sad, confused, disappointed...I could go on and on.

You were 19 weeks and 4 days along, which was about 1/2 way for a twin pregnancy. Your little bodies were perfectly proportioned. You both had distinct and different facial features, meaning you were definitely fraternal. Your fingers, toes, and ears were just perfect. But your lungs were not developed and there was no way you could survive life outside of my womb. Baby A's face was narrower, and his nose was long and skinny. Even though on the ultrasound he looked just like Anna did on one of her ultrasounds, as soon as I saw Baby B's face, he looked just like Anna does now. He had a round little face, with a smaller little button nose just like his sister. Daddy and I were happy that we were able to hold you both for a little while before having to say goodbye. Anna was even able to see you, too.

According to all the doctors and nurses that helped us on Sunday, there was absolutely nothing I could have done differently and things like this "just happen". It definitely doesn't help not having an exact reason, but one of the first things the doctor told me was, "People feel like everything happens for a reason. This does not. There is absolutely no reason that this happened." As much as that sucked to hear, she was right. My body went into "silent preterm labor" meaning I didn't feel it and I didn't know, and I had an incompetent cervix, meaning it opened on it's own, well before it should have. There was nothing anyone could have done differently to save these precious little boys.

Even still, I feel like I've failed. It was my responsibility to grow those babies and keep them in my uterus until they were fully mature. I know that I didn't do anything wrong, but my body still failed. I failed as their mother, and I failed Tim as his wife. I know that these are feelings that I will have to work through on my own time, but right now, they're raw and real.

I'm constantly having flashbacks to my sweet little Baby A being born at home, and knowing that he was gone, but hanging on to any little hope that Baby B would be okay. Deep down, I think I knew it was over, but I wasn't giving up. About an hour after arriving at the hospital, Baby B came out peacefully and was laid on my chest, but he was already gone.

We decided to get your footprints done which are just as precious as ever and are the perfect little way to remember your sweet little frames. We're also having you cremated which is something we never thought we'd have to go through. But you were our babies, even if you were just 8 1/2 inches. You were alive for 19 weeks and I want to remember you always.It's going to be tough moving on from something like this, but we're taking it one day at a time. Anna has been a wonderful distraction for Daddy and I.

We will always remember our little "Butter & Jelly"
Love, Mommy

18 & 19 Weeks

**I debated whether or not to share this post, since I never quite finished it, but I'm going to publish it so I have it for the memories.

January 24 - 18 Weeks today!
The title of the week on my app this morning was "The Smooth Second" -- I beg to differ! This last week has really thrown me off and I cannot wait to be feeling the "smooth" second trimester feelings. Although with twins, I feel like that may have been from about week 12-14, haha!

Yesterday, I woke up with the chills and took some Tylenol every six hours to get through work. When I got home (after a professional development meeting, of course - can't miss out on those hours!) was shaking & felt terrible. I took my temperature with Anna's little ear thermometer and it was 99.8*F. I don't know if that exactly counts as a fever, but I'd say it is based on the way I'm feeling. As soon as the Tylenol wears off, I'm shivering and shaking with a headache until I take it and it kicks in....then of course, I start sweating...

I decided to stay home from work today so I could do extra treatments, although I'm not noticing much difference in my lungs; rest; stay hydrated and just relax. I've had a stressful week with the increasing pressure and bleeding, and now fevers. I'm over it! Thankfully I'm not vomiting, I'm able to keep food and water down just fine, not noticing any respiratory issues. Just headaches, chills/sweats.

I called MFM this morning to let them know about the fevers and they told me I'm allowed to take 2 extra strength Tylenol every six hours, so that's what I've been doing. I also just got off the phone with my CF doctor, who I was supposed to go see tomorrow for my three-month follow-up appointment. She said she doesn't want me driving that far by myself, so if I could get someone to come with me she'd still like to see me. If not, then she's okay with post-poning the visit unless I seem to get worse. She did tell me to have someone local see me and swab me for the flu, just in case. She said it may just be a viral thing that has to run it's coarse, but she wants me to get checked anyway. So as soon as I'm done with my treatments, I'm going to head to Express Care in town to see what they have to say.

January 25 - 18w, 1d

Good news: I don't have the flu! And my fevers are gone!!
I was able to go to my CF clinic appointment today which went pretty well. My lung function is down a tad, but that's to be expected with two growing little guys in there and a little extra mucus production. Lung-wise, I've been feeling great lately, so I'm not worried about the small decrease. I think once I start my Cayston back up in a week or two, it'll help get rid of some of the excess mucus I have going on.
My weight is still hanging at 138lbs which my CF doctor is complete fine with. I told her that I was worried I wasn't gaining enough weight with this pregnancy (only 4lbs so far) and she was worried one bit. She reminded me that I started out this pregnancy much higher than I did when I was pregnant with Anna, so that gives me a little "reserves" to use and means I don't have to gain as much as quickly this time. She thinks the further along I get, I'll eventually start putting on more weight, but she told me not to stress about it. I was able to talk to her and the dietitian today to get some more meal/snack ideas. They definitely don't want me cutting carbs because I need the nutrients and calories, but I just have to watch my sugars. My CF doctor is a bit more lax on what my fasting and two-hour numbers should be, which makes me feel better because I'd been having a hard time keeping them so low.

I feel like I'm finally starting to get better. I've had barely any fever-like symptoms today, only taken 3 Tylenol pills all day, although no naps, so I'm exhausted. I'm very happy that tomorrow is Friday so I can rest this weekend.

January 28 - 18w, 3d
I made it through work yesterday feeling pretty good. I did sit a lot which helps. Again, I'm just so surprised at how quickly I get worn out and tired. This last week has really put into perspective for me how much different and harder growing two humans is than one. I really had no clue!
I'm still having lingering headaches and some leaking/discharge, but I have a feeling those aren't going to go away any time soon. Oh the glamours of pregnancy... :)

I'm so anxious to start feeling the boys move!! Sometimes I can tell when they shift or are maybe sitting close to each other because I'll feel a lot of pressure in a specific area, but I still haven't felt any little flutters or jabs. I also can't wait for Anna to be able to feel them, too. She often gently pats my belly and says "Hi babies". This morning she laid in bed, patting my belly and singing "You Are My Sunshine" to them - it was adorable!!

January 30 - 18w, 5d
I can finally say I'm feeling better! I haven't had a big headache all day, I'm not super exhausted or in a lot of pain - yay!!! Even though I was feeling a lot better at work today, I still reminded myself to take it easy and slow. I sat when I could, walked slow when I had to walk and felt pretty good throughout the day. The boys still seem to be sitting fairly low and often put pressure on my lower uterus, but that's something I'm getting used to.

February 1 - 19 weeks
I think I fully slept through the night last night! I went to bed kind of early, and I don't remember rolling around uncomfortable or switching positions a million times. I actually woke up feeling rested this morning! Woo hoo!!

We're 19 weeks along today and you should be measuring about 6 inches long, each. You could be beginning to get little hairs on your head, your arms and legs are just about proportional to your body now, and your coordination is developing to control your arms and legs better.

I'm so excited for Monday's appointment to get your measurements for the first time. I'm also hoping we'll get lots of cute pictures and be able to see both of your faces. I can't wait to see every little inch of your bodies and make sure you're both healthy and developing as you should be.

19 Weeks

Monday, March 24 - 19w, 3d
This month has flown by! This week you're the size of a large tomato or mango, and you're going through a ton of sensory development in your brain. Some apps say that you can hear my voice now, although others said you could a couple weeks ago. Either way, I can't wait to start building your library so we can keep reading to you. Your arms and legs are now proportional to each other and the rest of your body. You're also beginning to grow your hair on your scalp and eyebrows.

Saturday, I went to a bridal shower for Becky, and everyone was so excited to see my little belly with you! Grandma and Grandpa were, of course, super excited, too. Grandma even got you a couple little outfits and a little blankie with a rattle...but Archie's claiming it for now. He'll keep it warm for you. :-)

While I was at the baby shower, daddy was busy at home working on your room. The last step, and biggest, before we can start actually putting your room together, is to refinish the floors. Daddy didn't want to do this while I was home because the fumes are pretty bad. Here's what it looks like after the first coat. :)

Yesterday, your daddy applied another coat to your bedroom floor, and then we left for the day to do your last registry at Babies R Us. We still want to add a couple more little things that we couldn't find to the Target one, but for the most part, we're done with them. It's amazing how much 'stuff' you're going to need, but we couldn't be more excited! We're already only a month away from the first shower which is going to be put on by my awesome coworkers.
After we finished up at Babies R Us, we got some lunch then I spotted a Carter's store! That was dangerous! Everything in the store was 50% off because they were having a Spring Sale and it was so hard to not buy every single thing in the store, it was all so cute!! I've been telling Daddy that I wasn't going to buy anything for you until after our showers, but yesterday I just couldn't resist....and either could Daddy! Originally, Daddy tried to limit me to only buying one thing, but soon started picking out things too and we compromised with four. :)

I hope you're able to fit into this before it gets too chilly outside!
Otherwise I'll just put some pants underneath :)

Here's the other side :)

Daddy picked this one out & it goes with the hat below.

I could not resist this ADORABLE dress!!! I'm sure you'll probably wear
it only once, but it is just so cute!

We picked this out for you for when we go camping! 

It's reversible & goes with the cute little outfit Daddy picked out :)

After we went crazy in Carter's, we went to Lumber Liquidators (for Daddy) to check our prices for hardwood flooring for the kitchen. We finished the evening at Menards picking out hardwood floors which we special ordered and will eventually put in the kitchen. After we got back from our full day of activities, I think I felt a few more of your little flutters when we were going through all of your stuff. Over the past week or so, I've been feeling tiny, weird feelings in my belly at random times, but I have no idea what it is - it feels like if someone where flicking me from the inside! It's very hard to distinguish if its just my tummy rumbling or if it's your little movements. I try to explain what they feel like to Daddy, and he just thinks I'm crazy! He thinks that I'm feeling you, but I'm still not 100% convinced yet. I'm looking forward to the next couple weeks when hopefully those feelings will become more distinct, stronger, and more frequent.

Last night, I hung up the additions to your wardrobe in our room -- you have quite the collection already!

The top row is stuff that Daddy & I have bought for you.
The bottom row are gifts - the super cute purple & teal outfits are
from Auntie Catie and the rest is from Grandma.

March 26 - 19w, 5d

I just have to add that for the past four days, I've had very stable blood sugars - my highest has been 120! (Fasting is supposed to be under 100 & two hours post meal should be under 120) I'm very proud of myself for really watching my diet and keeping them safe and stable for you! I hope I'm able to keep this up for the rest of the pregnancy. :-)