One Year Later

As we are approaching the one year mark of losing the twins, I can't help but feel many mixed emotions.

Some days I still am in disbelief that this even happened.

Some days, like earlier this week, the grief comes over me so strong (even if just for a few seconds) that it hurts.

Some days I feel content and know that there was nothing anyone could have done.

Some days I get angry because I used to believe "everything happens for a reason" and this did not.

Some days I sit and wonder how our lives would be different right now if the boys were born later in the pregnancy and lived. How would we be handling two mobile babies? How messy would our house really be with toys? Would Anna be an amazing big sister, or going a little crazy trying to keep up with them? Or would Tim and I be going a little crazy, too?!

Some days, I relive the day they were born and the guilt comes back full-fledge.

Some days I wonder why our family just wasn't allowed to keep these babies?

I still struggle with the though of how many children do we have? Two? Four?

Some days I just look down at my tattoos and smile. I remember our little babies and am thankful for the opportunity to hold them before we had to let them go.

Some days people see my tattoos for the first time and ask about them. When I explain, they awkwardly apologize.

Not all days are bad. But there is not a single day that goes by that I don't think about the two children we lost.

Tomorrow marks one year since our twin boys were born and left us. It's been a long year, but also it's flown by so fast. It's crazy to think what our family has been through, but we are so lucky to have the support system we do to help us through.

This weekend will always weigh heavy on my heart, for the rest of my life. I hope, as the years go by, the pain will change somehow - maybe, more to hope, more to love, but today and tomorrow, I'm going to think about those sweet little boys, their tiny little faces, fingers, toes and bodies. I'm going to soak up every little squirm and movement from Brother reminding me that he's safe inside my belly, even if just for a few more days. I'm going to be extra thankful for the family I have and hug my baby girl just a little bit tighter. <3 nbsp="" p="">