Wednesday, November 8, 2017

24 & 25 Weeks


Saturday, October 28 - 24w, 2d
We've made it to "viability" gestational age. I had my last cervical check on Thursday and everything looked good. Brother looked completely squished in there, but the tech assured me that he still has plenty of fluid and was just in a weird position. Even though Brother could be viable if he were born now, that thought is terrifying. He's still too little and has a lot more development to go. I feel like this entire pregnancy has been "one week at a time" and I'm still in that mentality. Although, as the weeks progress, I get a little bit more confident that we are going to be bringing this little guy home with us later this winter.

As you can tell from this week's picture Daddy is making progress on your bedroom. Two weekends ago he tore the ceiling out and then last weekend he put in new support beams. As soon as he gets the brakes fixed on the truck then he'll be able to go buy some drywall to patch the wall leading to the kitchen. Once the ceiling and walls are done, we'll be able to paint and then finally start decorating. :)

Monday, November 6 - 25w, 4d
You're so wiggly this week! Your movements have been getting stronger and a bit more noticeable from the outside when I'm laying down or reclining. It's fun to feel you stretch out, roll around, flip, and flail your arms and legs. You're getting bigger and heavier which is making me a little uncomfortable when I'm standing for a while or get up after sitting for long and I'm also noticing that I'm starting to waddle...

I started insulin last week - been on it a week now. I've been struggling to keep my post-dinner and fasting sugars in control, so I felt it was the best. The dietician at the OB's office told me it's basically going to be harder to control with diet the further I get in this pregnancy. Between my CF, your placenta growing, and my hormones, my sugars are going to continue to rise until you're born. In order to keep you safe, we all decided that I needed to start insulin at night. My CF doctor and CF dietician don't want me to cut carbs or anything out of my diet, so that I'm still getting the proper amount of calories, but I'm noticing that carbs really do make my sugars spike, so I'm trying to make a balance. It's been tough and I'm guessing my insulin need will also increase as the pregnancy progresses. It's all worth it though, whatever I can do to keep you safe and to keep my hunger satisfied -- I'm constantly hungry, still!

Saturday, October 28, 2017

SHARE Walk

Last weekend, Katrina, Isaac, Tim, Anna and I attended our first SHARE Walk together to remember and honor our twin boys who were born prematurely in February.


We got there a little too early, because I wanted to make sure we could get the "Veitengruber Twins" added to the list of babies names that they would read aloud during the ceremony. They were first on that list...and then we had about a two hour wait until the ceremony and walk actually started. Luckily, the weather held out for us so Isaac and Anna were able to run around to burn lots of energy. They had so much fun and even did a silly little photo shoot together.


There was a huge crowd there that day supporting each other. It was a very unique environment - one of sadness, but also the hope and love of everyone coming together. They started off by saying a few words, thanking everyone for coming, reading a couple poems and a couple of women shared a beautiful song. I would guess probably over 200 babies' names read at the beginning of the ceremony. Most people were very respectful and quiet during the reading of the names. Each family raised their pinwheels, released balloons, or showed their support any time their baby's name(s) was read. It was a humbling experience - some families had several babies' names read aloud, one family had 5! I couldn't even imagine!


After all of the babies' names had been read, they did a dove release that was really cool. Then we finally were able to all walk together. We chose the one mile route since we had already been there for an extra two hours. Anna and Isaac did a wonderful job and were such troopers all morning.

After the SHARE Walk, we walked to the little down town area where we found a pub to eat in - we were all starving! We even walked through a little historical scavenger hunt that was....interesting. Anna and Isaac had a lot of fun together, and I'm really glad our families were able to spend the day with each other. I look forward to making this a nice tradition for us every year.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

22 & 23 Weeks

Friday, October 13 - 22w, 1d
We had your anatomy scan yesterday and everything went very well. My cervix is staying long and thick, no signs of any issues. You looked wonderful! You're measuring right on track, 45th percentile, and weighing about 1lb, 1oz. You were moving a ton during the scan - we saw you grab your toes, kick them above your head, and you had your hands by your face a lot, but we were still able to get a few really cute pictures of your face.

In two weeks, I'll go for my last cervical check. I'll be 24 weeks and that's when they stop checking my cervix unless they absolutely have to (having negative symptoms) because technically you'll be "viable" if something were to happen, but you need to stay in there for a long, long time still. Over the last month or so, I was worried to stop these cervical checks because it has brought a lot of peace of mind for me, but to see that you're doing so well and that my body is still hanging in there, I'm feeling better. Soon, I'll be far enough along where I'll be back to getting more frequent ultrasounds anyway, so skipping one or two might not be that big of a deal. I'm sure, if for some reason I'm really stressed about it, I'm guessing they'll do one for me.

One issue I've been having has been my fasting blood sugar in the morning. I talked with the nurse practitioner about it yesterday, and about the possibility of going on insulin in the evenings. She set me up with an appointment with their dietician at the end of the month, and in the meantime wants me to really control my diet, especially in the evenings to see if that helps. I haven't been doing the best about laying off the carbs in the evening, so I'm going to really try to up my protein intake to help fill me up after school and after dinner to help keep my post-dinner sugar lower, and then my fasting sugar lower. As much as I don't want to have to go on insulin, I feel like it might make things a lot easier, especially as I get further along. We'll see how the next few weeks pan out. Right now, Little Brother is not showing any signs of being affected by my sugars, so that is reassuring.

Wednesday, October 18 - 22w, 6d
Daddy felt you move for the first time last night. We were laying in bed and you were moving a ton, so I asked him to feel and you gave several big movements for him. It was really cool! Other than that, this week has been pretty uneventful. I'm starting to notice your movements more throughout the day, but the most I feel you is usually after I'm done with my Vest in the evening.

I've been really trying to eat better after school and at night. The problem is, even with eating frequently, I'm not feeling full. I'm used to eating a large meal at dinner, but I've been cautious about what I'm eating and I'm not filling up like usual. I hope I don't notice a decrease or slow down of my weight gain. If it does start to impact, then I'm going to continue to push for insulin.

Wednesday, October 25 - 23w, 6d
Not much to report, but I feel like I've been neglecting the blog lately. I don't remember the last time I've been this busy, holy cow! I feel like I never get a moment of free time lately. Tomorrow afternoon I have my last cervical check, then I have to pick up Anna from swimming, and we have to rush to get to her first parent-teacher conference. I hope you're a flexible little guy because it's going to be go, go, go all the time when you're born, too.

Daddy and I are still completely stuck on what we're going to name you. I thought we had it narrowed down to two choices, but after a long discussion about it this weekend, we can't agree and have added some more "maybes" to the list. Who knows...at least we still have some time, I suppose. Although, this pregnancy is flying by - which has been so nice.

Physically, I've been feeling really good. Last night you were shifting around my belly and laying diagonal - it was really obvious to feel (and Daddy could see) where you were laying, it was pretty funny. Anna isn't quite patient enough to feel you move - or maybe she just doesn't care! I know that there have been times where I've had her feel my belly while you move, but she always says, "Oh, I felt him!" at the wrong time...haha! Maybe when you're a bit bigger and she can actually see you moving around in there she'll be more interested.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day

The month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, where families from all over share their experiences of losing a baby during pregnancy or their child shortly after. Specifically, October 15th, is Remembrance Day.


After joining this community on February 5, 2017, I realized how large it really was, but at the same time, how little I had heard of it. Losing a child(ren) is not something that people speak about often because it tends to make others uncomfortable. But I'm lucky to have people in my life who embrace our twins as members of our family and talk with me about them sometimes.

Their footprints were about the size of a small paper clip.


I can't believe it's been over eight months since I gave birth to our twin boys. So much has happened since then, but not a day goes by that I don't think about them. Some days are harder than others, especially with being pregnant again, but I feel like I'm doing alright considering what a tragedy our family has been through. Losing our boys has made me appreciate what I have even more. When a family goes through a loss, it's unexplainable, but it puts in perspective how precious our family is to us and how quickly things can happen.


There are only three pictures I have of our little boys. I couldn't bring myself to take more in the moment at the hospital. I'm sad that we don't have more, but I'm happy that we have these.

Baby B on the left/top, Baby A on the bottom/right
They are extremely special to me and I'm very glad to have them.

I believe that Baby A's feet are on top of Baby B's feet
I am also very happy to have my tattoos of their footprints so that I can carry them with me forever.


I will never, ever forget the two little guys that were supposed to join our family in the summer of 2017. Instead they decided to make their arrival quite too soon at 19 weeks, 4 days, so we were unable to bring them home. It's weird, in a way though, if it weren't for their passing, we wouldn't have Little Brother growing right now.


I still am struggling with "everything happens for a reason". That used to be something I really thought was true, until this happened. I cannot think of a reason that this would happen to our family, but as much as it sucked, we have learned to accept it as part of our reality.

We love you so much, Baby A and Baby B. We promise to keep you in our hearts and memories forever! ~Mommy, Daddy, Anna and Little Brother

Friday, October 13, 2017

20 & 21 Weeks



Friday, September 29th - 20w, 1d
We made it to the half way mark and it feels so good!! Yesterday I had my appointment and the nurse practitioner said that my cervix "looks perfect" and neither of us have any current worries right now. I'm having no pain, no unusual discharge, no cramping, etc. I feel huge, and I'm clearly much bigger than I was with Anna at 20 weeks, but all that I care about is that Little Brother is growing well and my body is holding steady -- both of those things are happening, so I'm very happy.

In two weeks, Tim and I will go in for Little Brother's "big" scan, where they do a nice, long ultrasound to examine every little inch of his body. The twins were born the day before their big scan, so I'm a little nervous as we approach this time, too.
As I'm learning, the anxiety never fully goes away, it's just presenting itself in different ways. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I was terrified to be excited or get attached to the idea of another baby. I was sure that we would going to lose the pregnancy and I didn't want to get my hopes up. Once we knew things were progressing well, I was having anxiety in between and up to each new doctor appointment. I was afraid that I'd get to an appointment and there wouldn't be a heart beat anymore. Recently, I needed to get past the 19+4 mark, and now that we're there, I still can't fully let my guard down. Although everything about this pregnancy has been extremely normal so far, I am too afraid to get my hopes up completely. Of course I'm still embracing this pregnancy - we're still buying little outfits for him, thinking of how to get his room together (clearly from the pictures, that's still a major work in progress), thinking of names, etc., but something in my mind won't let me 100% relax about this pregnancy, but I'm not surprised. Just because we hit 20 weeks, doesn't mean that he can't be born at 22, 23 or 24 weeks. Who's to say he's not going to come early in the 30s?! Heck, I might need to be induced because he won't come out on his own (I'd be okay with that!), but we just never know. I am happy to say that I am much more relaxed during this pregnancy than I expected to be, but there's always going to be something for me to worry about until he is here safely in my arms - IN FEBRUARY and not any sooner!

Monday, October 2nd - 20w, 4d
Baby movements!! You started moving around noticeably at the Cardinals game Friday night that Daddy and I went to. Since then, I've even been able to feel several little bumps outside of my belly with my hands! This is what I had been waiting for! What a sigh of relief every single time I feel a nudge! It's like you're telling me, "Hey mom, I'm still in here and I'm doing well." :) I can't wait for them to get a bit more noticeable so that Daddy and Anna can feel them, too!

This weekend was a good one, but had it's moments. Daddy and I had our first night out together in a long time. We went to the Cardinals game Friday night and spent the night in St. Louis. We picked up Anna to find out that she has an ear infection. After that first dose of medicine, you would never know it! She's back to her ornery old self again, but is a bit more tired than usual. I also got my flu shot on Saturday while we were picking up Anna's antibiotics...'tis the season for germs....

I worry about having you in the middle of flu season. I'm going to be very protective of you (and myself) when you're born. I don't want anyone coming to visit you in the hospital and will probably limit the amount of people that see you right after you're born, too because I'm worried that one or both of us will get sick. We were bringing Anna everywhere with us right after she was born, but in the middle of winter with sick people everywhere, I definitely think we're going to be staying home quite a bit more with you.

Anyway, the rest of the weekend was spent shopping more for your room - I think we finally settled on a color scheme of gray and dull navy blue - and then working on homework for me. Things are super slowly coming along for your room, but we're getting there. We are getting ideas down, it's now up to finding the time for Daddy to get the work done. Hopefully he'll make some good progress this month - can't believe we're in October already! November and December will fly by because of the holidays, and then it'll be a month before you're here already!! This pregnancy really is flying by! :)

Friday, October 6 - 21w, 1d
Your movements are slowly getting stronger and more noticeable throughout the day and I love it! I've had Anna try and feel a couple times, but of course you always stop. I think you're going through another growth spurt because of how big I'm getting. I'm really looking forward to your anatomy scan next week!

This week has been exhausting for me, work-wise. Yesterday I feel like I just hit a wall. After school I was trying to get work done and my head was just pounding, to the point where I laid my head down at my desk and closed my eyes for a little while until I was able to find someone in the building with some Tylenol. I don't know if it's all just catching up with me, or if I was just overtired yesterday, but it sucked. I ended up coming home after getting Anna and laying in bed for a little while, forced myself to complete my master's homework in my room with the lights off, ate dinner and went to bed (I even skipped my treatments because the thought of vibrating with a massive headache did not sound so appealing). Of course now I'm kicking myself this morning for skipping my treatments, but I know that one time is not the end of the world. There's always just so much to do between work, being evaluated this year, working on my master's, keeping up with housework, planning Little Brother's room....I just feel like I can't ever get a break!

I know I shouldn't complain. I'm very lucky to be in the situation I'm in. I'm so lucky to be healthy enough to be pregnant again. I've come across an amazing opportunity to get my master's done over the next year or so. I really do love my job and my family. But I think it's starting to hit me how much I really got myself into this semester! :) I'm about halfway done with my master's classes, so we're starting to get into the bigger papers/projects now which just feels like more busy-work. But, that's life and I know I'll be really happy when this part is over and done!

Friday, September 29, 2017

18 & 19 Weeks

Thursday, September 14th - 18 weeks


I'm having some anxiety about this afternoon's appointment. I'm just nervous. The closer I get to that 19 week mark, the more anxiety I've been feeling. I'm glad that we're going camping this weekend, it'll help keep me a little distracted. But it's also going to bring up more emotions because this is the first year of camp without Alayna or our boys. We're quickly approaching the one year anniversary of our niece's death which makes me really sad. It also happens to fall on this pregnancy's 19+4, which is how far along I was when I lost the twins. How in the world did those two days happen to fall together - what are the chances of that?

I just want to see your body moving. I still am not feeling much of anything, so I need some reassurance today. Getting through the next two weeks is going to be difficult. I never made it to my 20 week appointment with the twins, so that's going to be a big deal for me this time around.

Evening update: Ultrasound looked great today! My cervix was measuring nice and long and you were moving all over the place. The tech didn't spend a ton of time just watching you (she was down to business), but did comment a couple times about how much you were moving. Now beings the two week wait until my 20 week ultrasound. I think it's going to be a long two weeks, but I'm sure we'll get through it. I also think it'll be a nice little milestone to hit, but don't think that my anxiety will stop there. Nothing says that once you're past a certain number of weeks that you won't miscarry. Just because we get to the 20 week mark doesn't ensure that everything is good to go for the second half of the pregnancy. I'm hoping the rest of this pregnancy goes as quickly and as smooth as the first half!

Friday, September 22 - 19w, 1d
Here we are, in our 19th week. I'm glad to say that, so far, I haven't been having too much anxiety about Monday (19+4) and I've been feeling really good pregnancy-wise. I had my CF appointment yesterday and my lung function is unchanged since June, so that's great. I really think that my extra-busy schedule has helped keep my mind from wandering too much lately.

Pregnancy symptoms I've been having: Pregnancy brain! I swear the farther along I get with this little guy, the more of my brain cells he is zapping! I feel like a total ditz lately, forgetting silly things all the time! Another symptom is stretching -> my belly is stretching and so are my boobs. It's like my body is finally kicking into gear and growing this baby. And...to grow the baby, of course he needs food. I've been SO hungry the last couple of days! Little Brother must be going through a growth spurt because I feel like I'm needing to eat every couple of hours. This week at work I haven't been able to make it between breakfast and lunch without eating a protein bar or something, then I'm usually starving again by the time school's out at 2:15. I've gained about 4-5 pounds so far in this pregnancy, which I think is pretty normal considering my weight was higher to begin with.

I'm just really looking forward to the next few weeks, but then I worry when I say that because, 'what if it doesn't come'? I want to feel his movements more. I want to have lots and lots of ultrasounds. I want to watch my belly get bigger. I want to start decorating his room. I want this to stay a reality, all the way until February.

Monday, September 25 - 19w, 4d
We made it. At this gestational age, on February 5th, your twin brothers were born just a couple hours apart. It feels good knowing that things have been going so smoothly this pregnancy. It's tricky, though, because it's not like that worry is going to vanish now that we've made it past the time when they were born. There's absolutely nothing that says just because we've made it this far, we're in the clear. It's just a different worry now. I feel like each week is an accomplishment. Each week I get further along with you, the happier I am with my body and the closer (slowly) we are to you being full term and us bringing you home. Even though I still have half of my pregnancy to go, I feel like there's a teeny tiny light at the end of the tunnel and the path to get there may have some worries and anxiety, but it seems doable at this moment in time.

I can say with certainty that this day was much easier, emotionally, than I expected it to be. I really think that's because everything has been going so "normal" so far. I feel like that's the word I've been using to describe myself a lot lately, especially when people ask = normal - and I like it. I don't have any mucus-y discharge. I don't have any leaking. I don't have any bleeding. I don't have any cramping or pain. I am not uncomfortable to the point where I have to sit all the time. I don't feel like you're going to fall out because there's so much pressure down below. I can work without feeling worried or in pain. I can play and take care of Anna (although I try not to lift her too much) without getting completely uncomfortable. Yes, I feel huge. I think my belly is about twice as big this time around as it was with Anna, but I don't care. If I have to be huge to carry a healthy baby, then I'll take it. Seeing my belly grow means that you are growing and that's all I can ask for right now.

At this point in my pregnancy I feel much more relaxed than I expected to. I've learned that stressing about things isn't necessary or helpful. Of course sometimes those thoughts take over and I have to deal with them at the time, but they definitely aren't as frequent any more. I think I'll still have a touch of anxiety before every doctor appointment, but that's okay. I hope that I can continue going every two weeks for the rest of the pregnancy, but we'll see what they say.

I can't wait to feel you moving more often. It's still very few and far between, and small little pops and flicks - nothing too big yet. But, I know how big you are right now, after holding your brothers on this day. It's not surprising that I'm unable to feel the movements of your tiny little body. I can't wait 'til you're bigger and stronger. I can't wait for Anna to feel your movements and see your body shifting in my belly. There are so many things I look forward to, but they day you're born (far, far from now) is definitely the most anticipated one.

Little Brother, we love you so much and can't wait for you  are so excited for you to join our family. We will wait as long as needed to meet you. Please stay in Mommy's belly for at least 19 more weeks. As much as we'd love to cuddle and love on you, it's not time for you to arrive just yet. We promise to continue to talk to you, read to you and take care of you until they day you are born.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Clinic Day

Just a quick post about my clinic appointment today.


I've been feeling really good, CF-wise, the last couple of months. A few weeks ago I was having some sinus issues, but I'm not sure if it was a cold or just allergies/change of weather. Whatever it was, thankfully it didn't stick around long and didn't get into my lungs. 

Today's appointment went well. As usual, I dreaded the three hour drive to Chicago (and would be okay never going to the city again if it wasn't for my amazing doctor). I made good time and was even called back right at my scheduled appointment time. I was a little nervous to do my PFTs today because when I was about this pregnant with the twins and did PFTs, I'm convinced it played a part in what set things in motion into their labor about a week or two later. Either way, this is a different pregnancy and I'm feeling completely different - in a good way. My lung function is stable at 85% today, which I was glad to see, but not surprised. My weight is slowly, steadily increasing. Doctor said I looked and sounded really good, and honestly, there wasn't really much to talk about this time around. I'll be going back in three months...and hopefully then again after I have Little Brother (even though I know she'll want to see me again). Overall, it was a successful clinic day and I'm glad that my body and lungs are cooperating with this pregnancy! 

Thursday, September 14, 2017

16 & 17 Weeks

Thursday, August 31 - 16 weeks
We're 16 weeks along in this journey and I cannot wait for my doctor's appointment this afternoon!


It's been almost 5 weeks since my last appointment, and it's been 8 weeks since my last ultrasound! Today I have a feeling of excitement for my appointment, and that feels a lot better than nerves and anxiety. I haven't had any terrible dreams in the last couple weeks, although we are approaching the timing in my pregnancy when I started getting uncomfortable and having issues. I really don't like comparing the pregnancies, because carrying two babies is completely different than carrying one, but it was so recent, it's hard not to compare sometimes.

I've been feeling so good lately, pregnancy wise, though. Sometimes, I don't feel like I'm pregnant at all, which is wonderful. Of course I have some groin and low uterus stretching when getting up after I've been sitting/laying for a while, but I know that's perfectly normal for this gestational age. I have very normal energy level -- considering how exhausted I am from back to school and starting my masters, I'd say that I've been feeling really good.

At my last appointment, they told me at 16 weeks they'd start checking my cervix to monitor it for any changes. Today, we start that. It's a little nerve-wrecking to watch for your cervix to begin failing, and hoping for the best, but going off of the way my body's been feeling, I think we'll be in the clear today. I should be going back every two weeks until 24 weeks, which is what they told me last time. I don't know what's so significant about 24 weeks, but we'll see what they say today. I just can't wait to look at that screen and see Little Brother's body moving all around, look at his face developing and just watch him for a little bit - soak it in, realize that this is really happening again.

Update after appointment: It was SO good to see you, little brother!! The ultrasound tech and I were both surprised to see that you were basically folded in half today! I can't imagine you're that squished yet, but maybe you just like to fold up -- just like Anna did. You looked good. We were able to watch you move your arms and legs a lot, wave, open and close your mouth, and just wiggle all around. It was also confirmed today that you are indeed a boy. It was so reassuring to see all of your fingers and toes, your beautiful little face and perfectly growing body.

My cervix is holding up very well. They don't want it to be under 2.5 and mine was measuring a 5, so I was (and doctors were) very pleased. I'll be going every two weeks for an ultrasound to check my cervix, placenta, and fluid around baby. This will end at 24 weeks because technically then baby will be "viable", so placing a cerclage (stitch closing the cervix) is not seen as effective at this gestational age - this is what was explained to me this afternoon. I'm hoping that everything continues to go well.

I'm still having a hard time wrapping my mind around bringing home another baby. It just feels very surreal. I think I'm still struggling to really accept that we'll be having another child in our house later this winter because I'm still afraid to get my hopes up. I see my growing belly. I saw him moving all around today. I'm slowly starting to feel the beginning flutters. But I still had to tell myself at the ultrasound today, "that's my child". I feel like I'm on the outside looking into someone else being pregnant. It sounds weird to put it into words - I don't know how to explain it. Of course I'm excited to have another baby, but I still have this fear in the back of my mind that we won't be bringing him home.

Friday, September 8th - 17w, 1d
Hey little brother! It's been a week since your appointment and just another week until I'll see you again. It's a good feeling knowing that I'm going so often right now. This was about the time I started to feel off and funky with the twins, so it's really reassuring to feel so normal right now. I really cannot complain about this pregnancy at all.
Your little flutters are becoming a little more noticeable, although still few and far between. I'm excited for when they get stronger so Daddy and Anna can feel them - I think Anna's going to love that!

Daddy and I have started talking about names for you. We have a couple ideas, but nothing that we absolutely love yet. We plan to keep your name a secret until you're born - most likely because it won't be decided on til then anyway!
We also bought you a new stroller this last weekend. We were up visiting friends and we all went to Buy, Buy, Baby and they had a nice stroller on clearance for super cheap. We took it back to our friends' place to see if we liked it and we did. We got such a good deal. So now we'll plan on selling Anna's old car seat/stroller combo so that we can get you a new car seat that fits in with this type of stroller. Your closet is full of stuff - diapers, wipes, clothes, toys, books, etc. I'm getting excited to start working (watching Daddy work) on your room. Hopefully once things settle down for him at work he'll be able to start spending time on it.

Monday, September 11 - 17 w, 4d
Not too much to update here. I've been feeling really good the past few days. I haven't felt much movement from you, but I know it's still early. I'm really looking forward to my appointment on Thursday. It's just an ultrasound - no doctor visit. Just looking forward to more good news.
Daddy, Anna and I went to Hobby Lobby this weekend to try to get some ideas for your bedroom. They had some cute stuff that gave us a few ideas, but nothing set in stone yet. Daddy has a lot to do in your room before we can even think to start decorating. I can't believe we're almost half way through this pregnancy already. It feels like it's flying by! I know February is going to be here before we know it.

Wednesday, September 13 - 17w, 6d
I've started to have a fear creep slowly back into my thoughts over the last day or so. I'm terrified that when I go for my ultrasound tomorrow that you aren't going to be moving. I'm so afraid that you won't have a heart beat.
Physically, I've been feeling just fine and I have had no signs of issues, but something is making me really nervous. I don't know if it's because things are finally starting to settle down with work, school, home, etc., so I'm thinking about you more often. I don't know if it's because we're just getting closer to the day when the twins were born (19w, 4d), or the anniversary of when Alayna died. There's a lot of sadness approaching and I guess I'm just expecting something else to go wrong, too.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

14 & 15 Weeks


Saturday, August 26 - 15w, 2d
Little brother, I already feel like you've got the "second child syndrome" where we're forgetting about you....don't worry, I think about you every single day! But finding time to write to you during the first couple weeks of school has been really hard! That picture above is already over a week old and I feel like I've grown a little more since then. You're about 4 inches long now, according to my app, and can bend your arms and legs now.

I swear I have felt you move a couple times over the last week, especially last night. I could have sworn you were flailing your arms & legs temper-tantrum style for a couple seconds yesterday evening. Either that, or it was just a ton of gas bubbles at once (doubt it). It's mostly been tiny little flickers here and there which I'm not 100% sure are from you, but I tell myself they are because it's reassuring to me.

I am really looking forward to seeing you on the ultrasound next week! I haven't been able to see you since you were eight weeks along (and you looked like a blob), so I'm very excited to see how developed you are and to see your little face! I'll now be going every two weeks from 16-24 weeks so the doctors can monitor my cervix. I'm very glad that I haven't been having any weird or strange feelings/symptoms. We're approaching that time in my pregnancy where it started happening with the twins, so I'll definitely be on high alert over the next month or so! I can definitely tell you're growing though because my belly is finally starting to get hard (it's been a CF belly for a while) and I've been experiencing stretching and groin pain from my expanding uterus. I know these are good things, but I worry about having the discomfort so low again. It just brings back lots of memories from this past winter. I'm guessing I just carry my babies low - which is good for my lungs, but makes me nervous that you're too low....not quite yet, but as you grow bigger and start putting pressure down there.

In other news, I've been feeling pretty good. I'm getting ready to start Cayston back up again next week which should help give my lungs a boost for my appointment at the end of September. School is overwhelming at this time of the year, but it always is. I'm also beginning my Master's degree (something I never thought I'd do), so that's putting some added stress on my plate. But, I've got a great local support system and when it's over, it'll be an amazing feeling of accomplishment.

Friday, August 18, 2017

12 & 13 Weeks



Friday, August 4 - 12w, 1d
One more day!! Tomorrow everyone will be finding out about you and your cousin during Anna's birthday party.

Saturday, August 5 - 12w, 2d
This is it, folks! Anna's third birthday party day is here and people will be finding out about two more babies entering our family this winter, very soon! I didn't sleep the best and I'm tired already (it's only 11:30am), but I know we're going to have a fun afternoon. Anna is very excited that it's "party day" and what she thinks is her birthday. I put her down for a nap a bit ago hoping that she'll get a little sleep before the exciting afternoon, but I can hear her playing in her bed, so we'll see how that works out. Hopefully she'll crash. Well, I'll update more this evening!! :-)

Thursday, August 10 - 13 weeks
Things have been so busy that I haven't written in a while. We celebrated Anna's birthday on Saturday, announced this pregnancy that evening, then recovered from the party basically the rest of the weekend. Everyone was so surprised (mostly surprised about Elise!!) at the party about your announcement. Grandma and Shirley were a little suspicious because Anna's been talking about "the baby" at Grandma's lately, so they were waiting. Grandma is also very excited to have two little babies again later this winter. I am so excited for these two cousins to grow up together as Anna and Liam have. :)

OHH, how could I forget, we found out if you're a boy or girl on Monday!! I can't wait to share! I was planning on sharing on Anna's birthday, but decided to hold it in just a little bit longer. Maybe on the first day of school next week. :)

It's been nice having people know about this pregnancy. It's nice to have the support of other people and to not have to hide my growing belly. I've been feeling really good lately and my stress level has been manageable over the last week or so, which has been really nice.

Tuesday, August 15 - 13w, 5d
We're starting to get back into the school grind.  Yesterday was my first day back and Anna's Open House. Daddy was able to take her to drop off her supplies and meet her teacher. She loved it! I've got a very large class this  year, 27, double what I had last year. It's going to be tough, but I know we'll make it work.

Sunday night into Monday I had a dream, again (this is my second one), that you were born too early. When I have dreams like that, it takes me a long time to fall back asleep because I just keep thinking about all of the "what-ifs". I had myself convinced at 2:30 that morning that later in the day I was going to call MFM and schedule an extra appointment to check on you for my own sanity, but by the time I got up for the day and was distracted by work, I felt a lot better and never called MFM. I really don't think these feelings of anxiety will ever go away, although I'm glad they are few and far between, for now. I'm guessing as we approach 19-20 weeks, when I lost the twins, I'll be having a few more worries, but for now I'm going to just keep going day by day.
I've been feeling pretty good, although I think you've grown a bit this last week because I'm feeling some stretching and I feel a little bigger. I feel a little pop or flick every now and then, and I'm sure it's gas, but I let myself think it's you, just to reassure me that you're moving and grooving in there. :)

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Back to School

Happy first day of school from Daddy, Mommy, Anna and little brother! :-)
We survived the first day of school!!! Anna had her first day of preschool and I began my sixth year of teaching. I'm so glad Tim was able to take the day off and bring Anna on her first day...even though I was sad it wasn't me. Tim said she walked right up to her teacher in the lobby when she called her name and walked down the hall with all of the other kids without looking back. What a big girl!!


As soon as I was out of school, I rushed home so I could go with Tim to pick her up. We pulled around and she was trying so hard not to smile huge when she saw us ready to get her - it was so cute! Her assistant got her into the car, buckled her, told us how sweaty she got today and that she had a good day. :) It took her a minute when she got in the car, but once I got Anna talking, she talked for a long time! She was SO excited! She told me about school, she told me about her imaginary friend, and absolutely anything she could think of, she was just so happy.
We decided to celebrate this big day with some ice cream from Krekel's after. :) Anna enjoyed a strawberry cone with sprinkles, and Tim & I split a chocolate. She played outside for a little while this evening, ate dinner, took a bath, read some stories and was in bed by 8:00pm. She's been so tired this week because she's been getting up early, that I'm curious to see how late she sleeps in this weekend!

Highlights from Anna's day:

  • Wearing her new school shoes (even without socks, oops!)
  • Cold water - she was "so, so sweaty"
  • She found a Bubble Guppies book in her classroom and read it
  • The teacher read a "school book" and "pirate book" 
  • There were "ten kids in my classroom" 
  • Our neighbor asked Anna how her day went and she replied, "Great!" 
  • She told me all about how they got cold water in cups without lids. She drank it "carefully and slowly". Then she threw the cup in the garbage and washed her hands, but the soap wouldn't work at first. 
  • She sat on the carpet that had a pattern on it

Overall, I think she had a wonderful first day. She's excited to go back tomorrow! I am so happy that she had such a positive experience today. 

On my end, I had a pretty good day, too. 23 of my 27 students showed up today, so that was kind of nice. The students were all very excited to see each other and were a bit chatty, but they seem to be a good group. I'm excited to see how this school year unfolds - my partner and I have some cool ideas for this year. :) 

Anna and I are both completely exhausted, but I'm sure we'll both have a great next two days. I am looking forward to sleeping in this weekend and relaxing. Every year I forget how stressful and exhausting the beginning of the year is, but it's also so exciting and fun to start over with a brand new class. 

Saturday, August 12, 2017

10 & 11 Weeks

Friday, July 21 - 10w, 1 d
Here you can see my day-to-day belly
Ten weeks, it's hard to believe. I feel like summer just began. I feel like we just went through IVF. It also means that we're just two weeks out from spilling the beans about you, little bean, and your cousin! Although, around town, I haven't really been hiding it physically. Some of our friends know, and the most important people will find out your sister's birthday party, so who cares if people in town know - who are they going to tell?

This picture is cuter, but makes me look bigger than I am
Third pregnancy + CF belly + previously pregnant with twins = Big belly already (especially since I'm still in my first trimester). I don't care anymore. I'm just embracing it. I'm hoping that'll make me realize that this is real. 

I decided to do our belly pictures in front of your room. Then throughout the progression of the pregnancy, we can also see the progression of your room coming together. As you can see, right now it's a HOT mess, but this was taken yesterday. Since then I've taken all of my school stuff to my classroom yesterday, and took all of our left over garage sale stuff to charity today, so it's already a little clearer. Daddy has a lot of work to do, but we've got time. :)

Monday, July 24 - 10w, 4d
I've been feeling really good over the last few days. There are still some things that don't smell or look appetizing sometimes, but if I remember correctly, that's going to happen for a while. Other than that, I've been doing well. I'm working on keeping my sugars in check, which sometimes I'm better about than others.

I think deciding to do the pictures in front of your room, plus Anna's upcoming birthday party, really has motivated Daddy to start working on your room. We're going to move my desk to the basement, my treatments into the living room, and the butcher block table to either the shed or the basement. Once we do that, we can focus on your room. We (and by we, I really mean Daddy) need to removed the popcorn from the ceiling and fix the bulge/crack. Then we're going to add the same type of ceiling that's in Anna's room (white-washed something, I can't remember what it's called - that's been happening a lot lately). Daddy will also have to drywall over where the doorway used to be to the kitchen. He also wants to add access to the attic through your room, but it'll be closed off for now. Then comes the painting, decorating and organizing. He'll be quite busy, but I'm excited to see it several months from now! :) 

Tuesday, July 25 - 10w, 5d
I am getting really sick of these progesterone shots! Daddy's been giving me one every night for exactly two months now. My skin has been super sensitive to everything since getting pregnant, so it gets really irritated if I leave a band-aid on for too long. My right side has been bleeding a lot after the last few times, and my left side is itchy and irritated. We're getting so close to being done, I hope. The fertility clinic said August 4th (next Friday!) would be my last one, but I'll be double checking with MFM on Monday.

Sunday, July 30 - 11w, 3d
My appointment is tomorrow afternoon and I'm getting nervous & excited. I know that you'll start to look slightly more baby-like and I'm excited for Anna to see you. I don't think the nerves before each appointment will ever go away.

Monday, July 31 - 11w, 4d
Just got back from my doctors appointment. We did not have an ultrasound today, but we (Anna and I) were able to hear your heart beat through the Doppler. It was a nice, strong 180bpm and the nurse said that you were moving around a lot. She had to keep searching for you - she'd get your heart beat and then you'd move! It was reassuring the hear your heart beat, twice, as well as the nurse telling me that everything sounded great. She could hear some little bumps that she said was from you moving around, too. I'm glad you're active and I can't wait until I can start feeling it myself.

Today, I also got my blood drawn to check for chromosomal abnormalities. This is also the test that will tell us your gender! I was really hoping we'd have the results by Saturday to add in with our pregnancy announcement, but the results take 7-10 days to get back, so we'll find out next week. That's still exciting and I can't wait to know.

I forgot to ask about when I can stop my progesterone, so luckily I have one of the doctor's cell phone numbers - I just texted her to ask. The fertility clinic told me August 4 (this Friday) would be my last day, but I wanted to double check with MFM.

She just texted me back & I can stop on Friday, woo hoo!! Daddy's going to be so excited, too. That means, he's done 70 progesterone injections (and I've done one) since May 25th!!

I go back to the doctor in a month, at 16 weeks, but from there they will check me every two weeks, from 16-24 weeks to make sure that nothing is happening with my cervix. She said that since I didn't make it to 20 weeks with the twins, it's technically considered a miscarriage, but they're going to treat it like a previous preterm labor because it basically was. So they're going to be extra cautious and check me every two weeks for a while to make sure my cervix doesn't show any signs of shortening or opening. If it does, then there are options, but hopefully we won't have any issues -- but it's nice to know that they're planning on seeing me a lot and they were so nice today about telling me to call WHENEVER and if I ever have questions or issues.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

8 & 9 Weeks

Thursday, July 6 - 8 weeks
Anna and I got to see you today, little Bean! You pretty much just looked like a blob, but I saw your flickering heart and heard that beautiful sound. Your heart rate was 172bpm which is completely normal and you are measuring right on track. :)
My right ovary is still pretty swollen and has a couple cysts, but they said that's okay and I need the hormones from them to help support the pregnancy. I haven't been having any pain on my right side that I've noticed, so I'll have to keep that in mind over the next few weeks to see if I notice any pain/discomfort.
Even with seeing you today, I still feel anxious and a little stressed out. Today's appointment was reassuring, but it's like as soon as it was over, I started getting stressed for the next one, or what could happen in between. I feel like I'm going to be this way for the rest of the pregnancy. I know I just need to embrace this pregnancy, but it's hard. I'm so afraid something is going to go wrong.

Monday, July 10 - 8w, 3d
I've been having more typical pregnancy symptoms lately, which makes me think you're a boy even more. Looking back at first trimester posts from when I was pregnant with Anna and then the twins, I had similar feelings with the twins and basically zero symptoms with Anna.
I've been having more feelings of nausea throughout the day, and each day is different. Friday and Saturday, I felt pretty gross all day - nothing sounded good, but if I didn't eat, then I felt worse. Or after I ate I would feel like I might get sick. I haven't thrown up yet, but the nauseous feeling lingering around isn't fun either. I'm also very exhausted still. Sometimes I'll be tired enough to take a nap (like I did on Saturday at Chris & Sammy's), but other times my body just feels tired. Today and yesterday I've had lots of gas and bloating which is never fun. Of course I know that I should try to eat better, but sometimes I just eat what I can....and then feel sick after eating it.

It all sounds rough and miserable, but I really shouldn't be complaining. All of these symptoms are actually a little reassuring because I know they're normal in pregnancy and it means that my body is just reacting to the developing baby inside me. And after talking with a couple other CF moms, the bloating and exhaustion could be a symptom of the progesterone injection Tim gives me each night. According to the fertility clinic, my last day for those is August 4th. I'll double check with my MFM team at my next appointment (July 31), but its nice to see an end in sight.

Wednesday, July 19 - 9w, 6d
It's been an uneventful week in the baby-world over here. The nausea spurts are getting fewer and farther between and my exhaustion is manageable without a nap lately, but I'm still having some food aversions sometimes (I'm pretty sure that will last the whole pregnancy).
Starting last Thursday, at 9 weeks, I started checking my blood sugars. I know they're going to start asking me to do it soon, so I figure I might as well start. I've been doing pretty well, but my fasting has been over 100 and my dinners are usually a little high, so I have to work on those. But I can already tell what a huge difference in the management between one baby and twins! When I was pregnant with the twins, my blood sugars were constantly all over the place. This week, they've been about what I expect, so it's definitely less stressful and more manageable.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

3 Years Old!!!

Anna, today (Aug 8) you are THREE years old!

  • You've gone from calling me Mommy, to Momma, and now Mom. It's weird, but cute. You've also started called Daddy, "Dad" the last couple weeks. Sometimes it varies, but it's fun to hear what comes out of your mouth.
  • You are so sassy! It started a few weeks ago and man, is it exhausting! Bedtime is the worst of it, but sometimes you just love to pick a fight. You're developing a little attitude when you talk sometimes & we are surprised, again, to hear the things that come out of your mouth...
  • You talk A LOT! It's fun listening to you tell stories about your "friend" who is always named something silly & is a boy, and all of the cool things they've done. Your imagination is huge and I love that about you. You are really good at holding a conversation, too. 
  • You love to be outside. You don't care if its 100 degrees or 70 degrees. You don't care if it's raining, or buggy, or windy. If you're outside, you're happy. You love to dig in the dirt, get dirty, do whatever Daddy is doing, ride your bike and your scooter, climb on anything/everything, play at the park, and follow Berkley around everywhere. Probably about 99% of the time, you're "walking barefooting" as you call it. The bottoms of your feet have often been black all summer long and you typically have at least 10 mosquito bites all over your body. (You obviously get these qualities from your Daddy, not me!)
  • You are currently obsessed with the movie, Trolls. When we first started watching it, we'd have dance parties because we all loved the music so much. Then you got to the point when you wanted to watch it every single time I did my treatments. It's getting a bit old, but you got the soundtrack for your birthday, so I'm sure we'll be jamming to that in the car for a while. 
  • You know most of your letters, can count to twelve (then you say 18, 19, 20, 21). We haven't been working on it as intensely lately because I know that you just pick up on it as it's introduced to you. You can also write your first name as AnnA. 
  • You still love to read and insist on reading a book before nap and bedtime every day. We just got a bunch of new Usborne books from Aunt Katrina's parties, so I'm excited to read all of those with you! You also love going to the library and picking random books off the shelf for us to bring home - we've found some really good ones...and really bad ones :) 
  • You're starting preschool in exactly eight days! I am SO excited for you because I really think you're going to love it! Now that you're finally three, you know that you're going to preschool soon and are getting excited, too. 
  • You're going to be a big sister, again! I cannot wait to see you interact with Rainbow Bean when it's born! You are going to be an amazing big sister! 
  • You are 36.5" tall and weigh in at 26 lbs, which means you've grown 3.5 inches and have gained almost 5lbs since turning two! The doctor is very pleased with your growth and I am, too!
You have developed such a personality over this last year. You love your friends and family, and get crazy/silly around those you're comfortable with. Your sass comes out when you're tired and typically put up some kind of fight (or a million excuses) at bedtime. You're an outdoor girl, which Daddy loves, but you're also a little bookworm and love to read & color, which I love. I really think you're the perfect mix of Daddy and I's personalities. I'm so excited to see you flourish in preschool this year. I hope you make friends, are nice to others, listen to the teacher, have lots of fun, and of course, learn so much! I love, and always will (even when you're a difficult teenager), your independence. It makes me happy to see that you have confidence to do things on your own. Even today, you insisted on taking your own shower, so I walked you through step-by-step on how to wash your hair & body. You are little growing up right in front of our eyes, little peanut, and you make us SO proud! We love you so much!! :-) 

Monday, August 7, 2017

6 & 7 Weeks

Saturday, June 24 - 6w, 2d
I went to my CF appointment on Thursday and told Dr. Dowell about you. I hadn't seen her since we lost your brothers (She said "The rug wasn't pulled out from under you, the whole floor was."), so it was pretty emotional for both of us. We had a nice little hug and cry together as I talked about how nervous I am to be pregnant again. We both agreed that hopefully with it just being one little baby it should be better on my body. She encouraged me to start exercising, even if it's just walking, to help with some stress and to help my lungs and body to prepare for a growing baby, and eventually, labor. 

I called the MFM team yesterday to try to schedule my next appointment, but they won't even consider it, even though I've been there in the past, until the get a referral. So I had to call the fertility clinic and they called a referral into MFM for me in the afternoon. I'll try to call again on Monday to hopefully get something scheduled within the next week or two. I just want to see that you're in there - with a tiny little body and a beautiful beating heart.

Thursday, June 29 - 7 weeks
One more week until we see you little Bean! The high risk clinic won't see me until we have a viable heart beat, so I'm heading back to the fertility clinic for another ultrasound next Thursday. You'll be eight weeks along then, so I'm excited to see how big you are already.

The last few days, I've had a feeling that you're a boy and I'm not sure why. I just can't picture you as a girl. It might be because I was expecting two little boys last time, but I'm not sure. Speaking of, yesterday was my "due date" with the twins. Now, I don't know any twin moms who actually carry their babies til 40 weeks, but it was still a little hard to see the words "Due date!" written on the calendar. I have a lot of mixed emotions being pregnant again. I have a hard time believing that I am pregnant because I haven't seen/heard your heart beat, but also because I'm afraid of getting attached and losing you, too.

I've still been pretty tired, but haven't taken a nap since Sunday. Yesterday and today I had a little bit of a queasy/nauseous feeling every now and then (like when brushing my teeth), but nothing too terrible. I had this with the twins, too, so I think that's maybe why I'm thinking you're a boy.

I cannot wait to tell everyone. As much as I don't want the summer to fly by, I can't wait to spill the beans at Anna's birthday party! And it's going to be double the surprise when they find out Elise is pregnant, too, and that we're only ten days apart! :) I hope that once everyone knows it'll help make it feel more real for me, too.

Tuesday, July 4 - 7w, 5d
Still feeling exhausted, but not tired enough to nap. It's like my body is just tired. I've had more food aversions this week. Things aren't sounding good and I'm having to make myself eat sometimes, not feeling hungry very often. I'm still thinking you're a boy, but while I was looking in the baby name book yesterday, I made sure to jot down a couple girl names I like, just in case. These little symptoms are reassuring me that you're growing and developing. Two more days and we'll be able to see you, finally!

Wednesday, July 5 - 7w, 6d
I'm 29 years old today! Mama's feeling old! I'm so anxious for my appointment tomorrow. Again, I'm just worried that something is going to be wrong and I don't think that feeling is going to go away until you're safely, full term, in my arms.
Daddy got me your baby book, a monthly picture frame like Anna has, and a picture frame for your ultrasound pictures that says "We love you already" today for my birthday. I didn't know whether to cry or get excited. I can't bring myself to fully embrace this pregnancy yet because I haven't seen you, so hopefully tomorrow a little weight will be lifted off of my shoulders. 

Sunday, August 6, 2017

4 & 5 Weeks

Friday, June 9 -  10 days post-transfer, 4 weeks pregnant?
Wow! I can't believe our first round of IVF worked! This morning I had my first blood draw to see if I am pregnant. Dr. Loret De Mola called me, with Jim the embryologist and some nurses on speaker, and told me, "You're going to be a mommy again!" I was shaking and so excited! My level was 188 and he said that everything looks great! He wants to me continue the progesterone shots and come back Tuesday for a follow-up blood test to make sure that my HCG levels are increasing appropriately.

It's weird because I don't feel pregnant, so I think it's going to take some time for it to really sink in - I can't wait for our first ultrasound! This pregnancy is going to be completely different than my last two. Judging by my levels, we've got one little peanut growing in there - thank goodness! That immediately gives me some reassurance because I know that I can and have carried one baby successfully to term. The part that worries me is my cervix. Is it going to permanently have issues because of what happened with the twins? Or is it a pregnancy by pregnancy issue and it'll be completely fine? Of course I won't know the answer to these questions until much further on, but they're already on my mind.

I will try my best to take it easy, but sometimes that's difficult with an almost 3 year old at home. I've been on lifting restrictions for the last ten days and that's been really hard. I wasn't supposed to lift over 20 lbs. Luckily Anna's a tiny little thing and is only about 24lbs, but telling her I can't lift her was sad, and of course, there were times when I just needed to. Tim was excellent about doing things for her so that I wasn't straining myself. I feel like I should keep those restrictions on myself until/unless I'm told otherwise. I am going to be picking apart every little symptom and feeling for the next nine months, but if it brings us a healthy baby, then it'll be 100% worth it.

I just want to shout to the whole world that it worked!!! Hopefully soon people will be reading this! :)

Wednesday, June 14 - 4 weeks, 6 days *I think*
Yesterday I went in for repeat blood work to make sure my levels were increasing & they are! I was at 731 yesterday with my progesterone greater than 40 which is excellent! Our first ultrasound is scheduled for a week from today. I'm a little worried that it's going to be too early to see/hear the heart beat, but I hope not.
I still don't feel pregnant at all. My boobs are slowly beginning to get a little tender, but otherwise I've been feeling relatively normal - maybe a little more tired than usual. Tim jokes that I already have "pregnancy brain" any time I mix something up or can't think of a word...I think part of it is just "I'm on summer break and don't want to think-brain".

Friday, June 16 - 5w, 1d
It's been a week since I found out that I'm pregnant and sometimes I forget, but yesterday into today, the fatigue has hit! I was exhausted last night and slept pretty well overnight. I also took a two hour nap this afternoon while Anna was sleeping. I don't remember being this tired with either of my other pregnancies, but they say each one is different. My boobs are definitely not sore yet, but I have felt a little bit of stretching pains now and then. Pretty much nothing out of the ordinary except feeling like my energy is gone today! Thank goodness Anna is pretty good at entertaining herself, but I still feel bad that I don't feel like doing anything. Hopefully this doesn't last long.

Today's "issue" (which isn't really an issue) is continuing my progesterone. I'll be on it through my first trimester, through my 12th week, which means 7 more weeks to go. I can either continue with my one evening injection which is much less expensive, but makes us feel like we have a "curfew" at night because it has to be given at the same time each night and we've been doing 8:30. Or, I can do the vaginal suppositories, which I was on when I was pregnant with Anna. They're kind of gross, but can be done twice a day (morning/night) without such strict time restrictions. The problem with those is that they're expensive! I just picked up 15 doses, which would be 7.5 days worth, for $40! I'm not sure that I want to pay $40 a week for the next seven weeks... Right now I'm having the fertility clinic call it into my mail order pharmacy to see if I'll be able to get a larger quantity or lower copay (or both). If not, I might just continue with the injections because they are way less expensive. We'll see what pans out over the next few days. Right now I'm going to continue the injections, I have ten left, until we hear from the mail order pharmacy.

Monday, June 19 - 5w, 4d
Holy fatigue! Friday, yesterday, and today I've taken a nap when Anna takes hers. Thankfully she's been sleeping for around two hours each day, so I've been able to get in a nice nap, too. I'm taking this as a good sign that our little Bean is developing as he/she should. :) I can't wait to see him/her on Wednesday!

Wednesday, June 21 - 5w, 6d
Today's the day we get to see our little bean and I'm so nervous. I'm so afraid something is going to be wrong, or there isn't going to be a baby there. I imagine this is what it's going to be like for the next nine months before doctor appointments...Of course the appointment isn't until 2:30, so we have a lot of time to waste this morning.

Yesterday Anna and I went shopping at Target and she wanted to get the baby some clothes. She picked out a pink Superman onsie (so they can match) and I grabbed a blue one, so we have those ready to share when we find out what this baby is. Anna is very excited already. She pats my belly sometimes and talks about the baby in my belly. I told her that we're going to see it today and a few days ago she asked, "I can hold the baby?!" I explained that we have to wait for the baby to grow really big ("like me?" - not that big) before it comes out and we can hold it.

Evening update: We were able to see the sac surrounding baby and the yolk sac, but the baby was too small to see or hear a heart beat (she said just smaller than 3mm). As soon as she put the ultrasound thing in, Anna said, "Aww, there's the baby" even though she had no idea what she was looking at and it wasn't on the screen. It was cute and I'm excited to take her to future ultrasounds so she can watch Bean grow. I was right about how far along I am, and the nurse and doctor reassured us that everything looks wonderful for this gestational age. They weren't surprised that we couldn't see the heart beat, but the doctor is going to be gone next week so he wanted to see all of his IVF patients before he leaves.
The nurse originally said they wanted to see me back in two weeks to confirm a heart beat, but the doctor told me I'm welcome to go see my high-risk team now. Since I'm going to Chicago for my CF appointment tomorrow, I'll probably contact my high-risk team on Friday to see when the soonest I can get in. I'm anxious and excited to get back to that team. I love them and I'm hopeful that they'll do everything they can to help ease my stress during this pregnancy. I feel slightly reassured after today's appointment, but I'm still a little stressed because we couldn't hear the baby. I was so nervous throughout the whole appointment, but the doctor and nurse assured us several times that everything looks perfectly normal. For now, I just go day by day until I have another appointment scheduled.

I'm looking forward to seeing my CF doctor tomorrow. I didn't get to see her in April, so we haven't really discussed losing the boys yet (I did call her the day it happened, but we haven't fully talked about it). She know we're going through the IVF process, but she doesn't know I'm pregnant. I'm excited to tell her. :) Tomorrow I'll be six weeks. It seems like I've known for so much longer and that I should be further along, but that's what happens when you find out at 4 weeks!

Our Infertility Journey: Round Three, Part Three

Click here for Part One

Click here for Part Two

Thursday, May 25 - Retrieval Day
It's the morning of retrieval and I'm getting so excited to see how many eggs they're able to get today! I haven't really thought about the fact that I'll be sedated and having a procedure, that hasn't really made me nervous yet. I'm just so anxious to see how the next three-five days go, and I'm already looking forward to the transfer. :)

PM update: Well my nerves set in pretty much as soon as we got there. We arrived a few minutes early, but they were waiting for us and took us back immediately. They had me take a pill, then set up my IV. The woman who did it was fantastic and got me in the elbow crack on the first poke. :) They had me change into a gown and told Tim to put XXL "scrubs" over his clothes - he looked hilarious! We both had to wear the hairnets and booties, then they brought us back. When they laid me on the table, they hooked up a blood pressure cuff, O2 monitor on my finger, put an O2 canal in my nose and that's when I started getting nervous because I was about to be knocked out. They wheeled me back into the procedure room next door and had Tim stay in the recovery room, but he was able to watch what they were doing on the TV.

I remember when they wheeled me in the fertility doctor said, "you ready?" and I said, "this is kind of intimidating!" and he calmly said,"no, you'll be fine". Then the nurse explained that she was going to be right by my head and that if I open my eyes during the procedure, I might see her and hear them all talking. Then she started putting the meds into my IV and I kind of remember them saying, "is she still awake?". During the procedure, I remember hearing the doctor count, "9, 10" and then later I felt some pressure/cramping and heard him say "14"...then I was out again.

After they were done, I kind of remember waking up and them making me stumble (with their help) back into the recovery room where I just laid and slept. Tim went to do his part and I didn't want to move when he got back - I was so tired! While I was in recovery, I remember coughing a few times and having a really productive cough, but I just swallowed the mucus because I was too sore to move. I remember asking Tim how many they got, or maybe saying, "did they get 14?" I'm sure I asked him a few times. Finally, I had a few sips of water and Tim helped me get dressed, then they wheeled me out to the car.

After leaving the fertility clinic, I felt kind of nauseous, but just assumed it was because of being sedated. We stopped to get gas and I ended up throwing up. I was trying to text our neighbor who was watching Anna, but I couldn't focus. I just opened the passenger door and threw up on the ground, haha! It was all mucus and water. I think I threw up about 3-4 times, but I felt a lot better after I did. I slept pretty much all of the way home (we were home around 11:30, I think) and wobbled straight to bed. At some point, Anna came in and slept with me for a little while, according to Tim. I don't remember much. I tried to get up and eat around 2:30 or so, but felt like I was going to throw up again, so I just went back to bed and slept til about 5-5:30.

I finally got up, went outside with Tim and Anna for a few minutes, and then just hung out on the couch for the rest of the night. I was able to eat and drink a bit without feeling too sick. I haven't taken any pain meds and don't feel too horrible. I feel kind of crampy, but it's bearable. I'm not allowed to lift anything over 20lbs (Anna) until after my pregnancy test in a couple weeks. And now I'll be anxiously awaiting the call from Jim, the embryologist, tomorrow to see how many of the 14 follicles fertilized and made it through the night.

I also had to start Medrol (pill) until the transfer and also progesterone shots. Those shots are intimidating and I've heard they're awful. They have to be given in the upper, outer butt region, into the muscle by Tim. I was SO nervous that it was going to hurt so bad, especially with him giving it to me instead of me just doing it myself, but he did so good! It didn't hurt as bad as I expected it to, so tomorrow night when he does it, hopefully I won't be shaking like I was tonight!

Friday, May 26
Just got my phone call today and it's good news! Out of the 14 eggs they got yesterday, 10 of them have fertilized into embryos!! The embryologist said that typically 50% of them will make it to day 5 (today being day 1), so we're hoping that we'll have five good embryos on Tuesday. From there, they'll take the best one to implant and freeze any left overs. I'm hoping this weekend goes by quickly and that things go well Tuesday afternoon. :-)

Sunday, May 28
Anxiously awaiting the call about our little embryos!

We have NINE perfect little embryos still going (one looks a bit odd, haha)!! He still thinks that we'll have about five by Tuesday, which will give us a great chance of picking the best of the best to implant and freeze the rest! :) I am SO happy that all of this is going so well! I really have been pretty relaxed over the last couple of weeks because everything has been going the way it should be and that's very reassuring right now.

Monday, May 29
It's been four days since our little embryos became fertilized and started developing. Tomorrow, we'll go in and they'll pick "the best" one to implant in my uterus (and hope there are a few great ones to freeze). About this time in development, the embryo is ready to embed itself into the uterine lining and begin developing even more. I have VERY high hopes that this little bean will stick and thus begins the next worried nine months of my life. I am ready to embark on this pregnancy journey again, no matter what happens. I'm ready for some good news. I'm prepared to worry a lot. I'm ready to finally bring home a baby brother or sister for Anna (which she thinks grows in my belly and then comes out my butt!). We're set to go in for a blood pregnancy test on June 9th, which is two weeks from the first day of fertilization, so I really hope the next week and a half pass by quickly or that I start feeling different soon.

Wednesday, May 31 - One day post-transfer
Just under 24 hours ago, we watched our precious little embryo go from the lab's petri dish, where it's been under great care, into my uterus where we hope it'll begin to develop into a beautiful little fetus. We even got our first ultrasound picture of our tiny little white "speck" after the procedure was done.

The procedure itself was relatively easy. The hardest part was trying not to pee myself! So, directions were to come to the office with a full bladder because....well, I'm not sure why, but I'm a rule-follower. So I tried to hydrate really well in the days leading up to the transfer and drank a lot of Gatorade on the way there. We arrived about a half hour early (again, as they told me to) and I already needed to pee then, but figured I could hold it for 30 minutes. Turns out for some reason the doctor was running late and the procedure didn't begin for an hour and a half after we arrived! I'm sure Tim was tired of listening to me complain about how BAD I had to pee, but it was torture! I ended up asking to go a little bit because I couldn't hold it anymore....it was a very temporary relief.

Anyway, around 1:45ish, they walked us back into the same area as the retrieval. We put on our booties and hairnets and walked into the room where the doctor told us we had a "beautiful embryo". They set up an external ultrasound on my belly while the doctor prepared me. The room was adjacent to the lab, so we literally watched the embryologist put our little embryo under the microscope which projected onto the TV in our room. We were able to see it move around a little bit before he sucked it into the catheter. He handed the catheter through the window joining the rooms, to the doctor who then used the ultrasound to guide the insertion of the embryo way up into my uterus. It was fascinating to watch! And took all of about five minutes! Finally, they emptied my bladder for me (such relief!) and reclined me back in the bed. The pushed the bed into the recovery room where I laid, and Tim sat, for 35 minutes. After that, I was able to get dressed and leave. My only instructions were to take it easy the rest of the day and all of the day today.

I decided to ask Grandma watch Anna today so that I could really take it easy as the doctor told me I should. I'm allowed to resume normal activity tomorrow, but try not to stay on my feet too long and I'm still not allowed to lift over 20lbs. This has been tough because I've never realized how much I pick up Anna during the day - whether it's to help her reach/see something, get in or out of the car or shopping cart, or just when she needs a little snuggle, especially at bedtime. We've explained to her that I can't pick her up right now because I was a little sore (after the transfer) and then that the doctors put a baby in my belly yesterday. Of course she doesn't quite understand what that could mean months from now, but it satisfied her questioning and we've been holding hands to go to bed instead of me carrying her, and she's been really good about letting Tim do more things for her. She's also been talking about me having baby(ies) in my belly since being pregnant with the twins, so this is not really new for her to hear.

Oh, and how could I forget - we have some embryos to freeze! Before the transfer yesterday, the embryologist came to talk with us about our little embryos. He said they chose the best and most mature one to implant yesterday, but that I'd likely have another 3-4 to freeze today. He wanted to let them develop for another day before deciding how many and which ones to freeze, so I'm curious to know how many he chose. I'm excited that we have the possibility of doing this again without having to go through ALL of the steps. He said that frozen transfer would definitely not be as many appointments and that I'd probably be doing an oral medication (not injections) and a patch, along with the progesterone shots leading up to the transfer. This definitely gives me some peace of mind because even if this little bean that's in there now doesn't stick, we have some "back-ups" ready to go. This also makes me excited that we may be able to have more kids down the road. It's been a lot to process over the last few weeks, but I can honestly say that I've had a good experience. I was so nervous before beginning, but it's all been working out so well. I hope that we're able to bring home our rainbow baby in nine months (and no sooner!).

And now we wait until next Friday, and I will soak up every minute with my beautiful baby little girl because we are so lucky to have her! :)

Friday, June 2 - 3 days post-transfer
One more week!! I was very tempted to take a pregnancy test this morning just because, but I restrained myself. I know it's way too early, but maybe Sunday or Monday...haha! I'm not noticing any huge symptoms or signs yet. I am still having some cramping in my uterus area, but that's about it. Oh, and tonight, my face is kind of oily and is breaking out, but that could just be because I was outside all day for our garage sale. I've been trying to take it easy as much as possible and Tim's still giving me my nightly progesterone injection. He's been very helpful around the house and with Anna these last few days.

Sunday, June 4 - 5 days post-transfer
I took a pregnancy test this morning just for the hell of it, but it was negative. It's still pretty early, but I'm getting anxious to know what's going on in there. I wish I was having some kind of physical symptoms, but I guess it's still kind of early for that, too. Hopefully Anna and I can keep busy during the days this week so that Friday will be here quickly.

Monday, June 5 - 6 days post-transfer
Negative again. I keep feeling the sides of my boobs hoping they'll be sore one of these times. I know it's still technically early, but I'm dying over here! I plan to test every day this week up to my blood test Friday morning. I'm sure this is going to be the longest week ever!

Afternoon addition: I've been thinking about that negative test all day! I'm starting to seriously doubt that the IVF worked. Even with a busy day today, it's constantly been on my mind. I just want to feel something, to reassure myself that it's working. But I also need to start considering that it may not have worked, and that we still have 3-4 embryos left to try again.

Tuesday, June 6 - One Week post-transfer
I took two tests this morning around 5am and was extremely disappointed when they looked negative. I laid in bed almost in tears thinking that this really might not work. Around 7, when I got up again, I decided to look at the tests, just to double check. Well, it looked like there might have been the faintest second line ever on them...but it also could have just been an evaporation line because it was two hours later. So I took another test (#3 for the day) and if I hold it in the correct light, I can see a second line. I'm REALLY hoping I'm not going crazy here. Thankfully we have plans all day, so the soonest I'll test again will be this evening. It's been 12 days since fertilization, which is about the earliest I've gotten the second line on my previous pregnancies, so we'll see. I am completely torn.

PM update: I took a fourth test today and there is the lightest second line ever there - even Tim saw it! I'm getting hopeful again...I have seven tests left and two more days until my blood test. I'm sure I'll use every single one of those tests through Friday morning. Let's just hope this line gets progressively darker these next couple days!

Wednesday, June 7 - 8 days post-transfer
The line definitely didn't get darker this morning. I'm making myself a mess obsessing over these little tests. If I really think about it, I'm not feeling any different at all, but I am over-analyzing everything. I feel silly writing this down each day, but I really am making myself go nuts over here. I know I should probably just stop testing and wait for the blood test Friday morning, but I'm so hoping that I will get a decent positive at home first. Right now I'm wondering if this super light second line is just because of the extra progesterone/hormones in my body from the IVF cycle. Just within the last 24 hours I've been down, then up, and now down again - I need to quit doing this to myself, but I just want to be pregnant so bad!!

Thursday, June 8 - 9 days post-transfer
I'm honestly feeling defeated. I have very little hope left. I took a test last night and another this morning and the lines were the same - super faint. It has not gotten any darker since Tuesday morning, so I'm taking that as the pregnancy isn't progressing, kind of similar to what happened after our very first IUI before Anna (when I had a very low number, just enough to register on the test, but then it went down) - that's what I'm guessing will happen. We'll have confirmation tomorrow, but as of right now, I'm expecting them to tell me it hasn't worked. I guess I could be surprised and get some good news, but I'm not counting on it. Right now I'm just trying to remind myself of the positives - that we have some frozen embryos and all summer to keep trying.
I appreciate my friends and sister-in-law who have helped keep me busy this week and have been extremely positive and reassuring as I drive myself crazy over this. It's just been so hard because I feel like we've gotten so close, twice now (the twins and now this), but it's just not working.

Friday, June 9 - 10 days post-transfer
It's darker, people! It's darker! Just between yesterday evening's test and this morning's. MAYBE, just maybe we might have some positive news....I can actually see the second line clearly without having to hold it at a weird angle or in certain light.

I'm back from Springfield and anxiously awaiting my phone call. I told the lady taking my blood that I felt like I was going to throw up because I was so nervous, haha. She said, "I just ask that you don't throw up on me." Then she asked if I cheated - I said, "uh yeah!" And she just laughed.
Even with the darker line this morning, I'm still nervous about the HCG level not being strong enough.

I'm pregnant!!!! My HCG level is 188, which is just one point lower than when I got pregnant with Anna. The fertility doctor was the one who called me (with everyone in the room with him on speaker) at about 11:25 this morning. I was so nervous because not only was he the one that called me, but it was also not the afternoon. This made my heart sink & I told him he was making me nervous! He said, "You're going to be a mommy again!" I almost started crying, my hands were shaking, and I was so happy! It's been a LONG ten days and I was extremely doubtful at times, and Tim was, too. The doctor told me that everything looks great, to keep up with the progesterone shots, and to come back on Tuesday morning for a follow-up blood test. If everything looks good from there, then we'll schedule an ultrasound. YAY!

And now the nerves kind of set in, in a different way. I really, really hope this pregnancy sticks! It's tricky right now because I literally am feeling no different. So to think, "I'm pregnant" still definitely hasn't set in (it's only been two hours) and I think it won't until we see the little baby and hear it's heartbeat. Even still, it's going to be hard to decide when to announce to everyone. I'm going to want to tell everyone immediately, but I know that Tim likes to be a bit more cautious and wait a little longer.

Tuesday, June 13 - Two weeks post-transfer
It's 3:37pm and I'm STILL waiting for the fertility clinic to call me back about my blood draw this morning! I'm currently doing my second set of treatments for the day, and if they don't call by the time I'm done, then I'm calling them!

Wednesday, June 14 - 15 days post-transfer
I called the clinic when I was done with my treatments and they "left a message for the nurse to call me." Probably about ten minutes later, they finally did call. She asked how I was doing, and I told her I was nervous. She said, "No need to be nervous." Woo hoo! My level climbed just as it was supposed to and was now at 731. I asked about my progesterone and she said it was well above 40! :) They'd like me to continue my progesterone injections and then when I'm out of those, I'm going to switch to the vaginal suppositories (same ones I was on when pregnant with Anna), I'm guessing for the first trimester. We have our first ultrasound scheduled for a week from today! I can't wait!

I guess this brings us to the end of Journey #3 - we're officially pregnant. Let's hope that this little bean sticks and makes his/her arrival later this winter. :-)