Monday, February 20, 2017

Second Week - Recovery

Another week down, yet it feels like it's been forever. This week has been a bit easier, but I still think about both boys all the time. I've been playing a lot of "what-if" scenarios in my head this week: What if I knew my water broke? What if I didn't go to my CF appointment? What if I had gone in to be checked just one more time?... I don't like thinking this way because I know that there was absolutely no way to change the outcome of what happened, but sometimes I just can't help but think about it. I think these thoughts will always be in the back of my mind, and I'm looking forward to the days when they don't pop up frequently.

On a brighter note, going back to work felt so good - way better than I expected. In my last post I talked about how I was nervous about how the kids would react, or if things would be weird. Nothing weird or awkward! The kids were just so excited to have me back, I honestly bet half of them forgot why I was even gone. I did get several hugs from kids (and a few from adults) and felt so welcomed back! Everyone was extremely positive and sweet. Thursday, it felt so good to be teaching again. I remember thinking during a lesson, "This is where I'm supposed to be. This is what I'm supposed to be doing." Friday, I got to work and was full of energy. I cleaned and organized my room, rearranged desks, entered grades, sorted papers....all while I was supposed to be at a meeting - oops! Oh well, no biggie. :)

It was nice having a three day weekend, with gorgeous weather, to spend time with friends and my little family. Tim, Anna and I were able to enjoy lots of time outside this weekend which was so fun. It's tricky because I'm glad that I was able to go for a long walk with them this weekend, but it also made me a little sad because I'm not huge, pregnant and waddling like I expected to be. There are little moments like these that pop up day to day where I think to myself, "I wouldn't be able to do this if I was still pregnant." Sometimes I feel like I was never pregnant, but it's times like these where I remember that I absolutely was and those little guys were a part of our life, even for that short amount of time.

I try really hard not to dwell on the what-ifs and that "this would be different if I was still pregnant" moments because I cannot do anything to change what has happened. I don't want to surround myself with negativity and stress - that's not going to help this healing process AT ALL. I feel that both Tim and I have been dealing with everything and beginning to healing really well. We've had some wonderful talks, we've been really positive about everything and it's been great having him throughout all of this over the last couple weeks. I had no idea what to expect or how I'd handle this whole situation two weeks ago, but I really do feel that we've both come a long way and I'm proud of how we're handling everything. I'm sure there will be many tough moments ahead (their due date, this summer, milestones, holidays, etc), but I know that we are strong together and we can make it through. :)

1 comment:

  1. I think that what-ifs are human nature, even though it is not productive or helpful, when you go through a trauma. I hope you are able to push those what-ifs out of your mind and soon they will be gone for good.I know healing will be slow, but I am so happy to hear that you have already come a long way.

    I am so glad that going back to school went well. I was thinking about you on your first day back.