I'm having some anxiety about this afternoon's appointment. I'm just nervous. The closer I get to that 19 week mark, the more anxiety I've been feeling. I'm glad that we're going camping this weekend, it'll help keep me a little distracted. But it's also going to bring up more emotions because this is the first year of camp without Alayna or our boys. We're quickly approaching the one year anniversary of our niece's death which makes me really sad. It also happens to fall on this pregnancy's 19+4, which is how far along I was when I lost the twins. How in the world did those two days happen to fall together - what are the chances of that?
I just want to see your body moving. I still am not feeling much of anything, so I need some reassurance today. Getting through the next two weeks is going to be difficult. I never made it to my 20 week appointment with the twins, so that's going to be a big deal for me this time around.
Evening update: Ultrasound looked great today! My cervix was measuring nice and long and you were moving all over the place. The tech didn't spend a ton of time just watching you (she was down to business), but did comment a couple times about how much you were moving. Now beings the two week wait until my 20 week ultrasound. I think it's going to be a long two weeks, but I'm sure we'll get through it. I also think it'll be a nice little milestone to hit, but don't think that my anxiety will stop there. Nothing says that once you're past a certain number of weeks that you won't miscarry. Just because we get to the 20 week mark doesn't ensure that everything is good to go for the second half of the pregnancy. I'm hoping the rest of this pregnancy goes as quickly and as smooth as the first half!
Friday, September 22 - 19w, 1d
Here we are, in our 19th week. I'm glad to say that, so far, I haven't been having too much anxiety about Monday (19+4) and I've been feeling really good pregnancy-wise. I had my CF appointment yesterday and my lung function is unchanged since June, so that's great. I really think that my extra-busy schedule has helped keep my mind from wandering too much lately.
Pregnancy symptoms I've been having: Pregnancy brain! I swear the farther along I get with this little guy, the more of my brain cells he is zapping! I feel like a total ditz lately, forgetting silly things all the time! Another symptom is stretching -> my belly is stretching and so are my boobs. It's like my body is finally kicking into gear and growing this baby. And...to grow the baby, of course he needs food. I've been SO hungry the last couple of days! Little Brother must be going through a growth spurt because I feel like I'm needing to eat every couple of hours. This week at work I haven't been able to make it between breakfast and lunch without eating a protein bar or something, then I'm usually starving again by the time school's out at 2:15. I've gained about 4-5 pounds so far in this pregnancy, which I think is pretty normal considering my weight was higher to begin with.
I'm just really looking forward to the next few weeks, but then I worry when I say that because, 'what if it doesn't come'? I want to feel his movements more. I want to have lots and lots of ultrasounds. I want to watch my belly get bigger. I want to start decorating his room. I want this to stay a reality, all the way until February.
Monday, September 25 - 19w, 4d
We made it. At this gestational age, on February 5th, your twin brothers were born just a couple hours apart. It feels good knowing that things have been going so smoothly this pregnancy. It's tricky, though, because it's not like that worry is going to vanish now that we've made it past the time when they were born. There's absolutely nothing that says just because we've made it this far, we're in the clear. It's just a different worry now. I feel like each week is an accomplishment. Each week I get further along with you, the happier I am with my body and the closer (slowly) we are to you being full term and us bringing you home. Even though I still have half of my pregnancy to go, I feel like there's a teeny tiny light at the end of the tunnel and the path to get there may have some worries and anxiety, but it seems doable at this moment in time.
I can say with certainty that this day was much easier, emotionally, than I expected it to be. I really think that's because everything has been going so "normal" so far. I feel like that's the word I've been using to describe myself a lot lately, especially when people ask = normal - and I like it. I don't have any mucus-y discharge. I don't have any leaking. I don't have any bleeding. I don't have any cramping or pain. I am not uncomfortable to the point where I have to sit all the time. I don't feel like you're going to fall out because there's so much pressure down below. I can work without feeling worried or in pain. I can play and take care of Anna (although I try not to lift her too much) without getting completely uncomfortable. Yes, I feel huge. I think my belly is about twice as big this time around as it was with Anna, but I don't care. If I have to be huge to carry a healthy baby, then I'll take it. Seeing my belly grow means that you are growing and that's all I can ask for right now.
At this point in my pregnancy I feel much more relaxed than I expected to. I've learned that stressing about things isn't necessary or helpful. Of course sometimes those thoughts take over and I have to deal with them at the time, but they definitely aren't as frequent any more. I think I'll still have a touch of anxiety before every doctor appointment, but that's okay. I hope that I can continue going every two weeks for the rest of the pregnancy, but we'll see what they say.
I can't wait to feel you moving more often. It's still very few and far between, and small little pops and flicks - nothing too big yet. But, I know how big you are right now, after holding your brothers on this day. It's not surprising that I'm unable to feel the movements of your tiny little body. I can't wait 'til you're bigger and stronger. I can't wait for Anna to feel your movements and see your body shifting in my belly. There are so many things I look forward to, but they day you're born (far, far from now) is definitely the most anticipated one.
Little Brother, we love you so much and