Wednesday, February 8, 2017

To Our Beautiful Baby Boys

Baby boys,
You left us too soon. I'm so..... I don't even have the right words to describe how I'm feeling - hurt, sad, confused, disappointed...I could go on and on.

You were 19 weeks and 4 days along, which was about 1/2 way for a twin pregnancy. Your little bodies were perfectly proportioned. You both had distinct and different facial features, meaning you were definitely fraternal. Your fingers, toes, and ears were just perfect. But your lungs were not developed and there was no way you could survive life outside of my womb. Baby A's face was narrower, and his nose was long and skinny. Even though on the ultrasound he looked just like Anna did on one of her ultrasounds, as soon as I saw Baby B's face, he looked just like Anna does now. He had a round little face, with a smaller little button nose just like his sister. Daddy and I were happy that we were able to hold you both for a little while before having to say goodbye. Anna was even able to see you, too.

According to all the doctors and nurses that helped us on Sunday, there was absolutely nothing I could have done differently and things like this "just happen". It definitely doesn't help not having an exact reason, but one of the first things the doctor told me was, "People feel like everything happens for a reason. This does not. There is absolutely no reason that this happened." As much as that sucked to hear, she was right. My body went into "silent preterm labor" meaning I didn't feel it and I didn't know, and I had an incompetent cervix, meaning it opened on it's own, well before it should have. There was nothing anyone could have done differently to save these precious little boys.

Even still, I feel like I've failed. It was my responsibility to grow those babies and keep them in my uterus until they were fully mature. I know that I didn't do anything wrong, but my body still failed. I failed as their mother, and I failed Tim as his wife. I know that these are feelings that I will have to work through on my own time, but right now, they're raw and real.

I'm constantly having flashbacks to my sweet little Baby A being born at home, and knowing that he was gone, but hanging on to any little hope that Baby B would be okay. Deep down, I think I knew it was over, but I wasn't giving up. About an hour after arriving at the hospital, Baby B came out peacefully and was laid on my chest, but he was already gone.

We decided to get your footprints done which are just as precious as ever and are the perfect little way to remember your sweet little frames. We're also having you cremated which is something we never thought we'd have to go through. But you were our babies, even if you were just 8 1/2 inches. You were alive for 19 weeks and I want to remember you always.It's going to be tough moving on from something like this, but we're taking it one day at a time. Anna has been a wonderful distraction for Daddy and I.

We will always remember our little "Butter & Jelly"
Love, Mommy


  1. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Life is not fair and losing both boys is a heart wrenching turn of events. Knowing how devastating a miscarriage was to a friend of mine and how deeply it affected her, I can only hope that you surround yourself with a circle of support to help you through this most difficult time. Your angel babies will always be remembered.

  2. Oh Colleen, my heart breaks for your family. I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your boys. I do know your boys were the most loved, cherished and cared for little boys on this earth. They both know this and I am sure they are both proud of the incredible mother you are to them.

  3. My heart sank reading the first line. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss.

  4. I was so sad and heartbroken for your loss. Thoughts and prayers for you & your family.